Into the Sunset, Part I
by JustplainLilly
Summary: Rose's cousin, Sarah, and the story of her voyage on the Titanic...and its aftermath. Summaries aren't my thing, but its good, trust me :
1. It Had to be You

Into the Sunset

Sarah Wilkes, has been asked to be maid of honor at her cousin Rose's wedding. She joins Rose, her fiancé Cal and her Aunt Ruth on the Titanic. This story is intertwined with the movie, as best as it can be anyway : )

Disclaimer: This is just a story! I have researched as much as I could to make this as accurate as possible. I will be using characters from the movie that I do not stake any claim to at all. I do intend to use a character that was a real person but I mean no harm by it. HE (I'm trying my best not to spoil it!) is only a fictional character with some nonfiction things slid in every once and awhile. I realize that he was married and has a family and I mean no offense to his relatives or anyone else that shares a connection with him. In my mind I see him as the actor who played him in the movie.

Chapter One

April 8, 1912- Noon

_My Life_

_By Sarah Wilkes_

_How can one sum up their life with just words? It's a very daunting task, if you think about it, after all life is made up of more than just words, but feelings, senses, sights and…._

I nibbled absentmindly on the end of the pen. Glancing at the paper in front of me I read the words I had just written and quickly grabbed it and crumbled it up. Throwing it off to the side I decided that after the 50th sheet of paper, maybe I just wasn't meant to write my memoirs just yet. I was only 17 after all.

"What was he thinking…" I muttered under my breath. Old men with money and huge empty houses write memoirs, not young girls who barely stepped out from under the watchful eye of their guardians.

What I was doing was writing a summer assignment that Mr. Radcliff had given us; To remember our life up until this point. He said it would be easy for me; an orphan raised by her grandmother, an heiress to vast fortune, one who had traveled the seas at least a dozen times, had visits with nobility and royalty. Yet as I started to look back on all of what he had mentioned, I didn't find anything too worthy to put on paper.

I got up from the desk and walked over to the window of my hotel room. The city streets below me were bustling with people all with more meaningful lives than mine, or so it seemed to me. Southampton wasn't exactly the center of the world but at noon on a Tuesday it seemed to be. I was halfway through my 4th day of being here and all ready I had fallen in love with the town.

I was American, born at least. Actually that's not true either, I was born in Russia, to American parents. My mother, Corynn, died a week after I was born, then my father passed on when I was only five. My brother George and I were sent to live with my Grandmother, Hailey Montgomery in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Not long after my fifth birthday, however, she sent George and I off to England to attend school where she had, Winingham Academy. She swore by education, but we knew we were loved, even if we couldn't understand why she insisted having us clear across an ocean.

Yet as I got older I began to see why. Other girls my age were too preoccupied with looks, men and society in general. Money was all they cared to discuss and I found myself becoming quite attenuated with the life my Grandmother had chosen for me. I grew to love England, especially London. Grandmother had us home as often as we liked, maybe more than that, every summer, Easter, Christmas…the list went on and on.

Four years ago George finished school in London and began college at Yale. He wants to become a doctor. And although I am happy for him, not having him near on trips like the one I was about to take, made it hard. I loved the sea though, which was probably why I had fallen so quickly enthralled with this port town. Just walking outside put me at peace; the people all bustling around with things to do and places to go, the smells and the air, it was clean, pure even, good for the soul and spirit.

A knock on the door brought me away from my thoughts and my gaze through the window.

"Yes?"

The door opened and Hannah, my maid appeared. She was a lovely girl, not much older than I, with brown hair and blue eyes. Normally she was part of my grandmother's staff in Philadelphia, but she had been sent here to meet me and then travel back with me.

"Sorry miss but I had to get away from the ruckus."

"Ruckus?"

She shut the door behind her and let out a long sigh. "Your Aunt Ruth is furious because Rose has…well come to think of it I'm not sure what the poor girl did, but whatever it was it has made your Aunt's skin match the color of her hair."

I smiled.

"Society folk. Actin' like they're so much better than everyone else, but in the end we end up facing the same problems…"

"…only I think everyone else can handle them a lot better."

She smiled at me. "Right you are, miss." her cheerful voice complimented her English accent and it made me laugh. From what I knew, Hannah had been born here in England, but had immigrated to the United States when she turned 18 to find work. My grandmother had hired her on the spot, her reasoning being that English had wonderful work ethic and it would be nice to have a good dose of it in her home.

She continued to complain as she made her way over to the open suitcases I had on the bed.

"…how could anyone be in such a foul mood when there's so much excitement? After all we're sailing on the Titanic tomorrow. A floating palace! Did you ever find your pink gloves?"

"Yes, they're in the small trunk." I loved how she would jump from one topic to the next it kept me on my toes.

"Yes well…oh did I tell you. I was down in the lobby today and met some of the ships crew. Very nice young men, they were…and handsome. Dear Richard Sheffield should be countin his lucky stars I love him, because let me tell you if I didn't, they would be a world of trouble…" she said referring to my Grandmother's chauffer back in Pennsylvania. She picked up a dress and held it out. It was periwinkle and yellow, with a high empire waist, however it came with a hat that was the most god awful ugliest thing I had ever seen.

"This would be nice to wear tomorrow, but…" she replied as if reading my mind. "…we'll need to find a different hat. There's a shop down the street that had some nice ones."

I sat down on the bed and looked at the dress. It was pretty and the thought of a new hat sounded nice. "I'll have to ask Aunt Ruth."

"You're a big girl, you can come and go as you please, and you have spending money."

"I don't know Hannah."

"Come on, it'll be fun. I know you've wanted to go out for a while now, but you've kept to the hotel."

She was right I had. I turned towards the window and thought of how nice it would be to be able to walk the streets like a normal person. Perhaps a little while couldn't hurt. I turned back to Hannah.

"Fetch my shawl then."

She beamed and practically ran to the closet. When she emerged a moment later she was wearing her own black cloak and carrying my shawl and handbag. She handed them both to me and I checked myself in the mirror and combed the snarls out of my hair before we practically snuck out of my room and into the hallway. Quickly we made our way down the stairs and to the lobby.

The concierge greeted us and then bid us a goodbye before we walked out onto the busy street. I breathed in the air deeply and could practically smell the ocean. I held the scent for as long as I could. I felt as if it was cleansing me. Hannah smiled at me and then took my arm and led me down the street.

There were people everywhere, the sidewalks were crowded with children, mothers, fathers, elderly, and I didn't feel inferior. Some smiled at me and a few even bid me a good afternoon. Before I knew it we were entering a small shop on the edge of a block. It was small yet crammed with hats and hats and hats. I was in awe.

"Hello ma dears, looking for anything special today?" a women, most likely middle aged with graying red hair came out from behind the desk. She had a kind face and Hannah returned the gesture, she explained what we were looking for while I crept away and began to look around the store. I made my way over to a shelf filled with odd looking hats that had bird nests and ribbons when I saw a young man looking at me.

He had brown hair and dark eyes and a face that reminded me a little of mischievous little boy. I looked back at him not quite sure what else to do and then he smiled at me. I found myself blushing and turned back to the hats. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him begin to approach me when another man came up behind him.

"All right, I think I've found it…"

The man, looked put out but turned to face his friend. "Right, let's go."

He turned to look at me one more time before he was led off into the maze of hats. I put my hand to my cheek and could feel that it was warm from embarrassment. I smiled though when I thought of how his smile alone had done all of that.

"Okay Miss I think I've found it." Hannah had come up next to me and held up a beautiful hat with a wide brim. It was the same color as the dress and even had little yellow flowers in the corners. "What do you think?"

"Its gorgeous, do you think it will fit?"

"Only one way to find out." she said and set the hat on my head. It fit perfectly. We went up front to buy the hat and although I was hoping to see the young man again I didn't. We left the store and walked slowly back to the hotel. When we got there, we went up to my room and shut the door. Hannah took the hat out of the box and quickly went to hide the box so my Aunt wouldn't notice. However not a moment after she left Aunt Ruth barged into my room.

"Where were you?"

I wished I could have sunk back into the woodwork. "I…"

"Yes out with it!"

I gulped. My aunt hated me. It was well known, although even I admitted she had good cause. My Grandmother, her mother, had completely disinherited her, for reasons I didn't know, in favor of me. I think a lot of it had to do with Aunt Ruth's husband, he wasn't the nicest man and stepped all over everyone when he was alive. Aunt Ruth began to do that to her family and that's when my Grandmother drew the line.

However she completely welcomed my cousin Rose with open arms. Especially after Rose became engaged to Caledon Hockley, or Cal. He's one the most sought after bachelors in the northeastern United States and Rose got him. The wedding plans had been in full force for almost a year and now in just three short weeks Rose would be married to him. That's why I was traveling home this time. I was going to be Rose's maid of honor.

It was kind of Cal to think of me when he and Aunt Ruth and Rose embarked on sixth month tour of Europe. He told my Grandmother to book me passage on the Titanic with them so I wouldn't have to travel alone.

Yet I would have given anything to be alone at that moment.

"Are you going to answer?" she snapped at me.

"Hannah took me out to buy a new hat, I was only gone a few moments."

"A new hat?"

I nodded and pointed to the dresser where Hannah set it. "It's for tomorrow."

She looked at the hat and then at me and started to laugh. It was the kind of laugh that made that made you hair stand up on end. "Oh dear Sarah, I will relish the day when my mother realizes what a mistake she made with you. Thinking you can just come and go whenever you please will not sit well with her and its only a matter of time before other things come to light, you're too much like your mother." she gave me another disgusted look and walked out the door.

I jumped as she slammed the door and felt like bursting into tears but held myself back.

_She's not worth it._

I picked up my new hat and slid my fingers across the smooth fabric. It made me think of the young man in the store. He was the first man that had ever looked at me.

_Probably because he had no idea who I was._

Back in America, my last name has too much power. A grown man could hear 'Wilkes' and suddenly burst into tears. My father's father, preferred it that way.

I didn't.

No man or boy had ever dared lay eyes on Jared Wilkes' granddaughter. He was an old man yet still held tight to the hold he had on most of the United States. I was thankful I had been put under the guardianship of my maternal grandmother rather than him. Neither George and I saw him much but when we did he made no bones about the fact of what he expected of us. For George, a successful career and pristine reputation for being hard nosed and never laxed. For me, marry rich. That was it.

I wanted more though, I only hoped I would be able to find it, for very few of my contemporaries had and I just couldn't end up like them. I just couldn't.

**Chapter title inspired by 'It had to be you' by Ella Fitzgerald.**


	2. Southampton

Chapter Two

I did not sleep very well at all that night. I found myself tossing and turning and waking up every half hour or so and sitting straight up in my bed afraid that I had woken up late, or been forgotten and they had left without me, but one look out the window to see the world still covered in a thick blanket of darkness, reassured me that it was still night and that I had nothing to worry about. I had never been so nervous about taking a trip in my whole life and my apprehension was a total mystery to me, but I did my best to try and think of something that calmed me and find at least a few minutes of sleep.

Yet, even though I had a sleepless night, the minute the sunlight finally started to pour through the window I sat up like a shot, suddenly finding myself full of energy. I got up, put my robe on over my linen nightgown, and washed my face with the cool water in the basin. I then sat down at the vanity and began to brush my hair out. I kept my light brown hair long just the way my Grandmother liked it, even though it pained me sometimes as it was so thick. It was all the way down to my waist presently and I had to swoop it all to one side to brush it properly. However, I did it and was just finishing when Hannah came into the room. She was carrying a tray of food.

"Gracious, you're up all ready?" she said setting the tray down on the table.

"I couldn't sleep anymore. What time is it?"

"9:30. Mr. Hockley is the only other one awake, Trudy told me in the kitchen he's being a grump…do you want to get dressed?"

I told her I did and she went to get my clothes. They were the only things left in the closet as everything else had been packed away. I took off my nightgown and slipped on some fresh under things and petticoat. I then braced myself for the corset. Hannah was kind about it, as kind as one could be with a corset. She tugged at the strings that pulled my waist and body into its firm grip and I felt the familiar pressure on my lungs and took tiny breaths as she finished up. Finally she was done and slipped the dress over my head and began to fasten the tiny buttons in the back. The dress was long sleeved and I loved it because it made my arms look sleek and slender.

"Look at you…" Hannah said turning me around to face her. "…you look like a regular princess."

"Thank you" I beamed.

"Come now let's get some food in you and then we'll do your hair."

As soon as I was finished with breakfast and had my hair pinned up Hannah carefully put my brand new hat onto my head and used two pearl hatpins to keep it in its place. We then headed down to the lobby and found a place to sit while we waited for everyone else.

Cal was the first to come down, with Aunt Ruth on his arm. They were talking in low voices to each other and looked up when they saw me, surprised to see me already ready and waiting for them.

"Well I'm glad to see not all women share the same view on time that my fiancée does." Cal said when he saw me.

Aunt Ruth glared at me and I turned away from her and focused my eyes on the clock that was a few feet away from me trying to fight off that ill feeling I got every time she did look at me in that way.

I saw that it was 11:15. Titanic was due to leave at noon, I wondered silently what was taking Rose so long. When she finally did emerge, she shocked us all by strolling down the stairs wearing nothing but black. She looked like she was in mourning; even her face had that grave look to it. I knew as well as anyone that it was bad luck to wear black on a day like today, especially when this was Titanic's maiden voyage, not that I believed in those silly superstitions, but there were some who did and I knew that neither Aunt Ruth or Cal wanted Rose to call attention to herself in such a way.

Both of them got up quickly and stopped her just as she was about to step off the last step. Cal grabbed Rose's arm and I could see his face contort into a stern expression as he spoke to her. I could not hear what was being said, but it was more than obvious that Aunt Ruth and Cal were displeased with her choice of wardrobe and it was not long after that Rose headed back up the stairs, her head hanging and her steps slow and melancholy.

Aunt Ruth went to find a bellboy to bring in some of the trunks that had been packed so that Rose could change and this added even more time to our stay at the hotel, leaving us less and less time to get to the ship. But finally at 11:35 Rose came back downstairs wearing a purple and white suit like dress that was very flattering on her, but no one complimented her on it, we were simply rushed out to two cars that were waiting for us and our luggage.

The mood of our party was solemn and serious and I longed for George who always had a way of making bad situations somewhat bearable. I did hope that the whole trip would not be like this. At least my grandmother had booked me my own room, so if it was I would have some sanctuary to escape to when it got to be too much.

Cal's valet, or manservant, Mr. Lovejoy met us outside at the cars. He was an older man who always seemed to be angry about something, I was beginning to doubt that he had ever smiled or laughed in his life. He made me quite uncomfortable and I tried to avoid him whenever possible, but at that moment I could not avoid it, I was put into the same car as him, Trudy and Hannah. We were taking three cars altogether, one for the others and myself, one for Rose, Aunt Ruth and Cal, and then a separate one for the luggage.

Due to Rose's wardrobe problem, we were obviously running behind schedule so we were rushed into the cars and quickly got onto the road. I was thankful for one thing though, Mr. Lovejoy was riding up front with the driver and it was nice to sit in the back and listen to Hannah and Trudy's chattering.

"I'm so glad to be finally going home." Hannah replied as we began to near the dock, "I've missed it so."

"You've been here a whole week, Hannah, you haven't had time to miss it yet." Trudy reminded her in a playful tone.

I giggled at the two of them and then turned my attention out the window and saw that we were coming up to a large crowd of people. I gathered that we must be close, and right I was because it was not long after that we came to a stop and the driver got out of seat and opened my door. The excitement of the crowd flooded into the car and Hannah and Trudy looked positively giddy as they heard the voices calling out to one another and their amazement with the Titanic.

I extended my hand to the driver who took it and helped me step down from the car and as soon as my foot touched the ground, I turned my gaze up and saw the Titanic looming in front of me. Of all the ships, I have traveled on and seen over the years this was by the far the largest. It was of course in pristine condition, sparkling windows and fresh paint and I was positively in awe of it.

"I don't see what all the fuss is about…" I heard Rose's voice say in a disinterested tone. "…it doesn't look any bigger than the Mauritania."

Cal looked amused. "You can be blasé about some things, Rose, but not about Titanic. Its over a hundred feet longer than the Mauritania and far more luxurious…" he helped Aunt Ruth step out of the car and I could hear him mutter something under his breath to her as I took my eyes off the ship and came up next to Rose.

"So this is the ship they say is unsinkable?" Aunt Ruth commented.

"It is unsinkable; God himself could not sink this ship…" Cal started but was cut off by a steward, something about checking our baggage, but I did not pay much attention. Whatever it was, Cal took care of it and came up between Rose and I.

"Ladies, shall we?"

He took Rose's arm and they started off towards the gangway. I followed behind them next to Aunt Ruth. We were surrounded by mostly working class people, but they were all a group with shining faces and I couldn't help but smile. Aunt Ruth nudged me and shook her head,

"Don't stare, Sarah, they'll think you're easy to get charity from."

Reluctantly I did as I was told and kept my eyes in front of me focused of Rose's hat; I figured I could not get in much trouble for doing that.

As we walked up the gangplank towards the ship, rising above the crowd, I could feel excitement charging throughout me. Not only was I going to be back with my Grandmother and brother soon, but also I was traveling on the grandest ship in the history of the world to get to them.

When we stepped inside of the ship there was an officer and steward waiting at the door to greet us. I waited patiently behind Rose and Cal and watched the officer point the way to their rooms. They moved aside and I pulled the ticket out of my handbag and handed it to him. He was an older gentleman, but handsome, and he smiled warmly at me,

"Ms. Sarah Wilkes?"

I nodded, "Yes, sir."

"Your cabin is on B deck; just follow the rest of your party."

"Thank you."

"You're Welcome."

And just like that I was on the Titanic.


	3. We Are

Chapter 3

"Would you look at this, Miss? It's more beautiful than I ever could have imagined." Hannah remarked as the two of us entered the room that was to be mine for the duration of our voyage.

I had to agree with her, it was quite beautiful, far more lavish than I had ever imagined that it could be. I had of course seen Rose and Cal's suite across the hall and when I compared the two rooms mine came out looking far less opulent, but it was more due to the size than anything else.

The color scheme was of rich reds and browns and was edged in gold. A large, comfortable looking bed was in the corner and I walked over to it, ran my hands across the soft crimson quilt on the bed, and admired the soft white linen pillowcases that were leaning gracefully up against the headboard. Next to the bed, there was an elegant night table with a small reading lamp resting on its shining service. Gimbal lamps shone like golden ornaments on the walls, even two that were strategically placed over the headboard of the bed. Towards the center of the room, there was a small table and two chairs and against the opposite wall, a chest of drawers and vanity complete with a cushioned stool.

The stewards were quick with bringing my luggage in and Hannah was fast at work trying to keep it all organized. She directed them; telling them what to put into the large closet and what to leave out in the trunks. I busied myself with unpacking my own small suitcase that I had packed myself the night before. It contained mostly the schoolwork that I had been given by various teachers to keep me busy this summer, but also some mementos and personal possessions of mine that I didn't trust to anyone else; pictures of my parents, my brother George and I, and of course the journal I had been writing in since I was 15.

The pictures were all safely stowed in a small jeweled Faberge box that my father had given me as I child and I made sure that it was clasped tightly before I put it, and everything else that had been in the suitcase into the nigh table drawer then went to help Hannah put away my things.

She had just opened a trunk that was filled to the brim with new gowns and dresses that my Grandmother had ordered for me. In the last letter I had received from her before leaving school she had written that it was important for me to start becoming more aware of my appearance, this included the way I acted, communicated with others and of course, the way I dressed. Yet, as Hannah pulled out one frock after another, each more beautiful than the last I could not help but think that she had pampered me far too much. Since these gowns and many others had arrived only just the day before, I was seeing many of them for the first time myself so I hadn't realized just how much she had bought me, but this was my grandmother and I knew I shouldn't be surprised. She never spared any expense, especially when I was concerned. Yes, that did sound a bit conceited, but she had always been that way towards me. I was aware of it, I had always had been and that was most likely the only thing that kept my nose from curling up towards the sky like so many of the girls that I knew.

"Oh my look at this one…it looks like there's diamonds sew in to it." Hannah exclaimed. She was holding up a dark blue silk gown that did appear to have diamonds sewn in among the beautiful white embroidery on its round train and short sleeves.

"Your grandmother has excellent taste, this will look stunning on you." She told me with a wink. I smiled back at her and began to peer inside of the trunk to see what other treasures it held.

"Finding everything all right?" came a voice from the doorway.

Both Hannah and I looked up from the trunk and over to the opened doorway to see Cal leaning against the frame of the door in a handsome pose. His dark eyes were focused intently on me and I smiled back at him,

"Yes, thank you."

He was holding a wine glass in his hand and came into the room,

"You know," he said indicating the room with the hand that held the glass, "If you don't like this, I could try and find you something larger, I'm sure the purser wouldn't mind"

"Oh no, that's not necessary, it's perfect. After all it is just me."

He smiled. "Of course, you're right."

I expected him to leave after that, but he just stood there. Hannah looked at me and raised her eyebrows before going back into the closet area. I turned back to my cousin's fiancé,

"Cal?"

"Yes?" he asked, wandering over toward the table in the center of the room and examining it.

It would have been rude to ask him to leave, so instead I asked how long it would be until we arrived in New York, of course I had an idea. I had been traveling this route to America for years, but it was a misconception among most men that I knew that women were empty-headed and did not pay attention to such detail, so I knew that would work in my favor.

And just as I predicted he looked up towards me and smiled at me like I was a child,

"No earlier than Monday, maybe Tuesday. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I was just wondering." I replied thoughtfully.

"Well, I do think that I've intruded on you long enough." He suddenly announced, but kept that smile plastered to his face. He started for the door, but suddenly turned around to face me again,

"Oh yes, I meant to tell you that you need not worry about your Aunt while on this voyage, your grandmother has graciously decided to put you under my care not Ruth's and I have no problem with you coming and going as you please. You are a sensible young woman and have never given me reason not to trust you, so if Ruth decides to give you grief about that just come to me and I'll make sure to take care of it."

My shock was visible and I apologized, "I'm sorry, my grandmother never mentioned anything to me about it, but I appreciate your kindness, Cal."

He waved his hand back and forth as if telling me in his own way 'Your Welcome',

"I'm sure you will find there are many young girls your age on this vessel for you to associate yourself with, I believe the Graham's have a daughter who's your age…Margaret, I believe her name is and then of course the Ryerson's daughter…they will be boarding in Cherbourg." He paused, "As I was saying, you should have no trouble finding ladies your own age to keep you occupied."

"Thank you very much." I told him, feeling as if that was the only thing I had been saying in this conversation.

"My pleasure." he gave me another smile before leaving the room. I wasted no time in shutting my door right after he was out of sight, then just for safe measure I locked it too.

"Oh that man makes my blood boil!" Hannah proclaimed. She had reappeared from the closet and her face was red with aggravation.

"Hannah, really." I replied, acting as if I had not been uncomfortable by his presence. I had, but that was of no consequence to her.

"Miss, did you not see the way he was looking at you? Just like a cat does to a mouse before snatching the poor thing up into its clutches."

"Hannah, how dare you even suggest such a thing! Mr. Hockley is engaged to my cousin and he's never been anything but a perfect gentleman towards me." I snapped at her, but in typical Hannah fashion, she let it roll gracefully off her skin.

"Right" she scoffed, she grabbed up the rest of the dresses,

"Miss, your Grandmother sent me here to keep an eye out on you and I intend to do just that. The only reason she put him in charge is because you are young and she has a strong distaste for your aunt. If you want my advice, I would watch out for that one...there's something about him that just-" she looked at me, pausing, and shook her head, "Just be on your guard, Miss Sarah, that's all I ask." She finished and then took an armful of gowns into the closet.

As much as I hated to admit it, a part of me knew that Hannah was right. The way Cal had been looking at me had made me feel uncomfortable, but I quickly dismissed that thought. It was just my mind playing tricks on me and it did not help that Hannah had informed me of the thoughts that her wild imagination had come up with. I had nothing to worry about.

Yet, even with that thought, I couldn't help looking around the room and suddenly feeling claustrophobic. I decided some fresh air would do me good and I reached for my hat and coat and found the pair of gloves I had been wearing when we had boarded only minutes ago. I called to Hannah to let her know that I was leaving and unlocked the door and went out in the corridor, slipping the key into the small yellow handbag that I wore around my wrist. I followed the corridor until I reached the beautiful staircase that we had passed when going to our staterooms and climbed it. This led me to A-Deck and I quickly found my way out onto the First Class Promenade Deck.

It was crowded with passengers, just as I had expected it to be, all them waving with smiles painted on their faces to the people below. The excitement that radiated from them was contagious and I could not help but smile myself. I wandered behind them though, making my way up as high up as I could possibly go on the ship, to the Boat Deck.

It did find it to be more crowded, but was able to find any empty place on the railing and looked down at the sea of well-wishers below me. Then the ships whistles sounded and I could feel the vibrations of the engines come up from under my feet. The Titanic slowly began to move away from the dock, in quite a graceful manner considering how large it was. Both the passengers and the crowd on land began to holler with more excitement including a young boy next to me, who could not have been more than ten years old,

"Don't you know anyone?" he asked, taking notice that I was not waving like the others.

I shook my head and he smiled,

"Neither do I."

His comment brought a smile to lips and I watched with amusement as he turned back to the crowd and began to wave more ardently then before. I watched only for a moment or two before I began to do the same.


	4. Take My Breath Away

Chapter Four

The excitement began to die down as we got further out into the water and slowly people began to drift back inside. Most of them going to their cabins, I assumed. I hung back though and began to walk around the boat deck.

"Sarah?"

I looked up towards the voice that had called my name and saw Polly Hanson.

She was a friend of my from childhood. She had been raised by her Grandmother the same as I had and both my Grandmother and her were very good friends.

"Polly!"

She was walking the deck the same as I was and rushed over to me and embraced me tightly. She pulled away and looked me over. Polly was 20 and all ready married to Charles Hanson, a lawyer in Boston.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

She pushed back her pretty dark curls and smiled at me. "On my way back to Boston, Charles and I have been in London for the past few weeks. What about you? I thought you were still in school?"

I shook my head. "I started my summer holiday early this year, Rose is getting married."

"Oh yes that's right, I heard, to Cal Hockley, right?"

"Yes. They're actually on the ship."

"Really? I'll have to go and say hello, I haven't seen Rose in years, but in the meantime..." she looped our arms together and we began to walk down the deck, "…tell me what you have been up to? It seems like its been a lifetime since I've talked to you."

"There's not that much to tell. Just school, this year coming up is my last."

She smiled warmly at me. "Won't be long after that when you finally marry."

"Yes, well let's not put the carriage in front of the horse. What about you? How is Charles?"

"Oh wonderful, we're both wonderful. You heard about the newest additions to our family?"

"Yes" I replied smiling. "Grandmother wrote me, how exciting, twins!"

"I know! They're getting so big, its hard to believe they're a year old."

"What are their names?"

"Eleanor and Robert, you will come by and see them I hope, we're on A-Deck."

"Oh of course I will"

We kept walking and chatting. Catching up mostly since it had been so long since we had seen one another. We actually circled the boat deck and were coming around on our second time when an officer past me, slightly brushing up against my shoulder. On instinct I turned around and came face to face with the young man from the hat store.

I nearly choked on my own breath.

We just stood there for a moment, both of us silent as could be, before I felt Polly pinch the back of my hand.

"I'm terribly sorry." I apologized, finally finding my words and rubbing the throbbing pain away that was creeping through my hand.

"Don't be, it was my fault." he replied. He continued to stare at me in such a way that made me feel as if I was the only person on board, or in the world for that matter.

Then, again we were both silent. I couldn't stop staring into his eyes.

"Well then, we should be going." Polly said taking my arm. "Good day to you, Mr…"

"Lowe" he replied. "Harold Lowe."

Harold Lowe, what a lovely name.

"Yes, Mr. Lowe…"

"I didn't catch your name" he said finally speaking to me and cutting Polly off.

I cleared my throat and told him. "Sarah…Wilkes."

His eyes sparkled as he repeated my name and then said goodbye. Polly practically had to pull me away from him, but I kept my gaze back to him until she led me down the stairs and onto A-Deck and he disappeared from my sight.

"Sarah!" she chastised. "What was that all about"

"I have no idea." I replied, not realizing my lie.

I felt like I was in a dream, his face seemed to be sewn into my mind. Those eyes were so kind and such a handsome face. I felt lightheaded and smiled to myself.

"Look at you, looks like cupid struck you with all of his arrows." she laughed and snapped me out my thoughts.

"What?"

"Oh my what I wouldn't give to be a young girl again." she said, still laughing. "He was handsome though, I'll give you that."

He was handsome. He was more than that. I felt happiness come over me like a warm shower. I wondered if I would see him again. It was a ship after all and there's really only a number of places one can be. He was an officer though and I knew that the crew and passengers weren't really supposed to interact, but for some reason that didn't matter to me. I just wanted to see him again.


	5. When You Say Nothing At All

Chapter Five:

For the rest of the day I seemed to float just like that Titanic. Freely, gliding my way through the soft waves of the ocean and heading into the sunset. Hannah remarked that my eyes were shining and I seemed to glow.

"The sea air must be doing you a world of good." she replied.

I smiled, keeping my secret to myself. I had a hard time believing in love at first sight since love was so foreign to me, at least the kind between a man and woman.

But he was all I could think about.

Harold, it surely was a lovely name.

Even while I dressed for dinner he was with me. Hannah picked out the blue gown she had noticed earlier and pulled my hair back with diamond studded hair pins. I put on my make-up and picked some earrings and a necklace out of my jewelry box.

Hannah helped me slip on some long white gloves that went up past my elbows and finally I was finished.

"You look beautiful." she said, satisfied as I turned around for me so she could check every last inch of me…Hannah was very picky about that sort of thing.

I went down to the dining room myself, not waiting for the others. As I descended the grand staircase I saw Polly and Charles, they were talking to another gentleman. Polly saw me and motioned for me to come over.

"Sarah, I'd like you to meet Mr. Thomas Andrews. Mr. Andrews this is Sarah Wilkes, a childhood friend of mine."

"Very nice to meet you Ms. Wilkes." he replied taking my hand and kissing it softly. He was a nice looking gentleman, middle aged but with a soft and gentle face.

"Mr. Andrews built Titanic"

"Really?" I asked, impressed.

He looked embarrassed and shook his head. "I just supervise. There are hundreds of men back in Ireland that did far more than I."

I smiled, now more impressed by his lack arrogance.

"And of course you remember my husband, Charles."

"Yes of course." I replied looking to Polly's husband. He was older than she, by nearly 20 years but he was a very handsome man, and very kind.

Charles took my hand as well.

"Very nice to see you again, Sarah."

The four of us stood there talking for a moment, mostly about the trip when someone came up behind Mr. Andrews and got his attention. It was Harold. I didn't think he saw me at first, as he was talking to Mr. Andrews but when Mr. Andrews turned to speak to us again his eyes went directly to me. His face broke into a gigantic, nearly titanic sized smile. Polly saw it as well and I could see her also smile from the corner of my eye.

"Oh where are my manners…Charles, Polly, Ms. Wilkes this is Mr. Lowe, Titanic's fifth officer. Mr. Lowe this is Charles Hanson, his dear wife Polly and Ms. Sarah Wilkes…"

"Oh Mr. Andrews I believe Mr. Lowe has already had the pleasure. Sarah and I met him on the boat deck this afternoon when we were leaving Southampton." Polly replied with a tiny laugh.

He smiled softly "Well I'm glad to see we are all old friends, sadly I am needed in the engine room. I do hope to see you all again."

"Of course." Charles replied.

"Very nice to meet you Ms. Wilkes, and Polly its always a pleasure." he added before leaving. Harold started off after him but Polly stopped him.

"Mr. Lowe I hoped you do me a favor, dear Sarah needs an escort into the dining room, you wouldn't mind, would you."

I couldn't believe her! What gall!

Harold smiled nervously. "No of course not ma'am." he replied and then looked at me. I smiled back at him as he held his arm out for me. I linked my through his and we followed Charles and Polly down to the dining room. It was already very crowded with people and Polly invited me to sit at her table.

"We're sitting over there, join us whenever you like." she said winking and then walking off.

"Funny how we keep meeting up like this" he replied. It was really the longest sentence he had ever spoken to me and I thought it sounded beautiful. I could tell from his accent that he was English, Welsh, if I guessed right.

"Yes, it is." I replied.

"Hopefully it'll happen again sometime soon." he turned and faced me and I could see a twinkle in his eye.

"Perhaps it will."

"Maybe on the promenade deck after dinner?"

He surely didn't waste anytime did he?

"Maybe." I replied trying to sound as mature and unexcited as I could.

I looked towards the table and Polly was grinning like a Cheshire cat at us. "Thank you for you arm, Mr. Lowe, I greatly appreciate it."

"Anytime, Ms. Wilkes."

He gave me one final wonderful smile before he lifted my hand and kissed it tenderly. I felt myself go weak in the knees and I watched him walk away and then tried to regain my composure before going to the table and joining Polly.

She didn't say anything as I sat down, but I could tell that she wanted to. I noticed that the Astor's and Ryerson's were also at the table and I greeted them. I spied Aunt Ruth and Rose walking in and going towards another table. Cal followed a few moments later. I saw him look over at me and smile. I wasn't sure why he did, but I nodded politely at his gesture and then turned back to my table and joined in on the conversation that was being held.


	6. I Could Fall in Love

Chapter Six

When dinner ended and the men began to rise from the table and adjourn to the smoking room, Polly leaned over to me. "Your Welcome."

"How could you do that? Put him on the spot like that?"

"Oh he didn't seem to mind, besides, it gave you two a chance to really talk." she smirked. "I think he's taking a liking to you"

I could feel myself start to blush.

"At least the feeling is reciprocated."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh Sarah, you never were good at lying, and you haven't gotten any better as you've gotten older. You are smitten with him, admit it."

"Fine, you're right. Okay, are you satisfied?" I hated being beaten.

"Yes very."

I turned from her and crossed my arms, but it wasn't too long before she broke through the tension and whispered softly. "Are you meeting him later?"

I turned to her and couldn't help but break into a grin. "The Promenade deck, after dinner."

"Darling, it is after dinner." she said matter-of-factly

I sat up suddenly when I realized she was right.

"Excuse me." I replied abruptly. I took the napkin from my lap and set it on the table and got up and left more quickly than I probably should have. I rushed back to my room and in passing saw that it was after 8.

"Hannah!" my voice called as I walked through the room. "Hannah!" I looked all around the room and didn't see her. Giving up I went into my closet and grabbed a coat. I slipped it on over my gown and then rushed back out of the room, shutting the door behind me.

I found it very hard to walk quickly in my dress but somehow managed and soon found myself out on the deck greeted with a soft cold breeze coming at me with a rush. I then realized I didn't know where he would be, if he was still there at all. I wrapped my coat tightly around myself and moved towards my left.

"Isn't it rude to make someone wait for you?"

I smiled when I heard the voice from behind me and turned around, Harold was leaning up against the wall his arms crossed across his chest.

"On the contrary, being late is very fashionable." I answered, trying to act serious.

He grinned. "I'll be sure to use that one the next time I wake up late for a shift."

I giggled.

"Well shall we get to the matter at hand, then?" I asked walking towards him.

"What is that, Ms. Wilkes?"

"The fact that you are following me, Mr. Lowe." I replied coming to a stop in front of him.

He laughed. "I believe you are mistaken. It is you that are following me."

"I hardly think that's the case" I replied with the sweetest smile I could find.

"Oh really" he leaned up off the wall and looked me straight in the eye. "For one, the hat store…"

"Speaking of which, what were you doing in there?"

"Interrupting someone is very inconsiderate."

I laughed and let him continue. "…this afternoon on the boat deck, purposely running into me, how childish."

I couldn't believe him. I held to hold back my laughter but kept a smile on my face.

"You're just teasing me now."

"Guilty, and if you wish to remain on good terms with me I suggest you never mention the hat store incident."

"Why?" I asked with a small giggle.

"I was brought in there against my will."

"Were you really?"

He smiled. "No, a fellow officer of mine, wanted to find something for his mother before we left. I went along because I'm a sucker for mother's."

"You're a very good friend."

"Yes, I think so. Would you like to take a walk?"

"That sounds very nice, thank you."

We began to walk. The air was cool, but not terribly cold and it was actually quite refreshing.

"So you're going to America?" he asked in an attempt to start conversation. I found it a rather boring topic but went a long with it.

"Yes, Philadelphia."

He nodded. "Have you been there before?"

"Many times, it's my home. Well it's where my family is."

"I thought you were English. You sound it anyway."

All those years living in England I had picked up the accent. It wasn't very thick but it

was there. I had never really thought about it before though.

"I've lived in England for a long time now…12 years."

"Where?"

"London. I go to school there."

"I'm from Llandudno …Wales"

"I've never been there, what's it like?."

"Nice town, near the water. Do you like the ocean?"

"I adore it."

"Then you'd like it there."

I smiled. "I'll make it a point to see it then. Have you ever been to America?"

He shook his head. "This is my first time crossing the Atlantic."

"Well you'll get to see New York, that's a nice way to start out. Although its not my favorite part."

"What is, Philadelphia?"

"No, Oregon."

"Oregon?"

I smiled. "Yes, a few summers ago my brother and I were invited to Seattle to visit my Aunt and Uncle. We traveled through Oregon and its right on the Pacific. I just loved it there. It's so green. But the water and the rock formations were the best part…it was very beautiful."

"Well then Ms. Wilkes, I'll make a deal with you, if you go to Wales, I'll go to Oregon, we'll exchange postcard along the way."

"All right then. Should we shake on it?"

"Of course."

He took my hand and shook it softly. I couldn't help but look into eyes as he did so. They were so captivating. He looked back at me too and it gave me goose bumps.

"You're very easy to talk to, Ms. Wilkes." he said, keeping his eyes on me.

"So are you." I couldn't seem to tear mine away either.

It was then that I realized that we were still holding hands. Slowly I slipped mine away, reluctantly I should say. Neither one of us made an attempt to move from the spot near the railing.

"You said you go to school in London." he said suddenly breaking the silence

"Yes, that's right."

"Why is it I get the feeling that you're fourteen and not telling me."

"Not quite" I replied, laughing, grateful that he had broken the dull moment. "I'm older than that...I'm seventeen."

"Yes, that is damn near elderly."

"Well how about you?"

"Well if you consider seventeen old, then I am ancient."

I looked at him with raised eyebrows and a smirk and he broke into a grin and said. "Twenty-nine."

"You don't look it."

"Don't I?"

"No, I would have thought, maybe twenty-five…at the most."

"Let's just say I am then."

"Do you want me to say I'm 14?"

"For the love of God, please don't"

I laughed. "Okay, I won't"

I began to notice that the few people out on the deck began to disappear back inside and realized that it was probably getting late.

"I should be getting back."

He nodded, not hiding his disappointment…I couldn't really blame him. "Me too, would you like me to walk you?"

"If you want to. I don't want to keep you."

"You won't, come on." he replied and took my arm.

"Okay" we turned back the way we had come and silently walked back towards the way I had come out. He was very polite and opened every door we came to for me. When we reached my room I took the key out of my handbag and put it into the lock. I turned to him and thanked him for walking me.

"Thank you so much, Mr. Lowe."

"Call me Harry…it was my pleasure. It was very nice getting to know you…Sarah."

"You too." I hesitated before I saying what I did next. I mustered up as much bravery as I could. "I would like to do it again, if that's all right with…we don't have to…it's just…"

"Okay" he said quickly and I smiled nervously.

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I'm on watch in the morning…8-12, but after that I'm free until four."

"Don't you ever sleep?"

"Never" he said with an impish grin.

"Well then I'll see you tomorrow, I guess."

"Meet me on the boat deck, where I saw you earlier."

"At noon?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I'll be there."

He beamed and then leaned in quickly and kissed me on the cheek. I felt myself flush and barely managed to whisper goodnight before going into my room and shutting the door quickly. It was silly, but I felt like crying.

It amazed me that this time yesterday he was only a face in my mind and now today he was…Harry. I loved that he had asked me to call him that, even if I hadn't said it to him yet, I already loved it. And hearing him say my name was like a dream come true.

When Hannah appeared to help me undress and get ready for bed, I could tell she noticed something, but she didn't say anything. That was all right, because as soon as I slipped underneath the sheets and closed my eyes I relived every word, every touch that I had just experienced.

It was heaven, pure heaven.


	7. I Want to Love You Forever

**Thanks for all of the praise you guys, it really means a lot to me :) Happy reading! **

**P.S.Someof this is borrowed from the Titanic script...thank god its online. I sold my Titanic DVD at a yardsale over the weekend figuring "hey the Special Edition is coming out soon." Now I'm kicking myself because I really need it! Oh well the script will have to do...**

Chapter Seven

"She is the largest moving object ever made by the hand off man in all history, and our master shipbuilder, Mr. Andrews here, designed her from the keel plates up."

Bruce Ismay, a truly arrogant man, if I ever saw one, was speaking of the Titanic with as much pride as somemen usually do about their sons.

Mr. Andrews, the man from the night before, seemed uncomfortable by the compliment but smiled politely. "Well I may have knocked her together, but the idea was Mr. Ismay's. He envisioned a steamer so grand in scale and so luxurious in its appointments, that its supremacy would never be challenged. And here she is…" he slapped the table. "…willed into solid reality"

Bored I took a sip of my water as everyone else around me, Cal, Rose, Aunt Ruth, and a woman, Mrs. Brown all listened with polite attention. It was only eleven but all ready I was anxious to go and see Harry.

"Why're ships always bein' called "she"? Is it because men think half the women around have big sterns and should be weighed in tonnage?" Mrs. Brown asked followed by a boisterous laugh. It was contagious and everyone else at the table followed along, except Aunt Ruth who merely let a small smirk spread across her face.

The waiter came up to us and began to take orders, I gave him mine and handed him the menu and he moved onto Mrs. Brown. Across from me Rose pulled a cigarette out and lit it.

Aunt Ruth leaned over towards her "You know I don't like that, Rose" she said quietly.

Cal looked over, hearing Aunt Ruth and pulled the cigarette from Rose's mouth. "She knows." he said and put it out. Rose sat there and didn't say a thing. From the look in her eye I could tell she wanted to scream, but she held it in. I felt for her.

Cal turned to the waiter who was now next to him. "We'll both have the lamb, rare, with a little mint sauce."

The waiter took down the order and left as Cal turned to Rose. "You like lamb don't you sweet pea."

She turned to him and smiled the most counterfeit smile I had ever seen, and nodded.

"So you gonna cut her meat for her too there, Cal?" Mrs. Brown replied. I stifled a giggle, silently agreeing with her.

Cal's face turned red at the comment but Mrs. Brown turned away before he could retort with anything. "So who came up with the name Titanic, was it you Bruce?"

Mr. Ismay cleared his throat. "Yes actually. I wanted to convey sheer size, and size means stability, luxury and safety..."

Rose suddenly looked up and made eye contact with Mr. Ismay. "Do you know of Dr. Freud, Mr. Ismay, His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you."

I covered my mouth as laughter involuntarily slipped out.

"Rose, what's gotten into you" Aunt Ruth asked through clenched teeth.

"Excuse me" Rose replied and got up and left the table. I watched her walk out and Mrs. Brown leaned over to me and whispered. "Smart girl" I smiled.

"I do apologize" Aunt Ruth said to the whole table.

"She's a pistol, Cal. You sure you can handle her?" Mrs. Brown asked.

Cal seemed to be fighting the tension that was building up inside of him but simply replied, "Well I may have to minding what she reads from now on." after that his eyes moved to me and I felt uncomfortable as his gaze seemed to go right through me. I shifted uneasily in my chair. Thankfully Mrs. Brown began to talk of the ship again and that pulled it away. Yet it wasn't long after than that he got up, excusing himself and left the restaurant, following the same path out that Rose had.

We all went back to our conversation, well I should say the others did. I kept to myself, only speaking unless someone spoke to me. When lunch finally came I ate as quickly as I could seeing that it was 11:30. I hoped no one noticed. When I was done I took a final sip of my water before asking if I could be excused.

"No, Sarah, I think its best you stay here." Aunt Ruth said, she had barely touched her food, and was taking small bites at a time.

My heart sunk, it was a quarter till. It was as if she was deliberately trying to prevent from me from being on my own, then it hit me that she probably was.

"Actually Ruth, last night Sarah showed interest in seeing the bridge and I invited to take her up after lunch this afternoon." Mr. Andrews voice suddenly replied, pushing away the tears that were coming to my eyes. I looked at him in astonishment then back at Aunt Ruth.

Aunt Ruth looked at me skeptically, and I gave her a hopeful smile. She looked over at Cal who I remembered from yesterday saying that he was responsible for me and he nodded. Reluctantly she looked at me. "You may go then."

"Thank you, Aunt Ruth, Cal."

Mr. Andrews appeared behind me and pulled my chair out for me. I got up and the two of us left the restaurant.

"Thank you so much, Mr. Andrews!"

I lost all regards and wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly.

He laughed heartedly and patted me on the back. "Yes well, I saw you and Mr. Lowe on the deck last night, I figured that's where you were going."

"I just can't even begin to thank you."

"Well your company to the bridge would be nice, you'll probably see him up there anyway."

"Of course."

He smiled and offered me his arm and I took it. Putting on his bowler hat we walked out onto the deck and made our way down the ship and then to the bridge. I marveled as he led me inside. The view was beautiful.

"Well well, Mr. Andrews, you're very handy, first building a beautiful ship and then finding a beautiful lady to go along with it." a soft masculine voice replied as we walked into the bridge.

It was the captain.

His kind face was clearly visible behind his white beard and I smiled warmly at his compliment.

"Captain Smith this is Sarah Wilkes, she's traveling with the Hockley's in first class." Mr. Andrews informed him.

"I wouldn't have it any other way, she looks like a first class lady." he took my hand and politly kissed it. "It's very nice to meet you Miss Wilkes."

"Thank you, Captain Smith."

I did a quick gaze around the bridge looking for Harry, but I didn't see him.

"You wouldn't happen to be of any relation to Jared Wilkes would you?"

"Yes actually, I'm his granddaughter."

He smiled. "A very stiff old man, isn't he."

I laughed. "You must know him well."

His laugh filled up the entire bridge. "Yes, Jared and I have shared a drink or two on occasion, but that was many years ago." he looked over at Mr. Andrews. "Yes, Thomas if you wouldn't mind I'd like to speak with you about a situation in the boiler room."

"Of course…ah Mr. Lowe, would you mind showing Miss Wilkes around for me." he replied looking beyond the Captain as he spoke.

I veered my neck over to see Harry coming towards me with a surprised look on his face. "Of course, Mr. Andrews…Miss Wilkes…" he held his arm out for me and I could see another officer look over at us with raised eyebrows.

The Captain and Mr. Andrews left and Harry led me back outside and moved behind a wall so that no one in the bridge could see us.

"I said the boat deck, not the bridge." he said laughing.

I laughed and told him what had happened. He listened intently and scowled when I told him about Aunt Ruth.

"I'll have to thank him later" he said when I told him what Mr. Andrews had done.

"Can you get in trouble for this…talking to me that is."

He shrugged. "It all depends really. I don't mind though, I like your company."

I decided to change the conversation. "Who's that in there?"

"Who?"

"The one that was looking at us."

"Oh, that's Murdoch. He's the first officer."

"Oh…do we like him?"

He smiled. "Yes we do. Don't worry about him. Jimmy's the one you have to watch out for." he said with that impish grin.

"Jimmy?"

"Moody, he's under me, and I remind him of it everyday…he's the one from the hat shop."

"Oh, I'll have to meet him sometime."

"I don't think so, I want to keep you to myself just a bit longer." he replied as he leaned in towards me. I couldn't help but smile as my heart did a little flip flop.

We heard a voice from inside the bridge and Harry decided we should leave. "Come on I'll show you around the ship."

"Okay" I agreed and allowed him to take my hand and lead me down the stairs. He skipped the first class section since I had all ready seen most of it and took me down to second. Walking around on the deck I didn't find it much different from first class, maybe a bit smaller but that was it. He took me into their library which was large and completely empty.

"It's still seems so beautiful, even if its not supposed to be a opulent as ours."

He nodded as I walked over to one of the bookcase and looked at what was on the shelves. I felt him come up behind me. His hands rested on my arms and I felt a shiver go up my spine.

"It's not as beautiful as you are."

The next few moments felt like a dream, Slowly I turned around and faced him. I just knew that our faces were centimeters apart. We were so close, so close I could feel his breath on my face, smell his aftershave. He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I know that at that very moment the earth stopped moving.

It seemed to go on forever, our lips moving in perfect sync with one another, his tongue softly slipping into my mouth. I found myself being pressed up against the bookcase as we became more and more enthralled in just a simple kiss. When he pulled away without thinking I pulled him back and kissed him myself.

I was shocked by my boldness but at that moment it didn't seem to matter.

However I was the one who finally broke it, but even after we kept our faces close, our foreheads pressed against one another.

We didn't say anything. Just stood there with one another letting ourselves bask in the glow that was around us.

He kissed my cheek softly and I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him close to me. I didn't ever want to let him or this moment go.

**Okay what did ya'll think? Personally I think this is my favorite chapter so far. My sister loved it, but that's what sisters are for. So let me know what you guys think :)**


	8. Out of the Blue There Came You

**Yay! I'm so happy you guys liked it! I'm posting two chapters tonight, originally they were one, but when I finished it it came out to almost 8 pages, I figured that was a bit too long. Anyway Ioan is great isn't he sigh I love what you said about him being a cowboy, lilstummr, now I have an image in my head of him with the hat...hehehe awww he's soooo cute!**

**But I hope you guys like the next two chapters, it was kind of hard to write today, we have forest fires in the area and it was so smoky out, made it kind of hard to concentrate...bad headaches...but I tried my best :):):)**

Chapter Eight

Harry and I spent most of the afternoon together. We walked all over the ship even down to third class where he showed me their dining room. I saw a some steerage passengers, most of them were children. They were running through the halls and out on the deck having a wonderful time. I couldn't help but smile at them and their innocence.

"You like kids?" Harry asked, when I waved to a little girl with red curly hair. Her freckled face formed a huge grin and she waved back.

I nodded. "I can't wait to have a family of my own."

"Well child rearing shouldn't be a problem for you, with all those nannies."

I looked at him suddenly defensive. "I don't believe in nannies. My children will have me and their father, and that will be enough."

"Sarah, I was just teasing you"

I softened a bit and apologized. "That's a sensitive subject to me." Losing my parents at such a young age had obviously affected me. I decided long ago that I would always be there for my children, no matter what.

"I should have been more considerate. Don't worry, you seem like you'll be great mother." his said his eyes resting on me.

I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you, Harry."

"Your Welcome…come on." He took my hand and I followed him up back onto B deck and he led me inside. He walked me down the corridor to my room and I thanked him.

"I have to get back, my shift starts in a few minutes." he told me.

"I have to get ready for dinner anyway." I looked to my left and then to my right checking the corridor making sure it was empty before I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly.

He smiled when we parted and started to leave when I called out to him.

"Harry"

He turned around.

"Will I see you tonight?"

He sighed heavily. "I'm not sure, I'll come find you though, if I have a free moment."

"Okay." I could feel my heart falling as he spoke.

"Hey..." he walked back up to me. "None of that now, tomorrow night you'll have me all to yourself."

I tried to smile, but it was to no avail.

Voices floated in from down the corridor and quickly, so we wouldn't be caught, Harry pushed me into my room and shut the door behind us.

"I wish I could spend every moment with you." he said in a soft voice. His fingers tips softly grazed my face and I felt all jumpy inside.

"I wish that too."

He smiled. "You're not mad that I kissed you earlier, are you?"

I shook my head. "I'm as far from angry as anyone could be."

"Could I do it again, then?"

I answered with a slight nod and a smile and he leaned forward and brushed my lips sweetly with his own. I felt somewhat rebellious as he kissed me. We were alone in my room and I knew what people would think and say. Grandmother surely wouldn't allow this and I'm sure that if Aunt Ruth found out I'd be done for, but I couldn't get over the thrill of it all.

With all the feelings that were running through my mind, I was surprised I still had room for rational thought. I loved it when he kissed me, ran his fingers through my hair...actually any touch that came from him made me feel wonderful all over.

"I have to go." he whispered as he pulled away from me.

I nodded. "All right."

He kissed me one final time before opening the door. He looked out to make sure no one was coming .

I walked out with him and gave him a quick hug.

He gave me a handsome smile and I smiled back and watched him walk down the corridor before going back into my room. The door clicked shut behind me and took my shawl off and let it fall on the chair.

I walked over to the night table where I had stashed all of my important things the day before and pulled out the Faberge box. I opened its jeweled lid and pulled out the photograph of my parents. It was taken on their wedding day. If with the picture being as old as it was, you could still see the happiness in their faces. Grandmother always told me how in love they were, how they were so devoted and honored one another. I set the picture down on the bed. And pulled my diary out. After thinking about it for a moment I grabbed a pen and opened it up and began to write.

I wrote about Harry. What else was there to write about. I wanted to keep these experiences forever, even though they would always be with me, I didn't want to forget a single thing. I did love him. It had only been two days and I knew that I loved him. I wasn't ready to tell him just yet, but I knew I would soon.

Furiously I tried to write down as much as I could before Hannah came in to get me ready for dinner. In fact I had just put the diary and box away when she came into the room.

"Hello stranger, where have you been today?"

"Around."

She smiled. "How about the green dress tonight, the one with the beads."

"That sounds fine."

She went into the closet and I sank back onto my pillows thinking about Harry. I closed my eyes tightly remembering all the feelings that had awoken in me in the library. I would never ever forget it.


	9. Hero

**Again I am relying on the online script so bear with me if it isn't exactly like the movie :)**

Chapter Nine

As mush as I wanted to join Polly and Charles for dinner again, Cal requested I sit with him and everyone else at their table. He said tomorrow I could eat with Polly and I realized that was fair and agreed.

I sat next to Mr. Andrews and he smiled warmly at me. "Did you enjoy your afternoon?" he asked in low voice.

"Very much."

"Mr. Lowe is a good man. Just keep it discreet."

"Mr. Andrews, I hate to pry, but why are you helping us?"

He looked over to make sure no one was listening and then came back to me. "You two remind me of myself and my wife when we were young."

I smiled at him but was interrupted by Col. Gracie who began talking about economic issues in America. It was mostly the men who conversed about it. I sipped my wine and set the glass down carefully on the white table cloth when I caught sight of Rose. She was sitting in between Aunt Ruth and Cal, I was next to Mr. Andrews who was to Cal's left so I wasn't too far from her, but I wished I was closer. She was staring off into space, not paying attention to anything that was going on around her, and for that matter no one, save me, seemed to be paying any attention to her.

I attempted to get her attention more than once through dinner, but failed each and every time. When dinner was over, Rose excused herself and hurried out of the dining room. I started after her but Aunt Ruth stopped me.

"I would like to speak with you."

She pulled me to an uncrowned corner of the dining room and gripped my arm tightly. "I was informed that you with a gentleman this afternoon, one of the ship's officers."

"Yes, I was. Mr. Andrews was called away when he took me up to the bridge and he asked the young man to show me the ship." I was proud of my bravery towards her.

She glared at me. "People talk Sarah. You being alone with a young man is bound to start rumors."

"Aunt Ruth please. I would never embarrass my family."

"Good" she sneered. "Don't let it happen again. Or I will have a word with the captain about this."

And with that she left and joined her friends back at the table. I could feel my face burning with anger. _That old witch! There was no way I was going to let her stop me from seeing Harry, no way in hell._

Then it remembered why I had gotten up in the first place.

_Rose._

I turned to leave when I saw Cal looking at me. He looked away quickly and soon left the dining room for the saloon with the other men. I didn't have time to think about him though. Quickly I raced from the dining room and back up the stairs towards our rooms. When I reached Rose's suite I knocked on the door and called her name.

"Rose, open up please, it's Sarah"

No answer. Instinctively I reached for the handle and turned it. It opened. I went in and looked all around the sitting room, I then went into her bedroom. She wasn't there either but I could tell she had been. A broken mirror and her necklace both lay in pieces on the floor.

Something was terribly wrong. I left the room quickly and went out on the deck. I passed an older couple and stopped them asking if they had seen a girl with red hair.

"Oh heavens yes. Like a blaze of fire she went tearing through here, nearly pushed me to the ground! Young people!" the woman told me.

"Thank you!"

Moving as quickly as I could with my dress shoes on I ran down the deck towards the back of the shift looking for her.

"Rose!"

I went down to the second class promenade deck. I mused that maybe she had come down here to hide, and I called her name again. It was then that I heard screams. I didn't even stop to think that wasn't her, that maybe it was something else. I just torn down the stairs onto the third class deck and ran and ran. When I got there three crew members were standing there. Rose was on the ground shaking her skirt torn and there standing over her was a man. His boots were off to the side along with his coat.

It wasn't long before the Master at Arms arrived. Rose had been given a blanket and I sat with her on the bench my arms wrapped tightly around her. She had stopped shaking and Col. Gracie and Cal had shown up, along with Lovejoy. The Master at Arms put handcuffs around the young man.

Cal was furious and stared at the man, his eyes full of anger. "What made you think you could put your hands on my fiancée! Look at me, you filth! What did you think you were doing!"

"Cal stop, it was an accident" Rose replied, looking up.

"Rose…" I started.

"An accident?" Cal spat

"It was... stupid really. I was leaning over and I slipped." I saw her look at the man with a stern gaze. "I was leaning way over to the see the ah…ah…" she whirled her hand around in circular motion and I could practically see the lie forming in her head. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited to hear what she had to say.

"…the propellers" Cal answered.

"The propellers," she repeated. "…and I slipped and I would have gone over board but, Mr. Dawson here saved me."

I looked over at this Mr. Dawson fellow, he looked amused by Rose's story. Obviously this was new to him as well.

"She wanted to see the propellers!" Cal said in a frustrated yet amused voice.

"Like I said women and machinery do not mix" Col Gracie spoke up.

"Was that the way of it?" the Master at Arms asked Mr. Dawson.

He looked at Rose for a split second before answering. "Uh huh that's pretty much it."

"Well! The boy's a hero then. Good for you son, well done!" Col. Gracie commented.

Cal helped Rose to her feet, pulling her out of my grasp. "Let's get you inside, you're freezing."

I stood up and looked over at Mr. Dawson. The Master at Arms had released his handcuffs and Jack was now slipping his jacket back on. He saw me looking at him and shifted his gaze uncomfortably.

Cal started to lead Rose away but Col. Gracie intercepted him. "Perhaps a little something for the boy."

"Oh yes." Cal looked to Lovejoy "Mr. Lovejoy I think a twenty should do it."

"Is that the going rate for saving the woman you love?" Rose asked obviously unsatisfied.

Cal stopped. "Rose is displeased…what to do…ah yes." he turned around and faced Mr. Dawson. "Perhaps you could join us for dinner tomorrow night to regale our group with your heroic tale?"

Mr. Dawson looked skeptical but finally agreed. "Sure, count me in."

"Good"

He went back to Rose and put his arm around her. I watched them walk away and then as Mr. Dawson asked Lovejoy for a cigarette. Lovejoy looked Mr. Dawson over as he held out the cigarette case for him.

"You'll want to tie those" he said indicating his boots. "Its strange, the young lady fell so suddenly yet you still had time to remove your jacket and shoes."

He gave Mr. Dawson a cold stare before walking off and joining the rest.

I stood back though. Rubbing my arms for warmth I was grateful I still had my gloves on.

"All right Mr. Dawson, out with it."

"I don't know what you're talking about, miss" he said sitting down on the bench and tying his shoes.

I sat down next to him. "I'm not stupid, she wasn't really looking at the propellers was she?"

He stopped and looked at me. "Who are you?"

"Sarah Wilkes, I'm her cousin."

"You're very nosey." he replied and went back to tying his shoes.

"Mr. Dawson, please…."

"Call me Jack" he said finishing his tying and looking at me. He was leaning over with his arms resting on his knees.

"Fine, Jack, just tell me the truth, I'm worried about her. I need to know what happened."

He hesitated. "You really want to help her?"

"Yes"

After a heavy sigh he looked at me "She was going to jump."

I gasped.

"I saw her running by and she was crying. I followed her and when I came up on her she was standing on the other side, hanging on by her hands."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I shook my head is disbelief.

"I talked her out of it though. I told her I would jump in there after her…"

"That's why your shoes and jacket were off."

He nodded. "…anyway when I tried to help her back over she slipped and fell and that's when she screamed. I had just pulled her back over when the seaman came."

"Jack you really are a hero."

He laughed. "Please lady…"

"No I'm serious, when Rose sets her mind to something she does it. Yet you managed to convince her otherwise."

"It was nothing." he said and got up. I followed him.

"Think what you want, but you did her a world of good, trust me." the cold was beginning to get to me and I decided to head back to my cabin. "Jack, don't doubt what you have done, I greatly appreciate it. I'll see you tomorrow night."

He nodded. And I left him there on the deck and headed back to my room. I hadn't lied when I said that he had done her a world of good. Rose needed saving, weather she wanted to admit it or not. I got back inside and headed down to my room. I thought of checking on Rose but decided against and went to my own room. Hannah was in there reading a book.

"Where have you been?"

I told her what happened, the made up story. She was shocked.

"That poor dear. I hope she's all right."

"I think she'll be fine." I replied.

She helped me undress and then put on my night clothes. She said goodnight and clicked the light off as she left the room and settled in under the covers. I couldn't believe that so much had happened in one day. It seemed like a week, but I tried to focus on the happier moments. They were all about Harry, but I didn't mind.

I dreamt that night of sailing into the sunset and being wrapped in his arms.


	10. Breathe

Chapter Ten

I awoke the next morning to a gentle rapping on my door. It was still pretty early, but I got up and reached for my robe and wrapped it tightly around me.

"Who is it?" I asked before opening it.

"Rose"

I opened the door and sure enough Rose was standing there. She looked very pretty in a yellow and white dress with her hair all done up.

"May I come in?" she asked.

I opened the door, inviting her to come in. When she was in I shut it and joined her on the small couch in my room.

"I wanted to thank you for last night. I knew you knew I wasn't telling the truth, but you didn't say anything, I appreciate that."

"Your Welcome"

"I suppose you want to know what really happened?"

I shook my head. "Your knight in shining armor already told me. We don't have to discuss it if you don't want to, I'm just glad that you're all right."

She smiled a small smile. "We used to talk about everything, remember?"

I nodded. "I miss those days."

"Me too"

She reached for my hand and grasped it tightly. "You were always more of a sister to me. I used to feel like I had to protect you from everything, but now it seems that I'm the one that needs it."

"And I'm here to give it to you." I replied reassuringly.

She shook her head. "Sarah, I'm drowning, you know that. You still have a chance, Grandmother won't let this happen to you. I want to live, really live. I know I can't do that with Cal."

"Do you want to end the engagement?"

She didn't answer. Instead she got up and over to the dresser and rested her hand on it. "I heard Mother talking about you and that officer."

I laughed softly, shaking my head. "I swear she creates situations just so she can have something to be meddlesome with."

Rose nodded. "Is he nice?"

I couldn't help but smile. "Very"

She looked at me and smiled. "Hold onto to it as long as you can"

I wasn't quite sure what she meant by that and she didn't elaborate. Her head fell and she I could see the sadness in her face.

"Rose?"

"I remember life being so simple when I was young. I never had a care in the world, then…he died and even though I loathed him, I wished more than anything that he hadn't."

She looked as if she was about to cry and I tentivley got up and approached her.

"She wants so much from me…" she turned to me. "…I just can't do it." she began to sob and I pulled her over to me and into an embrace. I stood there rocking her like an infant, trying my best to comfort her.

Eventually I sat her back down on the couch and put my arm around her.

"Rose, whatever it is you need just tell me. I can help, really I can."

She shook her head. "I'm not going to ask that of you, besides…" she wiped the tears off of her face. "…You've got your own life to worry about." she got up and looked at herself in my mirror and fixed her hair and face. She then turned back to me and smiled. "I love you, Sarah. You may be the only person that I truly love, and that loves me back...but I'm not going to get you involved with all of this."

"Rose, Please. You just said yourself you thought of me as a sister, I feel the same way. Let me help you."

"You want to help me?"

"Yes" I nodded.

She came over to me and and bent down to my level. "Don't become what I have. Live your life, do whatever you want and don't let anything stand in your way."

Her voice was so serious that I held my breath the whole time afraid I would miss a word. When she finished all I could do was nod.

"I'll see you at dinner." she said quickly and gave me a quick hug and with that she left the room, leaving me in more bewilderment than I had been in before.

_Please help her God, do something, anything. _

What she really needed was an angel. I could try my best to help her, but in the end Rose needed a miracle. Her wedding was in just a few weeks and there was no way anyone would let her out of it as easily as she needed it.

A miracle was the only thing that could help her.

Hannah came into the room a few moments after Rose had left and helped me get dressed. I picked out a dress that was one of my favorites and was a two piece dress, the first part was a plain white dress with square neck and over that a lavender piece that was somewhat like a long coat. It came together at my waist with beautiful pearl buttons.

She pinned the sides of my hair letting the rest fall down my back and then shooed me out the door and to the dining room where I was supposed to be having breakfast with Polly.

"Good morning" she said as I approached the table. A waiter pulled out a chair for me and I thanked him and sat down.

"Good morning."

She sipped her orange juice. There were only three other people at the table; Charles, and two men I didn't know. They were all involved in their own conversation so that left Polly and I to ourselves.

"What on earth happened last night? I heard Rose nearly went overboard. Is she all right?"

I nodded and told her what had happened…the propeller version.

"Poor thing, thank goodness someone was there to help her."

"Yes."

The waiters came by and set a plate of food in front of each of us.

"All right then, onto the interesting gossip. How's Mr. Lowe?"

"Fine" I replied, I couldn't help but smile though and she beamed back at me.

"I heard that you spent sometime with him…alone…yesterday."

"Who told you that? Somehow my Aunt knew as well."

"Oh Sarah, we're miles out to sea, what else are people supposed to do…read the bible? Now come on tell me what happened."

"He showed me the ship, took me down to second class and steerage."

"And?"

I honestly tried to hide the rest from her, but as she had said before, I was no good at lying.

She saw my face. "Oh you're blushing! Did he…" she came closer towards me. "…kiss you?"

I nodded and she smiled with joy. "Oh darling I'm so excited for you. Your first kiss."

"How do you know it was my first?"

"No girl blushes like that unless it was her first, or she's in love…oh my goodness…You love him!"

Charles and the others looked up and I hushed her.

"Polly!" I hissed.

"Sorry…" she began to whisper. "Have you told him?"

I shook my head. "I'm not ready to yet."

She smiled and patted my hand. "Wait until you're comfortable, that's the best thing to do." She turned back to her food, and then looked at me. "Suddenly I'm not very hungry, are you?"

I shook my head. I usually didn't even eat breakfast, except for the past few days.

"Come on then I'll take you back to my suite so you can meet the children."

"Okay"

"Charles, darling…" she told her husband where we were going and he nodded and went back to his conversation. Polly and I left the dining room and went back to her room which was on A-Deck. Her room was a different style than mine, lighter colors were used along with a lighter wood, but I still preferred mine.

"Estelle…" she called. A older woman opened one of the bedroom doors.

"Yes Ma'am?"

"Could you bring the children out here?"

Estelle nodded and I sat down on the sofa.

"You're just going to love them, Sarah….oh there's my darlings."

Estelle appeared carrying the chubbiest baby I had ever seen, but then I saw the one who was toddling next to Estelle and realized they were two of the chubbiest babies I had ever seen. They were adorable. Dark curls like their mother and big bright blue eyes. Polly took the one in Estelle's arms and the one who had been walking sat down on the carpet and then crawled over towards the fireplace. Estelle caught her and picked her up and offered her to me.

Hesitantly I took her. She sat in my lap and immediately reached for my pearl necklace and began to chew on it. I thought she was the cutest thing I had ever seen.

"What's her name again?"

"Eleanor." she said sitting down with the baby I know knew to be Robert. "She's very independent and likes for things to go her way, so be careful."

"Sounds just like you" I replied as Eleanor began tugging on my hair. She smiled a beautiful little smile and I took her hand away and kissed it. "No, no." I told her.

She giggled. "Na, Na"

Polly laughed. "Looks like you've made a new friend. You always did like children, I'm glad to see that hasn't changed." she replied as Robert began tugging a ribbon on her dress.

I smiled and turned back to Eleanor as she put her hands over my eyes and squealed with delight.

I spent the next few hours with Polly and the children. We had a wonderful time, even when Estelle came and got the two to put them down for a nap, I stayed with Polly and we talked. Mostly about Harry. I told her about the kiss and I thought she would die with pleasure.

"Charles has never done that, maybe I'll have to surprise him, press him up against a few walls."

"Oh Polly!"

"You want to act like one of the big girls, you're going to have to learn our ways." she replied with a devilish grin. "Our wedding night was nothing like I thought it would be, a scream, a few moans and it was over, but if I had been kissed like that, I tell you, there would have been a lot more."

My hand covered my mouth in shock and she laughed at me and reached over and patted me on the head. "Dearest virgin, Sarah."

"You talk worse than a sailor." I remarked, but still visibly amused.

"Don't worry I think Mr. Lowe will know what he's doing. Nothing to worry about there. He won't get lost."

"Lost?"

She laughed. "You'll figure it out, I promise."

I shook my head in disbelief. It was strange to think I used to go to church with this girl. But here she was talking about sex and other things like it was nothing. That must have been what happens after you get married.

I left Polly's room around quarter till eleven and knew I still had a few minutes before I had to be back for lunch, I decided to go for a walk, maybe I would run into Harry. But in order to accidentally run into Harry I had to go up to the boat deck, I didn't know how I would explain being up there if I did see him, yet I really wanted to see him. I missed him.

I made my way up there and walked near the edge, running my hands over the railing. I walked towards the gymnasium passing by the lifeboats, when I felt a pair of arms wrapped around me and snatch me up off the ground. I gasped at the surprise.

"Admit it, you come looking for me don't you?" his voice said as he set me back down.

"Harry!" I turned around quickly, hands on my hips

"Yes?" he was smiling that gorgeous smile that made me go weak in the knees as well as want to throw him off the ship.

"I swear you just took five years off my life."

"Oh…" his face formed into a hilarious pout. "…let me make it better." he dove towards me and began to plant little kisses all over my face. I laughed and pushed him away. People around us were staring. The smile melted away from my face and I pulled him over in between two of the lifeboats, out of the way of their eyes.

"You're going to get us in trouble."

He smiled softly and smoothed the hair away from my face that the wind was moving out of place. "Sorry, I was just happy to see you."

I smiled and let him lean over and kiss me softly.

"You looked beautiful today." he replied.

"Thank you." I said blushing a bit, not from his words, but from the way he looked at me. I could tell he really meant it.

"I like your hair down."

I vowed then and there never to wear my hair up again around him.

I leaned in to kiss him again when I heard a familiar voice, it was Rose. I looked up and saw Rose, along with Jack pass by us. Neither one of them saw me or Harry standing there, but I saw them.

"Wha.." I softly slapped my hand on Harry's mouth and stopped him from talking.

"Shhh"

I leaned out from in between the lifeboats and watched them as they walked down the deck, a good distance apart, but talking.

"I don't believe it."

"Believe what" Harry asked removing my hand.

I told him what had happened the night before, and then my talk with Rose that morning. He then peered out and looked at them. "I heard about that. It was your cousin?"

I nodded. "Please don't say anything, though."

He shook his head. " I won't. I do have to go though, my shift starts at noon."

"Oh" my disappointment was obvious.

"Do you want to meet after dinner again? 8 o'clock."

I nodded quickly "Yes"

He laughed softly and kissed me, cupping my face in his hands. When he pulled away he held me for a moment. "I…" he swallowed back hard. "I'll see you later."

I nodded and watched him go, I didn't let my discontent get to me though. I would be seeing him again soon. I straightened myself before leaving the spot between the two lifeboats and made my way back down to my deck and towards my cabin. I had just reached my door when Cal came out of his cabin and saw me.

"Hello there." he smiled.

"Hello."

"You haven't happened to see my fiancée have you?"

I thought for a second before shaking my head. "Not since this morning, but that was before breakfast."

_Please, please don't let him see that I'm lying._

"Well then, if you do see her, let her know I'll be in the smoking room with Col. Gracie."

I sighed with relief. "Of course, would you like me to have her send for you."

He shook his head. "That's not necessary, but thank you."

He started away and I turned the handle on my door when he turned back to me. "Sarah"

I turned around. "Yes?" _Oh God, he knows!_

"I wanted to tell you that having you on this trip has been…nice. You're a nice girl, and I think you Aunt is a stupid woman for treating you the way she does."

I stood there shocked for a moment. Caledon Hockley was not known for his empathy, in fact I didn't think I had ever heard a compliment like that from him before…ever.

I smiled. "Thank you, Cal. That's very nice of you to say."

He stood there for a moment looking at me, before sighing and clapping his hands together. "Well I suppose I will see you at dinner then."

"Yes. See you then."

With confusion filling my head I watched him walk down the hall before going into my cabin. _That was strange._ I thought closing the door.

I decided to skip lunch and that until dinner I would get some school work done. I went over to the night table and pulled out my books and papers. I scattered them on the bed and made myself comfortable by propping up some pillows and throwing myself into my school work.

**Yeah this chapter was kind of slow but neccessary :) I hate chapters like that but oh well it must be done. Anyway Chapter 11 should be better, at least I hope so :) **

**Thanks again for your reviews. Ya'll are tooooo sweet!**


	11. Nights in White Satin

**Wow, I'm so glad you guys like Chapt. 10. I was like "Whoa" lol anyway thanks for the compliments. **

**Liz, in answer to your question I was planning on having some of the other officers involved in the story, still up in the air about how they'll react towards Sarah...gimme your advice though, I'd love to hear what ya'll think I should do with that.**

**Yes Cal is a jerk. I love Billy Zane which is why its a bit hard for me to see him as a character like that, but he does it SO well! But I'm not gonna say anymore cuz I don't want to spoil the story...**

**Anyway enjoy this chapter, I'm working on 12 & 13 now, so I'll try and have those posted as soon as possible :)**

Chapter Eleven

I continued doing my schoolwork for most of the afternoon, although I believe most of the time my thoughts weren't really on history, math or literature. Halfway through writing about the knights of the Round Table I realized the name 'Harry' had taken up half of what I had just written. I really couldn't help but laugh at myself. I reached for a clean sheet of paper but instead of writing about King Arthur I dared to print something that seemed to be lurking at the tip of my finger tips.

I brought the pen to the paper and carefully wrote out my name _Sarah._

I looked around quickly making sure that I truly was alone, even though I knew I was and quickly wrote _Lowe_, next to it.

_Sarah Lowe_

Then as quickly as I had written it, I put a thousand scratches through it. Could I have been any more silly? I knew girls at school that did that. They would write it all over their papers, along with names for their children. I always used to think it was childish, but just now I had gotten a strange thrill out of it, as if I myself could make my own future.

I shook my head and began to gather up my books and papers and put them away. Hannah came in just as I was finishing up.

"Look at you, it's a beautiful day outside and you're cooped up in this stuffy room." she said hands on her hips, playfully scolding me.

"Hannah..."

"All right, all right, I'll keep my opinions to myself. They just announced dinner, I set out your pink and gold dress this morning, is that okay?"

I nodded. "That's fine"

While she went back into the closet to get it, I washed up and then began to undress. She came back in and gave me a hand. I put on some fresh stockings and then slipped on the dress.

"This one looks nice on you, pink is a good color for you. Now what to do with your hair." she thought for a moment and then sat me down at the vanity, she unpinned my hair and brushed it out till it was sleek and soft. She began to part it tiny sections and pinned it up, she then found two barrettes that were finished in gold and sparkled in the light and clipped them in.

To finish it up, I put on some diamond earrings and necklace to match.

"All right, now for the little white gloves." she smiled.

Two minutes later I walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. I followed the familiar path down to the dining room. I came upon the Grand Staircase and could see Aunt Ruth and Cal at the landing talking to the Countess of Rothes. I made my way down and passed a handsome young man in a dashing suit who looked at me as though he was in a strange country and didn't speak their language. I stopped and looked at him, puzzled, then it all came together in my head.

"Mr. Dawson?"

Relief swept over his face.

"Look at you!" he looked very handsome, his hair combed back and in a spiffy new suit. "You look wonderful."

"Thank You...call me Jack though."

I smiled. "Feel like a fish out of water?"

"Does it show?"

I shook my head and gave him a reassuring smile. "You're doing fine, it's just dinner, don't be worried."

He nearly laughed, but I think he was too nervous to remember how.

"Sarah." Polly's unmistakable voice called out. She was coming towards me in a yellow dress that was fit for a princess. Charles was next to her.

"Excuse me, Jack."

He nodded.

I walked over to Polly.

"Who is that?" she asked.

"The boy that saved Rose last night."

"From steerage. Well I'm impressed."

I shook my head at Polly, she honestly made me wonder sometimes. I looked over at Jack and saw that Rose had come down the stairs. I watched curiously as they seemed to freeze with their eyes focused on one another. Jack then expertly picked up Rose's hand and kissed it delicately, she smiled and then burst into a huge grin. In all my life I couldn't ever recall Rose ever smiling like that. It was natural and unscripted.

I recognized that smile, I had seen it on my face each and everyday that I had looked in the mirror since I had met Harry. It wasn't just a form the mouth took, it was something from the soul, and I knew just how much it took to get Rose's soul to smile.

Polly and Charles bid me a goodbye and started towards the staircase and down to the dining room. Mr. Andrews approached me with a small smile on his face.

"Care for an escort?" he asked holding out his arm.

"That would be lovely. Thank You."

I took it and we followed behind Polly and Charles.

"I have a message from your gentleman friend." he said in a low whisper. "He said to say that he'll meet you know where, at you know when, and you you'll know what he means."

I covered my mouth as a smile broke out. Mr. Andrews laughed softly as we descended the staircase. "I'm glad someone knows what it means, for a moment there I didn't think he even did."

"He means the second class library, after dinner."

"How could I have missed something so obvious?" he replied in a sarcastic tone.

We approached the table and he kindly pulled a chair out for me and I sat down. He sat next to me, and gradually the other started to fill the remaining seats. Mrs. Brown sat to my left and Rose sat on the other side of Mr. Andrews. Next to Mrs. Brown, Jack found a seat, but that didn't stop him or Rose from keeping their gazes firmly planted on one another.

It made my heart ache for Harry. I wished he was here with me right now. How lovely would it be to be able to tell everyone how I felt about him, and for them to accept that without the mention of money or reputation. It was the first time I had thought of anything like that. Everything with him seemed to be going so fast, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I had never done anything impulsive or spontaneous in my whole life, but that's the way I had been living since I boarded this ship and I didn't think I had ever been happier.

Soon though, it would all come to an end and I knew that. When we docked in New York I was on the first train to Philadelphia. Then there was the wedding, and then I was returning to school. The year would go by quickly, before I knew it I would make my debut in society and be married not long after, to some rich old man no doubt.

I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it and took a long sip of water.

"Tell us of the accommodations in steerage, Mr. Dawson. I hear they're quite good on this ship." Aunt Ruth asked over the other conversations going on at the table. One by one everyone stopped to look at Jack, including me, although I did contemplate throwing dagger like glances across the table at her.

"The best I've seen, ma'am. Hardly any rats." Jack replied. He didn't bat an eyelash at her comment. I was impressed.

Cal cleared his throat "Mr. Dawson is joining us from third class. He was of some assistance to my fiancée last night." He said to everyone. There were quick glances exchanged around the table.

Waiters then began to come around with trays of caviar and such. Both Mrs. Brown and I declined and the waiter moved on to Jack "How do you take your caviar, sir?"

Jack shook his head. "No caviar for me thanks, never did like it much."

"And where exactly do you live, Mr. Dawson?" Aunt Ruth pushed.

Jack seemed untouched by her attitude though and remained cool and collected. "Well, right now my address is the RMS _Titanic_. After that, I'm on God's good humor."

"You find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you?"

"Well... it's a big world, and I want to see it all before I go. My father was always talkin' about goin' to see the ocean. He died in the town he was born in, and never did see it. You can't wait around, because you never know what hand you're going to get dealt next. See, my folks died in a fire when I was fifteen, and I've been on the road since. Somethin' like that teaches you to take life as it comes at you. To make each day count."

Next to me Mrs. Brown raised her glass. "Well said, Jack."

I smiled and did the same. "I agree."

"Here, Here" replied Col. Gracie from across the table.

"To making it count" Rose spoke up, her glass was raised and she kept her green eyes glued to Jack. Mrs. Brown nudged me and I knew I wasn't the only one who was

seeing it.


	12. Here's to the Night

**Chapters might be a bit hard to get up this week, with school starting back up and all, but I'm trying my best :) Thanks for all of your suggestions Liz, I hope you notice that I took you up on a lot of them. lol and don't worry this chapter is a bit more exciting than yesterdays :)**

**Remember guys I would love to hear any kind of suggestions you want to give to me. I really am open minded and won't be offended or yell at you lol **

**Oh yeah one more thing. For awhile I was pretty good about sticking to the officer schedule that I found on the internet but realized just today that Harry really should be working right now. So I switched it around a bit and now Moody is. I guess it was my blonde moment of the day or something, anyway, I realize I made a mistake with that so I'm sorry to anyone who is really picky about that sort of thing. **

Chapter Twelve

Dinner finished up that night without too many uncomfortable moments, for which I was thankful.

Col. Gracie stood up as the dessert plates were being cleared. "Well, join me for a brandy gentleman."

Finally it was over with. I wiped my mouth with my napkin and laid it down on the table. Slowly we all began to rise from the table.

"Joining us, Mr. Dawson? You don't want to stay out here with the women, do you?" Col. Gracie asked as Jack rose from his seat.

"No thanks. I'm heading back." Jack answered.

"Probably best. It'll be all business and politics, that sort of thing. Wouldn't interest you. Good of you to come." Cal said as he walked away from the table. He and the other men disappeared from the dining room leaving Jack to say his goodbyes. He walked over to Rose and I could see them speaking quietly to one another, he lifted her hand and kissed it before leaving the table.

I watched them with a happy heart and then noticed that Aunt Ruth was speaking to the other ladies at the table. I figured this was as good as time as any to make my getaway.

"Sarah!" a loud whisper pulled me back to the table.

I looked over and saw Rose looking at me with intent eyes. She motioned for me to come over next to her. Mr. Andrews had left and I scooted over into his seat.

"What?"

She handed me a piece of paper, keeping it hidden under the table. I unfolded it and read it.

_"Make it count. Meet me at the clock"_

I looked at her full of question. Why couldn't she have just asked me to meet her at the clock? I looked down at it again and realized it wasn't Rose's handwriting.

_Make it count..._I thought. Then it hit me, it was from Jack.

"Come with me." she pleaded.

"I..." I was torn, I really wanted to be there for Rose, but at the same time my heart was practically aching to see Harry.

"Where is he supposed to meet you?" another voice asked from behind me. I turned around and faced Mrs. Brown.

"How..."

"Just tell me, I'll meet him there and then tell him where you are."

"You'd do that for me?"

She smiled and playfully pinched my cheek. "You're about the cutest thing I've seen in all my years, I'd love to...it'll make me feel young again."

Both Rose and I laughed. I quickly told Mrs. Brown where I was supposed to meet Harry and she promised to tell him where I was. Rose and I excused ourselves from the table saying we were going to my room, and quickly made our way up the stairs and towards the grand staircase. We saw Jack standing at the landing looking up at the clock. Rose suddenly stopped in her tracks. She looked at me, her face covered in anxiety. I reached over and squeezed her hand tightly and smiled. She smiled back and stepped forward. As if on cue Jack turned around and smiled at her, he saw me behind her and gave me a quick wink, his eyes then went back to Rose.

"So you wanna go to a real party?"

_Moments later..._

Jack had led us down an endless maze of staircases to the third class General Room where we found a party in full swing. An band of, who I am assuming were Irish, men and women were in the center playing their instruments and all around people of all different races were dancing together. Jack sat us down at a table and went off to find us some drinks. I noticed that there were a few people staring at us, mainly the women, but their gazes didn't linger and soon it seemed as if they accepted us.

Jack came back with glasses filled with a brown liquid for each of us. He set them down on the table and a little girl with curly brown hair came up to Jack and tapped him on the leg. He turned around and smiled at her. He swung her up in his arms and brought her over the area where everyone was dancing. He set her down and she stepped on his feet and the two of them started to dance, a little awkwardly, but dancing none the less.

Rose and I both started to laugh. She took a long drink out of her glass. She set it down, and made a puckered face.

"What is it?" I asked examining the glass.

"Beer, I think." she replied and took another drink. I decided if she could drink it then I could to and quickly took a drink. At first I felt like gagging, but after a moment or two

I got used to it and took another. The music started to pick up and both Rose and I found ourselves clapping to the beat of the music. I found myself polishing off my entire

glass. A young man who had set himself down across from me, smirked at me.

"Good eh?" his accent was very Irish and very thick.

I smiled and he handed me another one and then left the table.

Next to me Rose was laughing as she watched Jack dance with the little girl.

"Look at him, he's so sweet with her!" she yelled as to be heard over the music.

"We used to do that, remember?" I asked, talking just as loudly.

"Uncle Richard!" we both said at once and immediately burst into giggles and then both took a drink. Uncle Richard was an older gentleman who wasn't really an uncle, more like a friend of the family. He used to dance with Rose and I like that when we were young.

The song ended and Jack leaned over to the little girl. "I'm going to dance with her now." he said pointing to Rose. He walked over to Rose, who looked at me quickly in a

panic. I smiled with encouragement.

"C'mon" he said.

"What?"

"C'mon..." he pulled her up.

"Jack, Jack wait..."

The music started up at a faster pace this time and with Rose still fretting Jack began to turn her around the dance floor. Her face was shining as Jack spun her around. She was obviously becoming more comfortable with the music and with him.

From behind me a pair of arms suddenly wrapped around me and just by the feel of his skin I knew who it was. I giggled and tilted my head up, Harry leaned over and kissed me sweetly. "Someone's been drinking." he said as he pulled away.

I covered my mouth. "I'm sorry." but for some reason laughed at the same time.

He looked at me with amusement. "Obviously a little too much."

"It's not my fault, it's really strong" I said loudly as the music became louder. "Do you want some."

He shook his head and laughed. "I'm entertained enough just watching you..." he looked over at the dance floor and then back at me. "You want to dance?"

"Oh no..."

"I don't like that answer...let's go!" he got up and pulled me up beside him. I felt my head spinning from all of the beer I had just drank.

"Harry!"

He hand went to my waist and he took my other into his. I pulled up my dress as we started to dance, I had no idea what we were doing. I just let him lead. And he was

good. Obviously having done this before. We danced for what seemed like hours, Rose and Jack were dancing so well together that everyone actually stopped to watch them.

"She's smiling" Harry said to me.

I nodded. She was...

_Later..._

I couldn't help but laugh as Harry pushed open the door and led me outside onto the deck. I felt extremely lightheaded now, but I didn't care. The cold air was a relief after being inside the General Room which had become hot and stuffy with so many people and I could feel it return some of my senses, but none the less I threw my arms around Harry and kissed him. Our lips still locked together, he picked me up and twirled me around, causing my head to swirl even more. It was a wonderful feeling. Here with him under the bright stars with nothing around us but miles and miles of ocean.

He set me down and looked me in the eye. "Is this even real?"

I smiled. "It doesn't feel like it, does it?"

He shook his head and kissed me again. It was like our first, only much much better. I felt like I was melting in his arms, his hands were in my hair and then running over my back and then up and down my arms.

We he pulled away I was still hung on the moment and between that and my inebriated mind the words I had been wanting to say just came pouring from my lips.

"I love you."

I expected him to be shocked, I'm not sure why, but he surprised me.

"I love you too...god damn I love you" he said without any sort of hesitation and kissed me again.

"God, Harry get a bloody room will ya?"

Harry pulled away from me and we both looked in the direction of the strange voice. It belonged to another officer, he was young with a round face, which was now sporting a mighty cocky grin. Harry took off his hat and threw it at him.

"Privacy, Jimmy, go look it up!"

Jimmy, as I now knew he was, caught the hat before it hit him and laughed. He came up and put it back on Harry's head and looked at me. "So you're the girl we've been hearing so much about..." he looked me up and down and I could feel my face burn with embarrassment. "...you're not unattractive." he leaned in towards me and whispered. "...so why are you with him?"

My giggling resurfaced and quickly pushed away any embarrassment I had been feeling. Harry scowled at him but soon his face broke into a grin. "Jealously is a horrible thing Mr. Moody and shouldn't you be on the bridge."

"So I took a walk..." he turned to me. "...by the way it's very nice to meet you Sarah, I haven't had a moments peace since Harry met you at the hat shop."

I smiled. "Thank you."

"Hey now, don't change the subject!" Harry said playfully pushing him away from me.

"I'm not, I was using my manners."

"Is there a reason you're here?"

"That's a good question, is there a reason any of us are here?"

Harry looked annoyed, I covered my mouth to hide my amusement., Jimmy grinned obnoxiously.

"All right, all right. Boxhall sent me down here, there's some party and he wanted me to make sure everyone was behaving themselves. I honestly didn't come look for you, but what a pleasant surprise, eh?"

"Yes, what a surprise..." Harry replied rolling his eyes. "Is Lights still on duty."

Jimmy nodded.

Harry turned to me and took my hand. "C'mon."

"Where are we going?"

"You can mingle with my kind for awhile."


	13. Crush

**Sara thank you so much for your review! I read that this morning and felt like crying, I was very touched that you think all of those great things about this story. So you made my day and I love you for that : ) I really hope you like the rest of the story and where its going…oh yeah about that part with Harry saying something about Rose smiling. He does know a bit about what's going…Sarah had mentioned some of it on the boat deck earlier, but I had written something before that that I had erased, but I forgot to change that line, so you have a good eye! That line wasn't supposed to be in there! My bad : ) But they do talk about it later on in this Chapter…**

**To everyone…I am so sorry I didn't update yesterday, it might be like for the rest of the week though, school is totally kicking my butt, there's no kindness in the world I swear! I am trying my best though, this chapter was written over the course of two days with some interruptions, so I really hope it flows all right. It's really juicy though…I really have to stop watching Passions…lol**

Chapter Thirteen

Although I had just been on the bridge the day before, it seemed like a completely different place now. It was dark, and quiet, but it was a peaceful quiet. Harry held tightly to my hand as he led me inside. A man with a stern face, and very strong jaw, stood near the front window, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. He turned around when he saw us enter.

"A little late for visitor isn't?" he asked, focusing on me.

Harry and Jimmy exchanged looks before grinning at him.

"Now Lights be nice to the girl, she could probably buy you or sell you." Jimmy replied.

The man raised his eyebrows and then looked back at me, some slight amusement in his face. "There are plenty of other men on board and you chose Lowe…my sympathies, Miss."

I smiled at his joke as Harry wrapped his arm around me.

"She has good taste, not her fault." he replied with a grin. "Sarah, this is Charles Lightoller, he's first officer."

"Nice to meet you." I said extending my hand. He shook it.

"Are you planning on showing her around?" he asked Harry.

"If that's all right."

He nodded. "Just be quick about it…very nice to meet you, Sarah." he replied before turning back to the window. Harry led me off and Jimmy disappeared inside another room. He led me towards a wall filled with lights and switches and other things that all looked too complicated to understand. He explained what all of it was for and what it did, but I honestly just sat there and nodded through most of it.

"This grid shows us when the water tight doors are secure…"

"Mmm hmmm…"

"…and this one here is a signal to all four headed purple flamingos so we don't accidentally run them over."

"Oh…wait, what?" I shook my head out of the daze I had been in and saw him smiling at me, arms crossed across his chest.

"Have you been paying any attention?"

"Uh…no."

He shook his head, laughing at me. "You never manage to not surprise me."

I smiled at him, a big and hearty grin. "Your Welcome."

He smiled a smile nearly as big as mine and pulled me towards him and kissed me quickly. We both laughed as we parted, our foreheads pressed together so that we were as close as we could be, for the moment anyway.

"Come on, I'll show you the rest."

He took hold of my hand and led to other parts of the bridge, even convincing some other man to let me steer the ship for a moment.

"Watch out for those flamingos." he whispered in my ear. I burst out laughing. Everyone else just looked at us and shook their heads.

After that he took me inside and down a corridor filled with doors. He pulled me into the third or fourth door down, which I realized, as I walked in, was the Wireless Room. He introduced me to the two men who were behind the counter. They were very polite and talked to us for a few moments before we left.

"Is that the end of the tour?" I asked, when stepped out of the room.

"No, there's one more." he wrapped his arm around my waist and led me down the hall, turning onto another and then back up to another, he then stopped at a door and looked around the quiet and empty hallway before opening it. He let me go in first and then came in behind me shutting the door.

"Where are we?"

"This is my room."

"Oh" I looked around and noticed it was much smaller than mine, in fact it seemed nearly a third of the size of mine, but it was nice. A dresser with a mirror beside it, a single bed, night table, and desk. The only light in the room was sitting on the desk and casting our shadows against the walls. "This is nice."

He laughed and took off his coat. "Yes, I guess it is. Sure isn't anything like yours though."

"Elegance isn't everything. This is more personal." I replied, noticing the amount of things strewn across the room; Clothes, books, little things here and there.

He sat down on the bed and removed his hat. "Yes well, that tends to happen when you don't have a port to call your own."

I still stood near the door, a bit apprehensive about my being alone with him in his cabin, and looked at him quizzically. "What do you mean? You don't have a home?"

He shook his head, "She'll do for now though" he said letting his gaze follow a circular path towards the ceiling and then back to me again.

I took a brave step and walked over and sat next to him on the bed. "I don't really have a home either."

"I thought Philadelphia was."

I shook my head. "It's hard to call some place your home when you're only there a few months out of the year. I like to say England is, but it feels more like a place to stay to me, not a home."

He took my hand into his and squeezed it tightly. "What's the old saying, Home is where the heart is?"

I nodded, having heard that once or twice.

"Maybe" he thought aloud. "Home doesn't always have to be a place…" he turned my face towards him. "…maybe it can be a person as well."

"Maybe." I said quietly as he looked into my eyes. We leaned in a kissed one another as if being pulled in by a magnet. It different this time though, it seemed to have more of a purpose. He was still the same and so was I, but I could just feel the unfamiliar lingering in between us. He pulled me closer to him and began to kiss me with intensity and I couldn't help but return it. I felt lightheaded but it was in a wonderful way, I felt as if I was floating on a cloud, a cloud that he gently laid me down on and hovered over me, persisting with his kisses.

My mind was whirling with emotions, pushing out any coherent thought I had left. When he began to kiss my neck, I closed my eyes and fought fiercely as they tried to reenter my mind. If this was what Polly had been talking about, and I had a feeling it was, she was right about him, he really did seem to know what he was doing.

Suddenly my eyes popped open and all those thoughts came rushing back into my mind. If he did know what he was doing, he had obviously done this, or some variations of it, before.

"Harry…no." I pushed him up and sat up myself.

Both our of our breathing patterns were uneven and he looked at me exasperated. "What is it?"

"This isn't right."

"It couldn't be more right, I love you, and you love me…"

"That's not it! We're not married and for heaven's sake I haven't even known you a week, does that seem right to you?"

"I try not to focus on the negative." he replied with his famous smile.

"Harry, please!" I got up from the bed and nervously began to wring my hands together.

He got up and came over towards me, serious this time, and placed his hands on my shoulders. "I'm sorry, I keep forgetting what kind of world you come from."

I felt close to tears. I couldn't bring myself to turn around and face him with the thoughts that were swimming through my head.

"I'm not like the others then?"

"Others?"

"The other girls."

"What are you talking about."

It took a lot out of me but I found the courage to turn around and looked him right in the eye…oh those eyes. I couldn't help but feel myself soften when I did, but then I was reminded of what those eyes could have done to other girls.

"How many have there been?"

"Why are you getting so upset over this all of the sudden?"

I wasn't sure why. Jealously maybe, fear, I didn't know. You hear so many things. Whispers of diseases and strange things happening to people. Ladies who sold themselves for just a few pounds in London, girls my age…

"Just…don't lie to me. Obviously I'm not the first."

"Yes, that's true, but you're the first one that I've ever loved."

"So how many were before me?"

"Sarah, you're testing my patience!"

At those words, those harshly spoken words, I lost my nerve and did let the tears spring from my eyes. He stood there for only a moment before taking me into his arms. "I'm so sorry." I sobbed into his shoulder.

"It's all right."

"No…" I replied, shaking my head, and pulling away from him. "….it's not. I have no right to ask you about things that happened well before we met. You love me and that's what matters." I sighed deeply. "Everything about this seems so obscure to me. I have no idea how I'm going to walk off this ship without you, knowing that I might never see you again, and knowing the life that I'm walking back into. I feel protected from all of that when I'm with you…"

"I keep the rich folk's at bay?" he asked with a tiny grin.

I had to laugh. I slowly nodded. "Yes something like that."

"There's a simple solution to this, you know…just don't get off the ship."

I shook my head. "It doesn't work like that."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated, trust me, if anyone could just walk away…" I began to think about Rose. She wanted to walk away, run away even. But she couldn't. Compared to hers, my life was picture perfect, it wouldn't be fair for me to get a chance to do what she had wanted for years and for her to just stay glued to her unhappy life.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Rose…" I said almost in an afterthought tone.

"Rose?"

I looked at him, deciding if anyone would listen, it would be him. "She's in trouble."

He raised his eyebrows and I continued.

"I told you about what happened last night…"

"Her nearly going overboard."

"It wasn't an accident. She was going to kill herself."

He exhaled heavily, shock covering his face. "I kind of had a feeling when we talked earlier. Why? What would make someone want to do that?"

I explained it all to him, tearing up at certain points, but holding my composure until I had told him every last thing.

"I don't like the sound of this Hockley fellow…he doesn't seem…right."

"A lot of people say that."

He sat me back down on the bed and then brought his desk chair over and sat himself on it. "She didn't look like a suicidal girl tonight though, in fact she looked like she was living life. Not too many rich girls will attend poor folks' gatherings."

"Jack invited her."

"Sounds like she's made a friend."

"Yes maybe."

"Just like you have." he said with an encouraging smile.

I smiled at him and thought about the way Jack and Rose had been looking at one another earlier.

He grinned at me and then reached for my hand. "Come on Ms. Wilkes, it's past your bedtime."

_Later…_

We came out on the boat deck and were greeted by a more than sound breeze. There wasn't another soul around and we held hands as we walked. I couldn't help but look up into the starry sky. It was as if a thousand diamonds had been sewn into a satin blanket.

I didn't want the night to end. In fact, I found myself wishing I had kept my mouth shut when we were in his room, but something told me it wasn't the right time. I turned to him as we slowly walked down the deck. He was so handsome, so kind, and so perfect. He was perfect because he wasn't…there were times when he didn't say the right thing, or made a joke when he shouldn't have, but that made him all the more alluring to me. Was it possible to feel anything stronger for someone than just love?

I stopped and holding onto his hand, tugged him towards me. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Earlier, I ruined a moment that could have been perfectly wonderful."

"You don't hear me complaining…it wouldn't have been anything wonderful if you hadn't of been ready, though"

"Still, I am…"

He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me sweetly. "Soon, just not now, all right."

I nodded and he kissed me again.

"Are you sure you want to go back to that world you live in? You could stay here forever, you and me and the Titanic."

"Your way sounds better." I replied, laying my head on his shoulder.

"Then forget about everything, don't even tell anyone. Send a postcard."

I would have liked nothing more, but it wasn't possible. I had too many obligations, most he had no idea about.

"I can't."

"Why, are you already engaged to some rich old man with more money than God and not telling me?"

"No. There's just too much." I said pulling away.

He pushed the hair out of my face and let his fingertips linger against my skin. "I'll get you Sarah Wilkes, you can be sure of that."

I prayed with everything I had that he would. I loved him, truly, and it wasn't something that was going to go away. I really didn't know how I was going to leave without him, but I also had no idea how I could stay either.


	14. Everywhere

Chapter 14

**OMG I am so sorry this took so long to post! I am horrible, just horrible (Bad Zut! Very naughty Zut...yeah a little bit of Monty Python HG there for you guys, just watched that and lol what a great movie) anyway this chap. is a bit different, I tried my hand at writing from Harry's POV, it isn't very long, just something I was tinkering with, hope you guys like it. I'm going to be writing my butt off this weekend so that should make up for the lack of posts this week!**

**Happy Reading and thanks soooo much for your reviews!**

**I look forward to them everyday :)**

The next morning I woke up quite early, not that I had really slept the night before. I just lay there, bundled up in the blankets all night long wishing Harry was next to me. In those few moments I had where I was nearly sleeping, yet still awake, I could have sworn I felt him there next to me. At that point I would wake up again, looking for him, only to find he wasn't there. Then I would lye back down and let my heartache take me over.

To make it go, I thought about all of the wonderful things that had happened the night before and relived every moment with a happy feeling inside me. Although I had to admit I did have a regret, I kept it buried deep, but I knew it was there. Lingering, almost. I wished I hadn't acted so foolish when we were at the point where we were the closest we had ever been to one another. Yet, I knew that if I hadn't I would have gone through with something that I knew in my heart I wasn't ready for.

All my life I had been taught how wrong those feelings were and how one could be damned for eternity for even thinking of them, but I was starting to believe that it was all a lie. Love, meant many different things and if God hadn't wanted us to desire and experience them, then why would he have given us the ability to.

Those were the thoughts that kept me awake for most of the night. I must have rethought them at least a dozen times each, but each and every time I always arrived at the same conclusion.

Harry was right, we loved one another and there was nothing wrong with that, but it wasn't the right time.

_Soon, but not now…_he had said.

And I agreed.

When the clock in my room showed 7 I decided to go ahead and get up. I drew myself a bath and washed the fatigue off of myself, when I was out I brushed out my hair and picked out a dress for breakfast and also one for the church services that were being held in the dining room afterwards. Hannah came in and was surprised to see me all ready awake.

"Look at you, all ready out of bed and ready to greet the day. Did you sleep well?" she asked, while pulling the covers back on my bed.

I tied my robe tightly around myself and nodded, not really wanting to tell her I hadn't, she would have asked Why and I didn't feel like explaining it all to her. She just smiled though and helped with my corset and then dressed me in my warmer undergarments.

"It's bit nippy out" she explained and then helped me pull on my light blue and white dress. It was long sleeved with lace accents and fit me with that hour glass type figure, thanks to the corset of course. All the same it was very pretty and perfect for cool spring day.

"You're getting skinny." she commented when she did her usual looking me over routine. "Have you been eating."

"It must be the traveling, it always puts me on edge. I never have much of an appetite."

"Well when you do eat, eat sweets, you're making me feel as big as house."

I laughed. The only thing big about Hannah were possibly her feet. She was very tall and slender.

I finished dressing and she did my hair and I then left to for the dining room, where I met Polly. We talked all through breakfast and then went to the library to talk before getting ready for church.

Of course I told her all about what had happened the night before and she was ecstatic. She kept telling me how right she was about us and before I knew it we'd be planning a wedding. As soon as she mentioned that though, I got noticeably quiet. I start reliving the bad parts of the night before, the quarrel.

"Sarah, what is it?"

"I can't leave him, Polly."

She rested her hand on top of mine. "Who said you have to?"

I sniffed back the tears that we coming to the surface and shook my head. "No one, I'll just have to. My Grandfather won't stand for it, it doesn't fit into his plans."

"Plans change all of the time, why can't it happen now?"

"You know that my father split his estate down the middle when it comes to George and I. We receive it when we are 21 or married. When I marry it goes to my husband. He won't want that money given to someone who has none, at least in his eyes…and I don't even want to think of what my Grandmother will say."

"She'll want you to follow your heart, after you've finished school anyway. You know that."

"Part of her does, but then a much bigger part wants me to marry some rich man due to inherit millions upon millions, have his children and leave it at that. It's the era she was raised in."

She sighed deeply and looked at me her eyes full of sympathy. "You really want to be with him don't you?"

I nodded. I was positive that's what I wanted.

"How much money are we talking about here?"

"An awful lot."

"Does Harry know, I mean does he know what can come of all of this, if you two do marry. Does he know that will make him rich beyond belief?"

"What are you saying?" I was shocked she'd even suggest that Harry was only with me for my money.

"No, that's not what I meant…what I meant was does he realize what you two could have together, or what you may have to give up?"

I thought about that for a moment. Obviously Harry knew my family was wealthy, I was traveling first class on one of the most expensive liners in the world, but I didn't know if he had actually sat down and thought about how much there really was. He told me I didn't act as if I were rich, which most likely meant he didn't even think about it when he was with me. I liked that idea, I liked being normal in his eyes, they were the only eyes that mattered to me.

"If I were you, I would denounce the money all together. Give it all to George."

I contemplated what she was telling me, it did make sense.

"Then there's my grandmother though, she's leaving everything to me when she passes on. What do I do, give that all to Aunt Ruth?"

"Sarah, you have to make a very serious and important choice here, if in fact Harry does want to ask for your hand in marriage, it might be soon, it might be later, but you need to prepare yourself. I'll help you in any way I can, but in the end you have to make the choice. Your family may not like the idea of you marrying a simple White Star Line officer, and they're going to try and dissuade you from wanting to be with him, but you're going to have to fight it."

"I realize that."

And I did. I didn't wish hurt upon anyone, even Aunt Ruth. I knew that's what would happen though.

"This is so complicated."

She smiled. "Of course it is, you're in love."

_Meanwhile…(from Harry's POV)_

It had been a slow morning. On watch from 4 until 8; I despised that shift, nothing ever happened. All right, a few drunk Irishmen down in steerage that the master at arms was having trouble with, was a bit amusing, but all the same I wished I was somewhere else. Now ten minutes until 8 and I could barely keep my eyes open. I reasoned with myself that it was my own damn fault for staying up all night, but, I thought with a grin, it was all worth it.

She made me crazy. Her smile, her hair, her…well everything. I'll see her after dinner tonight, hopefully more rested than I was now, but it seemed way too long.

"Harry."

I turned around and saw Jimmy walking towards me.

"Morning."

"Morning." he replied, mid yawn. "Slow morning."

"Few ice warnings, that's it. Nothing to get all excited about, are you here to relieve me?"

He nodded. "Just until noon right."

"Right"

"You look like you need the sleep."

I yawned and nodded my head.

"Now I wonder why poor Officer Lowe, is so exhausted…" Lights spoke up. "…couldn't be because of the little tour he led through here last night, could it?"

He stood over near the front window and smiled wickedly at me.

"You can go to hell" I replied, he and Jimmy started to laugh.

"She can't be very old…twenty, if that. Young people these days have so much energy." he was obviously proud of his own joke, he laughed for a good minute.

"Well I liked her, very pretty, and smart." Jimmy replied.

"Thank you" I said.

"Yes, yes she is. You did luck out with this one. Smart, rich and beautiful. All men should be so lucky. Moody, when we dock you should head to the nearest hat shop in New York and find yourself a girl like that."

I groaned and turned to Jimmy. "You told him?"

He sulked back while Lights looked amused at the two of us. "Well, you're not the only one who's getting laughed at now. Wasn't exactly your fault you were there in the first place. You should name your first child after me or something, I did you a favor."

"Children, pesky creatures, nothing but mud and bad manners. Can't wait to see mine again." he said with a smile.

"I'm going to bed." I said looking for any excuse to get out of there.

"Sleep tight…and say hello to Ms. Wilkes for me." Lights laughed as I walked back inside and towards my quarters.

_Bloody Idiot._

I walked into my cabin and shut the door behind and collapsed on my bed, fully clothed. It didn't seem like it was too long ago that I was here with Sarah. I wished she was here right now, I needed something to wrap my arms around, and she was the perfect size. I turned over and clutched the pillow tightly in my arms and fell asleep dreaming about her, dreaming that she was the pillow.

_Later…_

I woke up about 3 and half hours later, around 11:30. I shaved and changed uniforms before going to the mess and getting something to eat. 20 minutes later I was on the bridge, found Moody and relieved him. Lucky bloke, getting to sleep.

"Lowe, Andrews is giving a tour of the bridge, so act like you're doing something, okay?" Boxhall said low, so only I would hear.

I nodded and looked up to see Mr. Andrews coming through with a group of people. It took me a moment to realize that it was Sarah's cousin Rose, walking next to Mr. Andrews, she was followed by a man, whom I assumed to be Hockley, and woman with red hair, and then I saw Sarah.

She looked so beautiful. Her hair was down, I loved it down, and pushed all the way over to one side with a ribbon. She saw me and smiled, her whole face lighting up. Rose looked over at me too and gave me a small smile. Forced, I thought. Then I got a good look at Hockley; total snob. Nose jetted straight up into the air, but my eyes drifted back to Sarah. I had to walk out onto the deck and made a point of walking right past her, letting my hand brush up against hers. I was so close I could smell that lilac scent she always wore. The captain approached them as I went outside and I looked back at Sarah, I could see her shaking hands with the captain.

"So nice to see you again…" I heard him say.

With my hands clasped behind me I walked towards the edge of the deck and looked out over the water.

"Psst"

I continued to look out on the ocean, feeling the wind blow across the deck.

"Psst!"

I turned towards the noise that I was hearing. Some bloke was standing near the railing and motioning to me. His bowler hat covered his eyes, so I couldn't really make out who it was.

"Remember me?"

"Sorry I don't."

He lifted the hat quickly and looked at me. It was that boy from steerage. "What are you doing up here?"

"Is Rose in there?"

I looked back towards the bridge and back at him and nodded. "Yes"

He looked somewhat relieved. "Thanks a lot." and began to leave.

"Hold on…something going on I should know about?"

"Just don't tell her you saw me."

I could do that. "All right."

And he turned and quickly made his way down towards the gymnasium. I shrugged to myself and went back to my spot. Stealing quick glances at Sarah as many times as I could.


	15. I Can't Fight This Feeling

Chapter 15

**A bit shorter than normal but there's another one in the works as we speak...oh yeah and no Harry this chapter...lol sorry to my fellow Harry lovers. And I just have to say you guys are the sweetest people ever! I'm glad to know that just because its been years since the movie came out some people still appreciate it. I'm a real stickler about details, and I'm glad I haven't bored any of you with it. I figure that's only way to make it seem real. **

**Thanks again for all of the reviews!**

"Mr. Andrews, I did the sum in my head, and with the number of lifeboats times the capacity you mentioned... forgive me, but it seems that there are not enough for everyone aboard." Rose replied as Mr. Andrews led us down the boat deck.

Aunt Ruth and Cal were paying polite attention to the conversation, but after seeing Harry just a few moments ago, nothing could really hold my interest. I made it look as if I were listening, but in my mind, all I could think about was after dinner this evening when I would see him again.

"About half, actually. Rose, you miss nothing, do you? In fact, I put in these new type davits, which can take an extra row of boats here. But it was thought... by some... that the deck would  
look too cluttered. So I was over-ruled." he answered.

That seemed like an awful silly reason to me, it was as if there weren't enough decks on this ship anyway. I looked over at the lifeboats and saw a man in a jacket and hat leaning up against one of them. Rose and the others past him, but I saw him turn my way and look at me. It was Jack, he brought his fingers to his lips telling me to keep quiet. I nodded.

Cal slapped the side of the boat "Waste of deck space as it is, on an unsinkable ship!"

Mr. Andrews turned back to Rose, and reassured her. "Sleep soundly, young Rose. I have built you a good ship, strong and true. She's all the lifeboat you need."

Rose nodded in a polite, but unconvinced manner. The group moved on and I watched as Jack suddenly moved behind Rose and tapped her on the shoulder, Mr. Andrews and the others were heading down the deck and did not notice as Jack pulled Rose in the gymnasium we had visited only moments ago.

"Cover for us" he whispered to me. I nodded and he shut the door.

I walked down the deck quickly and caught up with them. Aunt Ruth turned to me when I approached. "Where's Rose?"

"She went back to the bridge, she…lost an earring."

"Oh, should we stop?" Mr. Andrews asked in his kind Irish accent.

"She'll catch up…I saw that we have traveled nearly 500 miles since yesterday, when do expect us to be in New York?" I asked linking my arm through his and leading the group down the deck.

_Later…_

Mr. Andrews was leading us down the Second Class staircase when Rose caught up with us.

"Did you find your earring, sweet pea?" Cal asked.

"My…" he hand went to her ear and I looked at her and nodded quickly. She understood what I was saying. "Oh…yes, I did."

"Good, well I believe some tea would be nice, even if it is a bit late." Aunt Ruth replied. "Will you being joining us, Cal…Mr. Andrews?"

"Sadly, no. I have some inspections to do." Mr. Andrews replied. "I have enjoyed your company very much, we shall have to do it again before we reach New York."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea." I answered.

He bid us a goodbye and walked back towards the bridge. Cal the excused himself to the smoking room and left as well. Rose and I then followed Aunt Ruth down the lounge where we met Lady Duff-Gordon and the Countess of Rothes for tea.

Rose was very silent all through tea and as soon as I was able I whisked her away from the table and back towards our rooms.

"No, I don't want to go back there." she said and pulled me outside. It had gotten cooler as the day had gone on, but it was still pleasant out.

"Rose, what are earth happened?"

She swallowed back and was silent for a moment before answering me. The only sound you could hear was the clicking of our heels against the deck. Then finally she spoke.

"…he told me I was the most amazingly, astounding, wonderful…woman, that he's ever known." she said quietly. Her voice was far and distant, like she was back in the gymnasium when Jack had said that to her.

I couldn't help but smile. "He did?"

She looked up at me, pulled from her memory and smiled, it was a smile I had never seen before, full of happiness and excitement. "He really did."

Our walking ceased and we sat down on a deck bench. She was still flying high from those words. I listened as she told me everything he had said, every feeling she had. It was something I understood all to well. Then her smile slowly faded and her face fell.

"He said that they have me trapped…do you believe that?"

I was silent. Of course I did, but telling that to someone who had lived their whole life a certain way and then telling them that its wrong, isn't something you take without due consideration.

"Sarah?" she asked, looking up.

"Rose…I can't say that."

She looked at me, with big shocked eyes. "I thought you of all people would be honest with me."

"I can't tell you something like that…what would that say about me? It would make me seem as if I thought I was somehow better than you, and I know that isn't true. It may not seem like it, but we are in the same boat…ship…and we're both heading towards the same fate, yours is due to come sooner, but soon…"

"Jack's right." she interrupted, shaking her head. "You know it and I know it."

It took me a moment but I finally nodded my head and agreed with her.

We both went silent. I couldn't even think, it was that quiet. The waves sloshing up against the hull was the only noise to be heard. Finally from no where I found myself saying.

"Go to him."

She looked over at me her eyes full of question, confusion. The sun was bright, but dimming in the late afternoon sky, but it set her hair ablaze like wildfire.

"This may be your only chance, and you'll never forgive yourself if you don't take it."

She didn't say anything. Just looked away and out at the water. Slowly she got up and walked over to the railing. I followed her. As she stood at the railing I put my hand on her shoulder.

"You jump I jump." she whispered faintly.

"What?"

She turned to me. "You go to Harry, forget everything. You may not have said anything to me, but I know that you are holding back. Money can't buy you happiness, it can't give you peace of mind, it can't love you. You are meant to be, who cares what anyone else thinks, it doesn't matter, because it's you."

It amazed me how she made every problem I had been fighting in my mind, come out in the open and analyze it in just a few sentences. I smiled when I realized, that's what I was going to do.

"So that means that…"

"I will go see Jack." she smiled.

We embraced one another tightly. Before she raced off to find Jack. I however wasn't quite ready. I knew Harry was still on duty and didn't want to bother or get him into trouble with the other officers. I went back to my cabin and decided to change into something nicer. Dinner would be soon, and after that when I saw Harry I would tell him.

My life was changing right before my eyes, and for the first time, I truly had a grasp on it.


	16. Here With Me

**Okay kiddies, I gotta warn ya. This chapter is a bit graphic towards the end. In my opinion it does not require an M rating but all the same I felt you should be warned. I'll put stars before it or something. My sister says its nothing, and I could should have gone all VC Andrews graphic with it. I had to remind her that Harry and Sarah weren't cousins…lol. Anyway I hope you guys like this. : )**

**Hahaha Norma Jean I LUV those movies. The "k-nig-it" part gets me every time…and "Run away Run Away" (can you tell Holy Grail is my favorite? lol)**

**Sara thanks for the suggestion, I'm heading over to Amazon right now to look for it : )**

**Liz, a sequel! Oh yeah I love you! I am so going to now: )**

Chapter 15

I hurried back to my room where I met Hannah who was there and ready to help me dress for dinner. I let my shawl fall onto the chair and she helped me remove the dress I had been wearing and then began to help me dress in the gown she had laid out for dinner. It was a very elegant two piece dress, a silk ivory dress, with a short sleeved embroidered net lace over dress. It was an empire waist brought together in the front with a pretty gold clasp. The layers of the gown all fell to the ground and met at a round train. It sparkled brightly in the light with the crystal sequins sewn into the overdress. Truly fit for a princess.

She curled my hair for me and then pinned it all up, letting some of the curls fall like cascades to my neck. While she was doing that I put on a diamond necklace with matching tear drop earrings. After we were done she gave me my gloves and I slipped them on carefully.

"Here's your handbag, miss"

"Thank you" I slipped it over my wrist and checked myself in the mirror, I planned on meeting Harry right after dinner, and I wanted to look my best for him. I said good night to Hannah and left the room and headed down towards the dining room.

I met up with Polly, who told me Charles was feeling well and was lying down in their suite.

"Bit of sea sickness I suspect." she replied as we sat down at our table.

"That's awful. Do tell him I hope he feels better."

"I will thank you. Have you spoken with Harry yet?"

I shook my head, placing my napkin in my lap. "I saw him earlier this afternoon but we didn't get a chance to talk…"

She nodded

"…I'm going to after dinner." I added quickly with a tone that only she would understand.

She looked up quickly, her eyes full of question. "Are you sure?"

I nodded confidently.

She smiled at me "Do you need me to do anything for you?"

"Well…" I hesitated. "It's highly doubtful my family is going to want to see me after I tell them…"

"Say no more, you are more than welcome to stay with Charles and me in New York, for as long as you need."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am."

"Polly, really I want you to think about this first…"

She put her hand up to quiet me. "That's my final decision. Besides it will be nice to have you around and…" she leaned over and whispered. "…I understand that you'll require a certain amount of privacy."

I smiled and shook my head at her. Really, that girl only ever had one thing on her mind.

Hors D'Oeuvres were then served and with both us sat up straight and began to eat dinner.

_Later…_

We had just begun the sixth course at my table when Cal approached me.

"Excuse me everyone." he apologized to the table, then turned to me. "Sarah, may I speak with you for a moment."

"Of course. Excuse me…" the men rose from the table graciously as I got up and followed Cal out of the dining room and over to the staircase.

"You wouldn't happen to know where my fiancée is, would you?"

I looked at him puzzled. "She's not here?"

"Obviously not, why would I ask you if she was?"

He was right. "I'm sorry I haven't seen her since tea this afternoon." That wasn't exactly a lie.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, she mentioned she wasn't feeling well, maybe she went to lie down." All right I'll admit that was a lie. It scared me that I was getting so good at it, but to protect Rose, I would have done anything.

"Maybe. I'll send Lovejoy to look for her." he paused for a moment and looked at me. I felt like he was studying me. "…you look very beautiful this evening.

"Thank you." I replied, feeling slightly uneasy.

He looked at me with another long lingering stare. "You wouldn't do this to your fiancé would you?"

I didn't say anything, what does one say to something like that?

"Of course you wouldn't." he said answering his own question. "You're different. You're perfect…" his voice trailed off and I began to truly feel uncomfortable.

"I should be going back." I said, pushing the musing look off of his face.

"Yes, thank you."

I nodded and hurried back into the dining room.

"What did he want?" Polly asked as I sat back down.

"Nothing, let's just forget about it."

She looked skeptical but said "All right" and we continued our dinner. As soon as the cigars arrived on their carts I excused myself from the table. Polly gave me an encouraging smile as I left and I smiled back at her, starting to feel a bit better as I began to forget what happened with Cal.

It was still quite early and I knew Harry still had a few minutes before his shift ended so I decided to wait for him up by the bridge. I went to my room and got a coat leaving a note for Hannah telling her not to wait up for me and went up onto the boat deck. It was quite cold out, and it made me thankful I had thought to get a coat, but the stars that were shining brightly in the sky made up for it.

I sat down on a bench near the lifeboats where I could see Harry when he came out. An officer did walk by a few moments later but it wasn't Harry.

"Well hello again."

I looked up when he spoke to me; I then realized it was Jimmy. He smiled at me.

"Hello."

"Waiting for Harry?"

I nodded. "Do you know how much longer he'll be?" the cold was starting to go through me and I hoped it would be soon.

"I just relieved him; he went to his cabin to change. You can go and get him if you want?"

"Are you sure that's okay?"

He nodded. "C'mon I'll take you."

He helped me up and led me across the officer's promenade, past the bridge and into the corridor I had been in only the night before. He led me down it and stopped at Harry's door.

"Here you are."

"Thank you."

He gave me a warm smile. "You're Welcome. See you later."

I nodded and watched him walk down the hall before I knocked on Harry's door. I could hear him fumble around for a bit in the room before he opened the door. I obviously interrupted him while he was dressing; he wore only his trousers and undershirt.

"Sarah."

"Sorry, Jimmy brought me up. I'll go outside and wait for you…"I replied, embarrassed beyond belief, I started to walk down the corridor, but he reached out for me.

"No it's all right, come in, I'm almost done."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded, "I'm not shy…come on." he opened the door for me and hesitantly and somewhat slow I walked past him and into his room. He cleared some clothes off of his bed and made a spot for me to sit down.

"Sorry about the mess."

"It's all right." I really didn't mind all that much. After he tossed the clothes off to the side he pulled me towards him and kissed me.

"You look beautiful tonight." he replied afterwards.

Those words sounded so much different when they came from him. I could actually feel my heart pound with happiness when he spoke, not apprehension. We smiled at one another and he gave me one more quick kiss before going to the closet and getting a shirt off one of the hangers.

I removed my coat, since it was so warm, and laid it over the chair. He looked back at me and I thought I saw his eyes nearly pop out of his head.

"Is something the matter?" I asked, checking myself to make sure I didn't have a rat attached to my dress or something.

"You look gorgeous."

I sighed and smiled. "Didn't you just tell me that?"

"That was before I saw what you were wearing; now I think you're gorgeous."

I laughed at him, but he came towards me with a very serious expression on his face.

"I'm too lucky." he said in a low voice.

"Harry?"

"You're an angel; you're too beautiful, too good to be mortal. Every time I'm with you I feel like the earth has stopped moving and everyone else is frozen, except for you and me." he spoke with such feeling, I felt the tears begin to fall down my face. He brushed them away with the tips of his fingers and then kissed me.

"You're even beautiful when you cry." he said in the romantic whisper I had ever heard. We kissed again and it seemed like last night all over again. Only this time I dropped my defenses and silenced all of the nagging thoughts in my head.

However, I need to say what I had to before anything else happened. I gently pushed away from him, just far enough to free my lips. "I need to tell you something." I said in my softest voice.

"All right"

His eyes were wide and open and looking straight into mine.

I took a deep breath before I went on. "You told me last night that you loved me."

He nodded. "Glad you remembered." his impish smile appearing.

"No jokes." I said quickly.

"Oh all right." he forced his face to go into a serious expression.

"And I told you I loved you. And later when we were here…in this same spot, you said that to solve all my problems…"

"…You should stay here with me" he finished.

"Yes."

He was silent for a moment, and then an epiphany must have hit him because he looked at me with a huge smile on his face. "…are you…sure?"

"I want to be with you, and there's no way I can't be. So if you'll have me…"

"Of course I will, what are you mad thinking that I won't?"

He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the ground, hugging me tightly. When my feet were back on the floor he kissed me deeply, "You're really sure about this?"

I nodded. "Nothing in my life is more important to me than you." I kissed him. "Nothing."

"Hold on…here sit down." he pushed me gently down to the bed. He walked over to his desk and began to rummage around in a desk drawer.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for something."

I rolled my eyes; of course he was looking for something, but what?

A minute or so later he found what he was looking for and came over to me and sat down. In his hand was a black velvet drawstring bag. He opened it and pulled out a gold pocket watch and dropped it into my hand.

"It was my grandfather's. I never go anywhere without it."

"It's very elegant." I replied noticing the engraving of a lighthouse near the rocks of an ocean coast.

"Take it."

My eyes went to him. "What? No, I can't you just said that you never go anywhere with out it."

"And I'm not going to, because I'm never going to be without you. I don't have a ring, but the only point of a ring is because it's a symbol of never ending love…a circle. So is the watch. It's the closest thing I have to a ring…will you marry me?"

Oh my god. Oh my god…I was breathing so heavily, my heart was pounding, I looked from him, to the watch, to him again, to the watch, to him…

"Harry…"

"I know I can't give you a mansion or expensive jewelry. I know that your family will probably have me burned at the stake or thrown into the dungeon for this, but you just said you wanted to be with me and I know it isn't right to do that, unless I ask you to be my wife. I promise to give you the best that I can, give you a family; lots of children…no nannies…"

Through the tears that began to fall down my face I managed to a tiny laugh.

"…a house on the beach, so we'll always be reminded of this…"

"Yes!" I interrupted.

"Yes?"

"Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes! I'll say it as many times as you want. Yes…"

**the bit graphic part**

I was interrupted by a kiss. A strong, passionate one. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him continue, the watch clutched tightly in my hands. He laid me down just like the night before, and I felt nothing pulling me back this time. I let him kiss me, run his hands over me, let him undress me…

Everything about it felt wonderful, even the parts that weren't. I cried and he kissed the tears away, and told me over and over how much he loved me. Other than that we didn't speak, and when it was over he laid down behind me and draped his arm over me, clasping our hands together.

In that small bed we laid together, me in his arms, in just the perfect way. In fact everything about the moment was perfect. The way he tenderly kissed the back on my neck and shoulder, the room; now my room seemed mediocre to it, no first class room or even suite could compare to it.

And Harry. God I loved him. I was so happy I had him in my life and that I had come to the decision that I had. We were going to be happy together, no matter what anyone said or thought.

Nothing was ever going to come between us.


	17. You Don't Know Me

Chapter 17

I woke up hours later, my head resting comfortably on Harry's shoulder. His arm was still wrapped around me, even through his slumber he had kept in there. He slept so sweetly, his mouth slightly open, breathing in and out softly.

I sat up in the bed and reached for my chemise and slipped it on. My movement must have woken Harry, because I felt him stir and then reach for me.

"Where are you going?"

"It's late, I'm sure they've noticed I'm not there."

"What time is it?"

I reached for my stockings "Around 11, I think." I slipped one on and then the other.

He yawned and fell back on the pillow. "I can get a few more minutes of sleep before I have to go relieve, Jimmy. Would you mind if I did?"

I shook my head. "No that's fine, can you help me first?"

He nodded and got up and helped me put my corset on and then zipped my dress up for me. I got my coat and slipped the watch inside of the pocket, before he walked me to the door and kissed me goodbye.

"You really don't have to leave." he said while holding me close.

I pulled away and smiled at him. "I know, but for right now I want to avoid any conflict."

He nodded, his eyes were tired and I didn't want to keep him up anymore. "Get some sleep; I'll see you in the morning."

"All right…" he kissed me and then hugged me again. "…I love you"

"I love you too."

_Later…_

When I reached my room, I quietly put the key in the lock and let myself in. I clicked on the light and took off my jacket. I pulled the watch out of the pocket and sat on the bed and looked at it. The gold glittered brightly in the lamplight and I traced my fingers softly over the engraving on the front. I then popped it open and looked at the clock face.

It was white, with gold roman numerals as the numbers.

_11:35...I read. _

I smiled and shut the watch and laid it on my night table. I then proceeded to get undressed, laying my clothes on the couch and slipping on a warm night gown. I washed my face off in the basin before clicking the light off and crawling in under the warm blankets.

I had just closed my eyes when I felt an abrupt rumbling coming up from underneath me. I thought it to be the engines. It was as if they had suddenly stopped. I turned on the light and sat up in my bed. Everything was quiet, the gentle hum that had been present through most of the trip was now gone. I swung the blankets off of me and reached for my robe. I slipped it on and went to the door. I opened it, peering out in the hallway. I could see a few other people, roused from their sleep, doing the same.

I shut the door and shrugged my shoulders.

Maybe we just stopped for the night. That had happened once when George and I were coming home for Christmas a few years ago. The ice was really bad and they decided to just stop where they were. It upset a few people, but I didn't really mind. It might be nice to get some sleep without engines rumbling underneath you.

I went back to my bed and crawled under the covers.

It couldn't have been too much longer when I was woken up, by a rude knocking on the door. The person didn't even wait for me to answer. I heard the door open and just as I was sitting up Aunt Ruth appeared.

"You're awake, good. Get your robe on and come with me." she picked my robe up and threw it at me.

"What's going on?"

"Cal has been robbed and the Master at Arms would like to speak to everyone who had access to his suite."

Still puzzled I did as she told me and put my robe on, I followed her across the hall and into Rose and Cal's suite. Cal was seating on the sofa, his legs crossed, smoking a cigarette. He looked up at me when I walked into the room. I couldn't tell if he was angry or something else entirely.

The man who I assumed to be the Master at Arms approached me and began to ask me questions. When he was finished, he seemed very unsatisfied. Obviously none of my answers helped him. I sat down in a chair and crossed my arms tightly around me. Something about all this just didn't sit well with me. I didn't even know what was missing. Cal kept stealing glances over in my direction, but I kept my gaze glued to the wall. Behind us, Aunt Ruth was pacing frantically.

"This isn't like her…" she kept muttering.

For some reason I thought then to ask where Rose was.

"A very good question!" Aunt Ruth snapped in my direction. "You were the last one that saw her."

"She'll be back." Cal replied, almost prophetic like.

Sure enough not even a minute later, Rose walked into the room. Jack was right behind her. Her hair was flowing wildly and she wore no makeup and a simple, sheer lavender dress. I thought she looked beautiful.

"Something serious has happened." she replied, she was still holding onto Jack's hand who looked around the room, obviously feeling uncomfortable in our presence.

"That's right. Two things dear to me have disappeared this evening. Now that _one_ is back... "He turned from Rose to Jack. "I have a pretty good idea were to find the other…search him!" he barked at the master at arms beside him.

"Coat off mate" he replied. Jack, irritated looked around the room in annoyance, almost as if he expected this. The man began to pat him down and Jack replied, "This is horseshit!"

"Cal, you can't be serious! We're in the middle of an emergency and you…"

She stopped when she saw the master at arms pull a beautiful diamond necklace out of the jacket's pocket.

"Is this it?" he asked.

I looked at the necklace flabbergasted. It was a huge diamond. I had never seen anything like it before.

"That's it" he replied in an almost triumphant voice. I scowled at him. This was horseshit.

"Right then, don't make a fuss" he replied pulling some handcuffs out and beginning to lock them around Jack's wrist.

"Don't you believe it Rose" Jack yelled.

Rose looked around the scene with confusion. "He couldn't have…" she replied. Yes, that's right you know that he didn't, I thought to myself.

"Of course he could. Easy enough for a professional. He memorized the combination when you opened the safe." Cal replied in a way to knowledgeable voice.

"But I was with him the whole time"

Cal walked closer to her and whispered something in her ear that made her turn white. I turned to Aunt Ruth who had stopped pacing and was watching the scene before her with wide eyes.

"They put it in my pocket." Jack exclaimed. I wanted to agree with him but Lovejoy spoke up before me.

"Not even your coat, son…property of A.L. Ryerson" he read from the tag.

The man took it from him "That was reported stolen earlier."

Jack looked at Rose helplessly, "I was going to give it back Rose."

She didn't listen though and backed away from him, lost in her own confusion and feeling of betrayal.

"Rose, don't listen to them... I didn't do this! You know I didn't! _You know it_!" Jack disappeared into the hallway.

She backed up into her mother's arms and Aunt Ruth laid a comforting arm around her daughter. "Why do women believe men?"

Rose began to sob into Aunt Ruth's arms and I looked around the room, in utter confusion. This wasn't right. I didn't know Jack very well, but I found it to be a far fetched idea that he would even try and steal a piece of jewelry like that. It didn't make sense.

Did it?

_Later…_

After everyone had cleared the room, Aunt Ruth grabbed my arm and told me to follow her, saying we needed to leave Cal and Rose alone. I looked at Rose, whose eyes were on me, hurt and confused. I wanted to run to her and wrap my arms around her, but I was being pulled from the room and before I knew it the door had slammed shut behind me.

She pushed me into my room and followed in herself, shutting the door behind her.

"All right out with it! Where were you after dinner?"

"With friends."

"Friends? Who, that uncouth girl you've been spending time with or that Officer who can't seem to keep his hands off of you?"

I exhaled, irritated by this. It was always the same with her. She was such a…a…bitch!

"Both"

She looked at me shocked and also smug. "Well wait until my mother hears word of this. That girl is a bad influence on you and that boy needs to learn he can never have you…"

"…In fact I was alone with Harry for most of the evening," I interrupted, acting as if she hadn't said anything at all. "… and there's obviously nothing you can do about it. You keep threatening me, but you have no power over me and you know it. Grandmother loathes you; she would never believe anything that you had to say about me!"

Her hand went to her chest, and her eyes bulged from their sockets. "You…you whore!"

"Is that the best you can say? Or are you going to use this opportunity to tell me how much like my mother, I am? Which I can honestly say I don't understand. What did she do that was so horrible? Couldn't have been all that bad if Grandmother still mourns her as if she died only yesterday."

"Yes you are a whore! Just like her! Seizing something just because you want it. Putting yourself before everyone else, because you claim to be in love! Ridicules!"

"Oh shut up you old hag! I'm tired of this! You aren't my mother; you never were and never will be! Now get out!"

"Well I never…"

"Yes I'm sure you haven't! Now out or I will summon the master at arms!"

She kept her glare fixated on me, but quickly made her way out of my room. As the door shut I couldn't help but be proud of myself. I'm sure I would hear about it later, but I honestly didn't care.

I was just taking my robe off when there was another knock on the door. I sighed; I swear that woman just didn't stop did she? I swung the door open, but it wasn't Aunt Ruth that was outside of it.

An older steward, kind face and voice, greeted me.

"Sorry for the interruption, Miss. But the captain has requested that everyone dress warmly and put on their lifebelts…"he pushed his way passed me and came into my room where he fetched my life vest from the closet. "…I suggest you dress very warmly, its quite cold out."

"Why, is something the matter?"

"Oh nothing, just a precaution I'm sure."

He handed me the life vest and I looked at him, seeing the doubt in his face. He left the room before I could ask another question.

What had happened? I had been traveling on ships for years and this had never happened before. My mind started to whirl and I began to realize that it must have had something to do with why the ships engines had ceased only minutes ago. I wanted to go see Harry; he would tell me what was going on.

First I decided to dress, just like the steward had told me to.


	18. Listen to Your Heart

**Oh my god you guys I am SOOOO SORRY! I so totally left you hanging lol. But anyway I guess that's going to be the norm for the week, weekends I can write all I want but between work and school I'm strapped for time M-F ANYWAY thanks for all your praise, I'm really glad you liked the fact that Sarah told Ruth off…I was very proud lol. **

**The whole thing with Sarah's mom will come out in a few chapters. So hold your horses : ) **

**This is for Norma…**

**Wise QUOTE of the Day**

"**Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."**

**Lol you're crazy, but you've been with me since the beginning of this so I had to make you laugh. Lol**

**To everyone else, thanks for your continuing support, I love you all: )**

Chapter 18

Hannah came into my room not long after the steward left and helped me dress. Finding me something to wear seemed to be a chore for her. She kept talking, fast, giving me a mere glimpse into how nervous she must have really felt. I know because I felt it too.

I wished more than anything that I could go to Harry, but if there was something really that serious going on he had duties that came before me, as reluctantly as I wanted to admit it.

Minutes later, Hannah had me so bundled up I don't think any kind of cold could have gotten through. Her attempt to put the life vest on me failed though. I didn't feel like wearing it, I wouldn't have been able to move.

When I was dressed I sent her off to do the same. As soon as the door shut behind her, I grabbed Harry's pocket watch and slipped it into my coat pocket. I then walked out of my room and followed the crowd of people that was heading up towards the first class reception area. When I reached it I looked around for Rose, I spotted her over along with Cal and…Aunt Ruth. I took a deep breath and walked over towards her.

Mr. Andrews quickly passed in front of me and Rose suddenly looked up and walked toward us quickly. She practically ran over and reached out to him just as he was stepping up the stairs. He turned around. His face was no longer kind and handsome, but more apprehensive and worn.

"I saw the iceberg, Mr. Andrews. And I see it in your eyes. Please tell me the truth." she spoke in soft words. Cal walked up behind her as Mr. Andrews looked around the room. The dome on the ceiling made me see him as some sort of heavenly messenger.

"The ship will sink."

My breath caught in my throat. Sink?

"You're certain." Rose managed to say.

"Yes, in an hour or so this will be all be at the bottom of the Atlantic."

"What?" Cal asked, visibly shaken by what he had just heard.

"Please, tell only who you must I don't want to be responsible for a panic. Get to a boat quickly don't wait…you do remember what I told you about the boats?"

"Yes…I understand…" she looked over at me, her eyes full of fear. I couldn't help but look around the room. All of these people, I admit at having not paid attention earlier when we were taking that tour but I had heard what he had said about the lifeboats.

Enough to save only half.

This couldn't be happening; it was all a dream wasn't it?

Oh god please say it was a dream.

Mr. Andrews looked at Rose and me, sympathy on his face. "Ladies, please, don't wait…" he trailed off and looked around the room quickly, then back to us. "…I must go." he quickly turned and went up the stairs.

Rose and I looked at one another.

"This is an outrage….calling my lawyers when we reach New York…full refund…"

I barely heard Cal's blathering. I felt as if I had my ears in seashells and there was nothing but that empty noise surrounding me. The only person I could hear was Rose, and even then they weren't her words, they were her thoughts. She was thinking about Jack. The memory of him being hauled away to God knows where on the ship, stung me and I then realized he had no idea what was going on.

Rose's face showed no emotion. Her face had turned the color of ice. As Cal moved away from us, and went back to Aunt Ruth I took Rose's hand into mine.

"Rose?" I asked in a faint whisper.

She didn't answer me.

"Rose…please, I know you're thinking about him. You know he didn't do it. You need to go to him."

She shook her head. Defeated, it seemed.

There was an announcement for us to start heading out onto the deck and Cal came back over and took Rose somewhat roughly by the arm.

"Come along, darling" he said forcefully. He threw a look back at me and I reluctantly followed the two of them and Aunt Ruth outside onto the port side of the ship… The night air was beyond frigid. You could actually see your breath form a cloud in the air. I noticed that it was the officers who were supervising the lifeboats and I looked around quickly to see if I could find Harry. As far as I could see to my left and right, I couldn't see him. There were a lot of people out on the deck, so even he if he was out here I probably wouldn't be able to.

A flare suddenly shot up into the air and exploded in a flash of brilliant light and it was then I realized I did recognize someone…what was his name? Lightoller…Yes that was it. He was standing near the lifeboat I was instructed to get into.

"At this time, we are asking for only women and children…woman and children only!" he yelled to the crowd.

You could feel the fear emitting from the other women around me. They clutched tightly to their husbands looking at the lifeboat with great apprehension.

If they only knew… I thought

I looked at him as I followed Rose, and Aunt Ruth towards the lifeboat, like I was cattle be driven in a herd. He was looked awfully distracted and but he did look at me as I stood behind Mrs. Brown, who was getting into the boat. He seemed to know exactly what I was going to ask him.

"Starboard side" he replied. I nodded, thanking him with a small smile and started to turn around, when I heard Aunt Ruth's annoying voice come up over the crowd.

"Will the lifeboats be seated according to class…I hope they're not too crowded." she finished with a slight laugh.

"Oh mother SHUT UP!" Rose's voice came back with a vengeance. "Don't you understand, the water is freezing and there aren't enough boats, not enough by half….Half the people on this ship are going to die."

"Not the better half" Cal muttered under his breath. From where I was standing I could see the anger swell up in Rose's eyes. "You know it's a pity I didn't keep that drawing, it'll be worth a lot more by morning."

I had no idea what he was talking about but I watched the little color Rose had left in her face drain. She exploded her anger quietly, just as another flare went up.

"You unimaginable bastard."

"Come on Ruth, get in the boat. These are the first class seats right up here. That's it…" Mrs. Brown helped Aunt Ruth into the boat, who still looked a bit shaken by Rose's words; I couldn't helped but laugh a little on the inside.

Rose was next. Mrs. Brown reached over to help her but suddenly Rose stepped back, shaking her head. I looked hopefully at her…Was she coming to her senses?

"Rose, get in the boat!" Aunt Ruth practically screamed through clenched teeth.

Rose looked at her, then at me and gave me a small smile. I smiled back. She then turned back to her mother. "Good-bye, Mother." and turned walking away. Aunt Ruth screamed for her and Cal took swooping steps towards her and grabbed her, pulling her back roughly. I couldn't hear what he was saying over my Aunt's yells, but I saw them struggle, Rose finally won, spitting a bad of saliva in his face. He let her go and she immediately ran down the deck.

I was going with her.

Mrs. Brown looked at me and shook her head. "Sarah…"

Before she could even finish I was running off in the direction Rose had, passing Cal who was still wiping the wetness off of his face. Behind me I could hear Lightoller.

"Lower away!"

'Rose! Rose get back here!"

Those were the last sounds I heard as I ran after Rose. She needed me right now, as much as I wanted to run into Harry's arms I needed to be with Rose. I just hoped he would understand that.


	19. Falls on Me

**Whew, I really hope this chapter isn't gibberish. It was written at about 3am this morning and proofed this afternoon after a 14hr day…sigh I need a nap : )**

**Hope you all enjoy! I'm glad you guys are so into this story, its so nice to wake up to reviews like yours every morning : )**

**Lol oh yeah I rented Titanic from Blockbuster on the way home yesterday, just so I would have it if I needed it and actually saw Ioan in a new scene, well new to me, I never realized he was with Lightoller when they started all the shooting…I was like whoa, there he is…lol there I go getting all giggly again : )**

…**My blonde moment of the day…**

Chapter 19

"Rose! Rose!" I pushed my way back inside, calling in vain for Rose. There were so many people, she probably couldn't even hear me if I was just standing a few feet away from her. Finally though I spotted her going down the stairs. "Rose!"

She swung around and looked at me. "What...Sarah!"

I ran up to her panting, attempting to catch my breath. "I'm going with you."

"No you're not, go back to the lifeboats."

"No! What was it you said earlier...you jump I jump?"

Her eyes fell and for a moment I detected a hint of a smile on her face, but just as quickly as it had come it vanished, replaced by a more serious expression. "You always were stubborn."

"I had a great teacher." I replied.

She shook her head. "All right, come on!"

As we weaved in and out of corridors Rose explained to me that she was looking for Mr. Andrews. He could tell her where Jack was. We separated at one point somewhere on B Deck to cover more ground.

"Mr. Andrews!" There weren't many people in the hallway, but enough to hamper my navigation through them. "Excuse me...Mr. Andrews!"

"SARAH!" I heard Rose's voice, and turned back around and quickly retraced my steps, coming back the way I had come I saw her at the end of the corridor, I ran quickly towards her, seeing as I approached that she was standing next to Mr. Andrews, who looked up from their conversation as I approached.

"God almighty, you two..."

"Just please tell us where they would take him." Rose pleaded, obviously she had all ready filled him in.

He sighed heavily, looking at me, then at Rose, then at the two of us. His eyes were filled with sadness, he had no choice and he knew it, but he also knew what he could be doing by it, condemning us. The prospect of dying tonight didn't seem real to me. I had no fear, and I couldn't explain why.

"Take the elevator to the very bottom; go left, down the crewman's passage, then make a right."

I nodded, trying to memorize what he had just said; Rose repeated it aloud and thanked him.

"Promise me you'll hurry...Sarah, Rose...promise me!" he was rather stern as he spoke, it was then that I felt the fear, real and sharp, it cut through my bravery like a hot knife through butter. I clutched Rose's hand and the two us ran as fast as our legs would take us to the lifts.

_Meanwhile..._

The crowd didn't bother me, nor was in the fact that I was staring death in the face; it was the people. All of them, every last one, a separate soul looking to me as a potential savior. I couldn't help but look at each and every one of their faces; especially the children. Crying for their fathers mostly as Murdoch and I guided them into lifeboat number 3. The chaos surrounding me was nothing compared to what was going on in my mind.

It had only been hours since I had seen Sarah, but in my mind it felt like days. I had no idea where she was, if she was still on board, on a lifeboat, safe, not safe. I had no idea. And that's what killed me. I wished she hadn't left earlier, then I would have known. I should have fought harder to make her stay.

"Mr. Lowe, get your bearings, we're ready to lower!"

Afraid that the lifeboat would buckle under the weight, No. 3 like 5 and 7, which I loaded not even 15 minutes ago, was being launched with a minimal amount of passengers. There was no telling in these waters how a meager lifeboat would hold up, we couldn't take any chances, and as much as it pained me I watched as No. 3 was lowered down in the darkness with only 32 souls aboard. I had counted. Knowing in my mind at least 30 more could have fit.

I swallowed back hard as I saw the face of a small child look up at me. Her eyes were big green saucers, almost like Sarah's, auburn ringlets curled around her face and she looked at me, showing little emotion, just staring. Then I blinked and she seemed to have disappeared. Murdoch called me down to 1 before I could even think about it. I knew that image was never going to leave me though.

_Meanwhile..._

"Sorry ladies the lifts are closed." the operator replied, coming to a final stop at our level.

Rose looked at me and I sighed heavily, now what were we going to do.

"I'm through with being polite, goddamnit! I may never be polite the rest of my life! Now take me down!" Rose suddenly exclaimed.

She pushed the operator back into the life with one arm and pulled me in with the other, practically slamming me up against the wall. I was shocked but couldn't say I wouldn't have done the same, given I was in her place, I just looked at the operator though, trying to apologize with my eyes. He seemed too frightened by Rose's outburst to notice and quickly got it working while Rose shut the gates to it herself.

We started to drop lower, and lower, moving towards the bottom of the ship. The silence started to sink into me and I could feel my hands begin to shake. What had I gotten myself into? I could have been safe; in a lifeboat...I shook my head as the thoughts in my head began to add more fear to the all ready full dose I had inside of me. We past another deck and were just coming to another when I huge wave of ice cold, stinging water rushed in.

I screamed backing as far up against the wall as I could. The operator was practically climbing the wall, but Rose seemed un phased by it. My legs felt as if they were about to fall off but I looked to her bravery and found it to be enough of a motivation for me. She opened the gates as we came to a stop, thigh deep in the cold ocean water.

The bottom of my dress and coat were soaked through and I could feel it begin to weigh me down, but I pushed myself out of the lift behind Rose.

"I'm going up!" was all the operator said as he closed the gates and pushed it back up to the present safety of the upper decks, the water draining beautifully out of the lift as he rose.

"Looks like we're on our own." I replied.

"That's the way I prefer it…come on this way."

We went all the way stopping in the middle of a corridor. To our left were doors as to the right. I looked at Rose.

"I'll go that way." I said pointing to the right. She nodded and turned to the left.

"Jack! Jaaack!" our voices echoed one another in the hallway as we screamed for him at the top of our lungs. My legs were beginning to go numb, I could barely move and finally stopped and ripped off my coat throwing it into the water, and it began to float away.

_The watch…_

"Damn it!"

I dove back for the coat falling headfirst into the water. I came up struggling against the shock feeling as if icicles were being stabbed into me, holding the pocket of the coat tightly in my fist. I reached in and pulled out the watch. I wrapped the chain of it tightly around my wrist.

I began to move again, knowing that was the only way I was going to keep the blood circulating inside of me.

"JJJack!" my teeth chattered as I called out for him.

"In here!"

I stopped and turned around. "JACK?"

"HERE!"

Awkwardly I made my way towards the room that I heard his voice come from. "Rose!" I yelled as I thrust all my weight into the door. There was Jack, standing up on a chair. He was handcuffed to a large pipe that connected to both the ceiling and wall, making it impossible for him to get out of it.

"Go for a little swim?" The first words out of his mouth. I looked down at my soaked dress and felt my wet hair, heavy on my back and then looked back up at him and gave him a look.

Rose showed up not even seconds later and rushed over to Jack.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry!" she went to him and wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. "I'm so sorry."

"That guy Lovejoy put it in my pocket."

"I know I know." she kissed him again, and I stood back and watched, thinking about Harry. Amazingly it warmed me up a bit.

"You need to help me get out of here…the key its silver…"

Rose nodded and moved towards a key cabinet on the wall, while I began to pull apart a desk and chest of drawers near the door.

"How did you find out I didn't do it?" Jack suddenly asked.

I looked up and saw Rose stop what she was doing; she turned her gaze to Jack.

"I didn't…I just realized I already knew." she then looked over at me and I smiled at her.

We both went back to looking. All I could find were papers, nothing else. When I was finished I looked up at Jack and shook my head.

"Nothing."

Rose did one final comb over of the keys and then looked up. "These are all brass."

"All right, you two need to go get help. Get someone…anyone."

I nodded, "All right. Rose…" I reached for her and she gave Jack one final embrace before I pulled her from the room. The water was getting deeper as we made our way back towards the corridor; we came to a set of stairs and pulled ourselves up by the banisters onto the dry steps. My dress still hung heavily at my feet and I finally stopped and began ripping some of it away. Rose gave me a hand and finally I felt like I could move again.

The corridor was empty. Completely. I looked at Rose, what we were going to do?

"Harry." she replied, answering a question I hadn't even spoken. "He would know what to do right?"

"I don't know."

"Go find him! Please…"

"Rose I don't want to leave you."

"You're not; you're helping just like you wanted to."

Somehow my leaving didn't seem all that helpful but something in her eyes gave me a final push in that direction.

"All right…" I hesitated, before going up to her and wrapping my arms around her. "…just in case." I replied as I pulled away. I ran down the hall and she the other. I came to another set of stairs and forced my way up, my tired and numb legs just now beginning to get some warmth. I kept climbing staircases until I actually recognized where I was. The third class area I had been in only the night before.

I tried to remember exactly which way Harry had taken out to the deck that night. Sadly my memory was plagued with some serious gaps due to the Irish beer I had drank. It took nearly 20 minutes but I finally found my way out there. The cold air was cruel and uncaring to my freezing body. I chattered all the way up to the second class deck. There were about 10 other people who had the same idea, but they were all just standing there. The gate was locked.

I pushed past them and began to shake it furiously, not really knowing why.

There were people walking by who just looked at me, ripped dress and disheveled hair and I knew what they thought. Steerage.

"HEY!" I shook the fence harder.

"It's no use, they won't let us up." spoke a man behind me. I whipped around and looked at him. "Why not?"

"Rich folks seem to be more important than us poor ones, that's why."

I turned back and caught sight of a steward walking by. He glanced my direction and kept walking, then suddenly stopped and turned around.

"Ms. Wilkes?"

He walked towards me. I had no idea who he was, but I was grateful to him none the less. He came over and unlocked the gate for me. The other passengers violently pushed past me and I fell against the open gate. He helped me up.

"Steady, what were you doing down there…look at you, you look a fright. Come on…"

He didn't allow me to even speak a word let alone tell him what was going on. I let him lead me up to the boat deck into a crowd that seemed to be a turbulent as the sea itself. I couldn't even make out what individual people were saying, it all sounded like one big roar.

"Here you are miss…don't go getting lost again all right?" he replied stopping at probably the only empty part of the deck. I thanked him for his kindness and began scanning the deck as soon as he walked away. I was chilled to the bone, but I couldn't let Rose down, I promised to help her and that's what I planned to do.

I knew Harry would be loading lifeboats, that's after all what Mr. Lightoller had told me earlier, where did he say he was? Surely that boat was gone by now but it was very possible he was still on the same side…Starboard, that was just a guess, but it felt right. Realizing I was port side I began to try and move towards the other side, when a strong arm reached out a grabbed me from behind.

It felt like the hand of the devil.

"Well if it isn't darling Ms. Sarah"

I recognized that voice, reluctantly I turned towards him and saw Lovejoy's sneering glare starring back at me. Practically the devil.

I glared at him. "Unhand me you have no right to handle me this way!"

"Oh shut it!" he grabbed the back of my dress and pulled me over towards the other side of the ship. "I'm through dealing with you spoiled rich little brats you hear!"

"I said to let me go you bastard!" he dropped me and shoved me against a wall and pulled his jacket away from his shirt and tucked inside I saw a pistol. He sneered at me.

"Don't tempt me princess I'll blow that pretty little face of yours to shreds you hear?"

I gulped and nodded.

"Good, at least now we have an understanding."

My eyes veered sideways looking for someone, anyone to help me, but they were all too busy. Too preoccupied with the madness that had woken them from their sleep. Sudden gunshots bursting through the air slammed my eyes shut and I began to tremble with fear. There wasn't much time left.

"Where is she?"

I opened my eyes. "I don't know."

"Don't play dumb with me…"

"All right, unhand her, Lovejoy."

Cal had come up next to us and Lovejoy immediately dropped the grip he had on me and stepped away.

"Answer the question." Cal asked, his voice was deep and demanding.

More gunshots. Both of them turned their gazes from me and I made it a point to make a run for it.

"After her you fool!"

I ran and ran and ran. I had no idea where I was running to, but I just kept going. I turned back around breathless keeping up with my fast pace and ran headlong into someone. The suitcase they held in their arms struck through me and I could feel my rib cage buckle from the pain. I fell to the ground; the person didn't even bother to stop.

I lay on the ground for a good minute or so, somehow not being stepped on, when a arm reached down for me and pulled me up, painfully, to my feet.

It was Cal.


	20. Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

**Short chapter but another one is coming _soon_!**

Chapter 20

"Let me go!" I yelled, trying me best to free myself from his strong grip. My strength to do so was countered by the fact that I was beginning to believe I had seriously injured myself. Even something simple, like breathing, was causing me anguish I had never felt before. Yet even so I tried my best to get away.

"Stop struggling! When are you going to learn to do as you're told? You've been doing as you please since the day we've boarded and I'm tired of it!" he seized me by the shoulders forcing me to look right into his eyes. "Now you tell me where she is!"

"I said I didn't know!"

"You're lying!"

The pain had become too much for me and between the frustration, Jack and Rose, and him yelling at me I slumped down and began to cry.

"Oh shut up!" he shook me, forcing me to look at him. "Tell me where she is, this is the simple way. Trust me you'd better take it."

I shook my head, I may have been trapped but there was no way I was going to tell him anything.

"All right then, I'm sure your grandmother will love to hear every thing about the affair you've been carrying on with a certain officer."

I stopped my tears and looked at him with wide eyes.

_Oh my god…_

"Yes, looks like I seemed to have found your weakness. What would dear old Grandma say? I guess I would start with the very public kiss in the 2nd class library, or maybe the carousing down in third class, or shall I just jump to the part when last night, for many hours, you were in his cabin, _alone_.

I averted my gaze from him and he knew that he had me. It would kill my Grandmother to hear that, I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her, she had raised me. I loved Harry and didn't regret anything that had happened, but at the same time I didn't want her to find out about it. She would never let him near me again and that was something I was certain of.

From the corner of my eye I could see that evil smile spread across his face and I felt like throwing up.

"I would forgive you though, because if I have indeed lost Rose, just between you and me, I have every intention of making you my wife. Even now, when you look like complete trash, you are beautiful…and that's what I need."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was a nightmare. Hannah's warnings and even some lost thoughts of my own, came flooding back to me. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't, but I did and my confirmation of his wickedness was confirmed.

His smile towards me was causing more fear in me than the sinking of the ship itself. I glared at him, suddenly more livid and infuriated then I had ever been before in my life. Don't ask me where it came from, but I felt a sudden strength begin to flow through me and then suddenly I felt as if I had left my body and saw myself from the outside. Having an older brother had its advantages, he taught me how to defend myself…I lifted my knee and quickly, expertly thrust it into between Cal's legs, hard as I possibly could.

He fell to the ground in pain, releasing me. It was then that people turned and noticed me. I floated back into my own body and told myself to run. And I did.

Any moment now I knew either Cal, or Lovejoy, who had been mysteriously absent through the whole scene was going to be on my tail. Through the pain that was still pulsating through my body I kept running. It hurt so much, but I had to.

As I began to get farther and farther away I began to feel more at ease and eventually slowed down. I brought my hand up and touched the middle part of my torso where the suitcase had hit me. My ribs began to throb before I even laid a finger on them. Obviously, this wasn't a good thing.

I ignored it though, I needed to find Harry, not just because Rose had wanted me to, but I needed him. I just needed one hug, an embrace, for just simple reassurance. I felt all alone, and I wanted him near me.

A sudden crowd started to form near the edge of the ship and I realized another lifeboat was being loaded. I took a breath, hoping that Harry was over there, and slowly moved towards it. The crowd of people engulfed me and practically pushed me towards the front.

"Sarah!"

I looked towards the direction of the voice that called my name. But all I saw were other people trying to get to the front, pushing one another and screams and yells. Then I saw her, pushing her way through everyone towards me.

"Rose!"

I threw myself into her arms and hugged her tightly. I saw that Jack was right behind her and smiled at him.

"I was so worried." she pulled away from me, and looked me directly in the eyes. "What happened?"

I shook my head, now wasn't the time.

The crowd around us seemed to quiet down or maybe my ears were just getting used to the noise, all I know is that in the midst of all that I could make out a new sound. The roar of water. Looking down side the ship I could now see, for real, what was really happening. Water was now covering the windows of B Deck.

It made me shiver when I saw the lights were still visible, even under the water, giving the water an eerie glow. I looked back up; Rose and Jack were now looking towards the men who were loading the boat. I recognized only one.

Lightoller.

He glanced my way quickly, then turned back, his face full of surprise.

For a moment he just looked at me, then regained his composure and went back to what he was doing.

When the boat was ready, he announced for women and children only to board. Women were pushed past me, reluctantly, by their husbands where a seaman helped them onto the lifeboat. Their tears and cries, struck at my heart.

A man helped pick up his two daughters, who's tear stained faces were fearful as they were set into their mother's arms, who was already in the boat.

"Come on, you're next." Lightoller spoke to me.

I looked back at Rose before he reached for me and carefully picked me up and helped me climb into the boat. As I sat down I could see Jack telling Rose to do the same, she kept shaking her head.

Lightoller looked at me one final time before going to help others.

"He's on fourteen" he simply said.

I smiled at him.

Harry was safe.

Relief washed over me and I said a short prayer, thanking God.

More and more people began to board. A woman holding a screaming toddler in her arms, got into the boat her face smeared with tears, looking back at her husband on the ship, with a heartbroken expression. She caught my eye and I managed to give her a comforting smile before turning back towards Rose's direction. They weren't letting men on, period and her reluctance to leave Jack was understandable, I couldn't help but plead with her with my eyes, though.

Looking past her I could see Cal approach. He looked at me and glared, I glared back. People moved in front of me obstructing my view of the two of them, and the next thing I knew, Rose was being helped onto the lifeboat. She reached for Jack and he reached back their fingers only slightly brushing up against the others. She was pushed down into the seat next to me and that was it.

Lightoller looked back at me, his jaw more stiff than ever before, and began to signal the boat to be lowered. Rose and Jack's gazes never left one another and I watched the two of them stare at one another, their expression full of more emotion than I they seemed to know what to do with. She gripped my hand as a flare exploded from over head.

I looked up at Jack, who was standing on the edge, Cal right beside him. He just looked at her. Tiny tears forced their way out of my eyes. And out of my mouth the whispers began to fly.

"It isn't too late…you know it isn't."

God, this was so hard, but I would never forgive myself if I didn't say anything.

She broke her gaze with him and looked back at me and I nodded. Quickly she got up and pushed her way roughly past people in front of her and jump from the lifeboat to A Deck hanging from the rail. People in the boat are screaming, some in shock, others in horror, some both. Two men quickly helped her climb over the rail and onto the deck and she stopped for a moment, looked back at me and smiled. I smiled back and watched her run away, then I looked up I could see Jack looking horror stricken below him. Cal's angry face became more red and enraged as Jack ran down the deck. He looked at me with dark eyes, before he disappeared from my sight all together as the lifeboat sunk lower and lower, until we hit the water.


	21. May it Be

**Okay I've been having some issues that I want to address before anyone jumps down my throat about historical accuracy. Sarah is on Lifeboat 2, I'm saying this because that's the way it is written in the script (the boat Rose gets on is 2). Anyway in the script it has Lightoller there and for a part of the scene I'm convinced that he's there as well, yet when the boat begins to lower it is Wilde (I think…) that is directing it to be lowered, BUT when I look up Lifeboat 2 on the internet I get something about Murdoch loading it…James Cameron you're confusing me!**

**Anyway I'm just going to say that it was Lightoller because I need consistency. Boxhall is the officer on board, they're the first to be picked up by the Carpathia…I know that much…woo hoo go me! **

**Oh yeah one more thing, I have found next to nothing on the positions of the lifeboats during the sinking. So when I wrote this I just kind of made it seem like Number 2 was in the middle area...if that makes any sense. So just to be warned...**

**I'm really trying my best to go by the movie and I'm aware of how unreliable it is at times, so I'm sorry for that : ) I did add some stuff last chapter with the whole Cal/Lovejoy deal, but I really don't think many of you minded, since Cal is the bad guy in the story anyway : )**

**So anyway enjoy & oh yeah thanks for the reviews!**

Chapter 21

We hit the water with a small splatter, one which you could hardly hear, but from my place on right side of the boat, I could see it.

An officer, who's name I didn't know, nor had I ever seen before, was in charge. He ordered the men in the boat to starting the procedures for getting us free from the davit ropes and they did so quickly, releasing us into the clear, dark night, afloat on even darker water.

I looked up at the ship, thinking of Rose. She was with Jack, which is what she wanted, but my heart ached, for what I had done; encouraging her to do it. Tears had been present in my eyes since I had seen the two of them looking at one another, and they only increased as we rowed farther and farther away from the ship.

I unwound Harry's watch from my wrist and clutched it in my hands. Feeling the cold air swarm around me I held it close to my cheek, as if I was comforting a small child, and cried softly.

We rowed farther and farther out, farther than any of the other boats it seemed. The other women's cries began to turn into soft sobs, and then later we were quiet. Watching as the bow of the ship seemed to sink by the second, lower and lower into the icy water.

It wasn't the sight that was the worst, nothing in my life could have prepared me for the feelings of sadness and gloom I had when I heard those screams and cries from those who were already in the water, trying desperately to save themselves.

I watched just like the others, my teeth chattering, holding tightly onto the one piece of Harry I had with me. I looked around me only once, to the other lifeboats to see if I could spot him, but it was to no avail. Above me the stars were sparkling brightly. I didn't think I had ever seen a sky so clear.

"Do you have a coat?"

I looked up at the voice, it was the officer. I shook my head and he pulled his off and handed it to me.

I looked up at him, for a moment before taking it and wrapping it around myself. The little warmth it gave me was something I was more than grateful for.

There was a girl about my age sitting in front of me. She turned around and looked at me when the officer went back to the front of the boat. She gave me a comforting smile, then handed me her gloves.

"We can share," she whispered.

I smiled at her gratefully and slipped them on.

From the ship I began to hear another sound, one that in my heart I had known had been there the whole time, but it was if I was hearing it for the first time. Music.

Soft music. A haunting band of strings played mournfully, Nearer my God to Thee. It was like something out of a dream.

To the tune of the music the ship began to sink even farther in the water. It was if she was being swallowed whole by the ocean. The screams became louder and I watched horror stricken as the front part of the boat deck completely disappeared. It was then that you could see the aft begin to rise out of the water.

Even if I was far from them, I could still see the people on board race against gravity to the back of Titanic and struggle to hold on as it rose higher and higher. The music then ceased as if it were the beginning of the end. People were holding onto anything they could, yet that didn't seem to be enough. They began to fall, sliding down the deck and into the water. Long pinging noises broke through the screams and moans coming from the ship and we watched as one of the funnels began to fall and then splashed into the water, creating huge waves.

I thought I had seen the worst, but I was far from wrong. As the ship began to tip up, higher and higher, the pressure became too much. Lights that still blazed from the inside of the ship began to flicker and then completely died and with a huge roar, the crack, like the shot of a gun and she, the infamous, unsinkable Titanic, broke in two as she were a simple toothpick.

Women in my boat screamed and covered their eyes as the front part took on water and sank, falling down to the ocean floor, with people still aboard. The back of the ship popped back up and floated freely for a few moments. There was nothing any of us could do, we just sat there and watched as the sea, not sparing any part of Titanic, rushed its water into it and eventually tipping her upwards.

What was left of Titanic rose straight up out of the water, her huge propellers looming in front of my lifeboat. People were falling from it and hitting the water hard, it was then that I turned my gaze. I couldn't watch anymore. Sobs chocked in my throat and I bent forward and let them flow out of me.

All I could hear were the sounds. Those horrible sounds that would stick in my mind forever. The rushing water as the ocean swallowed the last part of the ship and the screams of those who were left over.

I opened my eyes, still clutching the watch and saw that I had popped the face open. I looked at it, stopping my tears for a moment and saw the time.

2:20.

It hadn't even been three hours.


	22. I Will Come to You

**Argh! This one was really hard to write. I did my best (even looked for typos…sorry about that Sara). But thanks to everyone who has been reviewing and hope you like this one. The week is starting up again…ick ick! So I'll do my best to have at least one chapter up (even though I would like more.) But keep the reviews coming, they make me want to write : )**

**Love to all!**

Chapter 22

The boat and everyone in it were silent. It was over, Titanic was gone. Yet even then you could still hear the cries from the water. Screams, pleads, for anyone who could hear to come and help.

It killed me to think that one of them could be Sarah. I had no idea where she was. The last I heard from Lights was that she ran after Rose when he was loading 6. That was right before I left. I shook my head, and struggled to hold back the tears. I couldn't lose her, I just couldn't.

And all those other people…

In the dark clearness of the night I couldn't plainly see anyone's face in my boat. I turned anyway and announced my plan. "We're going back…" I looked out towards the other lifeboats floating around us. I could see three, and a collapsible. I called them over.

Carefully they rowed towards me and we gathered the five boats together, instructing the passengers to hold them in place. I turned on my flashlight and then together the other crew and I helped the passengers in mine step carefully over the sides and into other boats. I made my way from the front to the back. The last passengers were three women, who I could barely see in the dim light.

"Alright then…you're turn."

Each of them held a baby in their arms.

"Mr. Lowe?"

The woman who I had just helped up struggled with the baby who was fast asleep in her arms. It was Mrs. Hansen.

"Sarah, have you seen her?" It was the only thing I could manage to say.

She was covered in warm clothes and could barely stand properly, but she managed to shake her head. "I haven't seen her, I thought…"

I shook my head. A tiny tear began to fall down her cheek but she wiped it away quickly. "She's all right, she has to be…"

I nodded, clenching my jaw tightly, she was right…I hope.

I helped her and another woman, who I assumed to be her nanny, onto 10 and then went back for the last. A shawl was wrapped around her head, I reached for her hand to help her, but she kept her hands hidden. Something was right about this; I ripped the shawl off of her head and saw that it was no woman but a man.

My anger was reaching its boiling point; I couldn't even begin to find the words I needed to tell him off. Furiously I pushed him into the other boat, deciding I would worry about it later.

"All men, man the oars."

I took my place at the front, flashlight in hand and we began to row

It took us a few moments to reach the area. Debris was floating everywhere, chairs, cork; I aimed the light farther and instructed the men to keep rowing. That's when I saw them.

Not clearly at first, they appeared to white blobs quietly bobbing up and down in the cold water, but then I saw their faces. Frozen open, blue, gray, any horrible color that signaled death. The men carefully maneuvered around the bodies, trying their best not to hit any of them. And the farther we went the more we saw.

"Is anyone alive out there…can anyone hear me!" my voice echoed out over the water, but no one answered.

It was getting harder and harder to have any type of decorum. I watched as one person after another pass me. Some didn't even look dead, they looked to be a in a deep sleep, but you knew they were…you just knew.

_Sarah, please, if you're out there hold on, please hold on…_

Tears began to fall down my face, as I stood there and watch as we floated by a mother, her small baby frozen into her embrace.

"We waited too long…"

I wiped the tears away quickly. "Well keep checking them! Keep looking!"

As long as I lived I would never be able to forget that sight. The little thing never had a chance to live…it wasn't fair. Instead of letting myself cry again I pushed the men on, calling out into the night, hoping someone, anyone, would answer.

We rowed and rowed, passing one body after another. I nearly gave up hope when I heard it. Faint, yet persistent, a whistle. I looked back to the men at the oars, just to confirm I wasn't the only one who had heard it.

Every last one of them was facing the direction I had heard it from.

"Come about!"

I shined the light on the area, the whistle became louder, and from where I was I could see a woman, pale, but still alive, with the whistle in her mouth. We moved towards her as quickly as we could. As we got the closer the she got louder and louder and finally we reached her. It took all of us to pull her into the boat and we immediately began to cover her with blankets. I pulled the whistle from her mouth and she immediately went unconscious, just as I realized…

"Rose…"

"Sir?" one of the oarsmen looked at me quizzically.

I fell to my knees and began to shake her. "Wake up!"

She moved limply in my arms. I checked her pulse just to make sure, yes she was still alive.

"Rose! Wake up!"

Finally her eyes fluttered she looked at me, taking a moment to realize who I was.

There were tears falling down my face. "Please, tell me she wasn't with you." I begged. The other men looked at me as if I was mad, but I had to know.

She shook her head. "No…" he voice was barely an audible whisper.

"No…"

I watched as her eyes closed and drifted back off into a world filled with a lot less cold and death, one where she could find warmth and peace. I sat back against the side of the boat, still holding the whistle in my hand.

"No" I repeated to myself. Did that mean Sarah had gotten on a lifeboat? God I hoped so.

She was everything. Just thinking of her smile gave me enough strength to travel the ocean for days, even in this cold. I never loved anyone like that before. I didn't care that she was rich, or too young, or that her family would rather her die than marry someone like me. I didn't give a damn what anyone thought, except her.

I knew I wouldn't be able to go on if her life had been taken.

_Sometime later…_

We picked up 4 more people, only four. We kept looking but after an hour or so it seemed hopeless. I stayed by Rose the whole time, checking every once awhile to make sure she was still with us. It was the closest I could be to Sarah at the moment and I knew that if she was here, she would be doing the same.

Slowly the sun came up on the horizon and began to light up the sky and for the first time we began to see the other lifeboats. There were a few near ours, but some so far off in the distance, it was hard to identify them, but they clearly couldn't be anything else.

I manned the tiller, staying down on the floor of the boat with Rose near me. The light must have woken her, she stirred and her eyes peaked open and she looked up at me. Her strength was minimal but she managed to say my name.

I took her hand into mine.

"You're going to be okay."

She nodded and I encouraged her to get some more rest. Her eyes closed once more, just as on the horizon, I could make out one of the green flares from a lifeboat near the front. It waved back and forth and then just beyond that, just barely, you could make out the shape of a ship.

We were saved.


	23. You and Me

**Argh! What a week! Is it over yet?**

**Anyway I am so exhausted and it took me four days to write this chapter, so if it doesn't make any sense…get over it…lol…just kidding.**

**I'm really sorry it took me so long to update, I am swamped…literally. I even have to work for the next three days…but I get Labor Day off…YAY!**

**Hope you guys enjoy: )**

Chapter 23

"Steady there, miss, I've got you."

"Careful, I think she's hurt...here." The officer, whose name I had not yet learned, rushed over to help me. I was the last one in the lifeboat, everyone else having gotten off and boarded what I knew now to be the Carpathia.

My legs were more unsteady than I thought they would be and I couldn't seem to stand up straight. That and the pain in my side was becoming more and more agonizing. The seaman who was helping me on board took my hands and helped me up the rope latter and the officer stayed behind me, keeping me steady.

Soon I made it safely onto the deck and was greeted by a flurry of the ships crew who started to coddle me as if I was a small child; peeling off the jacket the officer had given me hours ago and wrapping me up in a warm blanket and handing me a cup of tea. The officer from my boat was pulled away before I could even thank him for being so generous. A chambermaid led me inside out of the cold air, keeping her arms around me and guiding me gently to the first class dining room.

The tables were all pushed towards the wall and cots and other chairs had been set up. I noticed immediately, that besides the other passengers that were on my boat, there was only a doctor and few of the Carpathia's crew.

"Where is everyone else?" I asked, turning the chambermaid.

She was a sweet looking young girl, whose face was wearing a sympathetic expression. "Oh miss, you're the first. No others have shown yet….here sit down." she guided me to a cot. She made sure I was settled before leaving the room.

I looked around, even though I had been drifting for hours in the same small boat as all of these woman, it was as if I was seeing them all for the first time. There faces were all pale and tear stained, just as I imagined my own to be. I sipped the tea I had been given and let the hot liquid run down my throat and spread throughout me, unfreezing many parts of my body.

I downed the whole thing rather quickly and was just taking the last few sips when I looked up to see more passengers entering the room. I put my mug down and looked at them, not really sure why. Their faces resembled soldiers, coming back defeated from a battle. I recognized a few faces; Madeline Astor was one. Supported by her maid, she was led to a cot beside me and laid down. She covered the small bump in her stomach with a protective hand.

We all knew she was going to have a baby; it wasn't exactly a secret, no matter how hard she tried to keep it from everyone. None of that seemed to matter anymore. This time yesterday none of us would have thought we would be here and yet here we were. It was amazing how quickly the world around you could change so rapidly in mere minutes.

"Good morning, Miss…"

I looked up from my thoughts and saw the doctor who had been making his rounds through the room.

"Wilkes." I answered for him; my voice seemed strained as I spoke.

He nodded and knelt down to my level and took my wrist up to feel my pulse.

"Are you in any pain?"

"A bit…" I explained about my injury and the pain I had been suffering with for most of the night. He asked permission to feel the area; I let him, and grimaced in pain as the tender area throbbed at his touch.

"Bruised ribs, I'm guessing. Painful, but nothing serious, you're lucky they're not broken. You'll have a nice black and blue mark though. I suggest keeping the corset a bit looser than normal, just for your own comfort."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"What was your name again?" he had taken out a pad of paper and pencil.

"Sarah Wilkes."

He wrote it down and then asked me what class I had been traveling in, I replied "first" in a soft voice, feeling a sudden surge of emotion as I remembered the Titanic; the glamour, romance. The memory of Harry walking me to dinner that first night, strolling with him on the deck, Rose and Jack and the dance down in 3rd class…

Apparently none of this was evident on the outside. The doctor looked at me for only a moment and then patted me on the hand.

"You're very lucky."

I shifted my gaze, realizing in a way he might be right, but at the moment I just didn't feel like I was. I was too busy trying to suppress all of those thoughts and tears that were bursting to come out. I did find the words to thank him and managed to wait until he walked onto to Madeline Astor before I burst into tears.

I wanted Harry that was it. I knew he was on a boat, but I began to imagine all of these things, the boat capsizing, maybe pulled down with the suction of the ship. Anything was possible.

Then I began to feel guilt.

Rose.

If it weren't for me, she would have been in my boat, safe and sound. But I had to open my big mouth and tell her to go back.

My mind was whirling with thoughts of all different kinds. About Harry, Rose, Polly, even Hannah. I wondered about each and every one of them, hoping, praying that they were all right. If Harry was here right now I knew he would put my mind at ease, but he wasn't, and as many times as I tried to remind myself that Mr. Lightoller had said. "He's on 14" I still didn't feel any comfort.

I began to cry harder and covered my face with my hands. Feeling lost, and all alone. Suddenly, and I'm still not sure why, I looked up. Staring at me from across the room that had become crowded was a little girl; not very old maybe 3 or 4. She had a familiar face, and pretty curls. I felt an extraordinary calm come over me as I looked at her. But before I could even take a second glance a group of women walked in and obstructed my view. When they finally did move, she was gone.

I didn't feel like crying anymore. It's not that I was happy or content; I just didn't feel like crying.

Next to me Madeline Astor was crying softly, her maid's arms wrapped tightly around her. I looked down to her middle and then began to feel…peculiar.

_Hours later…_

"Sarah…oh god is that you?"

I was finishing a cup of soup when I heard that voice. That sweet familiar voice.

"Polly?"

I saw her, coming towards me holding Eleanor tightly in her arms. I got up from my cot and greeted her with open arms.

"You're all right…oh thank god." she sobbed into my shoulder. Poor Eleanor was jammed in between us and began to wail loudly. We parted, both of us with tears in our eyes. I sat her down next to me and saw that the children's nanny, Estelle, was holding Robert who was fast asleep.

Polly was crying freely and held Eleanor tightly to her chest. Eleanor's cries had become small whimpers. I put my arm around her and held her close to me, just like she was doing to her daughter.

"Now I have to find Charles…" she said in between sobs.

I looked over at Estelle, who shook her head sympathetically. It seemed, that like many women here, Polly had left her husband on the Titanic. I held her and let her cry. I couldn't think of anything else to do.

"Shhh" I replied and smoothed her hair gently.

Eventually she had no tears left. She was left exhausted with very little energy. I laid her down on the cot and got up to get her some soup, when I came back I saw that she was fast asleep. Estelle advised me to let her be and I thought that to be best. Eleanor was nestled in her mother's arms and I knew Polly somehow felt she was holding a part of Charles with her.

I sat with her for at least an hour, eventually taking Robert from Estelle so she could get something to eat and drink and rest. However, soon after she left he began to get fussy and I knew he was probably hungry. As much as it hurt, I got up and held him in my arms and walked around the crowded room, bouncing him lightly in my arms.

"Oh Robert…please…"

He began to cry harder, his face going beat red. It was a horrible noise. I looked around me, feeling completely helpless. On a whim I headed over to one of the soup tables.

Iasked if it would be all rightto givesoup to a baby anda steward asked me how old Robert was. I told him what a thought; about a year. He told me it was all right for me to give him the soup and gave me a small cup of it. I brought him back to my cot where Polly was still asleep and sat with him on the floor and carefully held the cup up to his tiny lips. He began to slurp at it happily. I sighed with relief.

By the time he was finished, Estelle had returned and thanked me for helping. I handed Robert to her and left her alone with Polly and the children. I needed to get out of this room. It had become way too crowded.

Making my way out on the deck, with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders, I didn't find it to be any better. The one empty area I could find was near the aft of the ship. I wrapped my blanket tightly around me and looked out over the water. It had become rough and there were actually white tops on the waves.

I stared at the ocean, thinking about a cluster of different things, mostly about Polly and Charles. She knew he was gone and all she had were her children. I felt a warm tear run down my cheek and I brushed it away, pushing off my face and into the ocean below me.

"Admit it, you come looking for me don't you?"

I must have been more tired than I thought. I was starting to hear things. Those were the words Harry had said to me when I had met him on the boat deck only a few days before. I turned away from the water, knowing I had better get some sleep before I started to see four headed purple flamingos…or something like that.

Then there he was.

His face was worn and tired, pale and cold, but it was him.

I froze.

_God, don't let me be imagining this…please let him be real._

I closed my eyes and then opened them again. He was still there, my Harry.

Bruised ribs or not I flung myself into his arms and began to sob into his shoulder. He held me tighter than he ever had before, I could feel his warm tears on my own shoulder, but all that mattered to me was that he was here and real.

I pulled away, holding his face in my hands. "Oh god…" my tears interrupted my words, nothing was coming out except for them.

"I know." he said and I realized he did. We embraced one another again and stood there in the cold and a wind, just holding one another tightly. I was one of the lucky ones and I wasn't about to take it for granted.


	24. A Promise to Keep

I waited until each and every passenger was safely on board the Carpathia before I lowered the mast and shut it away into the vessel. After cleaning up everything else and satisfied 14 was secure, I allowed myself to go up the rope latter and onto the deck.

I gave my name to the officer who was waiting at the top with a clipboard and pencil.

"The captain will want to see you." he replied as he wrote it down.

I nodded. That was more than understandable, but first things first. I was going to fetch Rose and together we were going to find Sarah.

Through the hundreds of people milling around on the decks, frantically looking for their loved ones, I found Rose. She was being helped over to makeshift bench towards the railing. I pushed my way through the rest of the crowd and made my way to her.

She was merely a ghostly shadow of the girl I had met only days before. Her once fair and porcelain skin was now an horrid gray, and her vibrant red hair had now turned a lackluster and dull color, but she was alive, which was more than a lot of others could say.

"Rose."

She turned and looked at me. She had the saddest eyes I had unfortunately seen once before, many years ago...I shook the thought out of my head and sat down next to her. I took my hat off and held it in my hands, trying my best to make her feel comfortable and for her to know that I wasn't just doing this because I felt obligated.

"Can I get you anything?"

She shook her head and her eyes shifted off into space. There were hundreds of people around us, but she wasn't looking at any of them.

"When we found you I didn't see..."

"Jack...no you wouldn't have. He's gone."

I swallowed back hard. The harshness of what had happened coming back to me quickly.

"He tried to make me leave, but I just couldn't do it..." she started, though it sounded as if she

was recounting a story told to her; her were words without emotion? "...Sarah told me it wasn't too late...and I jumped."

She stopped and looked over at me and gave me a small smile. "It may not seem like very much, but those last few moments I had with him, made me realize how much I did love him."

My chin was quivering with grief, but I pushed it away, trying my best to keep up a good front and be strong.

"I can never go back now." she replied turning away again.

"What do you mean?"

"I made a promise to him. I'm going to live and I won't be allowed to do that if I marry Cal or go back to my mother. I'm dead to them."

"Dead? You're not making any sense..."

"Yes I am. Even the darkest cloud had a silver lining, and this is mine. You can't tell anyone that you found me…even Sarah."

Had she completely lost her mind? For once in my life I was at a loss for words. She was absolutely mad, there was no way she could expect me to do this for her, or for her to expect that she might even get away with it. I opened my mouth to tell her so, but she cut me off.

"Look, Mr. Lowe, I'm not a stupid person and from what little I know of you, I know you aren't either, but you have to understand this is for the best. My life as the person they knew is over with. I need to start over, you only get one chance at living and if I don't do this now I will never forgive myself. You have to understand that."

She looked at me intently, but I refused to speak to her. This was idiotic.

"You don't understand what it's like, there's only one other person that does and I know that she's in good hands. You'll save her from all of that. I don't have anyone to do that for me, I have to save myself."

I shook my head, not believing what I was hearing.

"You do love her, don't you?"

I nodded.

She smiled softly and put her hand on top of mind. "And she loves you…"

"…she loves you too. And yet you are refusing to tell her that you're alive! You want to break her heart, that's the way to do it!"

"If I did and someone found out, Sarah would be the first person they took it out on…"

"That doesn't make any sense…"

"Her emotions would give her away. Both my mother and Cal know that she followed me and helped me and Jack…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked irritated.

She just sighed heavily and recounted a story to me about some diamond in her boyfriends pocket and how he was framed by her fiancée and then about how Sarah and her had gone down to the lower decks, which were flooded, to save him.

My heart pounded furiously when I realized how much danger Sarah had been in. She had risked her life, just for Rose's happiness and here was Rose, throwing it back in her face. I wasn't going to be a part of that and flatly refused to keep my finding her a secret.

I got up and started to walk away and she grabbed me.

"Please! Never in my life have I had to make a harder decision, but trust me…" her blue eyes held more emotion than I could comprehend. She was putting her heart on the table here; the least I could was hear her out. I sat back down.

"I can't lie to her. I can't sit there and watch her suffer and know that I could make it go away. I'm going to marry her and you're asking me to keep that from her for the rest of my life."

"I'm not asking, I'm begging you. You have never met these people. I tried to be optimistic and tell Sarah that none of this would happen to her, but if she does know and someone finds out any hope of you two being together will all come crashing down. One out of the norm moment will go over and pass with our Grandmother, but if it comes out that I am alive and she knew all this time, she won't let her be with you, even if you are already married."

"I won't let that happen."

"You say that, but you have no idea what you are getting yourself into. This world isn't anything like the one you live in. It's expensive and opulent and totally built on a foundation of good images. When and if you and Sarah marry, people will see it as beautiful love story; coming from the ashes of a tragedy, you two finding one another and falling in love…but if they find out I'm alive and she knew the whole time, they would see her as a menace and turn their back on both of you. That's why, as much as I love Sarah, and want her in my life, I'm not going to ruin hers in the process…do you understand?"

As much as I didn't want to, I did. I shook my head not believing what I was about to do.

"Alright, I'll keep your secret."

"You will."

I nodded. "Just take care of yourself…I know Sarah would want that."

She agreed.

"You should go and find her; she's probably worried sick about you."

I nodded my head and got up. I put my hat back on and looked down at Rose. "I'm sorry." I didn't want to say his name, but she knew what I was talking about.

She gave me a nod of gratitude. "There's nothing to be sorry for. He'll always be with me." Her words were strong, but I could see the sorrow in her eyes.

I bid her goodbye and started off, when I heard her call me once more. I turned around.

"Hug her for me."

I smiled. "For the rest of my life."

_Later…_

It had been at least an hour and I still couldn't find her. In the dining room, I found Mrs. Hansen, tearfully she told me that Sarah had been there, but left sometime while she was sleeping. She was clutching both of her children tightly to her and I looked at her compassionately.

Within an hour after I had arrived, Lights had shown up on the last lifeboat. Word of that had spread quickly and with no word from other ships, we now knew that those of us on the Carpathia were the only survivors.

I left Mrs. Hansen, somewhat reluctantly, as she wept for her dead husband and made my way back outside and towards the aft of the ship. It was the only place I hadn't looked and found myself becoming discouraged when I realized how empty it was, but then coming upon the back railing I could see her.

Leaning over the railing, she looked into the sea with a certain and unnerving sadness in her face. Her hair was down, and knotted in tangles, but I thought it was beautiful. The torn dress she wore and blanket draped over her shoulders, were more gorgeous than the dress I had last seen her in.

I wanted to speak to her, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. I watched as she shed some tears and brushed them away with a gentle touch. Then I saw my pocket watch, tightly wound around her wrist.

Of anything she could have taken with her from the ship, that was the one thing she had thought of.

"Admit it, you come looking for me don't you?" The words I had spoken to her days ago came out of my mouth without any thought and I watched as she slowly turned around and looked at me.

Her eyes grew wide with surprise and after a quick blink she opened them again. On her face a beautiful bright grin formed, one that could have melted any iceberg in the ocean and ran into my arms.

She sobbed into my shoulder and I couldn't help but cry as well.

I held her so tight; I didn't want to lose her again. Not a god damn thing was going to pull her away from me again. I had her in my arms and that was the way it was going to stay.


	25. Candle in the Wind

**Whew, what a week! Anyway, I am so sorry I didn't warn you guys about the last chapter. Yes, it was the same as 23 but it was all from Harry's POV. There was no way I could have written that from Sarah's. But I really like writing from Harry's. It's fun, but I'm not too comfortable with it yet, I don't think I really capture his character when I do it. **

**Thanks so much for your reviews though, I loved them! Esp.Sancti; your review honestly gave me an extra boost when writing : )**

**ANYWAYZ...anyway here is 25. I do not plan on ending the story anytime soon, so don't worry. (I'll probably make it to at least 100 chapters…lol.) I've got some REALLY good ideas…well I think they're good anyway : )**

**So back to Sarah's POV….oh yeah and just to warn you this story was written little bits at a time throughout the week, I did my best to edit so have mercy if it doesn't flow together...I always get worried about that type of thing.**

Chapter 25

"I was so worried…" I tried say through my tears but it was no use. As hard as I tried I could barely even get a few simple words out, let alone a sentence.

Harry shushed me and sat me down on a bench, his arms never leaving me, not even for a second. He brushed the tears away and kissed me softly, trying to save my cheeks from the bitter wind that was attacking my damp face.

"I was worried too. I didn't know weather or not you had even gotten on a boat, but we're here now, safe and together."

I nodded and he leaned in and brushed a soft kiss across my lips. As soon as we parted I began to cry once more and collapsed into him. He held me so close; keeping me warm and protecting me from all that was surrounding us.

"Polly lost Charles…" I sobbed. "…I was so afraid that I lost you too. I kept thinking the worst…" I managed to pull myself up and wipe the tears away. "…I didn't know what I would do if I had lost you."

"But you didn't, I'm still here and…" he lifted my wrist up and indicated the watch that was still wrapped tightly around it, "…you and I are getting married, remember?"

I nodded and managed to smile.

He smiled back. "There's nothing to be worried about anymore."

I shook my head, the smile fading from my face. "Rose. I still haven't heard anything about her."

He shifted in his seat and looked at me with an expression that I couldn't really make out, then it quickly faded and he grasped my hand tightly. "I'm sure we'll know soon."

Yet as he said that he confirmed my worst fear. Obviously he knew that Rose was…God, I couldn't even think it. "You know something, don't you?"

He didn't answer and actually averted his gaze from me. I pushed his chin back towards me and his dark eyes, that I had found such warmth and comfort in, now gave me a chill.

"Harry, tell me." I replied, taking a deep breath, braving myself for the worst.

"I saw her…" he gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing up and then back down. "…in the water. She was…"

"No…" I shook my head. "No, you saw someone else…"

"I'm so sorry." he replied, actual tears falling down his face.

I got up, the rest of my body was now shaking just a furiously as my head was. "You're wrong, she can't be…" I stood over him and then began to back away, wanting to flee from the truth. He got up.

"Sarah…"

"NO! She's not! She can't be!" I suddenly screamed.

"She's gone."

He was too calm and I, too erratic. I wanted to scream, yell, do whatever I could just to make my anger known, but there was nothing I could do. I could feel it begin to seep into my heart, creating a hollow feeling that was probably going to be there until I died.

"WHY? WHY WOULD GOD DO THIS? SHE DID NOTHING TO HIM! NOTHING!"

Harry reached for me but I pulled away. "It's my fault! She was safe! She was in a lifeboat with me and I told her to jump out, it was me! I TOLD HER TO DO IT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Harry grabbed me by the shoulders and towered in front of me. "LISTEN TO ME! It's not your fault, don't you DARE blame yourself for it…" my gaze drifted away and he shook it back furiously. "DO YOU HEAR ME, SARAH?"

There was something in his voice that brought me back down from the cloud of anger I had been on. I suddenly felt about as small as a speck of dust. Silent tears were falling down my face and I looked at him.

His brown eyes were as grief stricken as my own but they offered a certain understand and comfort that I wasn't going to find anywhere else.

"I just don't understand…"

He released his grip and then wrapped his arms around me. "Me either."

"Why, did any of this happen?" I asked, clinging to him tightly.

He didn't answer me. He didn't have to, he knew the answer as well as I did; know one would ever know. It was just one of those things that no one would ever understand.

_Later…_

The Carpathia pulled up anchor around 9 that morning. However before that there were two services held, one for those of us that were saved, and one for those who hadn't been. Harry was at my side the whole time, he never left and for that I was grateful.

When we finally went back inside, there were ships crew all around assigning rooms to some for all of us to sleep in, as if any of us could sleep anyway. I was given a room in second class, along with three other women. Harry was of course given a room with one of the ship's officers.

He walked me to mine encouraging me to get some sleep.

"I don't want to leave you."

He brought my hands up to his lips and kissed them softly, "I'm not leaving, I'm going to be right on board the whole time."

"What if…it…happens again?"

"_It_ won't. I promise."

I tried to be as a positive as he was, but even after he had left and I was in the room heading towards the nearest bed, I had my doubts.

Carpathia's passengers were all very kind and many had donated clothing for all of us who had come from Titanic. I found a simple blue dress, some under things, a jacket and boots laid out on the bed for me. None of them were my size but I was thankful none the less.

I moved them aside and slipped my own shoes off and lay down on the bed. My exhaustion was stronger than I thought and I was asleep in no time.

The minutes I slept, quickly turned into hours and it wasn't long after that that the nightmares began to intrude into my dreams. The sounds alone from the night before were enough to make me imagine the worst and soon images of people with faces frozen in terror scared me out of my sleep.

My heart was pounding and there was a thick layer of sweat covering my entire body. The room was dark and I could hear the sound breathing of my roommates around me. In the dark I found the donated clothes and changed into them and then slipped out the door and into the dimly lit hallway.

I somehow found myself back out on the deck and was greeted with a roar of cold wind as I opened the door. I walked out under the night sky and hugged myself against the cold. I found a deck chair and sat down on it.

My tired eyes produced a blurred image of the stars above me, but I actually felt at peace as I did so. That was until I heard that voice, that horrible, evil voice.

He spoke to me and felt sick to my stomach as I looked up and saw Cal standing there beside me.

"Oh God…"

"You don't look happy to see me."

"Should I?"

He sneered. "Well I'm happy to see you, the least you could do is reciprocate the feeling."

I didn't answer him, just scowled and pulled my jacket tighter around me. I didn't have the energy for this. He seemed to know that, too. Using the situation to his advantage; knowing that I was an emotional and physical wreck.

"Rose is gone, you know?"

I kept my stature straight and frozen, hoping that he would just give up and go away. Unfortunately he didn't.

A cocky smile was now plastered across his face and he sat down next to me, forcing me to move as far over on the chair as possible, without falling off the other end.

"I told you what would happen if I lost her didn't I?"

Again, I didn't answer. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach just by being in his presence.

"You remember I know you do…" he leaned closer to me and I sat there like an idiot, as if I were frozen to the seat under me. "…You were going to be mine and I always…ALWAYS get what I want. That whore you call a cousin, learned that the hard way, but you will be mine." his lips were nearly touching my neck and I could feel his hot breath against my skin.

I found myself, thankfully, and leapt out of the seat before anything else could happen. "Leave me alone." I replied, my voice shaking.

"You're not scared are you." he got up and came towards me. Suddenly he seized me by the shoulders and pulled me towards him. "I would have thought you'd be used to a man's touch by now, seeing as how you have been stealing moments with one whenever you could for the past few days."

I was scared. My whole body was shaking with fear and my added drowsiness didn't help matters. I had no strength to fight him back. I had to stand here and listen to whatever he had to say, and his words were harsher than any slap across the face.

"Please…just leave me alone." I pleaded.

"Come on, Sarah; just think of what we could have together. You're a very wealthy woman and together we could have the whole world if we wanted it. If you stay with that officer you wouldn't be able to afford those diamond earrings in your ears right now."

At those words, my hand went up to my ear and I felt the dangling diamond in it. I couldn't believe I was still wearing them. There were the same ones I had worn to dinner the night before, the same ones I had worn when I had gone to see Harry. And they had survived everything; the trip through the freezing cold water to rescue Jack, the lifeboat…I couldn't believe it.

"…I could give you everything, and think all you have to give me in return is your hand in marriage."

The thought of Harry had given me a newfound gall and energy. And I stood up and fired back, "You're sick, you know that?" I then turned and started to walk away but he grabbed me harshly by the arm and pulled me back to him.

"You WILL be mine, do you hear?"

"I'd be careful if I was you Cal, don't you remember what happened the last time you handled me this way?" I sneered, much the same way it had been only moments before.

He dropped me quickly, the obvious memory of pain coming into his mind.

"Let me clear something up for you, here and now, so that you will never have to do this again. I WILL NEVER marry you! I don't love you, I don't even like you. I love another and he is the one I will marry, you're right he doesn't have money like you do, but I consider that to be more of a blessing than a curse. He will marry me because he loves me, not because I have money. I love and trust him and there's nothing you can do that will ever change that!"

"We'll see about that." he muttered, but I ignored him and began to turn and walk away again, but then I turned around and said one last thing.

"For the record; Rose may have learned a lesson by dying, but it wasn't what you think it was…she learned that money makes men evil and that the only way to be truly wealthy is to love and that's something you could have never given her!"

Then I left. Leaving him broken and defeated in the cold, dark night. At least that's the way I imagined him to be…


	26. I'll Stand by You

**Hahaha yes Cal is just a tad bit evil, but we all love him : ) Thanks for the reviews and hope you guys enjoy these next two chapters. Yes TWO oh I was so proud of myself, it took me all day long, but I did it...I just love rainy days, they're excellent for writing.**

**Oh yes and some historical notes...ONE I mention an incident that happened on the Carpathia with the Duff Gordons...according to some sources this happened, so I base my telling of it on that, even though its not the exact way that it happened.**

**TWO in the next chapter the Carpathia is arriving in New York. I really don't know what it was like the night they arrived, whether it was inside, or out, or what. So I just wrote it as outside and rainy just like in the movie. If you find any evidence to challenge that I am very sorry for my error :)**

**But enjoy and keep reviewing! It makes me write more...seriously :)**

**Love to all and a special prayer for the anniv. of 9-11.**

Chapter 26

I made the decision not to tell Harry about anything that had happened between Cal and I; both on the Titanic and the Carpathia. I didn't want to anger him. He seemed be upset enough with the idiocy of the others on board, who seemed to have no feeling about what had happened.

Lord and Lady Duff Gordon, in particular, made his anger reach a boiling point when they gathered a group of first class passengers for a photo, all of them wearing life vests. He asked him what they were doing, and they replied that they wanted a souvenir from the Titanic.

His response was. "If you want a souvenir, you can have the bullet you almost had on Titanic!"

"Harry!" I pulled him away from their stunned faces. "What's wrong with you? You don't talk to people like that."

"They should have more respect for the dead!"

I had to agree with him, but even if I did scold him about the way he handled it, I had to admit there wasn't any other way to do it. I knew those people and it took extremes such as that for them to learn any type of lesson.

I spent all of my time with Harry, Polly and her children. Polly's grief was taking its toll on her and on more than one occasion she would just collapse from it and had to be taken back to her room. I wasn't sure where Estelle had gone, but it left the children with Harry and me. I didn't really mind, being with them and hearing their little giggles and seeing their faces light up at the smallest things warmed my heart.

The farther we traveled away from the where it all had happened the more and more I began to learn. Hannah was no where to be found on any of the lists of survivors, neither were Jimmy, or Mr. Andrews. And even though I had known for a fact already that she was gone; I couldn't find Rose's name either.

Her death left a mixture of sadness and guilt in me. I felt responsible for her death, even though a voice kept telling me there was nothing I could have done, and she was were she wanted to be…with Jack.

My guilt increased when I saw Aunt Ruth in the late afternoon of the 18th. We had been on board for three days and this was the first I had seen of her. She was in the dining room on a sofa with Mrs. Brown sitting next to her. As I saw her there, crying softly, looking as frail as a 100 year old woman, I felt my heart going out to her. It didn't matter what had happened between us before, what mattered was that we had both lost someone we loved, and we were family. We should be together at a time like this.

"Aunt Ruth?" I asked, approaching slowly.

Mrs. Brown looked up and smiled at me, while Aunt Ruth continued to sob on her shoulder.

"You've heard about Rose?" Mrs. Brown asked, patting Aunt Ruth's back in a soothing manner.

I nodded. "How is she?" I asked, indicating Aunt Ruth.

Mrs. Brown shook her head. "Not very good, I'm afraid. She hasn't spoken to anyone in days."

I sat down on the other side of her and tried to get her attention. It was no use. All she did was sit there idly while tears rolled down her face. Mrs. Brown told me I might as well just leave and try again some other time when she was feeling better. I agreed, said good-bye to her and went out to find Harry.

I found him standing out on the deck near the railing, he was talking to another man and I approached them, it was then that I saw that it was the officer from my lifeboat. Harry looked at me and smiled.

"Oh Sarah, there you are…this is Joseph Boxhall." Harry said noticing me.

"We've met." Mr. Boxhall replied and shook my hand. "It's nice to see you again, Sarah."

"And you." I said. When he released my hand I looked at a skeptical Harry and nearly smiled. "He was on my lifeboat." I told him.

"Yes, I didn't realize you were a friend of Lowe's." Mr. Boxhall said.

I almost said, No, I'm his fiancée, but I looked at Harry and suddenly didn't want to. It didn't seem like the right time. Instead I smiled and nodded.

"Yes, I am."

He smiled and nodded and the two of them spoke for a few minutes more before Mr. Boxhall excused himself. Harry and I both said good-bye to him and watched him walk away. Harry then turned to me.

"We're getting to New York tonight."

"Really?"

He nodded. "They'll be transferring me to another ship that will take me back to England."

I felt like I had fallen into that icy water all over again. My heart just stopped, and I couldn't breathe.

"England?" I managed to say.

"England. I'm sure White Star Line will want to speak to all of the crew that survived, especially the officers; Lights, Boxhall, Pittman…myself." he sounded faraway as he spoke, or maybe that was the way I was hearing it.

My eyes fell.

"I want you to come with me."

I looked up. "What?"

"I want you to come back to England with me. We'll get married in my family's church if you want, or anywhere for that matter. I don't really care; I just don't want to leave you behind."

Run away and get married. It sounded like something out of a novel. I looked at Harry's handsome face, his brown eyes showed so much love for me and in the past week I had found myself feeling more for him then I had for anyone before in my life. I did want to marry him, I wanted to be his wife, but there was still the whole inheritance issue to consider and what my family was going to say.

Yet, I wanted to say yes. God, I was practically bursting at the seams as I tried to hold myself back, but the thought of my Grandmother, Grandfather, and my brother was what finally stopped the need to do that. I couldn't marry without them there.

"Harry, I can't…"

"How did I know you were going to say that?"

I shook my head. "I told you my life was complicated."

"Yes, but I thought you had let go all of that when you said you were going to stay with me. Or did you not mean any of it?"

"I did say that, but things have changed."

"Of course they've changed! Hell, we should be in New York right now, I should have already met your family, gotten you a ring…"

"A ring?"

"Well, what the hell did you think I was going to do, make you wear that watch forever?"

I shrugged. "I hadn't really thought about it."

His frustration broke and he suddenly smiled at me. "It was going to be a huge obnoxious stone and I was going to present it to you in a sea of purple flamingos."

I laughed, a truly warm laugh. I hadn't laughed in days and it felt good. He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly next to him.

"You want to hear something strange?"

"What's that?" I asked, not leaving his embrace.

"I thought for sure when I was loading one of the lifeboats that you weren't safe. I had no idea where you were…it was the only time during all of that that I was actually scared. Then I saw this little girl…"

I pulled away from him and looked him the eye. "A little girl?"

"Yeah. She was in the lifeboat I had just lowered, and she caught my eye." he looked far away as he remembered. "Green eyes…nearly like yours, her hair was…"

"Curly." I finished for him.

He nodded. "How did you know?"

"I saw her, in the dining room, after one of the lifeboats had gotten here." I didn't want to tell him that she had suddenly appeared after I had been fearing the worst about him. It seemed a little strange to me.

"Oh, well it was just odd how seeing her made me feel more confident about your safety. Strange how that happens?"

"Yes…" Very strange. I thought for a quick second, thinking of that little girl again and then looked back at Harry. "What's this church like your family goes to?"

He smiled, knowing exactly what I meant by that. "Near the water, tall steeple, a bell…"

"A bell? It sounds like something I'll have to see for myself." I replied with a grin.

"Alright, I have an idea…I'll go back to England and take care of whatever needs to be taken care of there. You come in July or August, tell your family you're returning to school early and come visit me in Wales, just visit that's all, and then after you finish school in the spring, we'll get married. That will give you plenty of time to tell your family about me."

I nodded, agreeing with all of it. "You are sure you want to wait that long?"

He leaned over and kissed me. "I'd wait forever if I had to…I just hope you don't make Me." he replied in a low voice.

I shook my head and kissed him back. "Never." I whispered.


	27. Every Breath You Take

**Not be proofed yet! I will try and do it later : )**

Chapter 27

I wasn't sure what time it was, but it was well after the sun had set that I finally saw the bright lights of New York City ahead of us. The statue of liberty was illuminated brightly in all her glory as we passed her and into the harbor. It was strange that I had passed this way so many times before, but this was the first time I actually appreciated its sight.

I clung tightly to Harry's hand as the rain that had been falling for sometime now, now began to fall harder and with more persistence.

Yet, even through the rain hundreds of us stood on the deck, watching as the Carpathia slowly moved through the water and over towards the pier. There were smaller boats around us and people who I believed to be insensitive reporters were yelling questions through megaphones.

No one answered their inquiries, but I could tell Harry wanted to yell back at them. I squeezed his hand and when he looked my way I shook my head.

It was obvious that the whole world now knew what had happened. Titanic was called unsinkable, and that fact that she had sunk was going to make headlines for many weeks, I imagined.

I went back to my room as we finally pulled in and began to dock at the pier. Harry went with me and followed me inside, as my roommates were obviously waiting to leave the ship as fast as they could. I gathered my clothes and wrapped them up in a tight bundle and turned to Harry.

"This is it." he said.

"Yes…" I went into his arms and held him so tightly. "I love you."

"I love you." he pulled away and kissed me, pressing his hands against the back of my head, his fingers intertwined through my hair. His forehead was against mine and for a brief moment it felt like we were back in the second class library on Titanic. Tears started to fall down my face, as I remembered that I would never be able to go back to that place again. He brushed them away with the tips of his fingers.

"I'll kiss you all the way to England, and then when I get there, I'm giving all of my other girlfriends the boot." he said with a grin.

I laughed at his comment and that smiled I loved so much. "You'd better be serious."

"I am." he replied before kissing me again. It was one of the most romantic, if not _the _most romantic kiss he had ever given me. I had no doubt that his whole heart was in it.

I felt guilty that I was enjoying this, but at the same time I didn't want to stop it. I was so torn, it felt so wonderful to feel alive again, yet I knew I should be thinking of the others who weren't as fortunate as I was.

In the end though it wasn't me that stopped us, it was the ship. You could hear her engines shudder as we came to a final stop. Harry and I parted, a bit breathlessly, from one another.

"I'll walk you up." he said after a moment.

I nodded and let him take my hand. We left the room and made our way up onto the deck.

They took off Titanic's lifeboats first, then began to let passengers go. I could hear a crowd at the end of the gangway and knew my family was down there waiting for me. My name had been on the list of survivors so I knew they would be there; George and my Grandmother.

I was quiet the whole time I waited for my turn to leave. Harry stood beside me and when I finally came upon the edge of the ship I looked back at him and quickly reached into my coat and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to him.

"My Grandmother's address, and my Grandfather's just in case…" I replied as he took it.

He nodded and put it into his pocket and we kissed tenderly.

"I love you so much."

"I'll see you soon."

I nodded and we kissed one final time before I reluctantly pulled away from him and walked down towards America. I kept my gaze turned until he disappeared altogether from my sight. Then with tears running down my face I turned towards the crowd and began to look for my family.

"Sarah! Sarah over here!"

I could hear his voice, but seeing my brothers face proved to be a far greater task. I looked all around me, in a crowd of at least a thousand, I felt like I was swimming a sea of unknown faces. Then I saw him, standing over near a light post. My handsome brother, with his light brown hair and our matching green eyes. He was waving his hands frantically at me.

"George!"

I pushed my way through the crowd and over to him, when I finally reached him, he swooped me up off the ground and hugged me tightly.

"You're alright! Thank God!" he said setting me down. Holding me at arms length he looked me over. "You're a wreck, but you're alive, that's all I care about." he then hugged me again. "I was so worried about you." he replied finally releasing me. "It's all over the news. I shouldn't have to pick up the morning paper and read that my sister could be some icicle out in the North Atlantic. Then I got the wire, and you're alright."

"You heard about Rose?"

He nodded. "Grandmother is in the car with Aunt Ruth. She looks devastated. I love Rose, but I keep thinking it could have been you. It wasn't just one kind of people, it was everyone."

"I know George I was there." my voice was solemn.

"Right." his eyes were sad and he put his arm around me. "Come on, let's go home."

As he led me away from the crowd and to the crowd waiting for us I looked back at the ship, hoping to get one last look at Harry, and even though it was dark and he was so high up and I was so far down, I swore I could see him. Leaning on the rail, he mouthed "I love you."

I did the same.

_Harry…_

Lights walked up to me just after Sarah disappeared into the crowd.

"You know I met my wife, Sylvia, when I was on the Pacific Run to Australia." he spoke up.

I nodded, still leaning against the rail of the now quiet ship.

"I was about your age, she wasn't very old either, twenty or so." he leaned down on the rail next to me. "Her father forbid it and threatened to report me to the captain. I didn't give a damn, neither did she…we married a few weeks later and I traveled back from Australia with my new wife in toe."

I looked over at him and smiled. "Is there a point to all of that?"

"Yes, a very good one. No matter what, you can always fight the enemy, epicially when it comes to beautiful girls."

"I asked her to marry me…gave her my Grandfather's pocket watch."

"She said yes?"

I nodded. "I should have married her on the Titanic."

"Skipper wouldn't have approved, he was all about custom, you know that."

"I don't give a damn. She's worth it. She makes me want to get up in the morning…I'd do anything for her…even lie."

"Lie? Take it from me, that's the one thing you don't want to do to a woman. Didn't your mother teach you anything?" he got up and patted me on the back, laughing. I couldn't though, I had lied. And it was only a matter of time before I couldn't keep the secret I had promised to Rose.

Sarah's happiness was worth more to me than any damn promise and knowing I could spare the grief that she held in her heart tore me up.

I only hoped that she wouldn't hate me for it.


	28. Deliver Me

**Thanks for all your reviews and support! **

**Sara- Yep, you'll be seeing a lot more of George, he's Sarah's brother after all : )**

**et-spiritus-sancti****- "Coo Coo catchoo" lol a definite LMAO moment. **

**I should have another chapter up by the end of the weekend : ) And oh yeah, no Harry in this chapter…total bummer I know : (**

Chapter 28

In the short distance from the pier to the car waiting on the street, it took George and me nearly 30 minutes to walk. Reporters were coming at us from every direction, clamoring over one another and yelling questions my way, trying their hardest to get my attention. George held me close and told me to ignore them, but that was more difficult than it sounded.

Finally, after pushing our way through the inquisitive mob, I could see the tall form of my Grandmother standing near a black Renault, parked amidst the crowd of people on the street.

She was Hailey Montgomery and was the epitome of what a well bred Philadelphian socialite should be. Everything she did was perfect, from the way she buttered her bread, to her benevolence to the less fortunate, but to me she was just my Grandmother, my Nan, a name I call her only when it is just the two of us.

Up until then.

"Nan!"

I ran towards her and straight into her arms. She grasped me tightly and both of us began to shed tears. I nuzzled my face into her shoulder and breathed in her scent, which consisted of roses and vanilla, and felt a warm and serene calm come over me.

"Oh my Sarah, my darling Sarah." she pulled away from me and looked me over and began to cry even more. "I thought I had lost you…" she replied through her tears. "…I couldn't bear the thought of it. But you're here, safe…" she placed her hands on either side of my face. "Perfect, you're just perfect. Not a scratch on you…" her eyes peered into mine and for a moment I thought she had been mistake and see a 'scratch'. Her eyes looked me over with question. "…and yet there is something different about you."

I gulped, suddenly realizing that this woman knew me better than anyone else in the world and she knew there was something about me that had changed. Something had, and it was Harry.

"Of course there's something different about her, she's probably had 5 years taken off her life after what happened." George spoke up, breaking the awkward silence that had developed.

Grandmother's blue eyes lingered on me a moment longer, she could see it, but she didn't say a word and turned to my brother. "Yes, of course. Come now, this car is waiting to take you both to your Grandfather's house."

"Us? Where are you going?" George asked.

She looked to another car parked just behind the one we were standing in front of, that I had only noticed now. "Your Aunt needs me now. And after years of animosity between us, I think I owe that to her, we'll be at the Waldorf. You'll join us for lunch tomorrow?"

George nodded and my grandmother looked at me for a moment. She then reached for my hand and grasped it tightly. "I'm so glad you're home and safe."

Through my tear stained face I smiled at her and returned the gesture. George and I then watched as she got into the car and sat in the back with Aunt Ruth. It pulled away from the curb and disappeared behind a corner. George then turned to me and offered me his arm.

I took it and the two of us then got into the other car.

I was quiet most of the way to my Grandfather's house. I couldn't seem to get over the way my grandmother had looked at me. Then there was Aunt Ruth to consider. Because even though she hadn't spoken a word to anyone since everything had happened I still worried she would tell Grandmother something. But my fears about her didn't hold a candle to the ones I had about Cal.

Grandmother may be kind and understanding towards Aunt Ruth right now, but that was only because of what happened. Soon they would go back to loathing one another, but Cal was different. To begin with he knew everything, although I'm still not sure how, and to top it all off my grandmother adored Cal. Obviously she didn't know him that well.

If she didn't believe Aunt Ruth, she would surely believe Cal. I was going to have to tell her before anyone else did and that alone gave me a headache.

I decided that just for tonight though, I was going to forget about all of that. I need just one night of peace, although it would have been a whole lot better if a certain someone was here with me.

From my spot in the car I rested my head against the cold window and thought about him. I wondered what he was doing, if he was thinking about me. I missed him so much, and it hadn't even been an hour since we parted.

"Are you alright?"

I turned to my brother and saw the concern in his face. We had always been close; we didn't really have any other choice, being orphans and all.

"Just a bit uncomfortable…" I told him about my injury to cover up what I was really feeling. Being a medical student, his doctor instincts went to work immediately.

"How did it happen? Is their any swelling? What…"

"George, I'm fine, just…uncomfortable. I told the doctor on the Carpathia about it and he said it will heal on its own."

"Still I would feel better if you went to see Dr. Boyer when you get back to Philadelphia."

"I will, don't worry. Speaking of doctors, shouldn't you be in school right now?"

"My professors gave me a week of family time."

"That was gracious of them."

"I thought so…" he trailed off an for a minute or so was silent, then from out of nowhere he looked at me and asked. "Was it horrible?"

I shifted my gaze. "More than you realize."

He shook his head. "If I had been there…"

"You would be dead, so don't even say that."

"What makes you say that…Cal is just fine. What makes me any different from him?"

"What makes you different is that you have refinement and Cal doesn't!"

George looked taken aback. "Sarah, why would you say something like that?" Cal and George knew one another, they weren't best mates or anything like that, but they had shared a brandy every now and then.

I shook my head no wanting to start anything. "I'm just tired. I'm saying things before I even think about them."

Thankfully our Grandfather's house came into view before he could question me any further. The driver stopped at the front doors, which were immediately opened by two maids, wearing black dresses and white aprons. Grandfather ran his home with very strict, very Victorian customs.

The driver opened the door for me and helped me from the car just as my Grandfather's housekeeper, Mrs. Fitzpatrick, appeared in the door way. She was a cold woman, having worked for my Grandfather since before I was born. She had to be, at the most, 50, but the unpleasantness that she had dealt with over the years made her look much older.

"Master Wilkes, Miss Wilkes…Mr. Wilkes is awaiting your arrival in the salon."

"Thank you, Mrs. Fitzpatrick." George said stepping up beside me and putting his hat on.

Mrs. Fitzpatrick nodded and stepped aside to allow us to walk in. George took my hand and together the two of us walked into the looming dark mansion in front of us.

The house was always dark. I couldn't remember a day in my life when it hadn't been. Candles lit on their sconces were the only light in the hallway, even though a huge chandelier hung from the ceiling in the foyer. My Grandfather was still reluctant about the idea of electricity.

George and I made our way down the hall and into the salon. We found him sitting in a high backed dark chair, reading a thick book and smoking his pipe. A cloud of smoke surrounded him and he looked up when we entered.

At one time, most certainly long ago, Grandfather had been a handsome man. This was still evident in his facial features, but he was always so stern that I found it hard to see him that way with just a simple glance. His hair was completely gray, but nicely groomed, and his dark eyes were very deep and mysterious, but his jaw was firm and the wrinkles in his face all formed a picture of man; cantankerous and unpleasant.

"You're later than I thought you would be."

George took his hat off. "Yes, I expected to be earlier as well. The crowd was…"

"Well I imagine it would be boy." he shut the book and set it down, along with his pipe and approached us, his hands clasped behind his back. He eyed me.

"You're a ghastly mess. Did they not take care of you on that rescue ship?"

I swallowed back before answering. "Yes sir, they did. I just haven't been taking care of myself the way I should have been."

He nodded, accepting my answer, only because of the circumstances.

"Mrs. Fitzpatrick has seen to it that you have clothes and the proper items in your room, since I believe all of your things to be lost."

I nodded, thinking of everything that I had lost. "Yes, they were." I said softly.

"You'll be in New York for a few weeks I imagine, what with the inquiries and all."

"Inquires?" I asked.

"Yes, a group of senators are looking into the disaster. It was announced in the evening paper. They'll be subpoenaing passengers I imagine and given the fact that you are my granddaughter I'm sure they will want to speak to you."

I perked up at this. We had heard nothing of these inquiries on the Carpathia, but maybe they would want to speak to the crew as well, which meant Harry wouldn't be going back to England as he thought he would be. I nearly smiled, but held myself back.

"Where will the hearings be held?"

"The Waldorf."

That was the same hotel my Grandmother was staying at!

We talked to Grandfather for a few moments longer, before I excused myself to my room. Grandfather came up to me and gave me an awkward embrace before I left the room, "I am pleased that you are home safe."

"Thank you." I replied, feeling just about as uncomfortable as he looked.

Then I saw something in his eyes that I had never seen before. Warmth, and…could those have actually been tears? I looked at him with question, but he went back to George, quickly hiding his eyes from me.

I shrugged to myself and then left the room and headed upstairs to try and sleep.


	29. These are the Days

**So posting this chapter came later than I thought and I feel soooo bad :) But thank you for all of your wonderful reviews, I love hearing how much you guys enjoy this story**

**et-spiritus-sancti - I have never seen that movie but I'm going to have to go rent it now, just to see for myself. **

**Sara- I'm interested to know how you pictured Grandmother. I don't want to be inconsistent with anything so if I've messed up let me know :) **

**Tipper- Welcome to the story! I love "Olivia" so I'm honored that you think so highly of mine.**

**Thanks to everyone else for their wonderful reviews, they really keep me going :)**

Chapter 29

I woke up the next morning, having slept quite soundly the night before. Something about being in familiar surroundings made me feel more comfortable and peaceful and I had fallen asleep as soon as my eyes had closed.

Nora, a maid of my Grandfather's helped me dress that morning, in an appropriate black dress. Although it was quite pretty with a squared neck, cuffed sleeves and silk belt, it was a mourning dress, and for the next three months it would be all that I wore. When a distant family member passed, that was time allotted for the period of grief, but I felt Rose deserved more.

Thinking about Rose and a black dress, made me think of a moment barely two weeks ago when she came dressed all in black the day we left Southampton. I couldn't help but grin thinking about how stubborn she had been, and then the sadness hit me. I brushed away the tear that rolled down my cheek and tried to be positive, but it was just so hard.

_Come on Sarah, be brave and strong, you can do this…_

When Nora finished dressing me she swept my hair up simply and pinned it. I wore no jewelry, not that I would have, and went downstairs to breakfast.

My Grandfather was already at his place at the front of the dining room table. The table was quite large, it could seat 20, but it was only myself, my Grandfather and George that would be dining this morning.

"Good Morning, Grandfather." I replied as I entered the dining room.

He looked up from the morning paper a simply "Good Morning," before going back to his reading.

I ignored his lack of emotion and sat down at the table where a place had been set. Martha, another maid came by and put some juice in my glass. George came in not too long after that and we began breakfast.

After breakfast I went to the library to find a book to read. I pulled Oliver Twist off the shelf, but even though it was one of my favorites I couldn't seem to concentrate. I set the book down in my lap and fished inside of my pocket and pulled out Harry's watch.

I ran my fingers across it, tracing the engraving with my fingers. It was so beautiful and such an usual engagement offering, but I loved it all the same. I wondered what kind of man Harry's grandfather had been. Obviously he had a fondness for the sea. This led me to thinking about the rest of his family. He never really mentioned them, in fact he hadn't at all. I wondered if had any brothers or sisters, or if he was an only child. I wondered how they would react to me; if they would like me, love me, or hate me.

I supposed he was thinking the same thing about me.

I myself couldn't really say how my Grandmother and Grandfather would react to him. Grandfather probably wouldn't even let him in the front door, but I knew my Grandmother would be somewhat open minded about him. Money and such didn't bother so, just as long as he was respectable and treated me the same.

And Harry was respectable. He was headstrong and smart. That's right, he was all of that and more and Nan would love him.

"That's a handsome watch you have there."

Startled I turned around and saw George behind me.

"I didn't hear you come in." I replied, trying to regain my composure and slip the watch back into my pocket, but he grabbed it up before I was able to.

"Very handsome indeed." he grinned.

"George give it back!" I leapt up from the chair I had been sitting in and attempted to steal it back but he dashed across the room before I could get it.

"Look a lighthouse…oh and is this real gold?" he said holding it up away from me.

I jumped, reaching for it but missed. Gracious, I felt like I was six years old again and he had taken my china doll.

"Give it to me!"

He grinned roguishly and ran across the room. "Give me? That's not a very polite manner in which you are speaking."

"How about a polite kick to shin?"

"You're a refined lady, you wouldn't dare."

"Are you doubting me?"

He smiled, defeated. "Okay okay, you can have it back." he came over and dangled it playfully over my opened hand before finally dropping it into my palm.

I clutched it tightly, glad to have it back. He sat down on the sofa and propped one leg up on the other and studied me.

"Where did you get that?"

I turned to him. "Someone gave it to me."

"Who?"

"Just someone." I replied sitting down next to him.

"Would I like him?"

I smiled, knowing it was that obvious. "I think so. You both love to torment me."

"A partner in crime, I'm intrigued." he laughed. "Did you meet him at school?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Well, where did you meet him?"

I hesitated. Telling George about Harry might be a good thing, but then again it might not be. He would be the first people in my family besides Rose (and Aunt Ruth) who would know about him. Then I thought about Cal and Aunt Ruth. They both knew and it wouldn't too long before everyone found out. Last night I had decided that I would have to tell them all first and this was my opportunity.

"On the Titanic."

His eyes got wide. "Is he…"

"Oh no! Gracious no. He's just fine."

"Alright then. What's his name, how old is he? You do realize this is the first time that I've ever had to do this so I'm going to be a stickler for detail. I want to know everything."

I smiled. "His name is Harold Lowe and he's 29."

"Good. Where is he from?"

"Wales."

"Now is he some sort of drifter or does he have an occupation?"

"He was the ship's fifth officer."

"Well…" he looked over at me and nodded. "I think its safe to say I'm impressed. Why did he give you his watch?"

I shrugged, lying obviously. This wasn't the right time to tell him about my engagement. "So I never forget him, I guess."

"Don't let Grandfather see that. He'll have this Mr. Lowe's head on a platter. Remember how he reacted when John Conrad asked you to dance at my birthday party last year?"

I did remember. John's father is my Grandfather's lawyer; he had almost been fired because of it.

"He's just going to have to learn to accept it."

George nearly laughed. "The only man he'll accept in your life will have to be a Vanderbilt or an Astor and even then I don't think it would be that easy."

I shifted uncomfortably, knowing what he was said was so obviously true. I need some reassurence.

"What about Nan?"

He shrugged. "Just make sure he doesn't have any skeletons in his closet and that's he been respectable towards you and everything should be alright…" he looked at me and smiled. "…but I think you already knew that." he added.

I nodded, but smiled back. "I just needed to hear it from someone else."

From our place in the library we could hear the definite dong on the front door bell. A few moments later Mrs. Fitzpatrick entered the room and handed me an envelope. "This was just delivered for you, Miss."

"Thank you." I replied and took it from her. As soon as she left, I opened it, George peering over my shoulder the whole time. I opened the slip of paper and read carefully.

It was a subpoena.

"….on the 3rd of May in the year 1912...investigation into the sinking of Titanic…"

"Looks like Grandfather was right."

"Why do they want to speak to me, I don't know anything more than anyone else?"

George shrugged. "Don't worry, they'll probably just ask simple questions. If you witnessed it sink, if the crew was organized…that type of thing."

I shook my head, none of those questions were simple. They poured salt over wounds that hadn't even been given time to heal yet. "It just happened, don't we even get time to heal."

"Political men don't care about things like that. They want answers, Sarah. Over a thousand lives were lost, including our cousins', don't you want to help in anyway you can?"

I did want to help, but at the same time I wasn't ready to relive all that had happened in front of a court room. What if they asked me about Rose? What would I say…or about why it took me so long to get on a lifeboat? How would I explain the situation with Jack.

George, the most wonderful older brother in the entire world, put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him and laid my head down on his shoulder.

"It will be alright…don't worry."

He said that with a strong, optimistic voice, but I found it very hard to believe. I just had a horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and a sudden headache. This wasn't fair, none of it; no one should have died. Rose shouldn't have had to marry Cal, she should have been with Jack without question, just the way I should be able to be with Harry, without question. There wouldn't be any guilt, any lies or any sneaking around.

I buried my face into George's shoulder and tried to keep my tears back. It was to no avail though and I began to sob softly.

_Please just make it all go away…_


	30. Life Goes On

**I want to apologize for not updating, I was so sick this week, it was awful! I feel so drained, but had just enough energy to post for ya'll : ) I proofed as best as I could but I'm still recovering so sorry if there are any errors.**

**Oh yes and just for Sara…Sarah's grandparents are not married. Her Grandmother is her mother's mom and her grandfather is her father's dad…sorry for the confusion.**

**Harry will be back next chapter**

**Happy reading : ) : )**

**And once again thanks for the wonderful reviews!**

Chapter 30

After I regained my composure George walked me back to my room where I napped for a few hours before getting up and got ready to go see my Grandmother at the Waldorf. Nora help me fix my hair that had come loose in my sleep, and helped me change into yet another black dress. I then found a coat, hat and gloves and went downstairs where George was waiting for me beside a car that my Grandfather had waiting for us.

When we arrived around 20 minutes later there was an enormous crowd spilling out of the hotel. In the subpoena I had received it had stated the hearings into the sinking of Titanic would be here, but I didn't realize that it was starting today. Reporters, other Titanic survivors, family members and just people who were plain curious, were everywhere. I clung to George as he pushed his way through the swarm of people in the lobby.

"This is ridicules, don't these people have anything better to do?" he muttered.

I shook my head, not quite understanding why this was such a fascination to everyone. I saw reporters rudely push themselves in front of others and with pens and pads in hand and question them, even when the person told them 'No' and tried to leave.

We made our way past the front desk and reached the stairs where I was finally able to take a deep breath of air. George let me take my break and soon we were climbing the stairs up to the second floor where we got on the elevator that took us to the 5th floor where my Grandmother's suite was.

One of the hotel maids opened the door for us and led us into the suite and to the sitting room where a table had been set up, with a beautiful table cloth, donned with silverware and china. Grandmother sat at the head of the table with Aunt Ruth to her left and…

I groaned to myself as I saw that Cal was seated next to Aunt Ruth. He looked at me with those eyes that made me positively nauseous and I turned from him quickly and sat down next to Grandmother.

_What was he doing here?_

Grandmother answered my question soon after we finished lunch.

She waited until the maids had removed the last of the dishes before folding her hands delicately and laying them on the table. "As much as it pains me, I'm afraid we need to discuss the situation that has occurred. I know George and I are more than thankful that you three are here with us, but the unfortunate fact is, is that one isn't."

I sighed deeply, knowing where she was going with this. I looked over at Aunt Ruth, who hadn't spoken or touched her food at all during the meal. Her head was down and she was as pale as ever.

"Rose, was a wonderful girl, growing into a beautiful woman, and her life was tragically cut short. We have to be responsible and with the knowledge that our family is on display to most of this county, we have to act accordingly." she cleared her throat. "Cal and I have discussed it…" she said, throwing a look towards Aunt Ruth. "…and have decided we will set a date for a memorial service on the 10th of May. If by then Rose has been found we will have a funeral, but if not we will just have to make do. There are plenty of ships out in the Atlantic looking for those that have been lost, and I pray that Rose will be one of them. We already know that she did not survive, but I know I would feel better knowing that she was safe within our family's mausoleum. Is this agreed?"

George and I both stated that we did.

"Good. Now of this hearing business…Sarah, Cal has told me that he has been asked to speak, have you?"

I nodded. "Yes, Grandmother I have."

"What day?"

"The 3rd of next month."

"That is the same day as Cal…we shall stay in New York until then. I'm sure your Grandfather will not mind," she said looking at George and I. "… but if you wish to stay here with me, you are more than welcome. After that is all over with we will depart for Philadelphia where the services for Rose will be held."

After the most somber discussion in history was over with, I went into my Grandmother's bedroom and tried to regain my composure. Seeing Cal in there had made my blood boil. He was so arrogant, so…God, I was so angry I couldn't even insult that scoundrel properly in my mind.

"Here you are." The door opened and my Grandmother came in, her dark skirt creating that gently ruffling noise as she walked towards me. "You disappeared quite suddenly." she said as she sat down next to me on the bed. Her hand rested on top of mind in a comforting manner.

"I'm sorry, Nan."

"Oh don't be, I'm not angry, just worried. You were very quiet all through lunch; did you sleep at all last night?"

I nodded. "Better than I have in the past few days."

"It's a terrible thing that's happened, but you can't let it over take you."

I shook my head. "I'm trying not to…if Rose had…well, that would have made a difference."

"That maybe true, but what about the others who are gone? I'm sure their families are thinking the same." she put her arm around my shoulders. "The fact of the matter is that you can't bring her back. She's gone, my dear, and there isn't anything you can say or do that will bring her back."

I knew she was right. I had been too despondent to think of that on my own, but it left me with both a comfortable and distressed feeling; It felt good to know that there was nothing more I could do than what I was doing, and that was to mourn her, but still apart me still felt I could have done more.

I decided to change the subject and asked of Aunt Ruth. She shook her head in annoyance at the mention of her daughter.

"Oh she will be fine. It would be nice to say that she's acting like a mute because of her daughter, but sadly that would be a lie. A very small part of her mourns Rose but an even bigger part is more concerned with money."

"Money?"

Her eyes were stern as she spoke, like they always were when Aunt Ruth was concerned. "She mourns more for the marriage that would have been with the Hockley's. One that would insure her financial future."

I was a bit confused, since when did Aunt Ruth have a problem with money? "Nan, I'm not sure I understand what you are saying."

"Darling, didn't you know…Your Uncle John left you Aunt and cousin in quite a predicament. Seems he did a lot of gambling and bad investing, so when he died there was nothing left for them."

"How horrible."

"Yes, indeed. Ruth assumed I would be there for her but after the years of heartache that girl gave me, I felt in no way that I should help her. She was always trouble, even as a child. Your mother and she were as different as any two sisters could be, and she was always jealous of Corynn, even tried to lure your father away from her at one point."

The look on my face surely showed how shocked I was to hear that. Why would Aunt Ruth do such a thing? Questions began to form in my mind after I heard that, and then began to remember all of the things she had been saying to me over the years, especially in the past couple of weeks. I kept them to myself though.

"The only joy she ever gave me was Rose, and yet she kept her away from me as much as she could. She refused to come to your mother's funeral and even fought to have you children sent off to some distant relatives in Europe of your paternal grandmothers. She wanted every trace of Corynn wiped clean from the earth."

"I can see why you are reluctant to help her."

"Reluctant? Ah my darling I have no intention of helping her. I will of course take care of Rose's funeral, but after that she is on her own. She has made her bed and now she must lye in It." she stopped and looked at me and her face went soft. "Don't you worry, my Sarah. You have never once disappointed me and I promise this is the last you will ever see of your Nan is such a frazzled state." she smiled and patted me softly on the shoulder.

I smiled back, not quite sure if I agreed with what she had just said. But Grandmother was seldom wrong about anything, so I trusted her judgment. I always had, it was like the sunset; there was never any doubt that it would happen everyday and it never failed.

"Nan, I must speak with you about something."

"Of course darling."

I decided this was as good as time as any to bring up Harry. "When I was on the Titanic, I met a boy."

Her face formed an satisfied expression. We both knew she had seem something last night that was different, and now I was confirming it to her.

"A boy?"

"Well a man. His name is Harold."

She sighed heavily. "I don't have to ask if you remained a lady and he a gentleman…do I?"

I shook my head. "Oh no ma'm."

Satisfied she smiled at me. "Alright then, tell me more about Harold."

Any guilt I felt about lying to her was suddenly washed away when I saw that she was disappointed in me, so I told her about Harry.

"He was the ships 5th Officer, he's 29 and is from Wales."

The moment I said his age I could tell that triggered something in her. She looked at me as if I was a naïve child then she shifted her gaze and then looked back at me as if I had suddenly gone from 7 years old to 17 in just a matter of seconds.

"I was going to say that 29 and 17 are too far apart in years…but I married your Grandfather when I was 16 and he was 32, not that you have any plans to marry…do you?"

_Oh no…_

"No, of course not. We just met."

"That's my girl." she gave me an approving smile. "Well, where is this Harold? Is he in New York?"

"I believe so. I'm assuming that they are keeping him here for the hearings, although I haven't spoken to him since I left the Carpathia."

"Well if he is in New York you will have to invite him for tea one afternoon."

"Really?"

"Darling don't look so surprised. You act as if I should loathe him before I even meet him." she touched my cheek in a grandmotherly way. " You only have a year in school left, after that your search for a husband will begin and I want you to make the right choice. Who knows, maybe it is this young man, maybe it isn't, but I am proud of you none the less, for being responsible and thinking ahead."

She made it sound as if I was preparing to purchase a piece of real estate. Yet, I figured it was no worse than what men do when planning to marry. I smiled at her and nodded in agreement.

We sat there and talked some more; about Rose, about Titanic, and even a bit more about Harry. She wanted to know everything about him that I did, but the more questions she asked the more I realized how little I actually knew about him. I was to preoccupied with the fact that she was taking it so well to even care.

Everything was going to be alright, I just knew it!


	31. Truly, Madly, Deeply

**Thanks for your well wishes everyone!**

**I do feel MUCH better, it's nice to have energy again. It took me a few days to write this chapter, I had a teeny bout of writers block for about 6 hours yesterday, seriously had no idea what to write, it was awful!**

**Wow there's a lot of new readers out there and thanks so much for you kind words about my story and characters. **

**MG: Thanks for you suggestion : ) I didn't even think about using any welsh words…I'm such a ditz sometimes lol…but if you have any more I will try my best to put them in future chapters.**

**Elodie: Thanks! I've always wanted to go to Germany…its on my list of places…Germany, Ireland, Italy, Russia…lol**

**Neverlandsprincess: lol that's okay we all love Cal…he's in this chapter but not very much, don't worry you'll be seeing a lot more of him ;) **

**Butterfly Effect: Thank you for noticing the mistake in Chapter Two, I'll be on it ASAP **

**Tipper, Liz, Roxy, Annara, Sara and Norma Jean : Ya'll are the best! And I proof read this time…lol…I think I have issues with that sometimes, but knowing my luck I missed something (ex: Sarah saying how much she LOVES Cal lol…I would be so embarrassed if that happened…DUH!)**

**Thanks so much everyone, enjoy Chapter 31...wow I've written A LOT!**

Chapter 31

Close to an hour had gone by before Nan and I left her room and drifted back out into the sitting room. We came out of find George and Cal off in a corner, talking in quiet voices while Aunt Ruth sat on the sofa, her pale face still bearing the residue of a recent bout of tears. The maids were still bustling around the room, cleaning up from lunch and Nan left my side to go supervise them.

As soon as she was out of sight George and Cal broke their conversation and came over to me.

"I'm going back to Grandfather's to pack." George said.

"Pack?"

He nodded. "I'm going to take Grandmother up on her offer. I'd rather be here then fight those crowds every time I try to come see her. You should think about staying here too. Besides Cal is here and I think we should all be together right now."

I felt Cal's eyes on me and looked up to see his dark eyes practically looking through me. If he was going to be staying here then I wanted to be as far away from him as possible.

"No, I think I'll stay with Grandfather."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. "I think the quiet will do me good."

"Sarah, do reconsider. After all you will want to be near if anything comes up at the hearings." Cal spoke up, obviously that was not his entire reasoning for me to stay here. I could only imagine what kind of hell he would give me if I stayed here at the hotel.

"Thank you for you concern, Cal, but I would much rather stay with my Grandfather." I replied in a harsh tone.

George looked at me, shocked. "Sarah, there's no reason to be rude, Cal was just trying to help."

"Oh George, it quite alright. Sarah has been through a lot, she has every reason to be irrational. If anyone understands that, it is me." Cal defended me in a smug manner.

Oh God! I wanted to wrap my hands around his neck and strangle that man! I could practically feel the steam building up inside of me. Thankfully George asked Cal if he would accompany him to Grandfather's house and Cal agreed. My older brother may not have realized the favor he had just done for me, but I was more than thankful for it.

They went to Nan and told they were leaving before exiting the room and leaving us ladies alone. I sat down on the sofa with Aunt Ruth and attempted to talk to her but she didn't even seem to notice I was there next to her. I began to feel bad; my guilt, though ever present, always seemed to escalate when I was around her.

I felt awful for yelling at her the way I did the night everything happened, but I reminded myself that she really had given me no choice in the matter. She constantly berated me and never failed to tell me how much I acted like my mother, which still baffled me. That night, I told myself, I just couldn't take it anymore and that's why I had acted the way I had.

I tried a few more times to talk to her but she remained mute. I then got up from the sofa and told Nan I was going to go for a walk. She advised me to stay in the hotel and not to go out on the streets.

I listened to her, even though I longed to go out and get out of the stuffy building, but I soon found that even going out in the corridor made me feel better. I let the door to the suite click shut behind me and began to walk down the hallway and towards the lifts.

_Meanwhile…_

"Welcome to the Waldorf Astoria, Mr. Lowe . We have booked you in room 312, which is on the third floor; would you like someone to help you with your luggage?"

I shook my head, I only had one suitcase and all it carried was my uniform, since I had been given a suit we I boarded the last night.

"Very well, if you'll just sign the guest book…" the concierge said handing me a pen and pointing to a thick book at the end of the lobby counter. I sighed, grabbed the pen, picked up my suitcase and moved down a few feet to sign the damn book.

I could barely hold the pen up I was so tired. I knew the fact that I hadn't had a good night's sleep in 5 days probably had something to do with it, even if Lights kept diagnosing it as 'lack of attention', his own formal way of saying it was because I hadn't seen Sarah since the night before.

I began to pen my name into the guest book, deciding after a few hours sleep I would find send a letter to her at her grandfather's house. I didn't want to just suddenly show up on the doorstep knowing it was very possible she hadn't even mentioned me to her family yet.

I was nearly finished when I felt a pair of eyes on me; I turned my head and came face to face with some bastard reporter. He was reading what I had just written in the guest book. The impoliteness of actions did it for me and I could feel my temper begin to boil.

"In England, I say a man would get a punch in the nose if he attempted to look over the guest book!" I snapped.

The smile on the reporters face disappeared and he back away from me as if I could shoot fire from my eyes with a simple blink. I turned back and finished my signature, threw my coat over my arm and headed to the lifts, still fuming.

The lobby was beyond crowded, what with the hearings and all, so I maneuvered as well as I could through the crowd, trying to avoid running into anyone, but when stepping out of the way to avoid a woman who must have weighed just as much as the Titanic I stepped right into another gentleman's path.

"Pardon me."

"Quite alright."

"Well, this is a pleasant surprise." said another voice.

I looked over to the owner of the voice and saw that it was someone I knew. Hockley.

We had never officially met, but I remembered seeing him that day on the bridge, what I didn't understand was how he knew who I was.

"George," he said motioning towards the gentleman I had run into, he looked familiar to me, and I soon learned why. "This is Mr. Lowe, I believe he had the _pleasure _of meeting your sister on board the Titanic." his emphases on the word 'pleasure' made my stomach turn. Did he know?

I then realized Sarah's brother's name was George. Why didn't she ever tell me that…He looked at me and I looked at him, sizing one another up it seemed. He and Sarah had the same eyes and skin tone, but that was about it. Hair color was completely different as was the face shape and noses.

"Lowe?" he asked, and then much to my surprise and Hockley's he held out his hand for me to shake. "Nice to meet you, Sarah has said nothing but good things about you."

I was pleased to see that his words had taken Hockley by surprise. "Yes, she did the same for you." I replied, even though she really hadn't mentioned him to me before, except for once that I could remember.

"Well I'm sure whatever she said was a complete lie." he replied with humor. "We're actually on our way out," he said indicating him and Hockley, who was now shooting daggers at me with his eyes. "But Sarah is upstairs with our Grandmother; do you know the room number?"

"I don't think we should bother your Grandmother with visitors." Hockley spoke up.

George shook his head. "Nonsense, I'm sure Sarah would love to see you. It's 502, one of the suites, you can't miss it."

"Thank you." This bloke wasn't half bad.

We said our goodbyes and I continued on towards the lifts, still feeling the effects of Hockley's words and attitudes towards me. I kept reasoning with myself that there was no way he could have known about Sarah and I. I knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't have told him, especially considering what had happened between us; she wouldn't put her reputation on the line like that. Yet, there didn't seem to be any other explanation for his behavior.

The lift was gone when I approached but I could hear it descending down, and waited a moment for it to arrive. When the gold gated doors finally came into full view, I adjusted my coat on my arm and waited as the operator opened the doors.

I looked up to step inside when I saw Sarah standing there in front of me. She was dressed all in black and there was no question that she was clearly as exhausted as I was, but when she saw me I saw her beautiful grin light her whole face up.

Clearly neither one of us was expecting to see the other. She stood frozen in her spot just as I was.

"Miss? Are you getting off?" the operator interrupted.

Sarah broke her gaze with me and looked at him. "I…suddenly forgot something, I need to go back up."

The operator looked at me. "Going up sir?"

"Yes, uh 3rd floor", stepping in next to her.

I wanted to drop everything and grab her up with the newly discovered energy I had, but I knew with the operator here it wouldn't look right. Those few minutes it took us to rise to the 3rd floor were agonizing, I thought it would never end, then finally with one last ding we settled on the floor and the doors were opened. Sarah got off and the operator looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"Weren't you coming from the 5th floor?"

Sarah turned around and with the most angelic smile I had ever seen, replied in a sweet voice, "That doesn't seem to be any of your business, now does it?"

It was hard, but I managed to stifle my laughter and walk out of the lift. The operator turned his nose in a smug manner, shut the gates and went back down and before another second was wasted I had her in my arms. She held my face in her hands and kissed me at least a hundred times before I was able to kiss her back.

_Meanwhile…_

Oh god it felt so wonderful to feel his lips pressed against my own again, to feel him alone was enough to make tears of joy spring from my eyes. He kissed them away, still managing to hold me close to him.

"I can't believe it." I managed to say.

He smiled and brushed away the tears that he had missed, "Me either. I was thinking about you and then there you were."

I smiled, excitement running through me. "You were thinking about me?"

His answer was another kiss, so full of love and emotion it made me tingle all over. It seemed like it had been so long since I had last seen him, but it hadn't even been a day. Unfortunately the ding of bell both interrupted us and signaled that the lift was coming back. Harry took my hand and led me down the hall to what I assumed to be his room. He unlocked the door and held it open for me, I walked in and he soon followed shutting the door behind him.

"I shouldn't be in here."

He laughed. "I'll be on my best behavior, I promise," he set his suitcase down on the dresser and laid his coat over the chair. "Besides…" he said wrapping his arms around my waist. "…what's going to happen that hasn't already?"

His joke relaxed me and I managed to giggle for a slight second before he kissed me again; first my lips then down my neck. I felt more alive than I had in days, and could have honestly cared less if he wasn't being on his best behavior. He crossed my mind that I was in mourning but I had been living as if were dead for the past five days, I needed to be reminded that I wasn't.

This time was so much different than the last. Maybe it was because I knew what to expect (even though there were many moments when my expectations were far exceeded), maybe it was because I more comfortable, maybe it was even the fact that the bed was bigger than a door, all I knew was that it was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced.

He was so sweet and loving in the way he did everything; laying me down on the bed, undressing me, kissing me. He told me over and over again how much he loved me and how he waited with anticipation the moment we were married and could be like this whenever we wanted.

He held me close to him afterwards, just like before, but unlike before I had no intention of falling asleep. I kissed him; all over his chest, his neck, his face and he laughed.

"See, being on your best behavior is quite fun."

**How's that for a reunion? LOL **


	32. In These Arms

**OMG I am so sorry I haven't posted in so long! I've hadfamily visiting and it's been very hard to find the time to sit down and write, they leave tomorrow though so things should go back to normal : ) **

**I'm headed off for school right now so I don't have very long and will address everyone's reviews in the next chapter : ) **

Chapter 32

Everything about the moment was perfect; the bed, soft and inviting, holding us together under layers of soft sheets and warm blankets. The way he held me in his arms, delicately making a path of small kisses down my neck, to my shoulder and following the trail all the way down my arm and to the very tips of my fingers.

"You're so beautiful," he said in a soft whisper that made the goose bumps rise up on my arms. "I never want to let you go."

I smiled at his kind, yet somewhat sensual words and brought my hand up and ran it through his soft hair, "And I never want you to."

I was rewarded with a handsome smile and a purely exquisite kiss. I sighed with pleasure as he did this; his lips and mine moving perfectly together in the kind of motion that only the two of us knew and when we parted he wrapped his arms around me snugly, holding me so close to him that I couldn't help but breathe in the scent of his aftershave and find myself on cloud nine.

It was still hard for me to understand that I had only known him for a little over a week. So much had happened it made it seems as if there were years in between our first meeting in Southampton and where we were at this moment.

"You look deep in thought."

"I do?"

He nodded, "I don't blame you…I've been doing a lot of thinking myself."

We parted a few inches allowing ourselves to sit up in the bed, but I still found myself resting my head on his shoulder, not that I think he minded any. He simply stroked my hair as he spoke. "I could have lost you. I've said that to you so many times, but all last night, it was all I could think about. If I had gotten to the Carpathia and you weren't there…" he sighed heavily, the thoughts stabbing at his emotions like daggers. "…I wouldn't have been able to go on."

"I know what you mean. I can't even imagine how Polly is handling this. She and Charles really loved one another…he was always so kind to her…That's a rare find in my world." I moved so that I was facing him, "Do you realize those babies aren't even going to remember him?"

He shook his head, "No one should have to go through that. I don't think I told you, she was on my lifeboat…"

"She was?"

"Yes, I didn't recognize her at first, but she immediately asked about you."

I smiled after I heard that. Polly was such a wonderful person. "I feel like I haven't seen her in days. I hope she's alright."

"I'm sure she is." He cleared his throat and then went quiet for a bit before speaking again. "How is your family?"

He didn't want to mention Rose's name, and for that I was grateful, after discussing plans for her funeral at lunch, I already felt as if I was holding a dam of tears back knowing one more ounce of sadness could make it burst at any moment. "Aunt Ruth still isn't speaking; she must be in some sort of shock. Nan…"

"Who's Nan?" he asked.

I was slightly taken aback before I realized he had no idea who I was talking about, I nearly laughed. "My Grandmother, I call her Nan."

"Nan, that's interesting I called mine Nain."

I smiled. "Really?"

He returned a sweet smile, "Yes, well back to your Nan, what is she saying about all of this."

I sighed. "She's being practical. Planning the services and all that, it's hard to watch her do all of that…"my face fell as I tried to hide the pain that I knew was coming into my eyes. I took a deep breath, gathered my bearings and looked back up into Harry's sympathetic face. "…she's always been that way though. Since George and I were children…George is my brother…"

He nodded. "Oh I know."

I was confused; I didn't recall ever telling him much about George, let alone his name.

He smiled. "I met him downstairs, right before I saw you, actually."

"Well that explains that, but how did you know it was him?" I persisted.

"We were introduced."

"By who?"

"Mr. Hockley." he replied with an odd smirk on his face.

I nearly groaned with aggravation.

"I didn't know he…survived." he spoke up.

I turned from him, hiding my anger as best as I could. "Yes, well unfortunately cockroaches are resilient creatures."

"Cockroaches eh? I don't like him much either…he made a remark that got me a bit…perturbed."

_Oh God Cal, what did you say?_

I turned back to Harry. "What did he say?"

"Told your brother I had the 'pleasure' of meeting on you the Titanic. Something about the way he said that made me want to punch him clear between the eyes."

"He would have deserved it." I mumbled.

His eyes rose in question, "That's the first time I've heard you actually condone violence on another person."

I shrugged. "I guess it all depends on the person." It was horrible effort to hide my anger for Cal. The last thing I wanted to do was explain any of that to Harry, unfortunately for me, he didn't seem to swallow it.

"Is there more to this than what you're telling me…does he know about us?"

I had dreaded this moment. Harry had every right to know what Cal had been doing and what he knew about us, but I had no doubt that telling him would be like adding kerosene to an already blazing fire.

"Sarah?"

I told myself to be brave, that Harry loved me and that above all he deserved to hear the truth from my mouth, "You have every right to be suspicious of him, he does know."

His face froze and he asked him a low voice, "How?"

I didn't quite know that answer to that myself. I had asked myself of course, but I hadn't a lot of time to think about it the way I should have. All I could do was shake my head, which pried the frozen look of shock of Harry's face and replaced it with one full of irritation. He removed his arm from around my shoulders and leaned forward, resting both of his arms on his knees.

He was far away, lost in his anger I imagined. I felt horrible, and leaned forward holding the blanket close to me and moved towards him. I gently put my arm around his bare shoulders. "I'm sorry." I said in a quiet voice.

"Why are you saying that, you haven't done anything wrong?" he replied in a sharp tone, not bothering to move his eyes from their gaze on the bare wall in front of us.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Lord knows there are plenty of other girls out there you could be with that have normal lives. Ones that aren't orphans, have schedules and rules to live by, and don't have their deceased cousin's vindictive fiancé after them."

He turned to me; acting as if he hadn't heard a word I said and asked, "Has he told anyone else?"

"Besides Aunt Ruth no, no one. At least I don't think he has. I told Nan and George before he even saw them, but he knows so much that…"

"WHAT? What else does he know?" he roared.

I gave him a look that plainly said _everything _and watched as his eyes went wide and his anger boiled over its brim. He was so angry he struggled with his words, something he had never had a problem with before, at least that I knew of.

I knew he wasn't mad at me, but all the same I felt like I should have done more to stop Cal, to try and preserve what little secrecy Harry and I had. But even in my clouded mind I knew that there was really nothing I could have done, Cal was slyer than anyone gave him credit for.

Harry became too frustrated to even sit anymore and sprang up from the bed and in a fury began to dress. I sat on the bed, frozen in my spot, just watching him, waiting for the moment when I knew he was in rational thought once again, unfortunately that was exactly the opposite of what happened.

With his shirt half way buttoned up and he whirled towards me and it all came flooding out.

"That bastard has no idea what he's gotten himself into! Money doesn't make a bloody bit of difference to me and it sure as hell doesn't make him invisible. I don't give a damn who he thinks he is I will lay into anyone who crosses me! Now…" he moved closer to me, "You tell me everything that happened, and I mean EVERYTHING!"

"Harry…"

"Sarah, I love you, but I'm not above getting angry with you. I have very little patience…ever and I'm the first one to admit it, now tell me!"

"Everything?"

"EVERYTHING!"


	33. This I Promise You

**Liz: Feeling sorry for Ruth? Woo hoo I've done my job! More is going to be coming out about that in the next few chapters; ) And the day is the 19th. The Carpathia arrived in NYC on the night of 18th, I'll start putting up dates if that would be helpful. And its okay I don't mind you sounding like a hallmark card : )**

**Sara: I was LOL when I read your review…hehehe : )**

**Neverlandsprincess, Roxy, Tipper: You will being seeing a lot more of Cal, he's gonna find out and it won't be pretty…really not pretty grrrr (lol great grammar huh?)**

**et-spiritus-sancti****: I always enjoy your reviews and 31's was no exception, thanks so much!**

**Butterfly: Yes, Sarah's growing up…sniff sniff, in my best mommy voice, going off into a "seem like only yesterday" tangent**

**Anarra and MG: thanks for the reviews and MG the names were very helpful, I'll email you later today about them : ) Don't want to spoil anything for anyone evil laugh**

**LOOOOOOONG Chapter…hope you guys don't mind, it kind of reviews some of the story so far but I don't think its too bad…tried my best so here goes…oh yes and there are probably typos, I'm cursed what can I say? It could have been worse, I was reading some fanfics in the Pearl Harbor section the other day (speaking of which I'm considering doing one, but anyway…) some of those stories must have been written by monkeys. Simple words like 'could' spelled like "coood" (seriously I actually saw that…shudder) anyway…ENJOY : ) : )**

Chapter 33

I sat there for a moment trying to decide where to begin exactly. If he really did want to know everything that probably meant everything that had happened since I had met Cal, which was years ago. I was 15 when we first met at a Christmas party. It was hosted by the Hotchkiss family, mutual friends of my family's and his. I had danced with his brother, Taylor, who was about 20 then and he had introduced me to Cal.

I remember thinking that he was handsome and that he was very polite as he began a conversation with me. He knew George and we talked about him before Taylor came back and asked me for another dance. The next time I saw Cal was Christmas of 1911, just this past year. He had asked Rose to marry him only a few months before, and Nan had invited them over for Christmas dinner to celebrate. Both he and Rose had spoken very little that evening and George and I both confessed to one another later that there was definite tension between the two, but as far as I could tell Nan hadn't noticed. She was too preoccupied with the fact that her granddaughter was marrying one of the wealthiest, most handsome young men in America.

She adored Cal, and it was obvious why, he was always polite, well mannered and perfect when he was around her. And up until Sunday night he had been that way towards me as well. He had never even been cross with me let alone possessive and domineering and I didn't feel right in saying that something had him had changed, because to look at Rose you knew that she had been dealing with his behaviour long before Jack had even come into the picture.

I looked at Harry and studied his handsome face; he and Cal were about the same age, but Harry seemed somewhat older to me. He knew the world and wasn't afraid of anything in it. The differences between them were vast and went on and on. I loved Harry with everything I had inside of me, I felt protected when I was with him, he kept the bad things away, while Cal seemed to emit his own horrors. It didn't take long for one to see that I was lucky to have Harry and how easy it would have been for someone like Cal to come into my life, just like it had happened for Rose.

"Where do you want me to start?"

He sat down on the bed, releasing some of his anger as he did so, "Whenever he started to act the way he has been towards you."

I thought for a moment, sighed and then replied, "Sunday."

"Sunday?"

"Well yes, although there were some things before that that people have brought to my attention."

"Then start with that."

"Alright, Hannah…she was my maid…she told me on a few occasions that she didn't like the way he looked at me, or acted around me for that matter."

"How was he acting?"

I shrugged, "Oddly, look Harry I really don't understand why…"

"Because, there's something you're not telling me! You knew he knew about us and yet you held it back from me!"

"I didn't do it intentionally!" I screamed back, then realizing the volume of my voice, I lowered it quickly, "I thought that if I just forgot about it that maybe he would too."

"Well it doesn't seem that he has. He knows you were in my room that night and…"

"And what, obviously he knows that we…made love…and I really don't care!"

"You don't care? What about when he tells your Nan? What's going to happen then?"

I knew what would happen; Cal's anger would have nothing on Nan's. She would ruin Harry and bury me in some convent in some far off country. I didn't want Harry to know I was scared of that though.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"NOTHING! You do love me don't you? Aren't you willing to fight for what we have together?"

"Of course I am, why the hell do you think I want to know what this bastard has been doing?" he said with a sudden gentleness to his voice, "Tell me Sarah, please."

We looked at one another for a moment; his eyes were on mine the whole time. Neither one of us seemed to notice that one was half dressed and the other only had a blanket covering them, we just looked at one another. It gave me reassurance and finally I began to tell him.

"Sunday, after the church services in the dining room, we; Rose, Aunt Ruth, Cal and myself, were invited by Mr. Andrews to tour the ship. He took us all around first class and finally up to the boat deck, that's when I saw you on the bridge…"

"…you looked so beautiful that day." he said, remembering with me.

I smiled as the memory of the way he had looked at me from across the bridge and the tingle I had gotten when he had purposely brushed his hand up against mine, swept into my mind. I soon went back to my story though.

"After we had left and we walking back down the deck Jack came up behind Rose, grabbed her and pulled her into the gym and I distracted the others, somehow knowing what his intentions were. Later, after tea, I talked to her about it and she told me what he had said and I encouraged her go to him, and she told me she would as long as I gave up the reservations I had about you."

"Reservations?"

"I'll get to that later…we both agreed and she went to find Jack while I went to get ready for dinner. I got dressed went down to the dining room and sat with Polly and Charles. Cal approached me a few minutes later, and asked if he could speak to me…"

I explained how Cal had asked me about Rose, and what I had said to him, and then I told him about what he had said to me after all of that,

"…he looked at me with a soft expression and said that I would never do the kind of things that she had been doing and how beautiful I looked…it made me feel very uneasy."

Harry jaw began to tighten and I realized it wouldn't be long before he was just as angry as before, so I rushed to continue.

"After dinner I went to my room and got a coat before coming to see you. I was waiting on out the deck and Jimmy had found me and well you know the rest."

He nodded with a slight smile, breaking the tension. "Yes, I do."

I smiled back at him and then continued, "When I left I went straight back to my room and as soon I had laid my head down on the pillow, I heard the engines stop. I didn't think anything of it and went back to bed, and then Aunt Ruth came into the room and told me Cal had been robbed…" I told him all about the necklace and Jack being arrested, how I thought it was staged and about Rose's reluctance to do anything about it. Then I got to the part about Aunt Ruth.

"You told her!"

"She already knew she just wanted me to admit it. Nan hates her and there's no reason for me to try and be polite when she constantly refers to me as a whore like my mother. Besides Nan wouldn't believer her anyway."

"What did your mother do to her?"

Angry that he would actually think that, I was unable to hold back my screams. "Absolutely nothing! And if you dare to think otherwise…"

"It was only a question; just go on, alright…"

I sighed deeply and as soon as I felt a bit better I continued, explaining how I had tried to reason with Rose, "…I kept trying to convince her that he hadn't done anything, even after we were led outside and about to get into a lifeboat. Then Cal said something to her, I'm not sure what, but something inside of her snapped and she ran back inside and I followed her."

I stopped and waited for his reaction, but his face remained in the same expression. I was puzzled, expecting to get scolded for not getting into the lifeboat when I had the chance, but he didn't say anything. It was like he had already heard it before. I knew that couldn't be and shrugged away the thought. I went on and told him everything that had happened below the deck; the water, grabbing the watch, finding Jack and everything else.

"…she told me to come find you, that you could help and I did, when I got up on the deck I didn't even have a chance to look for you when Lovejoy found me, that's Cal's valet…" I proceeded to tell him about what he had said to me, and how scared I was, and then Cal had come. "…he asked me where she was and I told him I didn't know, then…"

"Then what?"

Just like Harry, I seemed to be hearing these memories for the first time. I had put them so far back in my head that I had trouble believing that I was the one who had lived them. I specifically remembered hearing gunshots, but the idea of that seemed ridiculous. Why would someone be firing a gun on the Titanic?

"Um…well Cal was distracted by… I guess it was the sound of a gun being fired but that sounds crazy doesn't it? It's what I remember but I think I may be confused or…"

"A gun?"

I nodded and then paused when I saw the look on his face, it resembled the look a child has when they've been caught doing something naughty. "I was hearing things…wasn't I?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "How would I know?" He averted his eyes from me and instructed me to continue.

I told him about running away from Cal and how I hurt myself, and then when Cal had caught up with me and then what he had said.

As I recounted the words Cal had said to me; how he knew about Harry and I and every climatic part of our relationship and how he had threatened to tell Nan. Then I reluctantly told him Cal's chilling desire that still made me cringe; he intended to marry me. I then skipped ahead to what had happened on the Carpathia, not quite ready to relive the terrifying last memories I had of Rose and the ship sinking.

Heaving a sigh, Harry rose from the bed and went to the window. Crossing his arms over his chest he looked out it for a moment and then turned back to me, his face was red and his lips pursed tightly shut. It was odd, but I would rather have had him yell and shout curse then be like he was; eerily quiet.

"I don't want him near you." he said in a very flat and unnerving voice.

I didn't argue. I didn't want him near me either, but somehow saying that aloud didn't seem like a good idea to me. Just the tension and anxiety emitting from Harry was enough to tell me than he needed to hear only his own words and thoughts and mine would just complicate the situation further.

"I hope you plan on telling your Grandmother and brother about this."

Silence was my answer and he looked at me like I was mad.

"WHAT…" he noticed his volume and lowered his voice quickly, "…what are you thinking? You're turning your back on the ocean, pretending it's not there, but it is and it's going to kill you if you aren't careful. You need to tell her, Sarah."

I averted my eyes from him, no longer wanting to see his angry face with such caring eyes looking at me. I didn't want to be told that my decision was wrong when I knew very well it was. I just wanted to forget about everything.

"Sarah, listen to me!" he came back to the bed and took me by the shoulders and turned me to him, forcing me to look at him. "You're acting like a child, do you know that?"

"I am a child!" Immediately after I said that I realized how obtuse it sounded and regretted that I had even opened my mouth.

He let me go, "Fair enough. You're only 17, I'm almost 30 this was bound to happen sooner or later." he got up and I instantly reached for him, but he brushed me away, "You can't have it both ways, I'm not going to marry someone who claims to be both an adult and child. Do you realize how much responsibility there is in marriage?"

I shook my head.

"Then why did you say 'Yes' when I asked you to be my wife?"

"Because I do want to marry you." my voice was small and meek as I spoke.

He looked at me and shook his head, "You're not ready."

"Of course I am!"

"Sarah, really you probably can't even boil water on your own. You're young and naïve and I'm sorry I took advantage of you like this. You're meant to live the same life your mother and grandmother did; marrying a millionaire and having servants to wait on you. Perhaps marrying Hockley won't be all that bad, just make sure to give him a son, his type is all about that…"

I had heard enough!

"How dare you!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I began to quiver with tears as I fought him, "You are malicious and…and I'm not sure what else, but you obviously don't love me the way I thought you did! It's as if you are deliberately trying to upset me and make me feel…" I stopped and suddenly realized what he was doing. There was a small smile on his face and he crossed his arms over his chest and looked at me with a satisfied stare.

"You don't want that to happen do you?"

I shook my head. "You're very devious."

He came back to the bed and sat down next to me, "It's time to grow up, Sarah."

I nodded, "I'll tell them…I promise."

He kissed my forehead and pulled me into his arms. I rested my head on his chest and apologized for not telling him about Cal and for what I had said to him. He pulled away from me and looked at me with a serious expression,

"You realize that I'm always going to be older than you. When you're 20, I'll already be past 30, when you're 30 I'll be…"

"I don't care," I interrupted, pushing myself back into his arms, "And, just to let you know, I do know how to boil water, I just always seem to burn it."

He started laughed, it echoed out through his chest and into my ears and it was as beautiful as any song could ever be, "I can see the headlines now… 'Extra Extra newlyweds die of starvation near kitchen full of food'"

I joined him with my own laughter and was glad for the moment. I felt a lot better having said all of those things to him that had been weighing heavily on me for so long. It wasn't long before I got up and dressed, realizing how late it had gotten. I kissed him goodbye and left the room walking down the hallway with happiness practically bursting from my seams. I was more in love with him now than ever before and to make it even grander, we no longer had any secrets from one another, and for that I couldn't have been happier.


	34. My Heart Will Go On

**I decided it would be best to put up dates for everyone so you'll start seeing that at the beginning of chapters from now on. The less confusion the better, right: ) Liz gave me the idea, even though she said it wasn't necessary : )**

**Thanks for all of your reviews! I loved each and everyone of them!**

**I'm starting on 35 now…**

Chapter 34

_April 19, 1912- Night_

Later on that evening, after I returned to my Grandfather's house I was told by Mrs. Fitzpatrick that he was out for the evening and wouldn't be home for dinner. She offered to have my meal brought up to me in my room and I both accepted and appreciated it. Leaving Harry's room had been hard enough, but having to sit through another uncomfortable meal with my Grandfather would have been beyond grueling and most likely would put me in a fowl mood.

I went upstairs to my room and shut the door behind me, relishing the fact that I was finally alone but at the same time wishing for Harry's company. No epic novelist or playwright would ever be able to properly capture my exhilaration the moment those elevator doors opened to reveal him standing there; looking every bit the gentleman in his new suit, but at the same time still holding that stern yet playful expression on his face.

I thought of that with a smile as I went to the vanity and began to pull the pins from my hair. One after one I pulled them out until finally every strand of my hair fell past my shoulders in long waves. I ran my brush through it all the while looking at myself with scrutiny, wondering if anything on the outside shone what was happening on the inside.

I felt older, and if I wasn't mistaken there was something in my eyes that gave it away. Nan had seen it, but it wasn't until now that I confirmed it for myself. I was no longer a child, a fact that had only been revealed to me a few hours before. It's not that I still thought of myself that way, I just couldn't clearly remember when the transformation had taken place. I took great pains in only using a mirror when totally necessary thanks to the thousands of sermons my teachers and others had burned into my consciousness over the years about vanity being a sin and only for those who were ugly on the inside and such. So it was understandable that I couldn't recollect growing from a girl into a young woman.

I looked at myself; going from my green eyes to my fair skin to my long hair that shone almost like gold in the dim light of my room. I wasn't ugly, I thought, but I wasn't a great beauty either. Now Rose, she had always been beautiful, even as a child she managed to grab people's attention. I had always envied her red hair, wishing I could have something that distinguished me from the thousands of other girls around me.

Thinking of a young Rose got me to thinking of Rose and I when we were children. As young girls, Rose and I generally only saw one another during the summer months when I was home from school. I had mixed memories of those occasions, some happy and some not so happy.

Nan's home outside of Philadelphia is a vast estate containing the large 150 room house, stables, gardens and even a private lake. Rose, George and I being Nan's only grandchildren spent many happy hours on the grounds we were young and were allowed to go where we pleased whenever we wanted to. Since Rose's birthday was in July, Nan would always insist Aunt Ruth and Uncle John let her come to stay for a few days. It was like a tradition for a few years; Rose's birthday was the 26th and usually around the 23rd Aunt Ruth would send her out there to us and for a few days Nan would make sure we were spoiled beyond belief.

The year she turned 8, there was a circus, literally; elephants, clowns, horses with long manes of braided hair. When she was 10; a magician with white rabbits for each of us. As we got older, the celebrations became more mature, with dinner parties and dances. I know I can safely say that neither one of us welcomed this change, but it was just part of life.

_Birthdays, I thought._

For a few months out of the year Rose and I were the same age, but I always felt as if she much older than I was. We were almost exactly six months apart in age, her being born the 26th of July 1894 and I, the 24th of January 1895. She was the older sister I never had, and I followed her everywhere, wanting to be just like her. It was always like that, until I arrived in Southampton just weeks ago.

She had changed and just now as I wondered if my own change was noticeable, hers had been. Her eyes no longer sparkled, her smile was non existent even the color of her skin had gone from a healthy glow to a drab peach color. There was no mistaking the moment when all of that disappeared and the true Rose came back to life; the night Jack held her in his arm and swung her around the dance floor, when he awakened something inside of her that had nearly suffocated under all of properness and etiquette that had been dumped on her over and over again. That was also the same night Harry told me he loved me.

What a night for lovers that had been. Like the Goddess of Love herself had sprang from the sea, born from the foam and waves, so had the love that we all shared. I felt lucky, not only because I had been fortunate to be a part of the love that Harry and I shared, but also because we were still alive to share it. Wherever Rose and Jack were, they were together. They didn't have to worry about half the things that Harry and I did, but at the same time they wouldn't get to experience the things that we would either; marriage, having a family, growing older together. And after tonight I felt even more confident about all of that. I no longer felt that I had to be afraid of Cal because I knew Harry would be there.

I went back to my reflection and smiled, deciding that I my face did show off my newfound maturity and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before I let my love for Harry come out of hiding and be seen as well.

_Some time, later across town…_

I had just finished washing up and brushing my teeth in preparation to turn in for the night when someone knocked on my door. I immediately thought it was Sarah and didn't even bother to put on my pajama shirt and with a towel still over my shoulder I flung the door open.

It wasn't Sarah, it wasn't even anyone I expected it to be, in fact I never in a million years thought I would see her standing at my door. I didn't think she'd be stupid enough to risk being caught.

_Rose._

"What are you doing here?" I managed to ask through gritted teeth while pulling her into my room. I checked the hall to make sure that no one had seen before coming back into the room and shutting the door quickly.

She looked better than she had the last time I had seen her, even though she was still a far cry from the first class princess she was. Her long hair had been brushed and pulled away from her face and a scarf was wrapped snuggly around her head, I guessed because she didn't want to be seen.

"I'm sorry I had to come."

"After all that you've done to make everyone think your dead you're going to show up in the same hotel your fiancé and Grandmother are staying in! Not to mention countless of other Titanic survivors…"

"No one saw me, I made sure of that." she replied as if it were nothing. She removed her scarf and hung it over the chair while I looked at her in bewilderment. "And Cal is no longer my fiancé by the way…don't look at me like that. I took precautions alright, in the meantime would you mind putting on a robe."

I flushed realizing I was only have dressed and reached for my robe. I removed the towel and put on my robe while she went to the window and looked out over the lights of the city below us.

"How is Sarah?" she asked, not looking up.

I tied the belt of the robe, "Full of guilt."

"Guilt?" she turned to me with her eyebrows rose in question, "Why on earth…oh no…" in her mind I could tell she had figured why Sarah thought that way, "The lifeboat." she replied.

I nodded and sat down in the chair she had laid her scarf over just moments before, "She's gotten better since we've reached New York, but it's still on her mind."

"Poor thing, I didn't realize…"

"Well, Rose there is a lot of things you didn't realize. Sarah's guilt is only the beginning. That fiancé of yours has his eyes set on her and I blame you for it."

"I told you ex-fiancé, and why in the world do you blame me?"

"If you hadn't of done what you did then he would have kept it to himself!"

"Obviously you don't know Cal very well. If he wants something he'll get it, no matter what! And how dare you talk to me that way, I've done nothing to you!"

"NOTHING! DID YOU SWALLOW TOO MUCH SEAWATER?" I lowered my voice even though I wanted to blow up at her, "This whole time she's been mourning you I have to sit there holding her, wiping away her tears when I know I can stop her pain altogether." Rose's face fell, but I pressed on, "I'm amazed that I've made it this far without giving it away. She's told her Grandmother and brother about me and they took it very well so there's no reason for me to not tell her…"

"Didn't I explain this to you once before!" she spun towards me in astonishment, "You can't tell her and you know exactly why." She walked over to me as she spoke until she was right in my face. I stood up and towered over her,

I did know why, it wasn't going to be easy to forget that conversation we had. "I won't let any of that happen!"

"What are you going to do? There's no way you can stop what would happen if she found out and then everyone else figures out that she knew…"

"They're not going to! You are basing your decision off a something that has very little chance of happening. I could tell her tomorrow and no one could ever find out and she wouldn't have to mourn you anymore and could go on with her life…"

"And that's how they would know! Wouldn't it look strange that my cousin, a girl who loved me and grew up with me, who was a sister to me, didn't mourn openly for my death…especially when they can't find my body? You're not thinking about this like I am," she rested her hand on my arm and it brought me back down from the height my rage had carried me, "Please, don't tell her. I know it's hard, I really do. I was in the crowd when she met George, she actually had arms to welcome her home, and I had none. I spent last night at the Red Cross center, alone on a hard cot, while she went back to soft feather pillows and silk sheets. Its better this way, trust me."

I shook my head, "There has to be another way."

"There isn't. Things will get better though, in a few months I'll seem like a distant memory."

"Somehow I don't think so."

"Whether you think it or not, it is the truth. Everything will work out, who knows this time next year you and Sarah could be married."

I nodded as she sat down on the bed across from me. I returned to my place in the chair trying to take in what she had just said to me. I still didn't like it, but just as before she had me convinced. I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize my future with Sarah. I looked over at Rose and saw for the first time how pale she was.

"Are you alright?"

She looked up and mustered up a brave yet totally forged smile, "Of course, I'm fine."

"Why did you come here?"

It was odd, but I could have swore I saw her go from a mature adult to a scared child in a matter of seconds, "I guess I just wanted to see a friendly face." she replied in an uneven voice.

I felt for her and got up from my spot in the chair and sat next to her on the bed and put a comforting arm around her, much like a brother would do for a sister. She looked at me grateful for the comfort of being held by another human being.

"Thank you."

"Your welcome."

"You don't have to comfort me, I don't deserve it…"

"Stop right there, you did what you had to do, even if I don't agree with it. I'll always be here for you Rose."

"Sarah's so lucky."

I smiled down at her and tilted her head towards my shoulder and let her have her moment.

Her soft red curls were pressed up against my cheek and to anyone who could have walked in and seen this it would have looked bad, but she had no one else and that was the complete truth. To her family she was dead and although I wasn't Jack, I could give her at least some consolation.

I was the only one who could.


	35. Character List

**Sarah's Family**

Sarah Corynn Wilkes _January 24, 1895_

Rose Bernice Dewitt-Bukater(Dawson) _July 26, 1894_

Ruth Montgomery Dewitt-Bukater _February 11, 1867_

Hailey Abbott Montgomery _July 19, 1844_

George Tucker Wilkes _May 17, 1890_

Jared Hudson Wilkes _October 27, 1842_

Corynn Montgomery Wilkes_ February 4, 1870_

_**deceased (Sarah's Mother)**_

Jonathan Jared Wilkes_ July 5, 1866_

_**deceased (Sarah's Father)**_

Meagan Bowen Wilkes_ March 11, 1845_

_**deceased (Sarah's grandmother)**_

**Harry's Family**

Harold Godfrey Lowe _November 21, 1882_

George Edward Lowe _January 22, 1848_

_**(Harry's father)**_

Emma Harriet Quick Lowe _November 12, 1860_

_**(Harry's mother)**_

George Edward Lowe Jr. _June 11, 1878_

_**deceased (Harry's brother)**_

Ada Lowe Blackwell_ September 19, 1880_

_**(Harry's sister)**_

Parry William Blackwell_ March 29, 1877_

_**(Ada's husband)**_

Nicholas 'Cole' William Blackwell _July 17, 1902_

_**(Ada's son)**_

Elin Winifred Blackwell _December 23, 1907_

_**(Ada's daughter)**_

Mabli Catrin Blackwell_ January 6, 1909_

_**(Ada's daughter)**_

Edgar Davis Lowe_ September 4, 1885_

_**(Harry's brother)**_

Mary Howell Lowe_ May 27, 1891_

_**(Edgar's wife)**_

Gwendolyn Mary Lowe_ October 1, 1911_

_**(Edgar's daughter)**_

Anne Lowe Mills_November 16, 1887_

_**(Harry's sister)**_

Collen James Mills _April 9, 1882_

_**(Anne's husband)**_

Dylan Edward Mills _February 14, 1909_

_**(Anne's son)**_

Arthur William Lowe _November 16, 1887_

_**(Harry's brother)**_

Frederick James Lowe _August 2, 1890_

_**(Harry's brother)**_

Edward Matthew Lowe _March 1, 1893_

_**(Harry's brother)**_

**Cal's Family**

Caledon James Hockley_ August 29, 1881_

Nathan William Hockley _December 5, 1850_

Eugenia Baxter Hockley_ April 1, 1862_

_**(Cal's Mother)**_

Virginia Hockley Moore_ June 13, 1885 _

Hamilton Adam Moore _April 5, 1879_

_**(Virginia's husband)**_

Nathan "Nate' Christopher Moore _January 31, 1903_

_**(Virginia's son)**_

Taylor Jacob Hockley_March 3, 1890_

**Jack's Family**

Jack Robert Dawson _December 14, 1892 _

_**Deceased **_

**Polly's Family**

Polly Brooks Hanson_ October 5, 1891_

Charles Andrew Hanson_ March 2, 1885_

_**Deceased**_

Eleanor Jane Hanson_ February 27, 1911_

Robert Andrew Hanson_ February 27, 1911_

Lillian Lucas Brooks_ November 22, 1845_

_**(Polly's Grandmother)**_


	36. Sweet Surrender

**Whew! I've got two chapters for you guys…TA DA!**

**Thanks for all your reviews, I loved each and everyone of them, as I always do!**

**I decided to call this Chapter 36 since technically Chapter 35 was the family tree. Originally 36 and 37 were one chapter but with the hearings it got to be too long so I separated them. I'm putting the finishing touches on 37 right now and hope to have it up soon : )**

Chapter 36

April 20, 1912

I woke up the next morning in an uncomfortable position on the sofa in my room; a blanket was tied in a knot around my left leg and there was a dull cramp in my neck. I got up and stretched and wiped the sleep out of my eyes and looked over to the bed and saw that Rose was still fast asleep.

I couldn't bring myself to turn her away last night knowing that she could end up on some park bench, so I was a gentleman and graciously gave her my bed while I took the sofa. It was around midnight, well after she had gone to sleep that I seriously regretted my decision, the sofa was too narrow and too short to offer me any kind of rest and I nearly thought "To hell with it" and got into the bed anyway, but I held myself back. This only went to show that my mother had done her job well when raising me.

"Rose." I shook her softly, trying my best not to startle her awake. It took a moment but her eyes finally opened and she looked around the room looking lost for a moment and then to me where she remembered where she was.

"What time is it?" she asked yawning.

"Around 6."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry." she got up and swung her feet off the bed, "You probably have to go to those hearings today don't you?"

I sat down next to her on the bed, "I'm not going until this afternoon. Where are you going to go?"

She rubbed her eyes and replied that she was heading to the train station. "I think I'll just see where the wind carries me. I had a dream about California last night…have you ever been there?"

I shook my head, "No, I haven't."

She sighed, "This time yesterday I felt so lost and alone but after talking with you I feel so much better. I feel as if I could take on the world…just me, no one else."

"The world has no idea what it's in for."

She laughed, her face lighting up and washing away the pallor that had covered it the night before. She began to resemble the girl I had met on the Titanic and it was a welcome change.

"So what are you going to do, Mr. Lowe? Wisk my cousin off to some far away country and marry her in secret and have lots of babies?'

I laughed nervously, "Let's not get carried away, I still haven't met this Nan of hers yet."

She smiled, "I'd forgotten she called her that."

"Didn't you?"

"No," she replied shaking her head, "Only Sarah. She's always been 'Grandmother' to me. If you treat her as if she's the queen of the universe she'll love you."

"Queen of the universe? I think I can do that. It's her grandfather I'm really worried about though."

She frowned, "I don't know what to tell you about that." she paused and then placed her hand on top of mine, "Don't worry."

I sneered at her comment, "That's not something I expected to here from you. You're the one who's been telling me I should be concerned about everything."

"Please let's not dwell on that. As long as Sarah doesn't know about me you two will be fine, granted the road isn't going to be easy, but you'll eventually get there."

I wanted to ask if she thought it would have been the same for her and Jack, but thought it to be soon to bring up something like that.

She left a few minutes later; with my well wishes and parents address in Wales and White Star Lines, just in case she ever needed to get in touch with me.

"Won't people get suspicious if you get letters from an unknown woman?"

"People should learn to mind their own business."

"What about Sarah?"

I hesitated then answered, "Don't worry about that."

It killed me to say that. I had never given Sarah a reason not to trust me, but here I was doing the most untrustworthy thing I could do to her; harboring her 'dead' cousins secret.

_God, forgive me. _ I thought as I watched Rose put the scarf back over her head to hide her identity and then bid her good-bye. I shut the door and then went about getting ready for the day, pushing down the bad feeling I had about Sarah and hoping that if she ever did find out she would be able to forgive me.

_Meanwhile…_

The hearings being held in the hotel were closed off to the public, only senate members and other influential government officials were allowed in and of course my Grandfather being the man he is was part of that group.

At breakfast the next morning he greeted me with his usual grim greeting, but as soon as I sat down he put down his paper and looked me over, "I'm not sure I like your choice in attire this morning, Sarah."

I looked down at the dress I was wearing; black of course with a high white color, "Grandfather, what's wrong with it?"

"Nothing if you were just planning on spending the day at home, but I plan on attending the hearings this afternoon and you will there beside me and I want you looking your best."

"I'm not sure I understand." I replied as Nora came around and poured some tea into my cup.

He folded up his paper and sighed heavily, "I was once a senator myself of this great state and I have a reputation to hold up. You are my granddaughter and are expected to be well bred young woman; this includes your choice in fashion." he lifted his coffee cup to take a sip and quickly added, "And I'm sure Hailey would agree with me."

"She would not agree with my being in a setting like that."

He swallowed the hot coffee and put the cup back onto the saucer, "There is nothing wrong with you learning the reality of what happened. You're old enough to handle it and besides if I were you I would like to know exactly what transpired that night. What you're going to read in the papers is going to be what the reporters want you to believe and you are smart girl, you deserve to know the whole truth."

I was touched that he thought of me as intelligent and almost forgot what he was trying to do, but all too quickly I remembered.

"Grandfather, I…"

"Nora, will you please escort my granddaughter upstairs and find her something more suitable to wear."

Something more 'suitable' turned out to be a dark blue dress that could have past for black if you looked at it quickly, but to me it was most clearly blue and that just didn't seem appropriate. I would admit that it was a very nice dress. It was made from a lovely satin material and had a velvet fitted bodice jacket to go with it. Nora left my hair as it was, done up just like yesterday but added some pearl combs to it.

"There, your grandfather will have a hard time arguing with this." she replied and led me back down to the dining room where my grandfather did in fact approve and I was allowed to eat breakfast. I kept my mouth pursed tightly shut during the meal, when I wasn't eating that is. I felt like I was betraying Rose's death by dressing like this, but my Grandfather obviously didn't think of it that way.

When we done he sent for his car and I gathered my coat, gloves and hat and joined him in the back seat of the car and we were driven to the Waldorf. It was just as crowded as yesterday but I felt no remorse about not staying there. It would have been nice to be near Harry, but having Cal around spoiled that thought quickly.

I followed close behind my Grandfather who was strolling ahead with his cane as more of an accessory than a walking aid. He looked so regal as he walked through the lobby that the crowd around us parted as if he were Moses and they were the Red Sea, allowing him to pass through swiftly and without detour.

"Sarah."

"Yes?" I moved up to his side quickly as he turned the corner towards the lifts.

"We'll be going to your Grandmother's suite first, tell this young man which floor." he instructed as we stopped at the lifts.

I looked over to operator, thankful it wasn't the same one I had seen yesterday and told him the 5th. He nodded and I followed Grandfather onto the lift and the doors were shut. We rose up to the 2nd, the 3rd where my heart almost stopped knowing that I was so close to Harry, but couldn't see him. I hated that feeling. Finally we reached the 5th and got off.

I led the way to Nan's suite, but allowed him to knock on the door. George opened it and greeted me with a handsome smile. He was wearing black dress pants and a crisp white shirt, over which he wore some black suspenders.

"Good Morning, Sarah, Grandfather." he kissed me on the cheek and let us into the room. Nan was sitting on the sofa and looked up when I came into the room. She closed the book in her hand and looked me over.

"Darling, what are you wearing?"

I looked down at my dress and opened my mouth to answer, but Grandfather cut me off,

"A very nice dress, Hailey. She will be my guest at the hearings this afternoon."

"Jared, I hardly think that's an appropriate place for a young girl to be." she replied without missing a beat.

George came up behind me and I looked back at him, my eyes full of worry. He looked sympathetic and put his arm around me.

"Hailey, she is my granddaughter and White Star Line needs to know that I won't stand for the endangerment they put her in. I want her to understand that as well and she won't unless she hears the whole truth."

Nan rose from her seat and her and Grandfather faced off, "I will not allow it, I am her guardian and I decide what's best for her."

"She is nearly an adult; she is old enough to know the truth!"

"Yes, I agree but you cannot subject her to that…

"Alright, I don't think this is the time or the place for this." George spoke up, he moved from behind me and went towards the two of them, "You both agree that Sarah is old enough to make her own decisions so why not let her decide whether she wants to go or not."

The three of them looked over at me and I shifted uncomfortably. The truth was I was curious and did want to go, but I didn't want to go against Nan. Yet, at the same time I was beginning to see my Grandfather in a new light. He seemed sincere in his intentions to make sure that I knew the truth about what had happened.

"Sarah?" George asked, "Would you like to go or would you rather stay with Grandmother?"

I cleared my throat, trying to avoid the subject for as long as I possibly could and then finally answered, "I would like to go."

Grandfather looked at me with pride in his eyes, something he had never done before and it made me feel good about myself, but one look at Nan and I felt just about as low as dirt. Her face went a bright pink color and she stalked from the room and into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. I almost rushed in after her and took back what I had said but George distracted me.

"Whew, you're a brave girl."

"No, she's a smart one who knows what's best for her." Grandfather replied.

Somehow I didn't think that defying Nan was smart, but I had made my choice and hoped she would understand that.


	37. Aftermath of the Storm

**Argh! This took longer to put up than I thought and man I'm in a rush! Church in the morning followed by work and I haven't been to sleep yet!**

**Anyway I know some of you have been really looking forward to the hearings and it's kind of fun to write about, albeit a little draining but that's okay, I think it'll get better as we go along.**

**I have to give a lot of credit to the Titanic Inquiry Project website for this. I did my best to follow it without totally obstructing historical facts, but at the same time not dragging the chapter on either…hope it worked!**

**I didn't have time to proof, hopefully I'll be able to get to it later, and I'm just too excited to start the next chapter.**

**Things about Sarah's mom will come out soon; I've been putting it off trying to find the perfect moment for it and another twist which will make you totally hate Cal. **

**Muahahahaha!**

Chapter 37

A half hour later Grandfather and I left the suite and headed downstairs to the conference room where the hearings were being held. When we reached the room we joined the line that was forming to go inside and soon were at the door where one of the Senators greeted us.

"Why Jared, I didn't expect to see you here." he said as we entered.

My Grandfather turned to him, "Yes, of course I Am." he turned to me, "This is my granddaughter, Sarah; she was a passenger on the Titanic. Sarah this is Mr. William Smith, he's heading the investigation."

I shook his hand, "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"And you. Come to think of it I've seen your name before…have you been asked to give your testimony?"

"Yes, I have."

"Very good. I guess I didn't realize you were Jared's granddaughter. All the more reason to find out what happened and quickly."

"I couldn't agree with you more. Come Sarah, let's find our seats."

"It was nice to meet you, Mr. Smith." I said before Grandfather whisked me away to a cluster of chairs near the window. The room was crowded and I was having trouble maneuvering through the crowd and chairs. I moved quickly past someone in order to keep up with my Grandfather and then realized I had gotten into the way and turned to him to apologize,

"Quite alright." he replied and then winked at me.

I was so frazzled that it took me a second or two to realize that it was Harry. Grandfather, who was right next to me, looked at me and then at Harry and I could feel the tension rising between the three of us.

"Do you know this young man, Sarah?"

I peeled my eyes away from Harry and looked to Grandfather. "I uh…well yes, he was the ship's fifth officer."

"Mr. Lowe?" My Grandfather was smart and tended to know everything about everything, so I wasn't surprised that he knew Harry, but I think Harry was.

"Yes, sir, Harold Lowe."

Grandfather nodded curtly and shook the hand that Harry had offered, "Nice to meet you young man, how did you meet my granddaughter?"

I held my breath; he didn't waste anytime did he?

I looked at Harry and saw the apprehension and I could actually feel his fear inside of me, I had to do something.

"We were introduced by Captain Smith, you knew him didn't you Grandfather?"

Grandfather turned to me his eyes suddenly becoming small. "Yes, yes I did. He was a good man."

"I completely agree with you sir, benevolent and honorable." Harry spoke up.

Grandfather turned back to him, his gaze on him not as fierce, "It always gives me joy when the young have high opinions of their elders, and it shows the making of a pristine individual. Very good on you, young man."

"Thank you, sir."

"My Granddaughter and I were just about to take our seats, would you like to join us?"

I could feel my eyes nearly pop from the sockets. This couldn't be happening? The last time a man had ever dared talk to me in the presence of my grandfather he was immediately fired from the law firm in Pittsburgh that had employed him, where he was well on his way to becoming partner. What was so different about Harry? Don't get me wrong, I was beyond happy that he and Harry were actually having a civil conversation, but something about it just seemed odd to me.

I told myself I should just be happy and forget that nagging thought though and Harry and I both followed my Grandfather to a row of three chairs by the window. Grandfather was on my right and Harry on my left. It was odd being in between the two of them; Harry sat rather stiffly next to me and Grandfather was rattling on about something or the other with a man next to him. He soon got up however and excused himself for a moment to go talk to someone else. As soon as he was out of sight and earshot Harry leaned over towards me.

"That's who I've been frightened of?"

"I don't understand what happened." I said, shaking my head with confusion, "There must be something about you…"

"Well thank you." he said with that smile of his.

"Harry…"

Grandfather was coming back and Harry and I quickly parted and sat upright in our seats.

"They will be starting any moment now." he announced

And sure enough they did. The room was brought to order and everyone fell silent as Mr. Smith began to speak;

"Gentlemen, I am very sorry to have delayed beginning the hearing beyond the hour set this morning, but a conference between my colleagues and myself made it necessary. I am going to proceed this morning by asking Mr. Cottam, the Marconi operator on the Carpathia to take the witness chair again."

The man I presumed to be Mr. Cottam, took the witness chair next the table of senators, while Grandfather quickly filled me in on what had happened the day before. Both Mr. Ismay, who I didn't even know had survived and Captain Rostron, the captain of the Carpathia, had spoken. So had Mr. Marconi and Mr. Lightoller. Mr. Cottam was now continuing his testimony.

"Mr. Cottam, you detailed yesterday, when you were last interrogated by the committee, the work that you did on the Carpathia up to the time of the last message received from the Titanic." Senator Smith stated as he rose from his seat.

Mr. Cottam nodded, "Yes, sir."

"And to that message you made reply, by direction of the captain?"

He answered that he had and Senator Smith moved on, "Will you relate the captain's last message to the Titanic?"

"The captain sent a message to the effect that they were to have their lifeboats ready. We had got ours ready and were steaming as fast as we could in the direction of the position of the vessel given." he said without hesitation.

Senator Smith nodded, "Was anything further said?"

"No, sir."

"And you received no further response to that message?"

"No, sir."

Senator Smith then asked what had happened after he had arrived at the scene of the disaster, if he had been in any contact with other ships and such and Mr. Cottam told him that he had been.

"I had one or two from the Baltic, sir." he told him, and Senator Smith asked for details of the messages. I could see Harry from the corner of my eye listening carefully to what was being said and then with a quick glance to my right I could see Grandfather doing the same. I was the only female in the room and it seemed I was the only one who found the whole scene before me disconcerting.

Senator Smith wanted the truth about what had happened and I understood that, but the wounds were still open and fresh. Maybe it was a bad idea to come here, the effects of what had happened were still with me and listening to them speak of it I was reliving moments I would have much rather forgotten, but I was already here and I couldn't just walk out. So I sat there, trying my best to be as composed and impassive as the men I was surrounded by.

"I will ask you specifically whether you received any message indicating a desire or suggestion that the true state of things be kept as confidential." Senator Smith asked.

"I informed the Baltic of the whole catastrophe about half past 10 in the morning, the morning after the wreck." Mr. Cottam told him.

Senator Smith began to pace as he spoke, "At half past 10 o'clock?"

"At half past 10 o'clock."

"On Monday morning following the loss of the Titanic?"

"Yes, sir."

Over the next few minutes I did learn that the Baltic, although heading towards the direction of the where the Titanic had sunk, the Carpathia had little communication with her. Senator Smith pressed Mr. Cottam for more details about this until he was sure that he had gotten everything out that Mr. Cottam knew with a certainty. It was also mentioned that the captain of the Carpathia had originally wanted to take the survivors to Halifax, but later decided on New York. Senator Smith pressed for information about this.

"You say the captain was bound for Halifax?"

Yes, sir

How do you know?

I went and asked the captain, sir. Three or four ships around about wanted to know where we were bound for, and the captain said he was not decided, he thought he was bound for Halifax; but later on in the morning he changed his mind.

"About what time? Was it forenoon?"

"It may have been about noon."

"Did you at any time on Monday send a message to the Baltic, or to any other office, to the effect that all passengers had been saved, and that the Titanic was being towed to Halifax?"

At the mention of this my confusion became aroused. Why would the senator wish to know about something like that? I looked over at Grandfather who saw my bewilderment; he leaned over to me and spoke quietly;

'There was a rumor in the papers that the Titanic had been saved and it and the passengers were being towed to Halifax."

"What? I never heard that."

"Just listen."

I nodded and turned my attention back to Senator Smith and Mr. Cottam. Senator Smith was handed a piece of paper by another senator from the table and he held up and looked at Mr. Cottam;

"If the White Star Line sent the following telegram, dated New York, April 15 ,'_J.A Hughes Huntington, W. Va. Titanic proceeding to Halifax. Passengers will probably land there Wednesday. All safe. 'They_ did not obtain this information from you?"

"No, sir."

Senator Smith sighed heavily, and gave the slip of paper back. He asked Mr. Cottam if there was anyway any other officer or crew member on the Carpathia could have sent the telegram and Mr. Cottam informed him that he was the only one on duty and it was that way until Mr. Bride, the wireless operator from the Titanic who I remembered meeting, had come up to help him on Wednesday afternoon. However, even then Mr. Cottam never left the vicinity of his instrument.

They then spoke of Mr. Bride, who had apparently been hurt and still managed to help Mr. Cottam, which I thought to be very admirable of him. They then discussed Mr. Cottam's actions after he had received the C.Q.D from the Titanic and how he had informed Captain Rostron. He told us how he had relayed the message to other ships and when he had last heard from the Titanic.

When Senator Smith was finally satisfied with his testimony he told him that he may step down.

Shortly after that Mr. Bride himself was called to the witness chair. He was helped by two other men while he hobbled on a pair of crutches. I could see that both of his feet had been bandaged tightly and my heart went out to him.

The first portion of his testimony was quite dull. The questions ranged from where his home was to how he knew Mr. Philips, the other operator who sadly had not survived. While the subject of his background was being discussed I allowed my composure to fall a bit and began to pull at a loose string on the sleeve of my jacket. Grandfather saw me and pretended to clear his throat to get my attention. I immediately snapped back up as he looked on at me with a disapproving gaze. I held my breath until he turned back to the scene before us and finally let it all out. I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to do that.

While I sat their chastising myself I felt Harry's hand come up next to mine and touched it softly. I smiled and allowed him to hook his pinky with mine and pull my hand down off my lap and to the side where my grandfather wouldn't be able to see and he took my hand into his and squeezed it tightly.

We kept them clasped together until Mr. Bride began to speak of Sunday. I could feel Harry's reluctance to let go, but he did and I slyly slipped my own hand back into my lap as I listened.

"There was a message delivered to the captain in the afternoon, sir, late in the afternoon, regarding…"

"Of Sunday?"

"Yes, sir."

"Go ahead."

"Regarding the ice field."

"From whom?"

"The Californian, sir."

"At what hour on Sunday?"

"It may not have been the Californian, but I can give you the call signal of the ship; it is "M. W. L." You can ascertain that later."

Senator Smith nodded and told Mr. Bride to continue.

"I received that message myself and delivered it to the captain. It stated that there were three large icebergs that the ship had just passed, and it gave their position."

My thoughts went back to that Sunday morning when Mr. Andrews had taken us to the bridge. It was such a beautiful afternoon; bright and with a clear blue sky. I could almost smell that wonderful fresh, salty air. It was as if I were back there, in that pretty blue dress. My hair was down and off to the side in a white ribbon and I had just felt Harry's hand softly touch my own as he passed by me. Captain Smith had approached me;

"So nice to see you again, Miss Wilkes."

"And you, Captain Smith."

"Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Yes, sir. Very much."

"That's wonderful."

He gave me a warm smile and then turned to Mr. Andrews. They spoke for a moment before Mr. Bride had come up to the Captain carrying a slip of paper.

"Another ice warning sir…"

I remembered the look on Rose's face; apprehension with a mixture of fear, but the captain calmly assured her that it was nothing to worry about.

"…quite normal for this time of year…"

I felt sick as those words echoed in my head. He knew, he knew what we were heading towards. And yet he kept going, as fast as he possibly could. I felt myself near tears as I thought that everything could have been avoided if only he had actually listened to the warning.

I shook my head and through my anxiety I threw my attention back towards Mr. Bride and Senator Smith and another man who had stood up a few chairs down from me who claimed to know that M. W. L was indeed the code signal for the Californian. He identified himself as an engineer for the Marconi Company named Frederick Sammis.

After that Mr. Bride went on telling the room what had happened after the accident and that the Frankfurt was the first ship to respond to the C.Q.D that Mr. Philips sent out. He said that he reported it to the Captain who was on the boat deck at the time and after he had done so he returned to Mr. Philips who then received a reply from the Carpathia, who said they had turned around and were coming a full speed towards the Titanic. He took the message to Captain Smith who was now in the wheelhouse and the captain came back to the wireless room with him and asked what other ships they had been in contact with.

Apparently when the captain had come back Mr. Philips was in contact with the Olympic and the captain estimated the distance between the Carpathia and the Titanic.

They conversed about the other ships that had responded, including the Frankfurt, the first to respond, but who never gave the Titanic her position, which Mr. Bride had confessed upset him and Mr. Philips.

Senator Smith soon ended his questioning of Mr. Bride and called Mr. Cottam back to the stand.

"Did you receive any message from the Frankfurt?" he immediately asked him.

"No, sir; none whatever."

"Do you know of any being sent from the Carpathia to the Frankfurt?"

"No, sir."

"You did not pick up any stray messages?"

"No, sir."

"All right."

He excused Mr. Cottam and asked Mr. Bride to come back to the stand. Grandfather was speaking to the gentleman next to him again and I looked over at Harry. He gave me a comforting smile and mouthed 'I love you' which made me feel normal once again. All three of us turned our attention back to Mr. Bride as he began to speak.

Senator Smith asked if it was necessary for the Frankfurt, obviously a German ship, to understand the English language is order to know what C.Q.D meant and Mr. Bride told him that no, it didn't."

"It's an international signal." he informed him.

Mr. Bride also informed the senator that Mr. Philips had judged the Frankfurt to be closer than the Carpathia given the strength in their signals. Senator Smith seemed obviously chagrined by this and went to the table to make a note to himself. He then returned to Mr. Bride

I had to give the senator credit for his questions. He was very to the point and clear and demanded to have the same kind of answers. Everyone wanted answers and he was determined to get them.

The questioning went on and on. When they began to talk about the sinking in general I could feel myself becoming uneasy and tried to block as much out as I could about it. I wasn't ready to hear any of that. I could feel Harry's eyes on me from time to time and knew that he felt for me, and I wanted nothing more than to be comforted him by him but it wasn't the time or the place.

Mr. Bride described his ordeal and his view of the sinking. He told how he had been in the water when the ship had gone under and then it was discussed how many of the bodies may have been sucked under with the ship. At that point I totally cut myself off. I couldn't think of Rose, Jack, Hannah, Charles, Captain Smith, Mr. Andrews, or anyone else being trapped in the Titanic at the bottom of the Atlantic, miles away from the surface. It made me positively nauseous with grief.

Thankfully it wasn't long after that that Mr. Bride finished his testimony and a recess was announced. I began to find my normal breathing pattern as the crowd began to file out of the room. Mr. Lightoller and Mr. Boxhall who were seating nearby came up to Harry and began to speak with him, while Grandfather got up to go speak with the other senators.

"I'll be right back, Sarah."

I nodded and relaxed in my chair. I peeled my gloves off of my hands and wrung them tightly in my hands trying to fight the sickness that was inside of me and the anguish that just wouldn't go away. I shouldn't have agreed to this, I should have stayed with Nan, safe and away from anything having to do with Titanic. I wished I had never set foot on that ship. I hated it, I hated everything about it. Then my voice of reason caught up with me and forced me to turn towards Harry.

He threw me a sideways smile as he spoke to Mr. Boxhall and I knew that if Titanic hadn't been in my life, then Harry wouldn't have been either. With everything going as well as it was I knew I shouldn't be tempting fate by wishing such things. Grandfather hadn't reacted to Harry the way I thought he would even if he didn't know the way we felt about one another. Of course he would come to know in time, but for now it was pleasing just to see the two of them exchange friendly words towards one another.

Grandfather returned and helped me up from my chair and we said good-bye to Harry before leaving the room and heading back upstairs to Nan's suite.


	38. Greed

**Wow thanks for the reviews everyone!**

**Sara: Thanks to you my next story will be 'The Life of Paint...From Liquid to Chips' :) hahaha thanks for saying that though, quite possibly one of the best compliments I have ever recieved!**

**Annara: Thank You Thank You!**

**Liz: Great reviews as always, even if they are in the early hours of the morning :)**

**Tipper: Hmmm the best? I don't know, there's this one 'Olivia' perhaps you've heard of it...lol. I thought I had a problem with Passions, I look on her everyday after school "Did she update, did she did she!" lol Thanks for your review, it was very VERY kind of you. Hope you like Cal's POV in this chapter...lil butthead. :)**

Chapter 38

When we arrived back at the suite George was sitting at the desk with a pile of books in front of him. He was so engrossed in what he was reading that he didn't even hear us come in. I walked over and tapped him lightly on the shoulder and he turned around, startled by my action.

"Oh you're back?" he replied.

I nodded, "They took a recess."

"Perfect timing if I do say so myself, old men like me aren't equipped to keep up with these young people." Grandfather spoke up as he sat down on the sofa.

"If you'd like to lie down, you may use my room, Grandfather."

Grandfather sighed and thought for a moment before he answered, "That sounds like a fine idea, George. That university is only enhancing your intelligence." he got up and started for the bedroom that George was using, "Wake me in about an hour."

George nodded and Grandfather went into the room and shut the door behind him.

"Where's Aunt Ruth." I asked as I looked around the room and realized I hadn't seen her at all today.

"Grandmother put her up in a room down the hall; she was beginning to test all of our patience."

"She still hasn't spoken to anyone?"

He shook his head, "She's a mean old woman, but I actually find myself feeling sorry for her."

I nodded, "I feel the same way. She has said some really horrible things to me and to you for that matter, but I don't think anyone deserves to lose someone they love, especially a child."

"I always wondered why she hated us so." he replied, getting up from the desk chair and going to the sofa, "I don't recall ever doing anything to her, do you?"

I shook my head and went to sit down next to him.

"What are you reading?" I asked, turning back to him.

"Oh, it's about the human anatomy." he said, turning back to the book and opening it for me to see.

"You have to know all of this to become a doctor?" I asked as my eyes studied the images and medical terms on the pages in front of me.

He nodded. "Well, if I was a doctor and you were my patient wouldn't you want me to know as much as possible about the human body?"

"Yes, I suppose that I would; it just seems like so much."

"It is, Sissy, that's why I'm studying." he teased.

"Oh hush." I replied as I wandered away from the desk and over the window. I passed by Nan's bedroom door and looked at it with guilt. "Is she still in there?"

George looked up and at me. He then nodded when he realized what I was asking, "Don't worry, she's probably napping. She wasn't that upset with you."

"Are you sure?"

He got up from his seat and came over to me, "Yes, I'm sure. She could never stay mad at you. Remember when you were 6 and you walked on the Persian rug in the library with muddy shoes. Twenty minutes after she yelled at you, you were in her lap cuddled in her arms reading 'Through the Looking Glass'."

I smiled as I remembered that day and he laughed. "See, you have nothing to worry about."

From his standpoint that may have been true, but I knew that I had more than my fair share of worries. He was my brother, and he didn't have to hear me say these words to know that something was indeed wrong. His eyes, so much like my own, read every word written on my face, and he slipped his arm around my shoulders.

"Do you want to talk?"

"Yes." I surprised myself by saying without even waiting for a second to pass between his words and my own.

"Come on let's go."

I smiled and let him lead me out of the room and out into the freedom that hotel corridors offered.

_Sometime later…_

**Going into Cal's POV for a spell…lol, this should be interesting.**

At first when I knocked on the door, I thought no one was there and was about to turn around when Hailey herself opened the door.

"Cal, this is a surprise, please come in."

She opened the door for me and I entered her suite and immediately went to the sofa to sit down. She followed me and sat in the high back chair across from me, "George isn't here, dear. He took Sarah downstairs." she told me.

"I actually came here to speak with you, Hailey."

"Oh?"

I cleared my throat, giving off the impression that I didn't know where to begin when in fact I had rehearsed this all last night and just a few moments ago before I left my room.

"It's about Rose."

She leaned over and patted my hand, "Oh, you sweet man, don't you worry about a thing with the funeral arrangements, I'll make sure you're a part of everything. You were her fiancé after all, and nearly my grandson-in-law."

Her ignorance was just what I wanted, she was doing exactly what I had planned for; pitying me.

I faked a grateful smile and wiped some false tears away from my eyes, "As obliged to you as I am for that, I actually wanted to talk about something else."

"Well don't let me stop you, please go on."

I began my tale. My long twisting tale of Rose's quest to make me look like the biggest idiot on the face of the planet and all in the name of lust for some scum, who was so poor he couldn't even afford a steerage passage on the Titanic, he had to win it through a "lucky" poker hand.

Hailey face changed rapidly as I told her my tale, she seemed shocked, as I expected she would be. But when it was all over and done with, she looked at me with reluctant gratitude.

"So she stayed on the ship to be with this…young man?"

I nodded, "I thought it best that you know what really happened."

"Does Ruth know?"

"Yes, she does."

She sighed and rested her chin on her hand, keeping her posture straight and sturdy in the chair, "That was a very selfish thing for her to do, but what's done is done and we can't change that now. I'm sure your ego has been bruised Cal, and for that I am sorry, but you will go on and in time you will find another girl, one who respects you the way Rose should have."

"Someone like Sarah perhaps?"

"Sarah?" she smiled down at me as if I were a small child, which infuriated me, but I kept my head level with my eyes on the prize. "Oh, Cal. Sarah isn't for you."

"I'm not saying her, for definite. Although she and I have gotten to be very close since the whole catastrophe happened."

"I can imagine so, and now that you have brought up the subject I should probably tell you that I already have someone in mind for her, someone you would approve of, your brother, Taylor."

"Taylor?" I spat, and then remembered myself; I wasn't too losing my rationality under any circumstances, "Taylor is a child himself."

She nodded, "Yes, you're right. Obviously the marriage is a few years off. He will finish school soon and I'm sure will start working for your father, and she still has so much to learn, she's actually just now starting to notice men, but your father and I have discussed it and hope to have them married within the next few years."

"Father knows about this?"

She nodded. "Oh, yes. It was his idea actually. When the plans for your wedding to Rose were starting we began to discuss it. They compliment one another so well, and the children would be absolutely beautiful. The union would be powerful and attractive."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing; this wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. She was supposed to feel pity on me and know that her favorite granddaughter couldn't have a better husband than I. What had gone wrong?

_Father. That's what had gone wrong. Having both of his sons married off to Hailey Montgomery's granddaughters would bring him more admiration and respect than he could ever wish for. The woman was more powerful than most men in our circle and when Rose was first introduced last spring there were lines of men all waiting for her, but I had gotten her. And the lines for Sarah were already forming; little did they know though that she was no longer the virgin girl they thought she was. I was nearly tempted to tell Hailey that myself, but held back. I had decided last night that the perfect time for her to know was going to be soon and I must wait or I wouldn't get near the result that I was hoping for._

I wasn't going to let Hailey, my father, or Taylor get in the way of this. She was going to be mine, one way or another. That scum Lowe, would find that out soon enough as well. What Sarah saw in him I'll never know, and how she could give herself to him was beyond my train of thought.

I should have been the first and made her mine forever. She was tainted now, but I didn't care, I had stolen before and I could do it again…


	39. So Cold

**Short chapter, but one of my better ones…if I do say so myself lol. **

**Roxy & Anarra: MUAH! Ya'll are the best!**

**Sara: Hmmm the 10 plagues HOCKLEY style lol, I like the way your mind words : ) You should like this chapter given that the relationship between George and Harry is begining to develop.**

**Charlotte: So glad I could help you rediscover TITANIC!**

**Jannell and MG: I missed you guys' reviews! Glad you're back : )**

Chapter 10

"Let me make sure I understand all of this. Cal…Cal Hockley, has been harrassing you?"

"Well, he's only really been saying things, not much el-"

"That's just as bad if not worse! Who the hell does he think he is?"

I hushed him and looked quickly around the hotel's restaurant to make sure no one had taken notice of us, "Please, I'm telling you this in confidence." I whispered.

His face was now full of blotches of red and he leaned over our table and replied through gritted teeth, "You're my sister. I'm supposed to protect you from people like that, and it's under the guise of being my friend that he gets to you. He used me and you and now he's going to pay." he sprung up from the table with a kind of fury I had never seen in him before and began to walk in swift steps out of the restaurant.

"George!"

The others in the restaurant were now all staring, but I couldn't think about that right now. "George!" I got up and ran after him, finally catching up with him in the corridor that led to the lobby. "Please, will you calm down? I didn't tell you that so you could have an excuse to act like a barbarian!"

He pried my fingers off of his arm and started off again, this time faster. I ran after him though, struggling with all my might not to slip and fall. He was getting farther and farther from me, causing me to lose him in the crowd. It was getting to the point where I was struggling to even see the back of his head, when he suddenly stopped altogether. I ran faster to catch him while he had stopped and when I approached him I saw the reason he had.

"Harry."

George was like a hot tempered bull just waiting to be let loose from his cage, but Harry kept his hands firmly planted on George's shoulders until the anger started to fall out of his mind and he began to calm down.

"Unhand me, please." George asked him.

"Can you control yourself?"

I looked on as George nodded and Harry removed his hands. George regained his composure and the people around us started to go on about their business. Harry's eyes met mine and it all came together in his head. He turned back to George.

"She told you about Hockley, didn't she?"

George swallowed back uneasily as if he had just drunk a glass of lemon juice and answered Harry's question with a nod.

"I can't say I didn't feel the same way."

Harry looked back at me and this time George followed him. I stood there under the gazes of the two men I cared about most in this world and felt small. I damned Cal in my silent thoughts for what he had done. Because it hadn't only affected me, but George and Harry as well. I felt horrible, like I was the one who had done something wrong, and I couldn't explain why.

Harry reached for my hand and took it; he pulled me to him and hugged me close to him. It was just the kind of reassurance that I needed and when we parted I looked at my older brother,

"I'm sorry, George."

For a brief second he almost reminded me of Jack. His hair had fallen into his eyes and he looked angry, and ready to take on the world, but at the same time he wasn't going to forget about the important things. And then he smiled awkwardly at me, "No, I am. I was being irrational. I just don't want anything or anyone to hurt you."

I nodded, "I know that."

"But I'm not worried," he looked at Harry, "because it looks like you have a worthy protector."

Harry arm tightened around my waist where it had been resting, "Yes, she does."

"You keep him away from her. I don't ever want to see that ass within 10 feet of her." he said to Harry with clear and punctuated words.

"Anyone I know?" spoke another voice, the three of us turned towards its owner, and I could feel Harry tense up when we all saw that it was Cal, "You know, it's not in good manners to talk about someone when they're not around to defend themselves."

"I think that's the least of your worries." George growled at him.

"Ah, I take it your sister has informed you of my pursuit of her. Well that just goes to show you how much our friendship meant when you believe the word of child over mine."

"If she's such a child why are you bothering with her?"

Cal smiled and shook his finger at George, "I think you meant to ask Mr. Lowe that question," he gestured in our direction and then smiled wickedly at us, "Well look at you two, together in public. That's an improvement, I must say," he turned back to George, "I'm sure you don't know that libraries, dark ship decks, and officer's cabins were among their haunts on the Titanic."

George looked at Cal with a blaze of fury in his eyes, while I clung to Harry even more tightly, not believing that Cal had the nerve to bring this up in the lobby of a hotel, with people coming and going every which way.

"Your presence isn't wanted here right now, Mr. Hockley." Harry said in a shockingly calm and deep voice.

Cal looked at Harry with an arrogant, amused expression, "I wouldn't say that, look at Sarah. Someone that stunning knows when she has an opportunity to make the most of her life and she knows the only way she will have that is with me…or my brother, which ever comes first. Of course I'd never want Taylor to win, but I'd rather have her in his bed than in yours…at least that way she'd be closer to mine."

"What the hell are you talking about?" George demanded, obviously just as disgusted by Cal's words as I was.

Cal scratched his chin, and smiled deviously, "I've just come from Hailey's, where she informed me that a marriage between Taylor and Sarah was being arranged by my father and herself."

I couldn't help but be shocked when I heard that and he saw that.

"Oh not to worry, my dear. I don't want you to be Taylor's wife anymore than you do. Of course I don't think he'll have anything to worry about when he finds out about you're…" he cleared his throat, "recent actions."

I glared at him and he came closer to Harry and I and for the first time I could see the true evil in his eyes. I moved as close to Harry as I could, until I was pressed up against him and Cal was only a inch or so away from us. "Make the most of your time together, it won't be too much longer…I promise."

**My sisters reaction after she read this part was "ooOOOOOOooooOOO" lol ß-----I had to put that in : )**


	40. Reunited

**Written in a hurry, just got home from work and am soooo tired!**

**I'll address all of your wonderful reviews in the next chapter…**

Chapter 40

_April 20, 1912-Afternoon_

Even though Cal's comment had left me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I forced it down and out of my mind along with everything else he had said to me of that nature. By the time George and I made it back to Nan's suite to awaken Grandfather, the feeling was gone and it was time to go back to the hearings.

Harry didn't sit beside me this time, he was next to two other officers in the back, one of whom I recognized as Mr. Boxhall and the other I assumed to Mr. Pitman. I looked back at Harry with a pining gaze, wishing he was near me. He smiled back at me, and then the room was brought to order and I reluctantly turned around and watched as Senator Smith took center stage in the room and began to speak.

"Is Mr. Bride, the Marconi operator of the Titanic, present?" he asked the room.

A man spoke up from his seat and I recognized him as Mr. Marconi from earlier this afternoon, "No sir."

"Where is he?" he asked.

"He has gone to some house uptown, where he is going to be looked after, sir"

"Has he gone to some hospital?"

"No, Senator, he has gone to the house of some relative of his. I heard you tell him that you were not going to question him anymore to-day, so I sent him along." Mr. Sammis said from his chair.

Senator Smith sighed, "I should like to ask him a few additional questions this afternoon, but it will be impossible if he is not here."

"I am sorry Senator. We understood, from what you said, that you had finished with him for to-day." Mr. Sammis replied.

Nodding, Senator Smith spoke, "In view of his physical condition, I think his further examination may not be postponed."

"We thought you had finished with him for today."

"That is all right. There is no responsibility on you at all. I merely thought that if he was here I should like to ask him a question. The other operator is here?"

"Yes, sir; and he will remain here if you wish him."

He nodded, hearing this and turned over a page in front of him and looked around the room, "Is Titanic's 2nd officer present?"

Another man, who I didn't know, answered him, "You mean Mr. Lightoller? No, he is out in the hotel, he should be back soon."

"I wanted to ask Mr. Lightoller if the ship's log was saved."

"Any of the officers can tell you that, Mr. Pitman for instance is here."

"Very well," Senator Smith replied with a short nod and then looked over the crowd towards the back of the room where Harry and two of his fellow officers sat, "Mr. Pitman I will swear you in as a witness."

I turned around just in time to see Mr. Pitman rise from his seat and begin to make his way towards the front of the room. Senator Smith swore him in and started his questions before Mr. Pitman had barely touched his seat

"State your full name please."

"Herbert John Pitman." he answered.

"Where do you reside?"

"Somerset, England."

"How old are you?"

"34."

I sighed, finding these questions very pointless and irrelevant to the situation. Senator Smith had stated that he just wanted to know if the log had been saved, so why not just ask him that? I discovered that there was more formality involved in these hearings than I previously thought. The dullness of the scene before me was making my mind go off in all different directions and it wasn't long before I found myself thinking about cal and that nauseous feeling he had given me had returned.

The image of his eyes as he spoke to me were burning themselves slowly and painfully into my conscious and his dark prophetic words were echoing in my ears, "Make the most of your time together…"

I turned around and looked at Harry. He was staring straight ahead towards Mr. Pitman, but seemed as lost in thought as I did. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing.

_What was Cal planning?_

Was he going to tell Nan about my being in his cabin? I turned back around. I tried to calm myself by telling my head that there was no way she would believe him, and maybe it would help if I admitted I had been in there but someone else had been with me, maybe Rose. I could say Rose was in there with me!

That might work, because in the end it was my word against his, and although he was right I couldn't let Nan find out about that. I had felt bad enough when he spoke of it in front of George, who hadn't asked about it, but I knew that he wanted to.

George, I honestly wasn't too worried about. He would be disappointed, but all I had to do was bring up a certain situation with Julianne Logan last summer and I knew that would be the last he would mention it.

I decided to turn my attention back to the hearings and seemed to return just in time for Mr. Pitman to say that he couldn't say whether or not the log was saved as he was never in the chart room. And that was in the end of that, he stepped down soon after, just in time for Senator Smith to turn towards all of us and began to speak.

He listed names of the Titanic's crew, including Harry's and told us that the hearings would commence in Washington D.C. on Monday at 10 in the morning and they were to all be there. As he continued to speak Grandfather leaned over to me and spoke;

"I will be going as well, if you would like to join me, you may."

"What about Grandmother?"

"Do you worry about that. If you wish to come I will talk some sense into her."

I hesitated, wanting to follow him, but I didn't want to upset Nan anymore than I already had, "…I don't-"

"Sarah to want to go?"

"…Yes." I relented.

"Then you will, I'm sick and tired of you running off to her every time you need to make a decision! This time next year you will be start looking for a husband, are you going to want her seal of approval on him? I'm willing to bet that she already has someone in mind for you, is that the way you want it to be?"

He was right, she did. Taylor. I found my head falling in defeat, realizing how right he was and how wrong I had been. Even Rose had been mistaken, I could clearly remember her telling me that Grandmother would never force me into marriage, but she was more than capable of it. All she had to do was highly advise something and she knew I wouldn't cross her, that was the way she had raised me.

I looked back up and faced my grandfather, a man who I once feared but in the fast few days found we had more in common than I had ever dreamed. "No, it's not. I will go with you."

"Excellent."

_Excellent? Somehow I didn't think Nan would see it the same way._

_Later…_

After Senator Smith had finished his statement the crowd began to rise and file out of the room surrounded by a low hum of voices. I began to look around the room for Harry but Grandfather found him first.

"Mr. Lowe." he called to him and Harry turned around.

"Yes, Sir?"

Grandfather approached him in swift steps with me in toe, "I was wondering if you would like to join my grandchildren and I for dinner this evening."

I looked at Harry in shock, and it appeared to me that a malicious cat had grabbed his tongue as well. He stammered for a moment before answering, "Uh…of course, it's very kind of you to think of me."

Grandfather smiled, something which he rarely does, "Yes, well I have heard of your actions during and after the disaster and with you being an acquaintance of my granddaughter I feel compelled to get to know you better. Around 7, is that alright."

Harry nodded, seeming more relaxed now, "That's fine."

"Wonderful, I'll send a car over here around 6:30 then. Come, Sarah we should go and see you grandmother."

"Yes, sir."

Harry and I smiled at one another as I started to walk away. My stomach was doing flip flops and my heart was beating so hard, but it was a wonderful feeling.

**Next: The truth about Sarah's mother FINALLY comes out!**


	41. All by Myself

**Anarra, Janell, MG, Charlotte: So glad you loved Cal's evilness… I aim to please lol**

**Liz: Yes, I got the DVD! Oh it was go great, I LUVED the deleted scenes! Did you see the ones with Harry? WOO HOO TAKE THAT BRUCE! I'm going to have to find a way to add that in the story : )**

**Neverlandsprincess: More fluff? Lol now that's what I like to hear. Shouldn't be too much longer though. : )**

**KM and Julietdaughter: Sarah pregnant? Hmmm…you never know…lol Oh yeah I've never seen the Hornblower movies…I've heard they're really good though and no death for Cal in the near future lol but eventually he'll get what's coming to him lol**

Chapter 41

As I predicted Nan was less than enthusiastic about my plans to go to Washington with Grandfather. I had been wise to make sure we were alone before I told her because her reaction would have embarrassed me beyond reason.

A side of her I had never seen before came out; calling me a child and telling me how awful it was for a girl my age to be surrounded by all of those old men and hearing their definitions of what was right and wrong.

"You're only 17, Sarah. That's a very impressionable age. You don't need to hear all of those stories those victims have to tell about suffering and death."

"Nan, I don't need to hear it, I lived it. I was there, or do you not remember that?" I retorted, "I sat in a life boat in the arctic cold, surrounded by the cries of moans of the people left in the water. There's not a day that will go by when I don't think about that and I want to know why! I want to know why my cousin had to die, why Polly's husband will never see his children grow up and why there are thousands of the other people in the world who will never see their loved ones again!"

I had never yelled at her before, never. In the large cushioned chair where she sat she appeared so small and frail to me after that I wished I could have gone back in time and changed what I had said. Then she said something that I had never expected to hear from her mouth;

"From what I hear Rose chose her destiny and you should just leave it at that."

"Who told you that?" I practically screamed.

"Young lady you had better watch yourself! Not only am I your grandmother but I am your guardian as well and you will respect me! I'm not sure what happened to you on that trip, but it doesn't give you any sort of excuse to disrespect your elders!"

Her words were harsh and unforgiving and I knew then that more had changed in my life than I previously thought. I wasn't her little girl anymore, I was becoming my own person and she didn't like that one bit.

"Grandmother," I began, finding it difficult to call her anything but Nan, "I'm going to Washington with Grandfather. I realize that it upsets and that you would rather me go back to Philadelphia with you, but I can't. This is something that I have to do."

"I didn't raise you to be this selfish."

I kept my voice quiet and answered her as calmly as I could, "No, you didn't. But you did raise me to be my own person, and that's exactly what I am doing." I took a long pause before I spoke again and then finally added, "I love you, and I promise I'll be home for Rose's funeral."

And with that said I left the room, shutting the door softly behind me. To my surprise I found Aunt Ruth in the sitting room waiting for me.

She looked a lot better than she had, her hair was brushed and pulled back and she wore a simple black dress that clashed horribly with her still pale skin. She looked at me when I entered the room and began to speak;

"I'm starting to believe you're less like your mother than I thought."

I sighed heavily, not wanting to go through all of this again and started for the front door but she kept speaking.

"Corynn was always selfish. Always. Clothes, jewelry, traveling; she got it whenever she wanted it."

My hand was on the door knob and I could have escaped, but I found myself turning back to her, "Is that why you hate her?"

She laughed, "Please, I'm not that materialistic. No, she took from me, ever since the day she entered this world and even after she left it. When we were young it was simple things, a brooch here, some earrings there, but that all changed when I was 22. He asked me to marry him and I accepted. One of the most handsome and eligible young men in the country and he asked me." her voice began to become dreamy as she spoke, and I found myself sitting down across from her in one of the chairs, leaning towards her in suspense.

"She came home from school and that's when she saw him. 'Oh Ruthie, you're so lucky!' she told me over and over again. That whole summer after our engagement was announced he was all she would talk about and that should have been proof enough for me to keep him from her, but I never dreamed she would do it. Then on the night of our engagement party, he disappeared right after the toast, I went looking for him and found him, with her in his arms, in my bed."

Amidst my shock, I managed to ask who. She turned to me with dark eyes and shook her head at my simple question, "Why, my dear, Sarah…" she began in a chilling voice, "…your father."

"RUTH!"

I spun around hearing Nan's voice so sharp and angry. Her eyes were blazing in Aunt Ruth's direction. "How dare you! Telling lies to the child!"

"Oh Mother, please! You know it's true, we all know it is! Everyone except her and George. You tried to hide it, but secrets can never be buried!" Aunt Ruth screamed.

"YOU VINDICTIVE HARLOT--"

"SHUT UP YOU OLD WOMAN! PEOPLE TALK AND SOONER OR LATER SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND OUT! KEEPING HER AWAY IN EUROPE WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING!"

Their voices were like faraway echoes in my mind. My mother and father couldn't have done that. Nan had always told me how they were childhood sweethearts, who were married in a lavish ceremony in New York City, and then honeymooned in St. Petersburg with my Great-Aunt Isabel and her family. That's where George was born in 1890 and I 5 years later. This couldn't be, Aunt Ruth was just telling another one of her lies to try and hurt me.

"…YOUR DEAR AND PRECIOUS CORYNN COULD DO NOTHING WRONG IN YOUR EYES, COULD SHE? EVEN FORNICATING WITH MY FIANCE IN MY BED WASN'T WRONG IN YOUR EYES! 19 YEARS OLD AND ALREADY A WHORE! YOU AND FATHER MUST HAVE BEEN SO PROUD!"

Nan stepped over to Aunt Ruth and smacked her clear across the face, "YOU'RE OLD AND BITTER RUTH! Corynn deserved Jonathan! He only asked you to marry him because of your money and you know that! And when he saw your much more beautiful sister he knew he had made a mistake! You were lucky to have him for the short amount of time that you did-"

Aunt Ruth cut Nan off and turned to me, "You do believe me, don't you Sarah. Think about the dates, August 1889. They were married in October weren't they and when was George born?"

I shook my head, not wanting to acknowledge it, but she pressed on amidst Nan's screams.

"May! He was born in May wasn't he?"

I found myself nodding, numbly.

"See look there! It's not a coincidence! George was conceived that night!"

"QUIET-"

"NO, I'VE BEEN QUIET FOR TOO LONG!" she looked at me, with an odd glint in her eyes, "It's not your fault you are the way you are, Sarah. It's my mother's! She tried to create Corynn all over again. Even after all she did, mother loved and supported her, even helped her to run off to Russia to be with Jonathan, didn't you, Mother?"

I looked up from my confusion and sadness and at Nan, who had gone quiet. "You condoned it?" I asked, obviously hurt.

She looked at me with wide eyes, knowing she had been caught, "Yes, I did."

I couldn't help but cry. All my life she had told me what a horrible person Aunt Ruth was but never once did she tell me why, or that she had been part of the cause.

Nan knelt down next to me and laid her hand in a comforting gesture on top of my head, but I pulled away and got up from the chair quickly as if she had stung me. "Get away from me!"

"You don't understand, Ruth didn't deserve him, your father deserved someone with grace and beauty…"

"STOP IT! I don't want to hear anymore!"

"Sarah…" she started, but I was out of the room before she could say anymore. I began to run down the hallway, tears streaming down my cheeks, but was stopped dead in my tracks at the elevator where Grandfather had just gotten off.

"Sarah! What's the matter?" he asked, seizing me by the shoulders.

I must have been a sight; tears rolling down my face and gasping for each and every breath. His concern was evident, but he seemed at a loss on how to comfort me. It didn't surprise me, I had never known my grandfather to be an affectionate man, but no sooner had I thought that then he took me into his arms and embraced me tightly.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed gratefully into his shoulder.

Every tear that I shed from my eyes was only an ounce of the pain and frustration that had been building up over the years. Every time I could remember Nan lying to me, every time Aunt Ruth insulted me. I couldn't believe I had let myself become so deceived.

As I stood there, letting my pain flow out in salty tears on my grandfather's shoulder I actually came to pity Aunt Ruth, and hate Nan. I could never trust her again. My whole life she had lied to me and never felt any remorse about it. Everything; our relationship, every memory she had given me about my parents; all a lie.

My tears eventually stopped, even though my heart still continued to break, and Grandfather handed me his handkerchief to dry my eyes. I took it gratefully and allowed him to lead me onto the elevator and downstairs and through the lobby to outside the hotel where there was a car waiting for us.

I didn't have my hat, coat, or even gloves, but that seemed to be the least of his worries. We drove home, with his arm around my shoulders as tiny tears still creeping from my eyes.


	42. Don't Cry

**Well so far I've gotten two "Wow's" over the last chapter. Lol is that a good thing or a bad thing? I guess I'll have to wait for more reviews before I know for sure: )**

**Janell: Let's not worry about babies yet, I was pretty surprised to read that some people actually think that, but its cool that they're thinking ahead. **

**Dinner will be next chapter!**

**Norma Jean: You crack me up!**

**Chapter 40:**

**MG: lol Harry's family will be introduced soon, but it will probably be a bit before we actually meet them. You'll definitely be rewarded for your help with that whole subject though ;)**

**Neverlandsprincess: Awe! Thank you, I'm so glad you're liking the story!**

**Anarra: I was lol when I read your review, short and to the point : )**

**Sara: Wow, 16 seems like it was so long ago! Thanks for having faith in me though. It's fun having George and Harry being so chummy, I really love writing the conversations between the two. Grandfather has been kind of challenge, going from meanie to sweetie isn't very easy, but I'm trying! Thanks for the review **

**I really hope you guys don't hate me after the last chapter, my dearest sister looked at me like I was nuts, but hey its my story lol!**

Chapter 42

When we got back to grandfather's house he took me into his study and sat me down on the leather sofa. He then went over to his bar and poured some brandy into a glass and brought it over to me,

"Take a sip of this, it will calm you down."

I did, letting the hot liquid run down my throat and spread out inside of me. To my amazement it did help, even if it did leave a lingering tart taste in my mouth.

My tears completely stopped and he let me wipe my face one final time before sitting down next to me and asking what had happened.

I opened my mouth to tell him, but then shut it. He had to have known about this; after all he was my father's father. What if he felt the same way about it that Nan did? What if I did tell him and all he did was ridicule me for my actions? I had to take that chance though; I had to know who was on my side and who wasn't.

So I told him; every little detail I recounted to him, from Aunt Ruth's animosity towards me over the years, to when she told me and the way she and Nan had fought. He sat there and listened, giving me his full attention and made sure I was completely finished before he spoke.

"As horrible as it is, my dear, I'm glad you finally know the truth."

"So you did know? I asked, in a somewhat accusing voice.

"Of course I knew. How could I have not?" he got up from beside me and went back over to the bar and poured himself a drink. He took a long swig of the liquid before turning back to me.

"Jonathan was only 22 when he asked Ruth to marry him. He was mature, but in my opinion not mature enough for marriage. It was against my wishes that he asked her. He asked for his mother's engagement ring to give to her, but I refused it and that's how the rift between us began.

"He proposed to her about this time of the year, if I remember correctly, and she accepted. The date was set for June of the next year, which would have been 1890 I guess. In May or June, Corynn came home from finishing school. She was 19 then and a real beauty, but she knew that. Young men doted over her and she would use them for the gifts and affection before tossing them out with the other rubbish. Jonathan told me he fell in love with her the moment he saw her."

I listened carefully as he spoke, not wanting to miss a single detail.

"I'm not sure when their affair began, but it all came out during the engagement party in August. Right after we had toasted the couple, he disappeared, then Corynn and then Ruth. It was her screaming that interrupted the party and brought Hailey and I running upstairs. We saw them in bed together, and it was more than obvious what they were doing.

"Ruth called off the engagement and I took Jonathan to a seperate room and proceeded to lecture him about his behavior. Jonathan and I came back here the next day and I thought that it was all over with. The weeks went on and I thought it was behind us when Hailey wired me and told me that Corynn was going to have a child."

"George." I said in a barely audible tone.

He nodded, "Yes, George." he paused for a moment as he took another drink and then continued.

"Hailey had a sister, Isabel, who had married some Russian duke and Hailey decided to ship them both over to Russia to marry and avoid the gossip. I didn't attend the wedding; I couldn't bring myself to do it. That spring I received a letter from your father along with a picture…" he reached for a photo album near him on one of the shelves and opened it to the exact page he had intended and handed it to me.

The picture was of my mother, father and brother. George couldn't have been more than a month old when it was taken. They were sitting on the veranda of a house on a wooden bench. No one smiled, but you could see the happiness in their faces.

"…He told me I had a grandson and that they had named him George. And that was the last time I heard from him for nearly 5 years when there came another letter, informing me that I had a granddaughter and that Corynn had died from complications during the birth. He wrote that he was coming back to America and I graciously decided to let him stay here.

"The three of you arrived in March and Hailey was here to dote on her grandchildren. Especially you, she claimed you looked exactly like Corynn, although I don't agree with her at all on that one. Well, time passed, Jonathan found himself a job and moved the two of you to Pittsburgh. You had just turned 5 when he died in that train crash. It was horrible. I'm sure you remember that though."

I nodded, how could I forget that day? My nurse, Mrs. Reynolds, told George and I just as we were sitting down for afternoon tea. The next thing I knew we were going to live with Nan in Philadelphia and not long after that it was off to school in England.

Like he could hear my thoughts, Grandfather began to talk about Nan and England.

"It's obvious that she sent you two there so she could shield you from the gossip that was still going around about Jonathan and Corynn. Ruth had married of course and had a child of her own, but she was still bitter about it and I think she was the one that was keeping it going. I wanted custody of you and George, but Hailey fought me every step of the way and eventually I just didn't have the energy to fight her anymore."

"This is all so unbelievable. I never thought my parents could be so…" I couldn't even finish my sentence for I feared that saying out loud would make the situation even truer.

He came back over to me and sat down, his brandy glass in hand. "You mustn't think that you parents were bad people. They were very much in love; the problem was the timing of when they met. As you are finding out, young people can be irresponsible and that's what happened with those two. They loved both you and George very much and realized how much they had hurt Ruth and I know Jonathan did all he could to make up for it when he moved back here, but Ruth held very tightly onto her grudge."

"All the same I feel so betrayed."

"And you have every right to, but they're both gone Sarah and you need to make peace with them. As for Hailey and Ruth, I can't tell you what to do about those two. George decided to let bygones be bygones-"

"George knows?"

He nodded, "He found out not too long after he started college. People still talk to this day about it and I guess some boys there mentioned it to him. Hailey doesn't know that he does, he came to me when he found out about it and I told him the same thing I'm telling you."

"Why didn't he ever tell me?"

He smiled, "He wanted to protect you. Let you keep hold of innocence for as long as you could. Can you blame him for that?"

I shook my head, smiling at the thought.

"Ignorance is bliss, eh?"

I nodded, Yes, I guess it was.


	43. All My Life

**Finally A NEW CHAPTER!**

**I'm so sorry this took so long. I was having one of these moments where I knew what I wanted to write, but couldn't seem to put it on paper. So frustrating…**

**But to make up for it, this is a pretty long chapter and I really hope everyone enjoys it.**

**No worries for anyone…Sarah isn't pregnant. Many of you were right in thinking that it would cause problems, especially after her learning about her parents little 'problem'. Besides she's only 17! But just to keep your little minds in agony, someone is, but obviously it isn't going to come out for awhile.**

**Pema: welcome to the story and thank you for your wonderful review!**

**Tipper: Thank you so much for you compliments! I must say my Cal has nothing on yours though…but I'll put that in my review for 'Olivia' in a bit : )**

**Sara: Oh come on! George and Harry would make an adorable couple! LoL **

**KM: No, Cal doesn't know…yet ;)**

**Diaries: Thanks for much your review! I'm so happy you added me to your fave list…truly I am honored : )**

**Norma: Muah! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!**

Chapter 43

_April 20, 1912- Night_

A few moments later when I left Grandfather I felt a thousand times better than I had when I first entered the room.

It was just any one thing that he said that had done it. It was the simple fact that I knew he was being completely honest with me, something I didn't think anyone in my family had ever done before, at least when I had been concerned.

My thoughts were on nothing but my parents as I climbed the stairs to my room. All my life I had loved and admired them and to hear the gruesome truth about their affair had tarnished my whole perception of them both. My mother had been an angel in my eyes. Beautiful, benevolent and above all someone you couldn't help but love. Since I was old enough to remember I knew Nan had been telling me that. It was no secret that I had indeed been sheltered from American society, but the few people I had come to know, Mrs. Brooks, Polly's Grandmother for one, had always told me the same story that Nan had. And I couldn't help but wonder if Nan had molded it that way.

I reached my room, stopping to gaze at the portrait of my father that hung in the corridor. He was about my age; his dark hair and green eyes enhanced his handsome face and it was no wonder to me why my mother was so attracted to him. George and I had both inherited his eyes…

I stared at his picture, trying my best to make the portrait feel my anger, but gave up when I couldn't make the faint smile on his face disappear and went into my room and shut the door behind me, escaping it altogether. I then realized that my room offered no sanctuary though; pictures of my family were scattered all over dresser tops and shelves.

I laid each and every one of them face down on their surface and fell down onto the soft, inviting covers of my bed and curled myself into the fetal position. On my night table, Harry's watch laid and I reached for it, cupping it in my hands trying to find just an ounce of the comfort it had given me as the Titanic was going down.

Nothing happened though.

Sighing I held it up above my head and dangled it back and forth, in a hypnotizing manner. I felt like my life was something right of a Dickens novel. So much angst and drama surrounded my very existence, how could Harry stand to even be near me?

"Sarah…"

I looked over to the door, hearing George's voice and saw him peak his head through, his hand over his eyes. "Are you decent?"

I smiled, my frustration broken for just a brief moment, "Yes, you may come in."

He entered the room and shut the door and joined me on the bed. We both stared at the top of the canopy for a moment before he nudged me.

"I talked to Grandfather."

I didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"George, I really don't want to discuss it right now. I want it to just go away."

"It's not going to, Sarah."

I looked away from him, knowing very well how right he was. It occurred to me that I do this with a lot of my problems; ignoring them and hoping that they vanish. It had never worked and I didn't know what I assumed that this would be any different.

I turned back to my brother and clutched his hand like a scared child, "George, why did all of this have to happen to us? We're orphans, with our parent's reputation and Grandmother's lies haunting our lives. God must be punishing us-"

"No, that's not true."

"How do you know?"

"Look around you, look at all the wonderful things you have; clothes on your back, a roof over your head, a family that loves you, the best brother in the world…" I smiled when he said that, "…and even a wonderful man that seems to only have eyes for you…"

I was lucky to have Harry, but was Harry lucky to have me?

"…if God really did have a grudge against us, I think you would know."

I nodded, agreeing with him.

He smiled back and patted me gently on my hand, "I'd better let you get dressed then and go downstairs and make sure Grandfather hasn't cast Harry to the rats or anything."

"He's already here!"

George got off the bed and nodded in my direction, "Yes, we rode over in the car together. I left him in the sitting room while Grandfather told me what had happened, so don't worry he doesn't know."

"No, that's not what I meant; I just thought I had more time."

I went over to the old fashioned bells that Grandfather still had and rang for Nora to come and help me dress, while George watched with amusement.

"Ah, young love." he quipped, and I glared at him.

"Get out of here before I throw a pillow at you!"

He laughed at me and bowed gracefully at me, "Yes Madam, I am your humble servant, always here to…OW!" his hair was disheveled from where I had thrown the pillow and he rubbed his head and glared at me playfully, "You try and make someone feel like a queen and they throw bedding at you, what's the world coming to?" and with that he stomped out of the room and shut the door behind him, leaving me amused and much happier than I had been all afternoon.

Nora arrived in my room not long after George had left. I already had a nice _black _dress picked out; long sleeved with an A-line skirt that parted half way down to reveal a silk white skirt underneath, all of this came together with a large felt belt above my waist that had a diamond pendant sewn into the very center.

Although not as skilled as my dearly missed Hannah, Nora did manage to do my hair up nicely; brushing it out till it was silky smooth and putting in a white silk hair piece, that fit around my head like a band and circled around holding the rest of my hair in place.

I immerged from my room a few moments later and ignoring my father's portrait, I started down the hall to the stairs and went down them to the sitting room, where I met George, Grandfather and Harry.

"Her highness finally graces us with her company." George said, grinning in my direction.

"George, leave your sister alone, we do have company after all." Grandfather replied, indicating Harry, who sat on the corner of the couch. He looked so handsome in a brand new suit and shoes. We exchanged small smiles in the others direction, making my heart begin to race. I loved how just his smile alone could make me feel so perfectly wonderful.

Mrs. Fitzpatrick came into the room and announced that dinner was ready and the four of us followed Grandfather from the sitting room, across the hall and into the dining room. As soon as we were all seated in our respective places; Grandfather at the head of the table, Harry to his right, George to his left, and me next to George, Nora came around and began to pour wine into all of our glasses. When she reached Harry though he held his hand up to stop her,

"No thank you, I don't drink."

Nora froze in mid step, not knowing what to do.

"You don't?" George asked.

Harry shook his head while I looked at him in amazement; I had never met a man who had turned down any kind of alcohol before. Whiskey and Brandy were their drinks of choice and they drank them as if they were cough syrup, even Grandfather.

_Oh no…_

I turned towards Grandfather and saw him look at Harry in a peculiar way; he then turned to Nora and instructed her to continue.

"Can I offer you anything else, Mr. Lowe?"

"Water will be fine, thank you."

"Very well then, Nora a fresh glass of water for our guest."

Nora nodded and finished pouring the wine in my glass and left the room and returned a few moments later with a pitcher of water and poured some into Harry's glass.

After that dinner went by very smoothly. I listened and ate my dinner while the men around me spoke about things that couldn't hold my interest, but when the last course was served Grandfather turned to me and asked;

"So Sarah have you decided whether or not you will come to Washington with me for the hearings?"

"Yes, Grandfather I have decided to join you."

He smiled approvingly, "I'm glad. Since you will be coming then I suppose Mr. Smith will like to question in front of the other senators, since I myself used to be one. You'll be setting a good example for other young woman."

"He won't be questioning everyone else in front of them?" I asked.

Grandfather shook his head, "No, Mr. Smith has already questioned many of them in privacy and will add their testimony to the transcripts later…when are you speaking Mr. Lowe?"

Harry cleared his throat and answered, "Wednesday morning."

"Sarah and I will be sure to be there then, won't we, Sarah?"

I smiled at Harry and nodded, "Yes, we will."

Harry smiled back at me, lingering a sweet stare at me that only the two of us would understand.

"Well it's all settled then, Sarah and I will leave on the 8 o'clock train tomorrow night and George you will be leaving for school on Sunday morning won't you?"

They began to discuss George and his return to college and how he would be graduating soon. Harry participated in the conversation, but every now and then would throw tiny looks my way to make me smile.

When dinner was over Grandfather led us all back into the sitting room and told Nora to have some coffee prepared for us.

"Sarah, why don't you take Mr. Lowe on a tour of the house, I need to discuss some things with your brother."

"Yes sir," I stood up and turned to Harry, "Follow me, please, Mr. Lowe."

He did and the two of us walked out of the sitting room and I led him down the hall to the library. Neither one of us spoke or even acknowledged the other until we were in the library and the doors were closed behind us.

With the final click of the large oak door Harry pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips firmly and passionately against mine. I sighed, not being able to help myself, a whole day had passed since he had last kissed me and the cruelty of being around him all the time and not being able to have moments like this was unbearable.

He didn't let his kiss sit on my lips, instead he spread it all over; my cheeks, my forehead, even the tips of my fingers.

"Harry…" I pushed him away, laughing.

"Do you have any idea how long I've been holding that in?"

I smiled and let him kiss me again; a small kiss this time, but just as full of emotion as the last. When we parted we stared into one another eyes with an affectionate gaze, but I soon broke it, realizing we were in my Grandfather's house and that there were servants everywhere.

"I promised you a tour didn't I?" I said moving away from him, but taking his hand into mine as I did so.

"Uh, yes you did. I take it this is the library."

"Yes, one of my favorite rooms, actually. All of this furniture was specially made for my family nearly hundred years ago in England."

"So your family is English then?" he asked, with a teasing tone that made me smile.

"Yes, my grandfather's family was on the first in the colonies. He's very proud of that." I replied, sitting down on the sofa.

"Is that one of his relatives?" he asked pointing to the painting over the mantle of my great great-great grandfather, Alexander Wilkes. It showed him atop his horse ready to go into battle with British troop during the revolution.

I explained all of that to Harry, and he looked at the picture and began to laugh, "You know I wouldn't be one bit surprised if one of those little redcoats in the picture is my great great Uncle Edward."

We both laughed at the thought and he joined me on the sofa.

"I guess this is one of those perfect American families, isn't it? A senator for a grandfather, a brother in medical school, a grandmother-"

"Let's not talk about that right now." I interrupted. My reasons were more than obvious to myself, but I didn't want to ruin this moment with Harry by telling him.

"Oh, alright. What do you want to talk about then?"

I thought for a moment and then responded, "Your family."

He smiled in confusion, "My family?"

I nodded, resting my head on hand that I had propped up on the back of the sofa.

"Well, what do you want to know?"

"Everything? It just occurred to me that I don't know very much about you."

"You know plenty about me."

"I do not; for instance I don't know your birthday, your middle name, are you the oldest or youngest in your family, or are you an only child?"

"November 21, Godfrey, and I'm the middle child…I think."

I giggled, "How many brothers and sisters do you have?"

"Seven."

"Seven? Mercy, that's a big family!"

He smiled, Seven; Ada, myself, Edgar, Anne, Arthur, Eddie and Fred."

"That's only six." I replied after repeating the names in my head.

He looked confused for a moment then found himself. His face fell and sadness seemed to pour down on him, "My brother George passed away when I was 12, he drowned."

"Oh Harry…" I went to him, placing my hand on his, trying to be comforting. He patted it softly and smiled at me.

"It's alright, it was a long time ago, 17 years almost." he then looked at me and laughed, despite the tears in his eyes, "You must have been about 6 months old then."

I gave him an evil, slightly playful glare.

"I don't like that look, alright I give you permission to ask more questions."

I smiled, "Alright, do your siblings have any children?"

"Well, Ada has three; Cole, Elin and Mabli, and Edgar has one; Gwendolyn, and Anne has one; Dylan."

"How old are they?"

He laughed, "Let me think here…Cole is 9, Elin is 6, Dylan and Mabli are both 3, and Gwen is just a baby, she was born in the fall, October or November."

"How sweet." I replied, loving the look in his eye as he spoke of each one of them.

He nodded, "Yes, for little rascals they're sweet. It's nice to go home for Christmas and be attacked by their sticky hands and hear 'Uncle Harry! Uncle Harry' till my ears are ready to fall off."

I laughed, "There's nothing wrong with children loving their uncle."

"If they love me then they're going to adore you."

"Why do you say that?

"I just know," he answered, leaning over and brushing my cheek with his hand, "You're too beautiful, inside and out, for them not to love."

I smiled, finding myself feeling shy as he looked at me with such love and wonder, "Come, there's more to this house than just the library." I told him, reluctantly breaking the moment between us.

I led him out of the library and showed him the conservatory, the private family parlor and the Music Room. Finally I took him into the Portrait Room. A room I myself hadn't been in very often. As the name says it is full of portraits; hung all over the high dark walls of the room whose length and width seemed to go on for ever.

Harry walked around the room with me; hands clasped behind his back and looked at each and every one of the paintings on the wall.

"Are you in any of these?" he asked.

I shook my head, "I've only had my picture taken with a camera and Grandfather keeps those all in albums. Some of them are over here on the shelf though…" I walked over to the high wooden shelf and reached for one and sat down on the settee so I could open it.

The pictures weren't recent, in the ones I was in, I appeared to be only about five or six, but Harry found interest in them none the less.

"Look at you in ringlets!"

"You don't want to know the pain I endured for those curls." I remarked, remembering all to well my nurse tying my hair in strips of fabric, making me sleep with them in, and then pulling them on and in the morning, along with good chunks of my hair, all for perfect curls that Rose had naturally.

"…you look so prim and proper, didn't you ever get dirty as a child?" he asked.

"Once in awhile," I replied, "It was always fun for me to slip on those perfect little white dresses and go jump in mud puddles in the garden and watch my Grandmother's face turn purple when she saw me."

"Mud wasn't my thing, I lived on the water. Started sailing when I was 8 and never looked back."

"I've never been."

"Oh I'll take you."

I shifted uneasily, I wasn't quite ready to leave the safety of land yet, and I had a feeling it would be a long time before I went on a ship or near water for that matter without being overcome with fear. I smiled bravely for Harry though and told him I would love that.

_

* * *

__Meanwhile…_

**(Written from a narrative POV)**

"So my suspicions are correct, she has taken a liking to this man."

George nodded to his grandfather, "Yes, sir."

Jared nodded and looked over to his grandson, "I must say she is using her brain. He's hardworking, a gentleman and has exceeded my expectations as far as personality-"

"It's the wealth issue that bothers you, isn't it?

He exhaled heavily, "Yes! Damn it all, yes!"

"Money doesn't matter to her."

"But it does to everyone else! I know Hailey wants to marry her off to that Hockley boy…"

"Taylor."

"Yes, Taylor, not a bad young man, but you know my feelings about that family. I've never liked Nathan and I'll be damned if my granddaughter becomes part of his family and shudder to think that she would have to bear his grandchildren.

"What ever alliance Hailey and Nathan have I want it broken…and I want my granddaughter to have her happiness. You see to it George, if she wants this Mr. Lowe, you make sure she has him. Money or no money."

**MG: Are you totally trippin? Lol one of Harry's nieces named after you! She'll be in the story a lot in the future…or so I'm planning. Thanks again for the names!**

**Liz & Anarra: You guys said you were starting to like grandfather…now I bet everyone does ;)**

**Just to let everyone know, I will be adding Harry's family to his section of the Character list sometime this week. Right now I'm just so relieved that the chapter is done lol **


	44. Hanging by a Moment

**I'm really busy with school this week (midterms are upon me…ahhhh!) So I didn't really get a chance to proof this very well.**

**Thanks to every for their reviews. They were so uplifting as always!**

**KM: I really enjoyed the background you gave me on life back in that era. I actually used some of what you said in this chapter (the part about Cal being a coward and such). It was really great and if you have anymore suggestions I would love to hear them.**

**Sara: As much as Grandfather dislikes Hailey, he is in fact genuine about Sarah and wanting her to be happy. More about that will be revealed soon. Haha but I'm glad you enjoy Harry and George so much! Thanks for the review.**

**Roxy, Janell, Liz, Annara, Pema, Diaries: Grandfather is wonderful huh? Haha I love having him go from ultra bad guy in Sarah's mind to …well basically a savior. Such a twist lol.**

**Tipper: Cal…NEXT CHAPTER…I promise lol. I actually miss writing about the little butthead…ohhh but he's so CUTE he nearly gets away with all the bad stuff he does!**

**MG: So glad I could make your day! You helped me a lot and SO deserved it : )**

**Again I apologize about the proofing issue. I really am so rushed when I post sometimes that I made the dumbest mistakes. Also I have a new keyboard…one of the cordless ones…and sometimes certain letters stop working…I think I have gremlins or something : )**

Chapter 44

_April 21, 1912_

The next morning, after I had dressed and eaten breakfast and saw to it that the packing of my luggage had started, I went downstairs to Grandfather's office to ask him if I could pay Polly a visit before we left that night. He gave me permission and called for a car while I went to get a coat and hat to wear.

Before we had docked on Thursday Polly had told me that her cousin, Mary Harper, who lived in the city, was going to meet her when we arrived in New York and from what I knew she was still with her cousin. The Harper's lived only a few miles away from my Grandfather, but I was thankful for the fact that he had a car ready for me. The weather that morning wasn't very pleasant; the skies were gray and there was a crisp wind coming in from the east.

When I arrived at the house a few minutes later, the driver opened the door for me and helped me step out onto the sidewalk. I walked up to the front stoop and rang the doorbell and a few seconds later a very stern woman answered the door.

"Yes, may I help you?" she practically snapped at me.

"I'm here to see Mrs. Hansen."

"And who are you?"

"I'm Sarah Wilkes."

She paused for a moment and looked me over and then finally opened the door all the way to let me through. As I walked past her I could feel her eyes on me, checking me over to make sure I was who I said I was.

Thankfully though, once in the house I was greeted by a familiar face. Polly's Grandmother, Mrs. Brooks, came into the hall holding a book in her hand. She was a stout woman, with a kind, round face. I hadn't seen her in quite sometime, but she and Nan had been close for many years so there wasn't much about me that she didn't know.

"Sarah, how nice to see you." she held out her arms and I went into them so she could embrace me and plant a small kiss on my cheek. She then pulled away and held me at arms length, "You look well, my dear. I haven't seen your Grandmother, is she still at the Waldorf."

I nodded, "Yes, she is."

She nodded, "You've come to see Polly, I imagine."

"Yes, I have. How is she?"

Mrs. Brooks sighed, "She's been better, but seeing you will do her a world of good."

"Has she not been well?"

She shook her head, "Far from it, dear. We heard only 2 days ago that they found dear Charles. His body is being sent back here and ever since then she won't eat unless forced to, she refuses to see the children or accept any condolences for him." she paused, and I could see her trying desperately to hide how upset she was, "I'm very worried, Sarah."

I nodded, "I didn't realize this had gone so far. I'm sure I can bring her spirits up though, at least I'll try to." I smiled bravely for her.

She brightened at my words and reached out to squeeze my hand, "You always were a sweet girl, come, I'll take you up to see her."

Although it had only been mere minutes since Mrs. Brooks had told me about Polly I overwhelmed by what I saw when I entered her room. As bad as Aunt Ruth had looked to me the past few days, Polly looked far worse. Her hair was limp and was no longer a vibrant black, but instead a dull, almost gray color. Her skin was white and there were dark circles under her lifeless eyes. She looked like a ghost.

Her appearance was more than a shock to me. I knew Charles' death had upset her, but this was far worse than I had ever expected her to be. I actually found myself frozen to the doorway, afraid to come near her, but then she saw me and I knew that I had to have strength, even if it was only for that moment. I took a breath and came over to her and sat down on the edge of the bed, taking her hand into mind.

"Hello." my voice nearly cracked.

She looked over at me and a faint smile appeared on her face, "You came."

"Of course I did." I smoothed back her hair and smiled warmly at her, "Where else would I be?"

"With your Harry…" she gasped, and sat up quickly "Oh he isn't here with you is he? I'm not dressed for company."

"No, no, he's not. Lay back down, you need your rest." I gently pushed her back down in to the mountain of pillows that she had been lying on and she calmed down.

"He's such a wonderful man, Sarah. You know Charles liked him."

"He did?"

"Oh yes. When he was putting us into the lifeboat, he saw Harry being very direct and level headed about the situation and assured us that we were in safe hands. And then after…he was still so brave and organized. Moving us all into other boats so he could go back and rescue people from the water."

"He did that?" Harry hadn't mentioned anything like that to me. Then again we hadn't talked very much about what had happened that night.

She nodded, "You're very lucky to have him."

That I knew.

"Did you tell your Grandmother about him?"

"Shhh, Polly, I want you to relax, you don't need to worry about me."

She nearly laughed, "Worry? I'm not worried, just envious." her eyes began to fill with tears and she clutched my hand tightly, "I'd give everything I have just for one more moment with Charles. To be in his arms, feel his lips against mine…to have that love so close and not ripped away…"

I brushed away the tears that were running down my face with my free hand and then placed it on top of my other hand that still held tightly to hers, "I'm so sorry." I whispered.

She shook her head, "Don't be. There's nothing to be sorry for. Just don't ever let anyone take your love away from you, human or disaster."

I nodded, taking every word she said to heart. I brought her hand up and kissed it softly. "I love you and I'm always going to be here for you."

She nodded, "I know that and I always be here for you…even when I'm no good to anyone."

"Don't say that," I replied, shaking my head, "You're going to be just fine. When God shuts a door he opens a window…right?"

"You sound like my Grandmother."

I smiled, "I'm just trying to help."

She smiled back, "Well you've succeeded, just having you around has made me feel more like my old self. In fact…I'd like to see the children." she put on a brave smile and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Well, we'd better get you looking presentable then." I replied and helped her get up out of bed and find some decent clothes. As soon as she entered the Eleanor and Robert's room the life and vitality that always emitted from Polly was back. She took them into her arms and kissed them each a thousand times, finally able to face the world without her husband.

"So dinner went well then?"

I took a sip of my coffee and nodded, "A lot better than I expected, that's for sure."

Lights smiled and nodded in agreement, "See you were worried for no reason."

I had to agree with him. The night before I had been in panic; I worried whether or not my boots were shiny enough or maybe even too shiny. I bought a brand new suit and had it pressed a dozen times before it was exactly the way I wanted it. I wanted everything to go as smoothly as possible and to my amazement, it actually did.

Light's and then began to discuss our trip to Washington, which we were leaving for after lunch this afternoon.

"Tell me what the point was in moving us from here to there?" he asked, "Maybe they feel the need to attack our actions on more government-rich soil."

"Come on, Lights, attack?"

"You weren't in there that first day Harry, they're brutal. They were asking about the trial tests we did with her before we sailed and they analyze every answer you give them. You have to be firm and direct when you're up there, it's going to take a lot out of you."

"Who else did they question that first day?"

"Well myself, Captain Rostron…of the Carpathia, Mr. Marconi and Cottam, a steward and oh Bruce Ismay?"

"That name sounds familiar." I remarked, not sure why it did.

He looked at me as if he were waiting for the punch line of a joke I was supposedly telling. I shrugged my shoulders and he shook his head in dismay, "You've worked for White Star Line for how long and you don't know he's the president? I really do worry about you sometimes, lad."

"I didn't even know he was on board." I told him, ignoring his comment, "What does he look like?"

"Brown hair, around your height, mustache, prim and proper gentleman. He was with the skipper quite a bit…yes, more coffee please." he said to the waiter who had approached the table.

Maybe I had seen him, but at the moment I couldn't remember clearly if I had or not.

"Excuse me, Mr. Lowe?"

Both Light's and I looked up from our breakfast and right at Sarah's grandfather. Quickly I stood up, fumbling a bit with my limbs and shook his hand.

"Mr. Wilkes, how nice to see you again."

Lights looked near laughter, but held it in and stood up slowly and expertly and shook hands with him as well. "Charles Lightoller," he told him, "It's very nice to meet you, sir."

"And you, Mr. Lightoller. If you pardon me, I would like to have a word with this young man."

"Oh, it's no trouble. I was just leaving in fact." he turned to me and winked, "See you this afternoon…Mr. Lowe."

I shot him an evil glare as he walked away and Mr. Wilkes took his chair. I sat down quickly with him, trying my best not to disrespect him.

He looked at me, thoughtfully, for a moment and then began to speak, "I'm sorry to come uninvited, I hope I didn't interrupt anything."

I shook my head, "No, sir you didn't."

He nodded and smiled, "Good," he took a deep breath, "I wanted to say first and foremost, Mr. Lowe that I know the relationship between you and my Granddaughter has gone beyond that of a ship's officer and passenger. I know that you think fondly of one another and…"

_Oh god, he was going to kill me…_

"…I'd like to say that I'm quite pleased."

There was nothing in my mouth, yet I managed to nearly choke when he said that. I reached for my water glass and took a long gulp trying to make the feeling go away. From across the table, Mr. Wilkes looked amused with my reaction.

"Not the answer you were expecting, I gather?"

I shook my head.

He nodded, "Yes, I've successfully managed in keeping many young men away from her that I knew to be no good. I'm sure people have noticed and made their own assumptions. Sarah herself probably even has. But the truth of the matter was that I didn't want my granddaughter to be like every other woman in this damn toffee-nosed society. You knew her cousin, Rose, didn't you?"

"Yes, yes I did."

"Shackles and chains are not something a bride should have to wear while walking down the isle. And that's what Caledon Hockley had her in, I'm not sure if you've met him or not…"

"We've crossed paths." I replied glumly.

"And you seem to have the same opinion of him that I do, which makes me respect you even more." he added with a slight nod, making me feel as if I were actually worthy of his company. The new feeling relaxed me and I felt my body loosen up and I became more attentive to what he was saying.

"His father, Nathan, is far worse…if that's at all possible. His brother, however, is more like his mother. Eugenia is a very lovely woman and Taylor has her same qualities, but even with that considered I was enraged when George informed me last night that Hailey wanted Sarah to marry him.

"I will not have my own flesh and blood become another pawn in Hockley's game. She is a Wilkes and we are known for our perseverance and ability to succeed. The woman on this side of the family married when they themselves chose to. It was never forced. Even my own wife made me wait 6 weeks before answering my marriage proposal." he looked at me with a grin, "To me, that was forever." he added.

I chuckled softly, feeling even more comfortable around him.

"For most of Sarah's life I have been quite cold and distant towards her, for reasons I don't wish to disclose at the moment, but I was. And I owe her this; I owe her the chance at a life she otherwise wouldn't have and yesterday when I saw you two together, I knew that this was my chance. I have to ask, Mr. Lowe…do you love my granddaughter, and by that I mean do you care for her and are willing to sacrifice your whole life if you had to, even if it meant giving up something of importance to you?"

"Yes, sir I do."

He took a breath then focused his eyes intently on me, "Do you want to marry her?"

"If it had been possible, I would have already."

"Very well then," he nodded, "If that is what she wants, then you two have my blessing. I'll pay for it all and make sure that Sarah receives all of her inheritance from me and her father."

Under any other circumstances I would have been overjoyed to hear those words, but I felt there was more to the situation than what he was telling me.

"Why me?" I asked him, "I'm not anything special. I really have nothing to offer her."

"In time you will. I like you Mr. Lowe. You're down to earth, have morals and use your intelligence. I've followed the Titanic incident very closely and know the courageous things that you did-"

"Sir, I didn't do anything anyone else wouldn't have done."

"Yes, but that is my very point, no one else did it. No one else went back, did they?"

I realized he was right, and I shook my head, sick over the thought.

"The bottom line is Mr. Lowe, is that you are a true man. You saved lives, while some like Caledon Hockley managed to smuggle their way onto a lifeboat, taking a place that could have gone to an innocent woman or child. He may no longer call himself a gentleman and his entire family should be ashamed of his actions."

"Both on the Titanic and most recently." I added, not realizing what I had said until after I had said it.

He looked at me with eyebrows raised, "I'm sorry?"

"Nothing…well no it IS something." I took a deep breath, realizing fully what could come of what I was about to say, "In short, Mr. Wilkes, I don't like Hockley and I don't want him anywhere near Sarah. It has been brought to my attention that he's been making…advances towards her, which are neither appropriate nor wanted."

I could see him tense up and his aged, yet still full of fortitude, became a dreadful red color. In all honesty, he reminded me of Sarah. I guess I now knew where she inherited that trait from. All the same I was nearly regretful for a moment that I had even opened my mouth.

"What does he want with her?" he asked through clenched teeth.

I hesitated before telling him, I wanted to soften the blow as much as I could, "To marry her."

"I see." he looked around us, taking notice of the 50 or so other people that were dining around us, he then leaned closer towards me, "Sarah has not mentioned any of this to me."

"She won't even admit it to herself, much less anyone else. She seems to think that if she ignores it, it will go away."

"Just like her grandmother." I heard him mutter, but pretended that I hadn't. There was a long pregnant pause before he spoke again, but when he did his voice was firm and articulate, "This is not going to go unnoticed. I assume I'm right in thinking that I will have your help in the matter."

"Without a doubt sir." I replied, my voice filled with a confidence that I had never known before. How far I had come in only two weeks. This was a man I used to fear, and now he was an ally. I couldn't help but be smug about the fact that Hockley was getting what he deserved. Mr. Wilkes had said himself that his actions wouldn't go unnoticed, and I could only hope that meant wiping that arrogant smile off of his damn face and putting an end to what he was doing to Sarah for good.


	45. Bittersweet Symphony

Alias: I'm so glad you like my story. I really hope you enjoy this chapter and that I don't disappoint you : )

KM: That's an interesting theory. I have plans for the little girl they both saw, so you will be seeing her again. I hope you like what I do with her though…I'm pretty sure you will : )

Sara: I'm glad you understand everything now, I'm sorry if I wasn't being very clear for you before.

Tipper, Roxy, Anarra, Gucci, MG, Norma, Neverlandsprincess, and Janell: Your reviews are always so wonderful and give me the much needed lift to write more and more! Love you guys!

A/N: An exciting moment. I decided to start that Pearl Harbor fic I was talking about a few chapters back! It's called Always in My Heart and is of course in the PH section. Lol don't worry I won't get evil if you guys don't read it, I was just letting you know I actually did it! Woo Hoo for me!

Oh yeah and seriously I'm getting worried about Sancti. She was one of my best reviewers and she's suddenly vanished…I'm thinking Alien Abduction…any other theories? Lol just thought I'd say something : )

I also got around to finally naming the chapters! lol that was a big thing for me, so no laughing! The majority of them are titles froms songs that fit the chapter (well to me anyway) like the one when Sarah and Harry...well YOU KNOW for the first time, I thought Here with Me, by Dido was PURRRFECT! Other times the TITLE itself made sense but the lyrics didn't...does that make sense? lol probably not, but anyway enjoy...

And now…A whole Chapter from Cal's POV!

Chapter 45

_Tuesday, April 23, 1912 - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - Evening _

**(Jumped ahead a couple of days)**

"…He doesn't seem the least bit upset about the incident. It bothers me, Nathan."

"Eugenia, you should just stay out of it…."

I was home in Pittsburgh. I had arrived earlier that afternoon, regretfully I might add. The last thing I wanted was to have Sarah and that officer out of my sight, after all it wasn't going to be too much longer before she would be mine and I needed to make sure that that happened without incident. But it was required; I had to explain both the loss of the diamond and rose to my parents.

I was thinking about all of this as I strolled the halls and corridors of The Laurels, my parent's home which was located about a mile outside of the city. It was one of the largest in the area with 36 bedrooms, 3 kitchens, 2 ballrooms and numerous other rooms that I had probably never entered in my life. There was no question that it was all for show, after all the president of Hockley Steel could have nothing but the best and it was foolish to think otherwise.

At my mother's insistence, the house was furnished with the finest furniture and contained more valuables than any museum. The halls were filled with paintings and other antiques that were worth more than the house itself. On my walks throughout the house I always found something new to look at, and this stroll was no exception, except for the fact that it was my parent's voices coming from their sitting room, on the 2nd floor of the house, that distracted me instead of some new valuable.

I stopped in the dim hall and listened through the crack of the door to their conversation.

"…It's such a waste, Rose was perfect for him."

My father agreed, "A union between us and them would have benefited the company. The Montgomery's are one of the most respected families in this country, they're royalty. A Hockley boy with a Montgomery granddaughter would have been more than antiquate…"

_There's still a chance_

I grinned at the thought of Sarah being my wife and finally having what I deserved, I then continued to listen.

"…still, there is still a chance. I've been in talks with Hailey about Sarah and Taylor marrying for awhile now. With her finishing school this year, I'm sure we'll be planning a wedding soon."

My jaw tightened and I could feel my anger about to blow from inside of me. Quickly and as quietly as I could I stalked away from the door and headed back down the hall, going back the path I had just created.

They were idiotic, all of them. No one seemed to understand that she was mine! I was going to have her, despite what anyone said. I would make her my wife and she would love me and honor me the way that I deserved. She was the kind of woman that needed a true man and Officer Lowe wasn't even close to being one.

I smiled, Yes, I was going to have her and no one was going to stop me.

"Nate, please sit up at the table…"

"…No no no no no!"

"NATHAN, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!"

So began dinner that evening. My sister Virginia, and brother-in-law, Hamilton had come up from Atlanta along with my annoying and bothersome nephew, Nate. He sat across from me at the large dining room table and was slumping down in his chair and waving his napkin around and slapping Virginia with it.

Hamilton had finally it and upon yelling at his son he got up and grabbed onto him tightly and dragged him out of the room. You could hear Nate's screaming, even after the door had been closed. Virginia looked embarrassed and apologized to the rest of us who were sitting there; myself, mother, father and Taylor.

"I'm so sorry; I don't know what's gotten into him."

"Discipline never hurt anyone, Virginia. What that boy needs is a hard smack across the backside." Father said, obviously as irritated as I was. And who could blame him, that child was the perfect example of spoiling gone wrong and why children should never be allowed to come out of a nursery. I shook my head in shame at my sister.

She had married Hamilton Moore for one reason and one reason only; because he had put her in a family way. She had been 16 when it happened and I don't think Mother and Father ever quite recovered from the shame. Their hope was that at least the child would be a blessing; yes he was a blessing…from hell. He was 8 years old and had caused more terror upon the earth than any villain in recorded history.

When he was two he bit my arm so hard he tore the skin and even left a scar that remains there to this day. When I had brought Rose to Thanksgiving dinner last year he threw a glass of red wine all over her dress, ruining it and leaving her with a face just as red as her gown. I had more contempt for the child than I cared to think about.

Virginia looked at my father, her eyes watering. She always wanted to please him, but she hadn't been able to do that for 8 years now. "Yes, sir. I will try and…"

"Theirs is no trying, Virginia! That child is a menace and controls you. You need to be firm and let him know who is in charge!"

With her chin quivering as if she were a child herself instead of a woman of 26, she answered with a nod and then reached for her beverage and sipped it as if it could give her the strength she needed to battle her child and then got up and followed Nate's screams out of the dining room, shutting the door behind her.

The quiet was deafening and Mother seized the opportunity to talk to me, "Caledon, we are all so grateful that you're here with us this evening. Aren't we, Nathan…Taylor?"

My father grunted a 'Yes' from his spot to my left and Taylor, who was to my right nodded in agreement.

Mother looked displeased that neither one of them had carried on the conversation. I didn't expect either one of them to. Father was still upset about the diamond and Taylor hadn't spoken a word to me since I had arrived this afternoon.

"Of course we are all sorry that Rose could not be. It's so unfortunate that you two were separated and couldn't have gotten off together."

Taylor looked over at me and I could see his jaw tense up, but he looked back down before I could really make anything of it and continued on with his dinner.

"Yes, Mother it is."

"I just can't believe that she refused to leave you-"

"Neither can I." Taylor replied under his breath, still not looking up.

Mother gave him an odd look before continuing, "It must have broken your heart to know that you left, thinking that she had as well. So many people lost their loves that night, it is such a tragedy.

"Yes, a tragedy." I concluded.

"Everyone I have spoken to sends their deepest regards and sympathy. She was such a lovely girl. And they all remark on how brave you were to help all of those people and have the strength to swim to a lifeboat after the ship went down."

"Yes, Cal, that is such a valiant story, why don't you tell it to us again?" Taylor spoke up, his tone was sarcastic and I glared at my brother.

"No, it's not appropriate dinner conversation." I replied coolly and went to my drink.

"Oh please, big brother, I would love to hear of your heroism and selfless deeds. How many people was it that you saved again? I think you mentioned 5 at one point…but then again this afternoon you said 10. Which was it Cal?" he said, getting up from the table and staring down at me.

I cleared my throat, feeling the looks of my father and mother upon me, burning, making my anger boil, "I don't quite recall." I replied through gritted teeth.

"I wonder why…perhaps because it's nothing but garbage could have something to do with it?" he snapped.

"TAYLOR! How dare you say such a thing to your brother!" Mother remarked, shocked by Taylor's outburst.

"Please Mother; do you honestly think that Rose would refuse to leave a sinking ship because she wanted to be with him? That girl hated him and we all know that. She made that more than clear whenever she was over here and or ever in his company! And as for him saving people…" he looked down at me and laughed, "God, I can't even keep a straight face when I try to even conjure the image in my head!"

"Taylor that's quite enough-" Father began but I cut him off.

"It sounds as if you don't believe me, Taylor." I said rising from chair. Challenging him with my height wouldn't work, since he was a good two inches taller than I was, but my anger was far more capable than his and we both knew that.

To my surprise though, he didn't back down. "No, I don't. I don't believe a word that has come out of your mouth since you returned is a fact."

"Is that so?" I asked, balling up my fist and preparing to throw a punch when Father intervened. He came between us and grabbed my arm fiercely.

"THAT IS ENOUGH! YOU TWO IN MY OFFICE…RIGHT NOW!"

He pushed us out of the dining room and marched us down the hall to his office. Treating us like we were children again. Once in his office he roughly shoved us both into a chair.

"What the hell is going on with you two! You are grown men and you'll solve your problems in a mature way, is that understood!"

"Yes, sir it is." Taylor said, avoiding his gaze.

I didn't answer, this situation was altogether ridiculous. I was thirty years old and should be treated as such. My twenty-two year old brother was the one acting like the child.

"Caledon!" Father barked at me.

I looked at him, annoyed, and sighed. "As crystal." I told him.

"Good, now settle it!" and with that he left the room.

"You son of a bitch," Taylor began, "We both know you're lying through your teeth."

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Like hell you do," he stood up, "None of what you said is true!"

"Why would you say a dreadful thing like that? Rose was my fiancée." I smiled.

He shook his head and turned around. Thinking that he was leaving the room I let my guard down and rose from the chair as well, but he suddenly whirled around and threw a punch in my face, slamming his fist right against the side of my cheek.

I fell back into the chair, shocked and rose quickly, although unsteady and raised my fist to do the same to him, but he was quicker than I and threw two more at my face before I could even breathe.

"What is it Cal? Forget how to be a man? Let me remind you!" he shoved me into the large bookcase causing the case itself to shake and books to come falling off it, "A thousand people had to die, but you had to live! How many men left behind woman who actually loved them and you just stealing a spot in one of the boats! How did you do it? Bribe someone, an officer perhaps? You're not above it, I know you too well! Look at me you bastard!" he grabbed hold of my chin and turned me roughly so that I was facing him, "I've never seen you swim a day in my life," he spat, "Whatever you did is low even for you! I'm ashamed to call you my brother!" he dropped me like I was leper and backed away, watching me fall to the floor.

"For the rest of my life I'm going to have to live with the embarrassment that I'm your brother."

I could feel the blood running out of my nose and went to touch it, making sure that it wasn't broken. Sighing heavily he threw me a handkerchief. "No girl is going to be caught dead as your bride to be now. Frankly I'm thankful, without a wife you won't get a cent from Father, and you'll never run the company."

"Oh and you want it, I guess?"

He laughed, "Hardly. But I'll put someone in charge that is actually competent enough to do it."

"And you say that no woman will want to marry me-"

"There's more to a marriage than money and power, or are you too insolent to realize that."

I laughed, obviously he didn't know very much. Hearing him speak so openly with stupidity confirmed to me that Sarah would never want to marry him.

He glared at me, his jaw tensing up again, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I was just thinking," I said rising from the floor and dabbing my nose quickly, "That I really have nothing to worry about with Sarah."

He looked confused and his frustration broke, "Sarah? Sarah who?"

"Sarah Wilkes, oh you remember her don't you?" I mocked, "Rose's cousin. She was with us on the Titanic. Father and her Grandmother are arranging for you two to marry, but it seems that isn't going to happen if you care nothing for money or power."

"And you think she'll marry you? Good Lord, you are dafter than I thought. I haven't seen Sarah in years but there's no way she'd marry you, or that her Grandfather would let that happen."

"Ah yes, but it isn't her Grandfather that's in charge of her, it's her Grandmother and she both pities and admires me." I replied smugly.

"You're sick!" he said looking at me with disgust, I simply smiled at him though. "I'd marry her just to keep her away from you!"

"That's the least of my worries," I threw the handkerchief back at him and he threw it off the side in repulsion. "You see Taylor; I know that Sarah needs a real man. A gentleman with money and power, something you will never have. You're always going to be second to me…" I came closer to him, nearly an inch away from his face, "Always." I said in a dark whisper.

"You couldn't be any more atrocious even if you tried!" he whispered just as darkly back at me.

"I miss the days when you were afraid of me."

"They're long gone, Cal. And as God is my witness I'm going to make you suffer for what you have done. I will tell everyone."

"Where's your proof?"

"I'll find it. Trust me I'll find It." and he left the room, my laughter following him.

He couldn't touch me, I was Caledon Hockley, and nothing can touch me. Not even my brother, my idiotic, naïve brother.


	46. I Belong to You

**Well I'm going to be the first to admit that this isn't one of my better chapters. I am SO tired this week! (it has to be the turkey) It doesn't help that I stayed up until about 9 this morning to do the Black Friday thing with my mom. I was standing outside of Wal-mart at FOUR IN THE MORNING! And let me tell you there are some psychos out there. Some pregnant lady was practically pushing me through the door with her stomach…lol. The things people will do huh?**

**Anyway back to the chapter, it's a lot shorter than normal and not quite as…um suspenseful (at least to me). But I hope you guys like it, it's some quality Sarah and Harry time.**

**Mostly everyone's reviews had to do with Taylor…**

**He was GREAT wasn't he! I think I've mentioned before that I'm a huge Charmed fan…anyway when Billy Zane was on there last season I totally fell in love with his character Drake and that's kind of who I'm modeling Taylor after. (I.e. looks just like Cal but NICER! And doesn't approve of bad guys!)**

**I would love to address everyone's reviews separately, but I am beat! The reviews were a great as always though and I always love reading you guys' opinions and thoughts. **

**Read and enjoy! The next chapter should be better : )**

Chapter 46

_Tuesday, April 23, 1912- Washington DC_

The clock had just chimed at 6 when Grandfather and I arrived back at the hotel that night. It had been a long day, listening to the testimonies of Mr. Pitman, Mr. Fleet (one of the lookouts) and a passenger, Mr. Peuchen.

Grandfather was gracious enough to let me sit near Harry throughout the entire day, and although I wasn't sure why he did, I didn't bother to question his suggestion. Yes, he actually suggested it. Just like this morning at breakfast when he informed me he was going to be dining with some of his old colleagues from his days as a senator and he suggested that I invite Harry to dinner to keep me company.

Needless to say I was thrilled beyond words, but I kept my happiness stifled and quietly agreed to his proposal. But tonight, after we had arrived home and I was safely in my room I couldn't contain it anymore. I squealed with excitement and fell onto my bed, smiling as wide as I could for no one but myself.

When I asked Harry to come to dinner this evening I hadn't told him Grandfather wouldn't be there. I thought it would be a nice surprise considering that he and I hadn't been alone in so long. Stolen kisses and lingering glances to one another were wonderful, but it wasn't the same as being close to him, having his arms around me and being able to bask in the glow of every kiss he gave me.

Grandfather left around 6:30 and since I told Harry dinner would be at seven I made sure I was dressed and made up to perfection by 6:45; not a hair out of place or wrinkle on my dress, and waited quite impassionedly for him in the sitting room. Dinner had already been set out by the hotel staff in the dining area, I noticed, and it smelled divine, but my mind was all on Harry.

While I waited, sitting on the sleek settee in the sitting room I looked around our suite, taking it all in. We were staying at very nice hotel in the city, the Willard Intercontinental and the suite was beautiful; furnished in red, gold and mahogany. The walls and all the furniture were polished until they shown brightly and the upholstery was soft and inviting. From our third floor balcony you could clearly see the White House and the Washington Monument and they were beautiful sights.

A knock on the door interrupted my study of the suite and I eagerly rose from my chair and headed towards the door. I smoothed out my dress and hair before opening the door and greeting Harry with a smile.

"Good evening, Ms. Wilkes."

I smiled, "Good evening, Mr. Lowe. Won't you come in?"

"Thank you."

He entered the suite and I took his hat and coat and hung them up on the rack next to the door.

"Where's your Grandfather?" he asked looking around.

I stepped up next to him, "He's out for the evening, so it will just be the two of us. I do hope that's alright."

His face acquired a soft smile and we broke the silly polite routine we had been doing and wrapped our arms around one another and kissed sweetly.

"So I have you all to myself, then?" he asked, whispering romantically into my ear.

I nodded and pulled away from his embrace to smile at him, "Just the two of us."

"Something we don't get enough of."

I nodded with a faint smile on my lips and leaned in to kiss him once more. I wanted to be close to him, as close as I could be, I wanted to feel his heart beat next to my own and have it that way for eternity, but for right now I would just have to settle for eating supper next to him at the dinner table.

After we had finished Harry and I sat next to one another with our glasses of water and talked.

"Are you nervous about tomorrow?" I asked, referring to the fact that it was his turn to give his testimony.

"After hearing the questions he's asked everyone else, I think I'm prepared." he started counting off on his hand, "My past, the trials, the voyage, the ice, the Carpathia."

I smiled, "Yes, it does sound like you're prepared."

He smiled coyly, "I do try." he took a drink of his water, "What about you, are you nervous?"

"I don't know I hadn't really thought about it."

He smiled, "Well, he's probably not going to ask you about your professional background as a debutante, so I wouldn't worry too much."

As much as I wanted to scowl at him, I couldn't help but laugh, but as it slowly began to die down I began to think of what it was going to be like, reliving the experience in front of an audience.

"Are you alright?"

I nodded, "Yes, I'm fine…Do you think about it much?"

He became very solemn and nodded slowly, drifting far away from the happy moment we had shared just mere seconds ago, "It's the worst at night. I was sleeping when it happened and when I woke up I was in hell. I don't think I've had a full night's sleep since we made it to the Carpathia…I don't want to be caught off guard again."

My sleeping habits had gone unchanged, but my guilt was always with me. I thought about Rose all the time, wishing I had done something differently, wanting desperately to go back and change what I had done, but I couldn't, and I would never be able to.

"I don't like that look." he said, breaking my thoughts.

"I'm sorry. After all that's happened-"

"I know," he nodded, "First…that. Then coming here and Hockley treating you the way he has, and then this whole thing about you marrying his brother."

"That's just an idea." I replied, just as bothered about it as he, yet trying my best to remain optimistic.

"How do you know that? Have you discussed it with your Grandmother?"

I shook my head, "No, I haven't, but she wouldn't force me into marrying someone if I didn't want it."

"You know that for sure?"

The truth of the matter was that I didn't know what to expect from Nan anymore. After learning about my parents and the way she had spoken about it, I felt as if I didn't know her anymore. She had always been a woman of upstanding morals to me and to hear that she supported such a lustful and hurtful relationship, erased the image entirely.

Harry saw the doubt in my face and it confirmed his suspensions. "I thought so," he said nodding.

"Harry, I admit that I don't know for sure, but I do know that I don't want to be with Taylor. He is nice and very much a gentleman, but I haven't seen him in years and we have no kind of relationship. You don't need to worry about that."

He sighed heavily and leaned forward in his chair, resting his arms on the table. I could see from the look on his face that no matter what, he was going to worry. "I want to marry you Sarah. I'm tired of waking up every morning without you there next to me and worrying about what the day has in store for me." he paused for a beat and then continued. "I don't like living with the fear that I won't have you forever."

My head fell as I began to feel the sadness he was experiencing.

"You come from a completely different world than I do. My sisters married when they wanted to, not because of wealth or custom. They're happy in the lives they've chosen and I want that for us. I want to bring you back to Wales with me, marry you, have a family, and spend everyday of the rest of my life with you and, to me, it doesn't matter if we spend that whole time bickering, all I want is to know on my deathbed that I lived everyday that I could with you." he reached over and tilted my head up so that I was facing him, "You're the reward for every trial and test I have had in my life. If I dare try and think of a life without you I feel empty and see nothing but darkness."

He paused, sighing heavily, his emotions torturing him from the inside.

"I feel guilty because I find myself wishing for things that I shouldn't be wishing for, just so we can be together sooner."

"Like what?" I managed to ask.

He hesitated, deciding whether or not he should tell me, then spoke, "Wishing that maybe during one of those two…encounters we've had that we conceived a child."

I shifted my gaze away from him, not sure why.

"I know. I shouldn't be thinking like that." he said removing his hand from my face, "But it would be nice to think that maybe we brought something back from Titanic besides heartache."

A child? Just the mention of that triggered the thought of my mother and her having to get married because of a child. But I looked up into Harry's eyes and knew that if that were to happen it would be different for us. I didn't have an older sister that I had stolen him from, and as wrong as it was, it didn't seem like such a horrible idea to me; it would have been nice if the memory of that night wasn't going to be forever marked by disaster and terror.

"Are you going to say anything?"

"What?" I asked snapping out of my thoughts, "Oh, I-"

He rose from the table and reached for my hand, "Come on."

He pulled me up from the table, and still keeping hold of my hand, led through the set of French doors that led out to the balcony. Once we were out there, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder.

"Take a breath." he instructed.

I did so, feeling better already. I rested my own hands on top of his and closed my eyes tightly find myself in total nirvana. I was here, with him close to me, holding me in his arms. I could smell the scent of shaving cream and cologne emitting from his body and the slight breeze that surrounded us brought a peaceful and a tranquil feeling to my heart.

"Do you feel better?"

Silently I nodded, and he turned me around to face him, "Are you sure?"

I thought a moment. As wonderful as I felt, I wasn't alright. Everything that had happened since I had arrived in New York was still affecting me. Harry still didn't know about my parents and I didn't want to bring it up, but I didn't want to lie either. "No, I'm not. But it's not something I want to discuss right now…I just want to be with you."

He brought his hand up and touched my cheek softly and then cupped his hand around it and look at me intently, "As you wish." he then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back to him, holding me close to his warm body. I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head comfortably on his shoulder. That feeling of perfection and calm returned and I stood there in his arms, the two of us rocking back and forth in a slow hypnotic motion, enjoying the moment we were having together. After the Titanic, Rose, and everything else I wasn't going to take another moment of my life for granted. I clutched tighter to Harry and let myself float off into a world made for just the two of us. A place where there weren't any Cal's, hardship and heartache, it would be just the two of us, together; our heaven.


	47. Look What You've Done

**I'm just warning you guys, I had a really bad reaction to the stupid flu shot and haven't been feeling well the past few days (on top of that I caught a cold too…ick!) This was written in half feverish, half Day-Quil dazes and I apologize if it doesn't make any sense. I was really anxious to get this chapter posted, because I struggled for a long while on how to do it (Tipper, thanks so much for your help btw, I'll write you back soon, promise : ) ) anyway when I finally figured it out I just had to write. Lol.**

**All of your reviews were AWESOME! Welcome to all of the new readers and I'm so glad that you're all enjoying this story. I'm having a lot of fun with it : )**

**So here we go with Harry's testimony. Some of it is from the actual transcripts and some is from my head. I added a new Senator…Senator Roberts, who didn't actually exist, but was needed for the story. **

Chapter 47

_April 24, 1912-morning_

The next morning, after breakfast, I went back to my room and was searching through one of my trunks for a certain handbag that I knew I had brought with me when I heard a knock on the front door, echoing in from the sitting room. I didn't think much of it and went back to looking when I was interrupted a few moments later by a knock on my own door, which was open.

I looked up and saw Nan there. I was down on my knees on the floor about to look through one of my trunks knowing the polite and ladylike thing to do would be to stand, but I didn't. I stood there and looked at her, silent as could be.

"May I come in?" she asked, her words filled with apprehension.

I paused for a moment before giving her my consent. She came in and sat down on the dressing table chair. Her sovereignty could not be lost, even in a moment like this where she was totally vulnerable to me.

"Darling, I want to apologize to you about what happened in New York."

Still, I remained quiet, but my eyes fixated on her.

"Sarah, don't look at me that way. What I did in no way affects the way I feel about you, you are my granddaughter, I love you and I was only trying to make your life as perfect as it could be."

She eyed me, as I kept my lips pursed together tightly, trying my best not to lash out at her.

"I feel awful. I really do, you know how much you mean to me. It's just like you told me when you a little girl, we're kindred spirits." she sighed as the memory came back to her, "You were 4, it was right before your father passed. You were such a beautiful little thing, round little cheeks, emerald green eyes and long eyelashes…and you crawled up next to me after church one day, placed your little hand on top of my own and told me, 'Nan, I love you, we're kindred spirits, for all of forever,' I remember that as if it were yesterday."

I averted my eyes so she couldn't see the tears that had begun to water my eyes, but she knew she had gotten to me. I did remember that day, barely, but I did. She was the only maternal figure I had ever had and our closeness could never be matched, at least until Harry came into my life. But she had been there since the beginning…

_But, I reminded myself, that whole time, she was lying to you._

"Sarah, please say something." she nearly pleaded.

I looked back up at her and rose to my feet. "I think you should leave."

Now it was her turn to hide her tears from me. She turned her head down and looked to the floor, "I wish you would just understand why I did it."

"How can I when you still haven't given me a reason. Telling me you did it because you love me was a reason when I was younger, but now…there is no excuse; for why you didn't tell and for why you supported their behavior."

She snapped her head up quickly, "Ruth didn't deserve him-"

I held my hand up, "No! They were engaged, my father asked her to marry him and promises were made that should have been kept."

"And if had been that way, you, George and Rose would have never been born."

I didn't understand where she was going by saying that but it infuriated me even more, trying to use my own non-existence against me, "Yes, but things would have been morally right. Now please leave."

She stood up, her eyes the tears in her eyes gleaming in the morning light that flooded in through my windows, "I came here to make my peace, you, obviously, don't wish to do that."

"All I want is peace! Do you think I enjoy having all of the drama and tribulations of a Shakespearean play as part of my everyday life? None of this is fair, I didn't ask for any of this!"

"I know you didn't and I never meant to hurt you-"

"But that's exactly what you did. I have no idea who you are! I grew up thinking of you as a perfect person; benevolent, kind, not a touch of cruelty, but you are cruel! Aunt Ruth has lived her life in misery because of you-"

"You're defending her, after everything she has said to you!"

"I am defending myself, because someone has to! And while we are on that subject, my marrying Taylor Hockley is not even up for consideration!"

She seemed to shrink right before my very eyes and asked, meekly, "How did you find out about that?"

I sighed, "Cal told me."

She had been caught, and she knew it. "He expressed interest in marrying you as well."

"No!"

She regained her stature quickly and glared down at me, making me regret I had ever brought up the subject of Taylor, "I am you grandmother and I will choose the one who the most suited for you."

"I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own!" I said in a tone that even surprised me.

"I have a right mind to-"

"Uh, Sarah, it's about time for us to leave, the hearings start at ten." Grandfather interrupted from the doorway.

Both of our head snapped quickly in his direction and I could see the annoyance written all of his face.

Nan looked back at me and I scowled at her, "Maybe I will see you there….Good day, Jared." she said quickly and then left the room.

Both Grandfather and I watched as she walked down the short hallway and out the front door. It slammed hard, echoing all the way back down to my room, causing me to jump.

Grandfather turned to me and sighed heavily, "I'm sorry, she requested to see you."

I shook my head at him, "Don't be, let's just go." I reached for the handbag I had used the day before and my coat and hat and followed grandfather out of the suite, down the hall and downstairs where there was a car waiting to take us to the hearings.

_Harry…_

"Harry what are you doing out here?"

I looked up from the spot on the floor that I had been staring at and up at Lights who had just approached me. I was sitting outside of the room where the hearings were being held, waiting for Sarah to arrive. It was getting close to ten and she still hadn't arrived and I was beginning to worry.

"Waiting for Sarah." I told him.

He sat down next to me, "I'll keep you company then."

More people began to file into the room, senators and such all looking down at us with their noses jetted straight up into the air.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

"I wasn't until I got here this morning."

He put his hand on my shoulder and assured me that everything was going to be fine, but I wasn't so sure. After last night, I felt suddenly out of control of my own life. Mr. Wilkes had been kind enough to set up a moment for me to ask Sarah to marry me, in the proper way (apparently a pocket watch wasn't proper enough for him), and I hadn't done it. Not that I hadn't tried. All through dinner I kept telling myself after dinner, and then AFTER dinner came and went and I still hadn't. I reasoned with myself that I should tell her about Rose first, but then had a feeling she wasn't going to be in any type of mood to receive a gift of my undying love when I had just broken her heart. I kept procrastinating and before I knew it I was kissing her good-bye and walking out the door.

I still had the ring in my coat pocket, and it was lying next to me on the bench where I sat, just waiting to be slipped onto her finger.

"It's nothing, Harry. Pitman and Boxhall will tell you that."

"I know."

"They're going to ask you the same thing they asked us, maybe more sense you had the good sense to go back."

It's amazing how just a single sentence could send a mind whirling down a spiral and into hell within just a matter of seconds. I hadn't thought of it before and I didn't know why it didn't really occur to me until this moment…

_Rose_

They were going to ask me about her, and I couldn't lie, I would be under oath.

_Bloody hell._

I ram my hands furiously through my hair and let my gaze fall back down to the ground.

"Hey, perk up, your girl is coming."

I looked up quickly and saw Sarah walking towards me, in a black dress of course. I'd give anything to see her in color again.

_Rose isn't dead, so there is no sense in her wearing it in the first place._

"Good morning." I said rising.

She smiled brightly at me, "Good morning…Good morning, Mr. Lightoller." she replied turning to Lights, who took her hand and kissed it.

"Good morning, Miss Wilkes."

"Where is your grandfather?" I asked.

"He'll be along in a moment." she replied.

Lights nodded, "I think I'll head on inside…I'll see you two in there."

He bid us good-bye and went inside the room. I immediately reached for Sarah's hand and squeezed it tightly. She turned to me and I looked down at her beautiful face; her soft skin, her piercing eyes, and those lips that I wanted nothing more than to my press my own against, and told her I loved her in the silent movement of my lips.

She smiled softly and told me the same.

"Do you mean that?" I asked, in a low whisper. Guilt was ravaging me from the inside and I needed to know for sure, just for my own sake.

She looked confused, but nodded her head, "Of course I do."

I struggled for a moment, trying to find the words that I wanted to say next, when for reasons unknown to me, both Sarah and I turned towards the crowd of people that was now forming to my right and saw Hockley standing there.

He looked like he had had a run in with someone who felt the same way about him as I did. There was an obvious bruise on his nose and cheek. He smiled at us, but it was the kind of smile that made your stomach turn.

"It won't be too long now." he said and continued on into the room.

I clenched my fists in anger and glared in his direction, "I'm going to kill him."

Sarah put her hand gently on top of mine and used her other to turn my gaze back to her, "No, you're not. He's not worth it. You're going to be a gentleman and walk into the room with your held high and not even notice him. You need to have your wits about when you give your testimony today."

I shifted uncomfortably, realizing this was my last chance to tell her about Rose, before it came out in my testimony, and even if it didn't, she had to know, I wasn't going to keep lying to her. "Speaking of that, I need to talk to you about-"

"Ah Sarah, there you are."

Sarah turned around as I looked up and we both saw her grandfather approaching us.

"Mr. Lowe, very nice to see you again."

"And you sir." I said, trying to hide the discontent in my voice.

Thankfully neither one of them noticed and Mr. Wilkes turned Sarah towards him and informed her that her Grandmother was going to be joining them. Sarah looked angry, for reasons I didn't understand. I hadn't wanted to say anything, but she hadn't mentioned her Grandmother in a few days and I was wondering if they had had a disagreement.

I prayed that if they had that it wasn't about me, but I knew that if it was anything important she would have told me, so I didn't dwell on it.

Sarah and her grandfather spoke for a few minutes longer and before I had a chance to steal her back it was announced that it was time to begin.

_Later…_

I sat right in between Lights and Sarah. He to my left and she to my right and of course her grandfather was right next to her, but I didn't see her Grandmother, not that I knew what she looked like, but I expected her to be somewhere near Sarah, but she wasn't.

Senator Smith brought the room to order and announced the first person, Frederick Fleet; a lookout who had been on duty the night of the collision with the iceberg. He had begun his testimony the day before and was finishing it this morning.

They discussed his eyesight and such but I couldn't focus on much else. I kept looking over at Sarah wanting to drag her out the room and to somewhere private where I could tell her everything, but the chance never came up and before I knew my name was being called.

Sarah looked over at me and gave me a supportive smile, but as I rose from the chair and made my way towards the front of the room I wanted nothing more than too throw up and then run from the room.

I was sworn in by Senator Smith and sat down in the chair that was provided and faced the senator himself, rather than look out onto the entire room.

"Will you give your full name to the reporter?" he asked.

"Harold Godfrey Lowe." I responded.

"Where do you reside?"

I cleared my throat, "In North Wales."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-nine."

"What is your business?"

"Seaman."

"And how long have you been engaged in that business?"

"Fourteen years."

"What experience have you had?"

I took a breath, "I suppose I have had experience with every ship afloat, from the schooner to the square rigged sailing vessel, and from that to steamships of all sizes.

He looked at me, almost staring me down, "So you have been employed on sailing vessels-

"In pretty much every branch of the mercantile marine." I interrupted.

He stopped short and looked at me with raised eyebrows, then went on. "Describe, if you will, the general nature of your employment as a mariner, beginning with your first experience."

"As a sailor? It will be very long."

He gave me an odd smile, "Make it as brief as you can."

I turned and looked over at Sarah. She looked so pretty and confident and her certainty floated over the heads of the people in front of us and inside of me. I turned back to Senator Smith and began, "I ran away from home when I was about 14, and I went in a schooner. I was in seven schooners altogether, and my father wanted to apprentice me but I said I would not be apprenticed; that I was not going to work for anybody for nothing, without any money; that I wanted to be paid for my labor. That was previous to my running away. He took me to Liverpool to a lot of offices there, and I told him once for all that I meant what I said. I said, "I am not going to be apprenticed, and that settles it." So of course I ran away and went on these schooners, and from there I went to square-rigged sailing ships and from there to steam, and got all my certificates, and then for five years on the West African coast in the service there, and from there I joined the White Star Line."

"When did you join the White Star Line?" he asked not missing a beat.

I thought for a moment, "About 15 months ago."

"And the nature of your employment?"

"I was a junior officer."

"On what ship?"

"I was third on the Tropic and the Belgic, and then I was sent to Titanic."

"When did you join the Titanic?"

"March 21, in Belfast."

He then asked me about the trials that we had taken the ship out on in Belfast. I told him what my job was and he asked about the lifeboats, where they were located and if we had properly tested them.

We talked about our arrival in Southampton, sailing day and the weather for the few days we were at sea, and then finally we arrived to the day of the collision.

"Were you on duty on Sunday evening, the night of the accident?"

"I was on duty on Sunday evening, sir, from 6 p. m. to 8 p. m., and at 8 p. m. I went below."

"Were you on duty again that night, to the time of the accident?"

"No, I was not sir."

"And where were you assigned; where was your station during those two hours, from 6 to 8 o'clock?"

"From 6 to 8 I was busy working out this slip table as I told you before, and doing various odds and ends and working a dead-reckoning position for 8 o'clock p. m. to hand in to the captain, or the commander of the ship."

"What would that indicate?"

"That was to indicate time position of the ship at that time, 8 o'clock." I told him.

"Do you know what the position of time ship was at 8 o'clock?"

Regretfully, I shook my head, "No, sir, I don't remember."

"Did you make a report to the captain?"

"I handed him the slip report."

"Did you hand it to him personally?"

"No, I put it on his chart-room table."

"Did you call his personal attention to it?"

"No; we never do. We put the slip on the table; put a paper weight or something on it, and he comes in and sees it. It is nothing of any great importance."

"What did you do it for?"

"It has always been done, so that the position of the ship might be filled in the night order book."

"Does that not constitute a part of the history of that voyage and become a part of the log?"

"I am not saying it was not important for this one voyage; I am saying that in the general run of things it is not of any importance."

"That is, if there is no accident?"

"Yes; because there are thousands of things done previously-"

"But in the event of an accident?" he interrupted.

"Oh, yes; it would play an important part then." I agreed.

"You then went below, after you delivered that?"

"I went to bed at 8 o'clock," I looked over at Sarah and we exchanged small smiles.

"When were you on duty before that, on Sunday?

"From noon until 4 p. m.

"And off for two hours?

"Off for two hours; and then on again.

"You have fixed the position, or did fix the position, of that ship at 8 o'clock p. m.?

"At 8 p. m.; yes, sir.

"And you did report to the captain of the ship?

"Yes, sir.

He then paused for a moment and turned to me, stopping dead in his tracks, "There have been reports Mr. Lowe, that you were under the influence that evening…are you a temperate man?"

The question, which had come out of no where, was very insulting and it took everything I had not to snap at him, "I am sir, I have never drank in my life. I'm an abstainer."

In an almost comical way, he smiled. "I'm very glad to hear you say that."

"I say it, sir, without fear of contradiction."

"I am not contradicting you, and I congratulate you upon it; but so many stories have been circulated one has just been passed up to me now, from a reputable man, who says it was reported that you were drinking that night."

"Me, sir?"

"That is the reason I asked the question."

"No, sir, I wasn't."

"That there might not be any misunderstanding about it, I asked that question. You retired at 8 o'clock that night?"

"I was relieved from the ship at 8 o'clock." I said with a nod.

"Where was your room?"

"On the boat deck. It had no number it was simply called, 5th officer."

"What time did you go to bed that evening?"

It had to have been well after 9 before I had fallen asleep that night, but I was not about to tell him that. I looked over at Sarah and then back at him and answered, "Between 8:15 and 8:30."

"What time were you awakened?"

I thought back. Sarah had left my room around 11:15. I knew that because of what she had recounted to me a few days before. It couldn't have been any earlier considering where her room was on the ship and when she had felt the engines stop at 11:30. "I don't remember sir." I answered honestly.

I told him that when I had woken up, it was because of the voices outside of my window and that upon coming out to investigate I saw the passengers in their lifebelts and asked someone what had happened. I told him that just by walking on the ship I could tell something wasn't right and thought the ship to already be angled 12 or 15 degrees.

"What did you do after you went out on the deck and ascertained the position of the ship in the water, and saw what had occurred?"

"I crossed over to the starboard side and assisted Mr. Wilde in lowering Number 5."

For the next 15 minutes we discussed the lifeboats and how I went about loading them. He asked many questions about all of that, things I thought he would have picked up by now, considering he had been talking with an officer everyday since the trial began.

He began to get obviously agitated with me, especially when he asked me about lowering 3 and 5. It hadn't been pull, only 32 people aboard and he seemed to think that I had wanted it that way. In truth not many people wanted to get on the boat. It's not like I could physically pick them up and put them on myself. It was getting harder and harder to hold my temper with this man.

The thought of that little girl was still etched in my mind. I could still see her face; those eyes looking up at me, stabbing at my heart.

"Mr. Lowe, I'm asking you how many woman were in boat 3."

I shook myself out of my thoughts and answered, "I do not know sir. I know there must have been pretty nearly an equal percentage of men and women in No. 3.

"How do you know that?

"Because there were not many women there.

"Not many women there to respond?

"No, sir.

"And so you took men?

"Yes, sir; so as to get the lifeboats away.

"And you do not know what men were in No. 3?

"No, sir."

"Were there any children."

I thought of that little girl again before I answered, "Some, from I can remember."

Thankfully we moved away from the subject and soon came upon myself and 14. Again, he managed to ask the most ignorant questions, and I answered each and every one of them, even when he wasn't making any sense.

Then it came the part I had been dreading, every since we had started…

"You were the only lifeboat to go back and look for survivors among the wreckage, how many did you find?"

I paused, and then answered, "Five."

"Five…a Mr. Lang, Mr. Stewart, Mr. Hoyt, Mr. Phillimore and a woman, correct?"

I took a breath, "Yes."

"Do you remember her name?"

I shook my head, "No, sir, I don't."

It took me a moment but I then realized that he didn't know either. How that had happened, I didn't know, but none the less it had.

I was so relieved that I hadn't been forced to lie or to have Sarah hear the truth about Rose in a room full of people that I eagerly answered every question he fired at me after that and before I knew it, he was asking me to step down.

"Senator Smith, I would like a chance to ask Mr. Lowe a few questions, if that's alright." spoke up another senator.

Senator Smith looked back at me and then to the other senator, "Yes, Senator Roberts, that's fine." he went to sit down, while this Senator Robert's rose from his seat and came over towards me.

"Please sit back down, Mr. Lowe."

I sat, not quite sure what else there was to ask of me.

"Mr. Lowe, as it's already known, you were the ship 5th officer, and you stated that you have been with White Star Line for over a year, is that correct?"

"Yes, sir, it is."

"Now, just as with any job, there are certain rules that you must follow and in your case one of those rules is that a ships crew must have as little contact with the passengers as possible."

"Sir, that's more of a guideline."

"But it is frowned upon all the same isn't it?"

"I suppose-"

"Good, now I will ask my next question. Miss Sarah Wilkes, a first class passenger…you two developed a relationship, is that true?"

"Yes, sir."

"Can you describe that relationship please?"

I looked at Sarah, who looked just as confused as I felt, and then quickly looked away before anyone noticed, "Describe? Well I met her when she accompanied Mr. Andrews to the bridge one day and he asked me to show her around."

"Mr. Andrews did?"

"Yes, sir."

"When was that?"

"The 12th, I believe."

"Now is it not a guideline of the White Star Line that crew should have little to no contact with the ship's passengers."

"Uh, yes, sir it is."

"Then why, after showing Miss Wilkes the ship did you contain over the next few days to have contact with her."

"I believe we just enjoyed the other's company."

He looked over at Sarah and then back at me, "Yes, she does look to be good company."

"Sir, that's not what I meant. Miss Wilkes is a lady and I have treated her as such since the day we met on the ship."

"Senator may I asked where you are going with this?" Senator Smith spoke up.

"Please, just a few more questions senator, I am just trying to prove the claim of Mr. Lowe's responsibility on board the ship, may I continue?'

Senator Smith, to my dismay, allowed it.

"You treated her as a lady you say?"

"Yes, I did."

He nodded, and I could feel Hockley's eyes on me again, he seemed to be sitting on the edge of his seat. Tension began to build up inside of me and I could feel the pressure weighing me down.

"I am not a gambling man, Mr. Lowe, but I am willing to bet that many men would not see you having Miss Wilkes alone in your cabin on the night of the collision as treating her like a lady."

People all around the room gasped and my head snapped towards him, not believing he had just said that. Then my mind immediately went to Sarah.

She sat there frozen in her seat, white as a sheet. I gulped back, not knowing what to do. Then I saw him, his face different from all of the others, there was a horrific happiness in the smile that he wore.

_Hockley!_

"Order, Order! Please come to order!" Senator Smith yelled over the crowd, but no one listened. Everyone was talking amongst themselves and their eyes were all on her, even her grandfather.

She looked at me, her jaw trembling and suddenly leapt up from her chair, pushed past Lights and ran out of the room. I stood up to go after her.

"Mr. Lowe-" Senator Robert's started but I pushed him out of my way and ran out of the room to find Sarah. She was at the end of the hallway standing by a window tears pouring from her eyes and she looked up at me, scared and helpless.

"It's just amazing how this all worked out, isn't it?"

I turned and came face to face with Hockley. Angrily I pushed him against the wall, "What did you do bribe him!"

"You're acting as if you didn't expect that. Pity, I anticipated you to have more intelligence than that."

"You god damn…" I raised my fist and was ready to throw a punch when someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.

"Don't!"

"Get your bloody hands off of me!"

It was Lights. He pulled me away from Hockley and Hockley evil smile aimed itself towards me.

"Stop, Harry!"

I ignored him though, "YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART DON'T YOU! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE HER FROM ME!"

"I already have. No man in decent society will want her now that she's been with the likes of you. She's mine for the taking, I'll probably get twice the dowry than you would have ever had, just to get her off her Grandmother's hands." he replied curtly.

That was it, this had gone far enough. With strength I didn't know I had, I pulled myself out of Lights' grasp and lunged at him and threw a punch at his face, then his stomach, anywhere I could get. He fell to the floor and I followed him, not wanting him to get away with any of this.

It took three men to pull me off of him; Lights, Boxhall, who had come out of the room, and another who I didn't know.

"Will you stop it?" Lights hissed at me, "Go to her, she just had all of her decency ripped away from her in a room full of people and the last thing she needs to see is you getting arrested."

I took his advice and practically ran down the hallway to Sarah, who had seen the whole thing and watched Hockley struggle to get back up off the floor. I had to physically turn her away from the sight and brought her into my arms.

"Young man, I order you to get your hands off of my granddaughter this instant!"

I turned away just in time for an older woman to pull me away from Sarah and then grabbed her roughly by the arm, Sarah's face contorted in pain, but she didn't try and free herself.

"Get away now, or I'll summon the policeman!"

"Hailey be reasonable!" Mr. Wilkes said, approaching us.

"Sarah is my responsibility and this young man has taken advantage of her! Forced himself on her I'm sure! Look at her, she's petrified of him."

"I highly doubt that that's why she's in such a state-"

"I'm taking her home! Today!"

"No!" I reached for Sarah but the woman, who obviously was her grandmother, shot daggers at me with her eyes.

"Don't you come near her! You have ruined her life; no man will ever want her now! I intend to get a court order to keep her away from you. Come Sarah…" she pulled Sarah away from Mr. Wilkes and me and down the hall towards the buildings front doors. Sarah didn't pull her eyes off of me until she turned a corner and disappeared altogether.

I damned Hockley and turned back to look at the sorry state he was in. Two men were helping him off the floor and he was bruised and bloodied, but I couldn't have cared less. A part of me wanted to make his day and tell him that Rose was alive, but I wasn't going to ruin three lives today. Turning back towards the direction that Sarah had gone, I vowed to get her back. I had to, there was no questioning that.

**Alright, to bed I go. Leave me nice reviews (not that you guys ever give me BAD ones lol) who knows maybe they'll make my road to recovery less bumpy…and wow that was long…14 pages…whew!**


	48. Take Me Away

**Sorry this took so long to post, I was REALLY sick. It was really bad, I have so much catching up to do. All of my favorite stories got updated and I so want to R/R so I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, even though its short.**

Chapter 48-Take Me Away

_Taylor's POV_

Mr. Lowe certainly had done a number on my brother. I couldn't blame the man though, it was obvious that he had something to do with those questions that revealed more than needed to be known about Ms. Wilkes' and his relationship. I could see the smug smile of satisfaction on Cal's face as Ms. Wilkes had run from the room and Mr. Lowe went to follow her and when I myself made my way through the upset crowd and out into the crowd, my suspicions were confirmed when I found him Mr. Lowe beating the living pulp out of my brother.

I helped another man pulled Mr. Lowe off of Cal and bent down to examine his wounds, while Mr. Lowe ran down the hall to find her. Seeing the bloodied lip and bruised cheeks, I could already see that he had done far more damage than I had done not long ago. Cal managed to pick himself up though and looked down towards the upset couple before taking himself into the men's room that was down the hall.

More people had begun to come out of the room, all talking about what had just happened, one of them being Mrs. Montgomery, Ms. Wilkes' grandmother. She marched down the hall and quickly pried Mr. Lowe off of her granddaughter. I sighed heavily, and turned away from the sight.

My brother was ignorant, but never was that more apparent than right now. How, in his labyrinth like mind, did his think that creating this kind of situation would be at all beneficial to him? Mrs. Montgomery wasn't going to let that girl out of her sight at all and there was no way that our father would stand for him even thinking about a marriage with her. Not that I would have let that happen anyway, she was far too kind to be his wife. I had thought the same thing about Rose, but no one had listened to me then either.

"These hearings just keep getting more and more exciting, don't they?" my partner in saving my good for nothing brother, asked.

I turned to him, "I wouldn't know, it's my first day." I replied, thankful that I had taken my mother's advice and joined Cal when he left Pittsburgh last night.

He gave me a half smile, "You picked a good day to start, I'm Charles Lightoller." he said, offering his hand.

I shook it, "Taylor Hockley."

"You must be his brother then." he said, indicating the direction Cal had gone.

I nodded, "Yes, that's the theory."

He looked down at where Mr. Lowe now stood with Mr. Wilkes and shook his head, "Harry's a good man, this shouldn't have happened. Although I feel partially responsible, I should have said something, being his superior officer and all."

"Somehow I don't think that would have made a bit of difference."

He turned back to me, "You really think so."

"Trust me."

He shook his head, "The sinking is was hard enough, but this is cruelty."

"I agree."

"How is you niece?" he asked.

I looked at him, confused, "What niece?"

"Your brother's daughter."

I almost laughed, Cal have children? Nothing was more ridiculous than the thought of him being a father, "I'm sorry, you must be mistaken."

"I could have sworn that…ah never mind, maybe you're right. I'd best be getting back inside…Good day to you." he said and started to leave

A sudden idea crept into my mind and I stopped him, "Why did you think he had a daughter?"

He paused for a moment, recalling the moment he was looking for in his mind, "Well, I never left the ship, as I've stated in my testimony, but you wouldn't know that. I stayed on until the very end….anyway I saw him board a lifeboat with a child, a little girl, 4 or 5 maybe. Chief Officer Wilde was in charge of it, he was a very good friend of mind and…wait if that wasn't his child then…"

I shook my head, both disgusted an amazed at my brothers gall, "That bastard."

_Meanwhile…_

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? YOU'RE 17 YEARS OLD! YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS OVER WITH BECAUSE OF YOUR LUST!" she seized me by the shoulders, forcing me to look her in the eye, "DID YOU HERE ME? IT'S OVER WITH SARAH! THIS WILL SURELY MAKE THE EVENING PAPERS AND THEN EVERYONE WILL KNOW! YOU DISGRACED US ALL, MYSELF, YOUR BROTHER, YOUR GRANDFATHER…"

I was crying so hard, I was gasping for my breath but she didn't care, she had been yelling at me since we had gotten to her hotel room and I knew she had no intention of stopping. I sat in the chair she had practically thrown me in, trapped in her arms, all the while, my heart breaking.

"Stop it! Your tears cannot help you!" she let me go and in a fury began ringing her hands together, pacing the room, "I'm too old for this. I've been through this once already and I'm not doing it again!" she spun around and looked at me again, "You have disappointed me, Sarah, like no one has ever done before."

My tears suddenly died down, and I found myself looking agape at her. I couldn't find the words but in my mind I wanted to scream and yell at her. What I had done wasn't half as wrong as what my mother had done, but she was so blasé that she couldn't even see that. All that mattered to her was the fact that the whole world knew, or that they would soon.

"All he wants is your money! Can't you see that? You're a pretty young girl who happens to be a millionaire and that's all he saw…"

I bit my lip, knowing that she was wrong, but it was painful to hear such impertinent words about Harry.

"…You'll never be able to show your face in society again! You have not only shamed yourself, but OUR family as well….What do you have to say for yourself?"

In a swift motion she grasped my face with her hand and turned it harshly towards her, her fingernails clawing their way into my skin.

"Stop!" I pleaded with her, but she pressed them in even further, egging me on.

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?" she screamed at me, leaving a pain in my ears that now equaled the pain in my face, but I didn't answer. I couldn't find the words to defend what I had done and it left me with a sick, nauseous feeling in my stomach. She released me with a huff and began to turn around, but suddenly turned back and slapped me hard across the face.

More in shock than in pain I slumped back into the chair, my hand coming up to my face to feel my cheek pulsating and hot from the impact.

"I-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! We are leaving for Philadelphia in the morning where I can secure you properly in my house. You will not be allowed to see or speak to anyone until this whole matter has blown over and I seriously doubt that will be anytime soon!"

"Rose's funeral-"

"Will go along fine without you there! Brigit, Brigit GET IN HERE!" she called to her maid, her came running into the room.

"Tell Richard to go to Mr. Wilkes' suite and gather Miss Sarah's personal belongings. We will be living in the morning for home."

Brigit curtsied quickly and left the room just as fast as she entered it.

Nan looked back at me and shook her head in disgust, causing more tears to spurt forth from my eyes. "I meant what I said; your whole life is ruined. No man will ever marry you now, and you're far more ignorant than I thought if you think I will let that man anywhere near you again. So get used to being alone, it's going to be the norm from here on in." and with that said she stalked quickly out of the room and slammed the door so hard the walls shook.

I slipped down out of the chair and onto the floor, my tears stinging as they fell from my eyes. I felt as weak as a newborn and just as vulnerable. I clutched myself, seeking any kind of comfort I could find from within, but there was none. I was alone, devastated and alone. When I was a child, I used to believe in guardian angels, and I prayed at that moment that they were real and that one would come down and just take me away from all of this. But no one came. And no one was going to; I was alone, truly alone.

I gasped at the thought and slumped over as more tears came forth and the pain began to ravage my poor heart even more. I wanted someone, anyone to take me away…

_Please, please…take me away…_


	49. I Cry

Chapter 49

"_It's not too late…you know it isn't."_

_She smiled and it was frightening how calm she appeared to be, to know that within a few seconds she would be jumping back onto the ship that was going to carry her to death. As if an invisible force was holding me down, I watched as she flung herself from the safety of our lifeboat and back on board the Titanic._

_I felt my heart sink as I watched her disappear from my sight into a crowd of others all as doomed as she. _

"_Come back!" I wanted to scream, "Come back! Rose!" but she didn't. I yelled louder, and louder, maybe just maybe she would hear me._

Thursday, May 9, 1912- Early morning

"Rose! No, COME BACK! ROSE!"

"Miss Sarah! Miss Sarah, wake up!"

I pulled myself out of the nightmare and opened my eyes to find that I wasn't in a lifeboat, but in my own bedroom in Philadelphia, staring right into Brigit's concerned blue eyes. She clutched me tightly by the shoulders and I could feel her practically shaking me out of my delirium.

My heart was pounding and my breathing erratic and I had to look around the room for a long moment just to reassure myself that I was actually where I thought I was. I saw the high ceiling, the decorative molding over the doorways, the light oak furniture and the mauve colored walls, yes this was my room. I felt confident of that and turned back to Brigit, whose face was now filled with worry.

"Miss, it's nearly 4 in the morning..."

I took her word for it, since Nan had taken the liberty of shutting me away from the rest of the world the moment we had arrived here almost a week ago; this included locking me in my room, putting dark curtains in my windows and only allowing herself and Hannah to come into contact with me. Sometimes it felt as if I had lost all concept of time, and I didn't have the strength to fight her about any of it.

The day that everything happened I thought I had a good handle of my life and the choices I was making. For the first time in my life I felt completely responsible and in control of what was going on around me, but the moment that everything had come out I felt as if I had been accosted from behind and had it all ripped away from me. Since then I had hadn't said more than two words to Nan and found myself going farther and farther into my isolated world, secluding myself from reality and all the pain that was out there waiting for me.

Everyone knew what had happened. Nan pointed this out the day we left New York, the papers were filled with the gossip and people of all circles filled in the gaps themselves. I was being called all sorts of names and they all assumed the worst. Nan was right; I would never be able to show my face in society again, though, that was the least of my worries, I could have cared less about balls and elegant parties, all I wanted was Harry.

I wasn't allowed to see any of the papers, so I didn't know what had happened with the hearings, they could have ended, and they could have not. I had never been allowed to give my testimony.

I assumed that Nan had done something to make sure that I didn't speak although I couldn't imagine what, but I didn't bother to dwell on the thought. When I wasn't having nightmares or succumbing to my own misery, I couldn't think of anything else except for Harry. I knew that if he were here my world would be suddenly more vibrant and my melancholy mood would vanish. But he wasn't here, and I believed Nan when she told me that she'd never let him near me again.

"Miss, are you alright?"

Leaving my thoughts, I turned to Brigit and looked at her with a blank expression, not sure how to respond to her question. Brigit had been more than kind to me since we had gotten here. I think she honestly felt sorry for me. Because of my nightmares, she had taken to sleeping in the room that adjoined mine that had once been my nurse's room when I was a child.

"How about a nice warm bath, it will help you relax." She suggested. I didn't answer, but she got up anyway and headed into the bathroom and I could hear her turn on the faucet for the tub. A few moments later she came back for me and helped me up from my bed and guided me carefully to the bathroom.

The bathtub was filled with warm water and I could smell the rose oil she had put in the water. She helped me undress and then lent me a hand as I stepped into the water. I sat down and stretched my body out, laying my head on the edge of the tub with my feet towards the faucet.

"There is that better?"

I nodded, it really was. I felt relaxed and it was welcome change from the misery I had been in for so long. She smiled and patted the top of my head,

"I'm going to go change your linens, alright. If you need me just call."

Again I nodded and let my eyes close as she left the room. The scent of roses that was around me was taking me away from the place I was at and I began to feel lightheaded and suddenly very tired. The bathroom was quiet and the water calm and I began to doze.

"_Quick, before they see us…no, no this way."_

_We both giggled softly and navigated our way through the darkness away from the crowd inside the house. I clutched tightly to Rose's hand and let her lead me off towards the side of the house. _

_We ducked down behind a particularly tall hedge and laughed until it hurt. _

_Tonight Rose had come out and joined the hundreds of other blushing debutants in their long gloves and perfect white gowns, speaking of which she still wore, even as we sat down on the grassy earth and fell back against the side of the house. _

"_Oh god I just had to get out of there!" she exclaimed and reached for the pins in her hair, pulling them out so roughly they snarled up and I had to help her. "Thank you. Did you see them all, Sarah? So prim and proper, it was the worst acting I had ever seen. "_

_I nodded, agreeing with her, "Well it will all be over soon."_

"_Will it? I'm sure I'll be engaged by summer's end…no, I don't want to think about that now. Here…" she reached into her small purse and pulled out a flask. She took a long swig of it and then offered it to me. Without thinking and wanting so much to be like her, I took it and copied her motions as best as I could. The liquid was hot and burned all the way down my throat. I made a face and handed it back to her and she laughed._

"_Oh Sarah, you're so pure." _

"_No, I'm not."_

_She took another drink, "Oh yes you are." She replied with a puckered face, "You're perfect. Everyone says so. You've got that perfect S-shape that's chic and fashionable, you're hair is perfect, your skin…flawless, and what's more…you have a perfect life."_

"_Rose, that's silly. No one has a perfect life."_

_She offered me the flask again, this time I refused and she took another drink, this one longer. "Do you know what I really want from my life?"_

_I shook my head. _

"_Freedom, just freedom. I've been on a chain my whole life, kept away from anything exciting, anything that could possibly make me into an individual. Don't you hate that?"_

_I didn't know what to say; instead I laid a reassuring hand on top of hers._

_She sighed heavily and then turned back towards the house, where the music had begun to play again. It was a beautiful waltz, but Rose looked as if it were a funeral march. "One day, I'll be free…" she turned back to me, "And hopefully you will too."_

I floated on, from one memory to the next.

_The stars were bright and the air was cool and my mind was whirling, partially from inebriation, but mostly from love._

"_I love you." I told him._

_I could see his sweet smile, feel his touch and hear those tender, adoring words, "I love you too…"_

I opened my eyes and sat up in the tub. Rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands, I tried to make the sick feeling inside of me go away. I wondered where he was right now. Did he miss me as much as I missed him? Was I ever going to see him again? I thought of how very different things would have been if I hadn't let Nan drag me away from him.

I regretted it now, but then I couldn't see any other option. But what if I had refused her and gone into Harry's waiting arms, where would we be right now? I imagined that we would have eloped and gone on a romantic honeymoon, but that was just a silly fantasy. There was no way of knowing whether or not that would have happened, because I couldn't turn back the clock.

I looked over and saw that my dressing gown was hanging up by the door. I lifted my self out of the tub and reached for it. I stepped carefully out and wrapped it snuggly around my body. I was just about to start for the doorway when I felt all the energy drain out of my body. Shaking, I bent over and grasped the tub and slowly lowered myself to the floor.

I didn't feel right, something was different. Fortunately Brigit chose that moment to come back into the room and rushed to my side immediately.

"Miss, what is it?"

"I don't…"

"What?" she asked in a worrisome voice.

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words were to be found. I was dizzy again, and sick…I felt so sick. Brigit's face began to blur as did the entire bathroom and then it all went black. I began to fall and that's the last thing that I remember.

_Later that afternoon…_

When I woke up, I could not tell how long I had been out, but I could just feel that it had been more than a few hours. The room was completely dark except for the small lamp over by the bay window. I moaned and attempted to sit up, but I was so sore that my body cried out in pain when I moved even slightly.

"Oh no, Miss, let's stay still." Brigit's voice told me. She came out of the darkness and was at my side quickly. "Lay back down and rest."

"What happened?" I asked almost deliriously.

"You collapsed, but it's all right, Dr. Boyer has been to see you and gave your Grandmother quite a scolding for the way she's been treating you. He says what you need is some fresh air and sunshine." She replied, smoothing my hair back.

"I want Harry." I told her.

She gave me an empathetic smile and shook her head, "Miss, I'm sorry but I-"

"No allow me to tell her, Brigit. A good dose of reality will be good for her." Nan's voice boomed across the dark room, causing both Brigit and I to cower under its power. She approached the bed from the opposite of Brigit and stared down at me. The little bit of light that was in the room gave her face the effect of large dark shadows under her eyes, making her look almost like a monster. I felt like a child again and wished, more than anything, that I could bury my face under the soft blankets that covered me.

"You want Harry, do you? The man that took your innocence and labeled you whore for all of society to see. I thought I made it very clear that he is out of your life for good."

I wanted to scream at her, but the courage I needed to do it was nowhere to be found.

"You should be counting your lucky stars that I haven't cast you to the streets for your indiscretion, and don't think that the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but I have thought of something better, something that might actually help you after all."

She waited for me to ask her what it was, but when I did not she furiously sighed and came closer to the bed, resting her hand on the bedpost.

"My sister Isabel has arrived from Russia for Rose's memorial service tomorrow, she leaves for home in five days, and you, my darling, will be going back with her."

"No! No I won't!" I screamed, suddenly furious with her and her preposterous idea.

"Oh yes you will! The Russian socialites do not keep up with silly American scandal and you will blend in nicely there. Perhaps, if you're lucky your Aunt Isabel will be able to find a suitable husband for you, although I wouldn't count on it."

I looked to Brigit, panicked, but there was nothing she could do, she worked for my grandmother and any kind of kind look would surely get her fired. I looked around the room helplessly, but there was no one there to rescue you from the fate that Nan had just put before me.

"You can't do this!" I yelled at her.

"It's already been done. Your ticket has been bought and you will be leaving on the Adriatic next Wednesday with your Aunt Isabel and you will be living in St. Petersburg with her and her husband, your Uncle Serge. That is all I want to hear on the subject, now Brigit I want you to take my granddaughter outside and get some fresh air in her lungs, apparently that is essential. Dress her nicely, and make sure she has some color to her before you bring her back in." she said her words firmly and gave me one final warning look before she marched out of my room and slammed the door behind her.

_Oh God, Harry_, _please, wherever you are, please come and help me…_

**I hope everyone has Happy Holidays, no matter what you celebrate! And oh yeah, check out the forum that Kate started for the story! Its located in the forum section of Titanic (obviously) and not only am I flattered by it, but its fun to see people discussing my writing. So get your booty's over there and join the party! lol**

**Chapter title inspired by 'I Cry' by Westlife**


	50. Bring Me to Life

**So sorry this took so long to post, I've been really struggling with how to handle all of the stuff that's going on. I think I've rewritten this chapter about a dozen times and I'm still not very satisfied with it. But I hope everyone likes it : )**

**BTW I haven't been saying THANK YOU for all of your GREAT reviews! You guys know I love you, but there's nothing wrong with me reminding you: )**

**Enjoy the chapter**!

Chapter 50

Brigit dressed me in a simple black dress, pulled my hair back with a silk white ribbon, and led me outside to the gardens, where the sun was shining brightly and there was a sweet cool breeze that smelled like flowers coming in from the river that was behind the house.

"Here you go miss; you sit here and get some sun and air. I have some chores to tend to, but I'll be back shortly, all right."

I nodded and watched her walk away and head back in doors.

I had to admit that given what had just happened and the way I was feeling, it was nice to be out in the fresh air again. I felt better, but it did nothing to make the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away. Russia? Granted I may have been born there, but I did not remember it and I did not speak one word of Russian. I decided that probably wouldn't matter considering that I probably wouldn't be let out of the house the entire time I was there, and I had no way of knowing how long that would be.

I looked around the garden and saw the flowers were already starting to bud and come out of their winter slumber. Pretty colors of purple, red and yellow were brightening up the dour colors that winter had left.

I sighed heavily and turned my gaze up to the sky when I heard footsteps from behind one of the hedges. Curiosity getting the best of me, I got up from my spot on the bench and went to see who it was.

To my surprise, I saw Richard Sheffield, my grandmother's chauffer sitting on another stone bench, his face buried in his hands, crying.

"Richard?"

He looked quickly his brown hair falling over his eyes, "Miss Sarah, oh, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean-"

"No it's all right." I replied approaching him. I sat down next to him, and gingerly laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I was just thinking about Hannah."

"Hannah?" I replied, not quite understanding why he would be thinking about her, and then I remembered, and felt horrible for forgetting. Hannah and he had been in love, very much in love from what I can remember. "I'm so sorry."

He sniffed back some tears, trying his best to put on a good front, but it didn't work. He began to cry openly, right in front of me, but I let him. In fact, I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry into my shoulder.

"She was so young, so beautiful…it's just not fair."

"I know, I know." I said in a comforting tone.

He pulled away, "Did she say anything about me on the trip?"

"Of course she did, she missed you dearly."

"She did?"

"Yes, yes she did. She talked about you all the time." I said indulging a little bit. It seemed to make him happy though, so I didn't regret it.

He smiled, "I was going to ask her to marry me." He said and fished inside of his pocket and pulled out a simple gold band with a small diamond in the center. It was very pretty and quaint. I smiled at him.

"She would have adored it."

"She was so excited about leaving; there was no fear in her at all, if she had just had some, maybe she wouldn't have gone. Did she even try to get on a boat? All of the papers keep saying that there weren't enough boats for everyone."

"I wish I knew what happened, Richard, but I don't."

He nodded disappointment surrounding him, but then I noticed that next to him was a folded up newspaper.

"Is that today's paper?" I asked.

He shook his head, "It's from a few days ago, my cousin in New York sends the papers from there to me-"

"May I see it please?" I asked suddenly full of anticipation.

He nodded, and hand reached over and handed it to me. I opened it to the front page and noted the date; April 24, 1912, evening addition. I skimmed down to what I was looking for:

In day six _of the inquires into the Titanic Disaster Mr. H.G Lowe took the stand and gave his testimony. Recounting the night's events, he explained how he was woken from his sleep a half an hour after their collision with the Iceberg…_

I kept skimming the paper for what I wanted to find.

…_Mr. Lowe told of his daring rescue of passengers from the water…called to the stand next…_

I shook my head. This just did not make any sense, Nan had told me that the scandal with Harry and I had made the evening edition of the papers, this did not even mention my name.

"What is it?" Richard asked.

I set the paper down in my lap, "You said that your cousin sends you the papers from New York?"

He nodded, "Yes, he does."

"Do you have any others?"

"Yes, more just arrived to day. They're in my room; do you want me to go get them?"

"Would you?"

He nodded, "I'll be right back." I watched him as he ran off towards the side of the house where the servant's quarters were located. I was on pins and needles until he immerged a few moments later carrying a stack of newspapers with him. He laid them between us on the bench and offered to help me to go through them.

"What are we looking for?"

"My name, if you find my name just…just tell me."

"Alright."

And together we began to go through the stack, most of what I had were from days where I had been in the room and I quickly cast them to the side.

"Wait, I found it!"

My heart dropped and I felt as if there was something lodged in my throat, "You did?"

"Yes," he leaned towards me and read what he had found while he followed it with his finger,

… _Miss Sarah Wilkes, granddaughter of former New York Senator, Jared Wilkes, was scheduled to speak, but was excused due to illness, she is currently residing at her home in Philadelphia_.

"That's it?" I asked.

"Yes, were you expecting something more?"

I looked at him and then back down at paper, realizing that I had been lied to, she had lied to me. Not only had she been treating me like a prisoner, but also she had been throwing salt on already painful wound by telling me that the whole world thought I was worse than some woman of the night. Why would she tell me that if it wasn't true?

I realized that I was partially to blame; after all, I just assumed that after what had happened in that courtroom that the whole room would know and eventually the world. I then caught myself in mid thought, why didn't they know? Obviously they did know, but why wasn't it printed in the papers, usually the press would be all over something like this, but it seemed that something or someone had put a stop to it. Who though?

"Grandfather." I said, smiling to myself.

* * *

I said good-bye to Richard, telling him that if ever needed to talk to anyone, I was here and made my way back up to the house. I did not know what I was going to do, but I knew that I needed to confront Nan with the knowledge I had just obtained.

I walked up the back steps and into the conservatory. I shut the glass door carefully behind me and made my way through the sunny room. I walked out and was about to go up the back staircase when I heard voices coming from the sitting room. I am not one to eavesdrop, but something drew me towards the doorway, causing me to hear the conversation with great clarity.

"Hailey, I am not your garbage pail! Why do you keep sending your problems my way? First Corynn and Jonathan, and now Sarah-"

"Have I not made myself clear? She needs to get as far away as possible from that boy."

I peaked in through the crack in the door and could see Aunt Isabel's tall form pacing back and forth across the room. I had only seen her twice before in my whole life, but there was no doubt in my mind that her and Nan were sisters. Isabel was younger, and there were still traces of dark blonde hair in her gray bun. She was very beautiful, but I had never seen her like this before.

"Yes, you've made yourself perfectly clear, but what are you going to do if I refused to let her come back to St. Petersburg with me. Serge and I have raised our children, we have grandchildren, and we do not need a burden like Sarah in our home. We our acquaintances of the Dowager Empress herself, the mother of Tsar, if word about Sarah being in our home would get out, we'd never be able to show our face in polite society again."

Nan sighed heavily from her spot on the chaise. "You have nothing to worry about, Jared made sure that no one other than the people who were in the courtroom found out about her and that sailor." She shook her head, "For once in my life I'm grateful to him, but." She eyed Aunt Isabel sternly, "Sarah knows nothing of this. I have her thinking that the whole world knows and she's in a state right now where she can be easily molded into what she needs to be."

Aunt Isabel threw her hands up in the air, exasperated. "If I were you I'd just let that sailor have her and that be the end of it. They obviously care about one another."

Nan face quickly went from a normal tone to a deep red. In a fury she stood up, her jaw and fists clenched in anger, "NEVER! My granddaughter has the blood in her of the rich and powerful. She was more beauty and grace than any princess and I will not let all of that go to waste so she can be the wife of a man who stinks of the sea and forces her to live in a mud hut in some country like Wales!

"She will go to Russia with you and you will find her a husband, one of the imperial court if you have to. Yes, that would be lovely, my granddaughter a Russian Grand Duchess, imagine what the women here would think of that. I'll be the talk of the town…"

I could not hear anymore. The whole conversation was nauseating. I felt more betrayed than ever, wondering how and why she could something like this to me. Never before in my life had I dishonored her and I could not understand why it took only one thing to have her turn against me in such a way. However, maybe all along she had been this way, after all look what she had done to Aunt Ruth.

I moved away from the doorway, but was caught off guard when I heard their voices become louder as they moved near the door. I quickly slipped in through the doorway behind me that opened to long hallway that led down to the kitchen. I pulled the door shut as quietly as I could and waited, all the while praying that they did not discover me.

Luck was on my side though and they soon were gone. Taking a breath of relief, I opened the door and was just about to dash across the hall to the staircase when the dong of the doorbell stopped me. I heard footsteps coming down the hall and I quickly shut the door.

I could hear the front door open and the house was suddenly filled with the murmur of voices. I could then hear Nan move down the hall and past my hiding spot. She greeted the guests and I could then hear them move into the parlor. I opened the door a tiny bit just to make sure that my path was clear before I finally escaped across the hall and up the stairs.

Once I was safely back in my room, I locked the door and fell back into a chair, the events of the last few hours finally settling in. So Nan really wanted to get rid of me, even if the papers had been talked into not reporting what had been said during Harry's testimony. Still her threats and her anger had not dissuaded me from loving him. She could hate me, she could send me to Russia, and she could make me marry some crusty Old Russian Duke if she wanted to, but I would never, ever stop loving him.

I missed him so much I ached from it. My eyes began to water as I thought of the last time I saw him. I closed them tightly and saw his warm eyes staring straight at me. He pulled me into his arms and I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. Then we were pulled apart; viciously ripped away from the other's embrace by Nan and her contempt for anything or anyone that was not worth as much as she was. She was angry and had every right to be, but that gave her no excuse for lying to me the way she had. There was no way of telling how long I could have gone without knowing the truth. I'm sure she would have never told me and she has so many people around me under her influence that I'm sure that it could have been a great while, if ever, when I found out. I was so thankful to Richard; I did not know how I would ever repay him for what he had done for me.

Then there was Grandfather. Now more than ever I felt so horrible about the way I had thought of him over the years. He had, essentially, saved my life. I hoped he knew how thankful I was to him for that. Hopefully, someday soon I would be able to tell him. I could only hope that right now, wherever he and Harry were that they knew I missed them both and that I was so grateful for what they had both done for me.

* * *

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since I had last seen Sarah, held her in my arms, kissed her, told her I loved her, two weeks since our world had come crashing down and she had been ripped away from me. My arms ached at the thought and I crossed them together as I leaned up against the window in Senator's Smith's office in Washington DC.

It was raining, hard, and it fit my mood perfectly. I had been kicking myself ever since that day for not running after her, for not fighting harder. To add to my misery, when I had woken up that morning and come across the paper, I saw that it was the 9th, and I realized it had been a month since Titanic had left Southampton and I had come across her on the Boat Deck and a month since our moon lit walk on the deck where I really got to know her.

I closed my eyes, holding back my anger and tears. Today, more than anything, I felt as if I should be near her. Something just told me that she needed to me. Early this morning I had woken up suddenly, feeling as if I was caught in a nightmare. She was screaming and sick, I couldn't get to her, but I could feel all of the pain that was in her.

I damned Hockley and his deceitful and superficial mind. When Lights came up to me not long after Sarah had been dragged away accompanied by Hockley's brother, Taylor, and told me what he had done to Wilde so he could get onto a boat I was beyond livid. If I had been able to I would have ripped him apart, but unfortunately the coward was nowhere to be found at that moment.

In my anger I had wanted to get him back the same way he had gotten me and embarrassed me, but Mr. Wilkes convinced me otherwise. Being a former senator, he still had great respect for the United States Government and he wasn't about to let anyone take advantage of it again.

"There are other ways to punish him for his actions." He told me.

At first I doubted him, but took it back when I found out the next day that he had personally contacted all of the major newspapers and used his influence to make sure that there was no reporting what so ever on the incident that Hockley had created. Besides the people who had been in the room that day, no one else would ever know what had been said, and I couldn't have been more thankful, I was glad Sarah's innocence was still intact, at least for the public and it had foiled Hockley's plan, at least from what we knew of it.

And now the second part of our plan was being put into action. Mr. Wilkes' and I had arrived at the senator's office only 20 minutes ago, but I was already filled to the brim with anger and apprehension.

"Harry, will you sit down. Everything is going to be fine, the senator and I are old friends and trust me, he's just as upset at Stan Roberts as you are."

I turned to Mr. Wilkes, "I doubt that." I told him coming away from the window.

He sighed irritably, not that I could blame him, I hadn't been the most pleasant person recently, but I had to give both him and Lights credit for putting up with me, hell even Taylor had been cordial. Even I admit I was overly hostile to him when he approached me, along with Lights, that day of the hearings that everything had gone to hell. But after listening to what he had to tell me about Hockley's little act with Mr. Wilde just minutes before the ship went down. I could only hope that little girl he used somehow found her way back to people who actually cared for her.

"If you want to resolve this situation, I suggest you have a better attitude. No one ever got anywhere by being pessimistic." He replied.

""None of this should have happened in the first place." I mumbled.

"I agree, but as mad as you are, you can't blame all of it all him."

I paused, looking over the old man in front of me, daring to ask what had been lingering in my mind for days, "You're not as upset as I thought you would be about…about well what happened."

He nodded, "No, no I'm not."

"Why is that, if I may ask?"

He sighed deeply and re-crossed his legs, "I guess I already knew. Well, I didn't _know_, but I had a feeling."

"And you're not mad?"

"I'm disappointed, but I am not and won't be mad at you. I am many things, but a hypocrite is not one of them. I enjoyed the company of a woman before I was married, and even though she ended up becoming my wife, that still is no excuse."

I nodded, my mind, for some reason, going back to when I was 17. I had been out on my own for about 3 years then and I followed some of the seaman out to a local pub in Sydney. I didn't have a single drink, but she sure had. Her name was Dorothy, and that was the most I ever learned about her. And although it was my first time, it was surely wasn't hers. I'd never regretted anything more in my whole life, except for maybe…Rose. But with Sarah everything had been different, I wasn't going to act like a saint, there had been others between Dorothy and Sarah, but none of them ever came close to making me feel the way that Sarah had.

She was gentle and considerate, when she told me she loved me, I believed her. A look on her face or simple touch from her could bring me back down from any level of anger. Above all of that though, she gave me a reason to get up in the morning because I knew that the harder I fought for her, the closer I would come to her being next to me every morning and knowing that she was safe and sound where she belonged, with me.

"The important thing is that we get this cleared up before Hailey does something hotheaded."

"Hotheaded?"

He nodded, "Like with Sarah's parents…Russia, God Almighty…"

"Russia?"

"Yes, Russia. Sarah told you about that, didn't she? After Hailey found out about Corynn and Jonathan she-"

"Who?"

He looked at me, eyebrows raised, "You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?"

"No, I don't."

He shifted in his seat, looking around the room, "Well I suppose this is as good a place as any, take a seat, son."

I did, sitting next to him and then listened as he began telling me this story that would rival any play Shakespeare could pen. I found it hard to believe, incredible even, that Sarah and George were the progeny of two people who acted so immorally.

"So she just sent them off to Russia?"

He nodded, "She said to avoid the gossip, but it was obvious she supported them and it hurt Ruth a great deal."

"I can imagine." I paused, then looked back at him, "Why didn't Sarah tell me?"

"She only just found out herself. Hailey had lied to her for so long about what her parents were really like that she was obviously shocked."

Now I was confused, "Why is she being so hypocritical? You did everything in your power to make sure that no one found out about what happened between Sarah and I. There's no gossip to be afraid of, she's got no reason to be as upset as she is."

"Yes, I know that. I think it has to do with you and the fact that you aren't-"

"Rich. It all comes down to money doesn't it?"

He nodded, "Yes, it does. I want you to know Harry, that money or not, I intend to help you in anyway that I can. As I've said before, you're a good young man. You've worked hard for what you have and above all your priorities are in the right order. You and Sarah make a fine couple and I know that you'll take good care of her."

"If we ever get to that point, it doesn't seem like that will be anytime soon."

"You need to be patient, George and Taylor know what they're supposed to do and they will take care of everything. They'll inform them about what Cal did and we can only hope that Hailey sees the error of her ways, and if that doesn't work, well…George knows what to do."

"I hope you're right."

"I've never been wrong before and I don't intend to start now."

And with that said the door to the office opened and Senator Smith appeared. Mr. Wilkes' and I found our composure and stood to greet him. When that was done we all took our seats and began to discuss Senator Roberts.

"Well it seems that not only did Mr. Hockley pay the senator a generous sum for his attack on you, but there was also a bit of blackmail involved as well. Apparently the senators wandering eye has found its place in other bedrooms besides that of his wife.

"You know Nathan, he knows everything there is to know about everyone. He's used that piece of information to get a lot out of Roberts over the years. Nothing we can prove, but the rumors of tax evasion, forged documents and such are too hard to ignore. The senator is currently being investigated by a group of us, Jared of course we'll keep you informed every step of the way."

"I'd appreciate that."

"Now, Mr. Lowe, an apology is in order for both you and Ms. Wilkes. Flashing your personal life in front of a room of people like that investigating what we were was highly inappropriate and if there's anything that I can do, please let me know."

"Thank you, I'll keep that in mind." I responded.

Senator Smith smiled at me, "I expect that you'll be at the British Inquiry in a few weeks."

"Yes."

"When do you leave?"

"Next week."

"Well I have no doubt that this incident is not something you'll have to worry happening a second time."

Mr. Wilkes nodded, "I agree. Now as for the younger Mr. Hockley's actions, will charges be pressed?"

"Oh yes, as soon as the paper work is finished the proper authorities will be in touch with him. Don't worry Jared, we've got this taken care of."

"I'm not worried about that. I just still can't believe he would do this to my granddaughter."

He nodded, "I know, but we intend to make sure that nothing like this happens again. When you see her, do give her my best, and my apologies."

They continued to talk, but I fell back into my own world. It was only two days ago that I found out I was leaving, all of the crew was. And it made me even more upset to know that I was leaving her. Short of kidnapping her, I could find no other solution for insuring that I didn't lose her. Mr. Wilkes' way was fine, if you were patient, but I was running out of time. All I could do was pray that another solution presented itself and soon because I had a bad feeling that if I didn't get her soon, I would never be able to live with myself.

**Sorry if there were any typos, I posted this at 1:30 in the morning and read it over as best as I could, but you know me : ) HAPPY NEW YEAR!**

**Chapter Title Inspired by 'Bring me to Life' by Evanescence **


	51. Going Down in Flames

**Well this was by far the hardest chapter I have ever written. I did get a good deal of help with it though. Kate and Tipper both gave me a lot of suggestions and pointers and I am eternally grateful to both of them. **

**I really hope you guys like this chapter, like I said it WAS REALLY HARD! Lol **

**Enjoy and R/R!**

Chapter 51

I arrived at the Montgomery's house very early that morning. It was my intention to do that. I wanted to get there before any of the other mourners arrived because I needed to have Hailey and Sarah all to myself.

Their butler let me inside and invited me into the sitting room to wait for Hailey. I strolled in and gave him my hat and coat. He then left to fetch her and put my things away while I wandered around the room.

This was the day. After all of the work I had done making that officer look like the rat he really was and telling the world how he had taken advantage of Sarah, I would finally have her to call my own. Now Hailey knew what kind of granddaughter she really had, even though not everything had gone according to my plan, it still had all worked out. Five thousand dollars had gotten me a long way with Senator Roberts. He had never been able to turn down money before so there was no question that he would do it now, especially when it was such a considerable sum, far more than my Father had ever given him that was for sure. But not only had I made sure that there would be no further problems on the road to making Sarah my wife, but Officer Lowe's reputation would never be the same again.

_And he deserves every bit of it, _I thought, checking my reflection in a nearby mirror and seeing my swollen eye and bruised cheek. If I could I would sue that bastard for what he did to my face, but that would only make sense if he had money, and with that thought I smiled, what an idea!

"Cal? I was not expecting you until much later. What are you doing here?" Hailey asked coming into the room.

I turned to her and smiled, "I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you before the others arrived."

"Oh, well please, let's talk. I'm expecting George at any moment so please go on."

George? Just what I needed, an Officer Lowe advocate. I hid my distaste though and smiled in her direction, going over to sit next to her.

"I know that it has been an agonizing last few weeks for you, but I want you to know that I will be here to help you in anyway I can."

She patted my hand and smiled, "Oh darling that is very kind of you. Yes, it has been hard, between Ruth and Sarah I have no idea how I'm able to get up every morning."

Ah, this was perfect. "Well perhaps I can help; you know my offer about Sarah still stands."

"Cal, we have been over this. You're a very nice man, but even though I'm afraid the agreement your father and I had about Sarah and Taylor has fallen through, I'm still hopeful that by sending her to Russia she'll meet a nice gentleman and-"

"Russia?"

"Yes, Russia. I need to get her out of this country and as far away as possible from that sailor. Incidentally how are you?" she asked, her eyes lingering on my swollen face, "I can't believe that he did that to you. I don't care how angry he was about the truth coming out; he shouldn't take his frustration out on an innocent bystander."

"Yes, the nerve of some people, but back to Sarah. Why Russia, when you have a perfectly good suitor for her right here, one you know you can trust to keep her away from that person and to give her the life that she deserves, and proper great-grandchildren for you of course."

She smiled, "Yes, that is a valid point. I do not want to have to send her away, but every time I look at her I just become so enraged. I cannot believe that I raised her to be that way. I brought her up to have morals, to love, to care, and above all to be a lady."

"And she will be all of that with me."

She paused for a moment, consideration on her face, "Well, dear, you are very good at making a point." She paused again, "So, if you are serious, I'm willing to consider your offer. Sarah needs someone like you who can control her and her outlandish behavior."

"Yes, it sounds like a very good idea, of course now I'll have to see how you two are together, whether or not you compliment each other, because that's the most important part of a successful marriage."

"Really?" I asked, not able to contain my excitement.

"Of course," she said smiling at me, "Now you do realize that, I'm just considering this, nothing is definite."

"Yes, yes of course. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!"

Hailey and I both turned our attention towards the door where George stood, his face contorted in such an angry expression it was nearly comical.

"George, that is no way to make your presence known, now you get in here and apologize-"

"I will not!" he stalked into the room and I stood to meet him as he came to a stop in front of me, "What kind of a man makes a marriage deal on the day of his fiancée's memorial service?"

I was not going to dignify that question with an answer.

"You make me sick!" he spat.

"Really George, you ought to listen to your grandmother. I am not feeling that you are giving me your best company manners. If you want to be a doctor, you're going to have to work on that."

"Your opinions mean nothing to me and neither does your proposal of marriage for my sister. In the end I have the final say about who she marries…who do you think gives her away at the alter?"

Hailey stepped up and pushed her hand between us, "George, quit being ridiculous. Now I implore you to remember your manners or leave!"

George looked away from me and back to his grandmother, then to me again, "I'll take the high road." He said and left the room.

"I'm terribly sorry about that. I don't know what's gotten into him." She said looking after him.

"That's quite alright, people express their grief in different ways, and this is just his."

"You're very wise. Well, I do have some things to tend to before the others start to arrive, Ruth for instance; she has been locked in her bedroom since I brought her here. Why don't you go and visit with Sarah, she's in the conservatory."

Of course, I took Hailey up on her suggestion and made my way to the conservatory, which was located at the back of the house. When I got there, I stopped at the window that peered into it and saw Sarah sitting on the white chaise, gazing out the window and into the garden. She looked faraway to me and I decided to seize the opportunity.

I approached her cautiously, not wanting her to know of my presence until just the right moment. I reached out and touched her shoulder and she immediately snapped out of her daze and turned around quickly towards me.

Her eyes went wide and she moved back quickly, "Go away!" she snapped.

I smiled, "Come now, Sarah, that's no way to talk to your soon to be fiancé, is it? I've come to comfort you in this great time of grief for us all." I sat down next to her and she quickly got up and backed herself away from me.

"Get out of here, Cal." She commanded, which brought another smile to my face. She really had no idea what she wanted did she.

"Please, Sarah. You are so confused right now, you don't know wha-"

"Don't you dare stand there and proceed to tell me such things about myself! I want you out of here right now!"

I stood up, holding back my anger with a forced smile, "You will not speak that way to me." I said as calmly as I could.

She glared back at me, not back down; the look of fire and defiance in her eyes was all too familiar to me, "I will do whatever I want, whenever I want. Now GET OUT!"

That was it! In one quick motion I was in front of her and grabbing her roughly by the arms, "It would be best if you lost your tone with me, I've just come from speaking with you grandmother who has graciously given me the honor of asking you to marry me."

Her face lost of all its color, and she shook her head, "No."

"Oh yes, I think I may have even convinced her not to send you to Russia." I released my grip on one arm, reached out, and caressed her face with my fingers. Her skin was so soft, every part of her was perfect and soon it would all belong to me, "Just think of it, a year from now you could be my wife and who knows, maybe we'll be starting a family of our own."

She began to look even more pale, and I could feel my power defeating her, "I'm willing to forget the little things if you are," I moved closer to her face my lips coming closer to hers, "No Titanic, no officer. Nothing can come between us now. Your Grandmother is quite willing to hand you over to me to save you from the shame of your disgraceful behavior, and I'm all too eager to oblige."

She squirmed in a failed attempt to free herself from my grasp but I kept a tight hold on the one arm I had and pulled her back to me. She struggled again this time with more force but I held tightly to her, "Stop struggling! I will bet you did not do this with him, did you? You were a whore for him, why can't you do the same for me? You let him put his hands on you, you opened his legs for him, and you let him, a filthy sailor, take your innocence. He's had hundreds of women before you, I'm sure; you're just another notch on his bedpost."

Then she stopped, looking me right into the eye, and I watched as her face turned an ugly shade of gray and she suddenly sank down and began to vomit all over me. I dropped her and backed away, and saw that my jacket and pants were covered in her regurgitation.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked, in horror of the mess that was all over me. Not a drop seemed to have gotten on her, in fact, except for the tears that were now streaming down her face and her coughing fit, she seemed to be perfectly normal.

She slumped to the floor, not answering me and cried.

"What the hell happened? Sarah!"

And, like magic, big brother George appeared again. He ran to his sisters side and grabbed her just as she started to black out.

"What did you do to her?"

"Oh please, you don't honestly think that I…well will you take a look at me! Just look at the mess she made! If she was sick someone should have told me!"

He looked at me with frustration, his lower jaw clenched tightly.

Fine, let him be that way. He can take care of her and her sorry state; I needed to clean myself up. I left the room and went to find the nearest washroom. Using a wet towel, I was able to repair what she had done to me, but I could not help but wonder what had triggered it. She had seemed fine to me, no fever or flushness. The only other time I had seen that happen was when Virginia was in her delicate condition with Nate.

I quickly shook that thought out of my head. There was no way Sarah was with child. Besides a child of that scums would not be able to grow and flourish inside of a woman like her. Her womb was meant to carry a child of blue blood who would be guaranteed to prosper in life, not one that would always have a less than meager existence.

Then again, what if she was? How would I explain that?

No, I decided, everything was going to be fine. Within the year, I would have her as my bride and hopefully not long after that she would be bearing my children. She was going to be the perfect wife; doting, respectful, and above all mine. No, it would not be long at all.

* * *

When I woke up my head was throbbing and my eyelids were heavy. My vision was blurred, but I could make out the figure that sat next to me, holding tightly to my hand.

"George…" my voice struggled.

"Shhh, don't over do it. Here have some water."

He reached for a glass and then brought it over to my lips and tilted it so that some of the water flowed into my dry and foul tasting mouth. I drank it eagerly and asked for more once I had polished it off. He poured me more and I sat up and discovered that I was in my bedroom. I looked over to George as he handed me the water and asked what had happened.

"You fainted."

"Why?"

"I was hoping you could tell me." He said as I started to drink the water.

I finished off the second glass and brought it down from my lips, "What do you mean?"

"Well first of all I need to know, what did Cal say to you?"

"He…"

All those horrible things he had said were coming back, making me feel sick again and the last thing I wanted to do was to hear them out loud. Nan could not really have given Cal her permission to marry me. She was angry, that I knew, but would she go that far? Rose's death was still fresh and already Cal was making other plans, how could she approve of something like that? If it was true, if everything Cal had said that had caused me such anguish was true, she was far more vile and wicked than I could have ever comprehended. If I had the choice between Cal and Russia there was no doubt about which one I would choose. I would rather be thrown into a dilapidated hut in Siberia than spend the rest of my life in a lush mansion as Mrs. Caledon Hockley.

I looked over at my brother, the one person who I had close to me that I knew I could always count on to be there and understand me, and found my bravery. I began to tell him everything, even things he had not asked about; my confinement, Russia, Nan and her lying about the papers, even the conversation I had overheard between Aunt Isabel and Nan. Then finally, I got to Cal and what had happened in the conservatory.

When I was done, he took a moment to absorb everything that I just told him. He rubbed his chin with his right hand, looking off into space. Finally, he turned back to me, his eyes dark with frustration,

"I'm so sorry, Sissy."

I shook my head, "George, it's not your fault." I told him in a quiet voice.

"Yes, yes it is. As soon as I was 21, I had the opportunity to take responsibility for you and I did not. I left it to her because I thought…well, obviously I was wrong."

"George, you're still young and in college, it would have been unfair to you to have the added responsibility of a little sister to look after. I don't blame you for this."

"Well you should, your life is a mess right now and I'm to blame. You're being held prisoner in your own home, not allowed to go to your own cousin's funeral and on top of all of that you're ill."

I shook my head, "No, I'm not. I'm just fine; I'm just tired is all."

"Somehow I think it's more than that."

"Why, what do you think it is?"

Just as he opened his mouth a shrill voice, which I knew to be Nan's, called his name from the hallway. Annoyed, George got up from his spot next to me, went to the door, and opened it.

"Yes, Grandmother?"

"Ah there you are." I heard her say, and a few seconds later she appeared in the room and eyed me quickly before going back to George. "George, your Uncle Serge is in need of your help in the library."

"I'm busy at the moment."

"It's for Rose's service, and I know that you want to do all you can for your cousin, don't you?"

George rolled his eyes over my way and shook his head in irritation. I nodded my head and encouraged him to go, we could always finish this conversation later and besides, it was for Rose.

He nodded and left the room, Nan gave me another look before she followed, shutting the door behind her. Then I heard that all too familiar sound of her putting the key in the lock and locking me in to make sure that I would not be able to get out, and then my heart sank. I lay down on the bed and buried my face in the pillow, suffocating the tears that spilled from my eyes.

* * *

I did the best I could with my suit and stayed in the washroom until it was dry before I ventured out. A considerable amount of people had arrived while I had been away and the house was now full of floral arrangements and mourners dressed in black. I mingled with the appropriate people for a good hour before I found Hailey and inquired about Sarah.

"Oh she was suddenly taken with a slight cold. She's resting in her room."

A cold? Funny, I'd never heard of nausea being a symptom of a cold, but I didn't ask her about it and decided to go look for my parents, instead I found Virginia in the sitting room with that little demon she calls a son.

He roared at me when he saw me like some prehistoric animal and stamped on my foot before growling again and running into the hall.

"Virginia, why is he here?"

From her place on the sofa she looked, as always, near tears and pale. "Hamilton had to go out of town and we're in between nannies at the moment. I had no other choice."

"You could have not come!"

"Rose was almost my sister-in-law, of course I came."

Another growl was heard from the hall and it was followed by a woman's shocked scream. Virginia sprung up and started towards the noise, but I grabbed her arm, catching her. "Where are Mother and Father?"

"Oh Taylor took them into the library, he said he needed to speak with them about something."

"Really?"

"Yes, now please let me go and fetch my-"

"I AM A MONSTER FROM THE DEEP! YOU ARE MY SLAVES, BOW BEFORE YOUR MASTER!"

"-son." She finished, pulling away from me and going to find her 'monster from the deep' while I headed to the library to find my parents. The library was located at the back of the house, very far away from the crowd of mourners. The door was open and I heard the sound of their voices before I even got close enough to knock.

"…I'm just telling you the truth and I wish you'd believe me."

"Taylor, how dare you accuse your brother of such a thing. First you don't believe a word of his heroism with the Titanic and now you're accusing him of bribing a senator-"

"Senator Roberts none the less, who is a very dear friend of the family!" Father added his tone angry and irritated.

"I just can't believe you Taylor! I'm ashamed to call you my son!" Mother said, sobs clearly audible in her throat.

"You two are blind! It is all lies, I have proof! He's doing all of this just because he wants to marry Sarah Wilkes!"

"That's it, I have heard enough! Your jealously towards Cal has reached new heights and I will not sit here and listen to this trash! Eugenia, come, there are guests to tend to."

Quickly I moved away from the door and into the nearest corner to hide myself as the door, flung wide open and my parents fled the room ignoring my brother until they were completely out of sight. I laughed; this was honest to God, too perfect. My baby brother had done as he had promised and had come out looking like the fool I had prophesized. Sarah was going to be my wife, and Officer Lowe was nowhere to be found.

I waited until Taylor left the room and watched him go upstairs in a huff before I headed back towards the crowd where I found everyone starting to accumulate in the parlor as the service for my dearly departed fiancée began.

The service was long, with everyone getting up to say a few words about Rose. Ruth, who had appeared from out of nowhere, sat in the front next to Hailey and I, was perfectly poised in her bereavement. She sniffed and held a handkerchief to her face every so often, but other than that seemed to be off in her own world. Sarah was still nowhere to be found, but George was there. He sat next to Charles Hanson's widow, Polly. Next to her were Virginia and the spawn of Satan, and then next to them my parents. Taylor was nowhere to be found, but I mused he was in some empty bedroom mourning over his own defeat.

As the minister finished the service, we all rose to sing a hymn accompanied by the piano, yet through the musical notes the distinctive sound of the doorbell could be heard. I saw Hailey look back to her butler to answer it and we all continued singing.

When the song ended, people began talk quietly among themselves when a voice rose over them and carried across the room.

"I'm looking for a Mr. Caledon Hockley! Caledon Hockley, are you here?"

I turned around, "I'm Caledon Hockley!"

As the crowd separated, I saw whom the voice belonged to. A police officer.

"Can I help you?" I asked, making my way towards him.

"Yes, we need you to come with us." he said and that is when I noticed that he was not the only one. There were five others, all cross looking and all staring in my direction.

"What is this about?" Father demanded.

"Mr. Hockley is under arrest." The officer informed him.

"And what is the charge?" I asked, beginning to get infuriated.

"Bribery of a government official." He replied and reached for me, he forcefully put his hands around my back and began to cuff them.

"This is absurd! I demand you unhand me at once!"

"Sorry, sir, but I can't do that."

"Do you have any idea who you are dealing with officer?" Father asked, stalking up to him, "I make more money in one week than you will ever make in a lifetime, now I demand you unhand my son this instant!"

"I'm sorry sir, but your son has broken the law! If you have anything to say, save it for the judge, all right boys let's get him in the car!" he said turning and hollering to the others.

"No! This is a mistake! Unhand me!"

As I was dragged from the living room out into the hall, I saw Taylor leaning up against the doorframe, a satisfied look on his face. I glared at him and vowed to get my revenge. The last words I heard before they dragged me from the house were the screams of my nephew,

"Uncle Cal's getting arrested, Uncle Cal's going to the big house…"

**Well what did you think? Argh! It was awful, I know! I'm so sorry! I'm gonna go take nap lol….**

**Chapter Title Inspired by 'Going Down in Flames' by 3 Doors Down**


	52. Where Does my Heart Beat Now?

**I'm so glad that everyone liked the last chapter. I was seriously worried, but this one I have more faith in. Friday I didn't work (which was nice) so with a whole bunch of alone time I managed to please even myself with this chapter : ) **

Chapter 52

I could have stayed there forever, lost in my own sea of salty tears and poignant thoughts and feelings because I did not have any desire to do anything else. Every time I thought about pulling away from my saturated pillow all I could think about was everything that upset me and that drove me to back to it. There was so much sadness and grief in the house that it was practically bleeding from the walls and no matter what I did, I could not escape it.

This was going to be the norm for the rest of my life; full of depression and heartache with no hope of escape, no matter what anyone did. That thought alone was enough to bring me into a fresh round of tears and I gripped the pillow tightly and prepared myself for the tears that I knew were on their way to the surface. Yet, just as I was about to start sobbing, I heard a light rapping on the door. It was so soft that I thought I was imagining it at first, but then I heard it again and it pushed the tears back.

I slowly rose and sat up in the bed. I could not open the door, Nan had locked it, but I wondered who was there. I used the rumbled handkerchief in my hand to wipe my eyes and was about to start for the door when I heard the locked click and saw the door suddenly open. The person I saw standing there was not someone that I had expected, in fact, he was the last person I would have thought to see, but there he was, as real and mortal as he could be.

"Taylor?" I asked.

He smiled in that smile that was so much like Cal's, yet was so different. There was doubt that the two of them were brothers, but there was something that Taylor had that Cal did not and even if I could not identify it, I knew that it made all of the difference. I watched as the smile slowly faded and he hesitantly walked into the room, concern in his eyes,

"Are you alright?"

I took a breath, not sure what to say to him. It had been years since I had seen him and here he was standing right in front of me, so I said the only thing that came to my mind, "What are you doing here?"

He had stopped some three or four feet into the room and looked around, his uneasiness about being in my room apparent. He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked at me, "I'm here for Rose's…well, you know."

I nodded, "How did you-"

"Get in?" he finished.

Again, I nodded.

He held up what looked to be a deformed hair pin and smiled, "You never know when you might be locked out of something." He tossed it up in there air, caught it and then put it back into his pocket, "I picked up the skill when I was 8 and it has been more than useful ever since. Now," he stared at me intently, "would you mind explaining to me why you are locked in your bedroom and crying?"

I immediately shook my head. Taylor and I had never been close, not that he was not a nice person, but I had never considered him a real friend or confidante. I wondered where George was.

"No? Alright then, I think I have something that will cheer you up." He motioned for me to get up, "Come on."

"What?"

"Just come on."

I sighed, and reluctantly stood and went over to him. He offered me his arm, but I refused. He did not seem to mind or take it personally and started out of the room. I followed him, praying that Nan or Cal was not lurking in a corner somewhere waiting to pounce. He did not take me very far though, just to the last room at the end of the hall that had been my Grandfather Montgomery's study when he had been alive. I looked at him with question, wondering what he wanted to show me.

I found out soon enough though as he swung the door open and guided me inside. Sitting at one of the tables was Mr. Lightoller. He was relaxed position in the chair and looked up when he heard Taylor and I enter.

"Well well well, you are in one piece. Just as I suspected," he smiled, "You do look a bit pale though, but I hear that is the trend these days."

I was so happy to see a friendly face, and one that was close to Harry for that matter, that I burst into tears. I could see Taylor look at him puzzled, but Mr. Lightoller shook his head (as if saying he could handle it), got up, came over to me, and took me into his arms as a father would do to a daughter. I was so embarrassed, but at the same time reveled in a comfort that I had not known before. Grandfather and George were there for me yes, but one of them was a grandfather and the other just a brother, what Mr. Lightoller was doing for me was something different altogether. I didn't cry for very long though and soon found myself pulling away from the wet mark I had left on his jacket and looked up at him,

"Where's Harry?" I asked. Surely if he was here then Harry must be, or at least somewhere nearby.

"He's still in Washington D.C. I am afraid. He wanted to come, but your grandfather thought it best that he didn't." he replied, dashing any hope I had of seeing Harry.

"Then what are you doing here?"

He looked over at my head towards Taylor. I turned and looked at him as well, "What? What is it?"

Taylor looked hesitant to speak, but he finally worked up his gall and looked at me with a very serious expression, "He's here to make a statement…to the police."

"The police?" I turned to Mr. Lightoller, "What for?"

"For his brother." He replied, indicating Taylor.

"What?"

Taylor sighed heavily, "That whole mess with the inquiries, it was all him."

I nodded, having known that for quite sometime, or suspected I should say.

"He bribed Senator Roberts in to ask Harry those questions. I guess he wanted to make him look bad, or something to that extent."

Taylor approached us, "He did it so your grandmother would think the world of him and not want you anywhere near Mr. Lowe."

I shook my head in dismay, "How did he expect that to work, she already had a husband…"I suddenly realized that Taylor was the one I was talking to and took my courage down a step, "…picked out for me."

Taylor averted his eyes from me, "Well...erm…I don't believe that he was thinking clearly."

I turned away from him and looked back to Mr. Lightoller, "Does Harry know this?"

He nodded, "Yes, yes he does."

"And?" I demanded.

"He doesn't like it anymore than anyone of us, but there isn't anything he can do right now. There's nothing any of us can do until this situation with his brother is all taken care of."

"Taken care of?"

"The proper officials have been informed and any minute now things will start to turn around for the better."

"THEN WHY ISN'T HE HERE?" I screamed.

Taylor looked as if I had slapped him while Mr. Lightoller just stood there as if I had not said anything at all and it made me angrier. I wanted to scream, stamp my feet on the floor and anything else I could to make them feel my anger.

"Sarah-"

"NO! I WANT TO KNOW WHY HE ISN'T HERE. IF HE LOVES ME SO MUCH THEN WHY ISN'T HE HERE FOR ME?"

Still Mr. Lightoller was unaffected by my anger and simply turned to Taylor and calmly said, "Alright, Taylor, I think you should leave us alone for a moment."

Taylor did not have to be told twice, he turned and walked out of the room quite quickly and shut the door behind him. As soon as he was gone, Mr. Lightoller put his arm around my shoulders, guided me over to a sofa, and sat me down.

"This situation is becoming far more complicated than it has to be. It is frowned upon by White Star Line for officers or any member of a ships crew, to mingle with the passengers, but you and Harry found one another through all of that mess and you managed to start a relationship." He smiled at me, as small tears began to fall from my eyes as those precious memories came back to me.

"In all my years of employment with them, I've only ever seen this happen once before."

I wiped my eyes, "I'll wager that they did not have the same problems that we have."

He nodded, "Well, in a way you are right, but in a way you're not. She was not quite 18 and he, well; he was just about Harry's age then. She came from a relatively wealthy family and was a first class passenger. He was the ships third officer and the moment he laid eyes on her he knew he would never be able to look at any other woman without comparing them to her."

I smiled, "Whatever happened to them?"

"Ah, well they married and have two children and according to a letter I got from my wife last week, we're expecting another."

"It was you?"

He laughed, "Well my wife and I, Sylvia is her name. Here…" he reached into his vest and pulled out his pocket watch and opened it and pointed to a picture on the opposite side of the clock face of a pretty woman and two little boys." …that's Sylvia of course, and this is Roger he's five, and that's Trevor, he's two."

"You have a beautiful family."

"Thank you." He closed the watch and put it back in its place, "I told you all of this to reassure you, Sarah. Nothing is impossible, even if it seems like the whole world is against you."

I sunk back against the couch and felt a fresh batch of tears come forth, "My grandmother is sending me to Russia, and at least I think she is. That's what she told me but…" through my tears, I began to tell him about Cal and the conservatory, just as I had told George earlier. He listened intently and halfway through passed me his own handkerchief, I thanked him and wiped my eyes. When I finally finished he immediately began to speak.

"I can promise you that if this grandmother of yours does in fact send you to Russia, you won't be there for long. This is all going to work out and you need to believe that."

"It's so hard." I sobbed.

"I know, but just trust me, alright."

I nodded, and wiped my face and opened to my mouth to thank him when I heard the doorbell ring. There was something inside of me that drew me away from the sofa and over to the door. Mr. Lightoller was not far behind me and as soon as the door was opened, we both were hit with a commotion that was coming from downstairs. We exchanged puzzled glances and I walked up the hall and peered over the railing down into the front hall.

"No, this is a mistake! Unhand me!"

I watched, to my astonishment, as Cal was drug into the hall in handcuffs, screaming at the two police officers who held him and the others who watched in surprise. He then disappeared out the front doors and another voice, that of a child, could be heard saying,

"Uncle Cal is getting arrested; Uncle Cal is going to jail."

"Well I must say their timing could not have been better." Mr. Lightoller said with a hint of amusement.

I did not say anything, but caught Taylor's eye, who I saw standing near the doorway. He nodded his head at me and for the first time in weeks, I actually felt safe. By no means did I feel any better about the situation, but at least I was not going to have to worry about Cal…just Harry.

"No more crying." Mr. Lightoller said, interupting my thoughts.

I turned away from the scene down below, reached up, and hugged him tightly. I wanted to thank him for being here for me, but I could not find the words. I still wanted Harry more than anything and with Cal now in the custody of the police I knew that without a doubt I was going to Russia and going to be kept as far from him as possible.

The click of shoes on the floor tore me away from Mr. Lightoller's kind embrace and I looked over near the stairs to see Aunt Isabel staring straight at me. Her stare was not unkind, but it did make me feel ashamed, like I was a child who just was caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I moved away from Mr. Lightoller quickly just as she pivoted around and stalked back down the stairs and into the parlor.

He looked at me with raised eyebrows, but I had no answers for him and I suddenly began to feel lightheaded. I gripped the railing for support and Mr. Lightoller eyes me suspiciously,

"Are you alright."

I began to shake my head, but that only made it worse and I could feel myself begin to fall over. He caught me just before I touched the floor. I was still semi conscious but the room was spinning and I began to kick myself for refusing to eat for the last few days because I did not like this feeling at all.

I must have blacked out for a moment, because when I awoke again I was back in my room with George, Polly, Taylor and Mr. Lightoller all there with me.

"Sarah, you're awake." Polly announced and leaned over to hug me tightly. When she pulled away, she smiled warmly at me, making that Polly I had seen in New York a few weeks before a distant memory.

I tried to sit up in the bed, but was immediately dizzy again and found myself being pushed back down into the pillows by George,

"No, you're not doing anything else until you eat something." He told me in a firm voice and then presented me with a bowl of soup, which Polly took and immediately began to feed me as if I was one of the twins. I did not argue, the warm chicken broth that was running down my throat brought me instant relief and I practically begged for more.

George went to Mr. Lightoller and Taylor who were sitting on the sofa near the window and the three of them spoke in low voices, then Taylor separated from the two of them and made his way over to me.

"I hope you feel better." He told me a kind voice and I thanked him, and just as he smiled and began to walk away, I could feel my eyelids become heavy and my body begin to succumb to the weakness that was plaguing me. I fell into my slumber hard, fast, and did not awaken for sometime.

* * *

_Taylor-_

After leaving Sarah's room, I made my way down the stairs and into the parlor where most of the days exciting activities had taken place. I found the room quite empty except for Mrs. Montgomery, my parents, sister and a man and woman who I did not know.

"I just can't believe this, Cal has never done a thing immoral in his life, why would they he did such a horrible thing? It is just not in his character and there was no motive. He had nothing to gain by doing that." Mother spoke up, her face red with a mixture of embarrassment and anger.

I saw Mrs. Montgomery glance over at her and then turn back to staring at the mantel, grimacing to herself. She knew very well why Cal had done it; I just do not think that she wanted to admit it to herself.

"And how inappropriate of those horrid police officers to just barge in on a day like this one when we are all in mourning." Virginia added.

My father, who stood over near the window, had yet to say anything. He looked more angry and livid than I had ever seen in my entire life, but I had to wonder if it was because of what Cal did or because of the fact that he had done it himself on many occasions and that any moment now someone would learn of it and he would end up with the same fate as my brother. I decided to myself that it was combination of the two, as selfish and vindictive as he was, Father always saw family as important, especially his eldest son.

He had never spared any expense or after thought when it came to Cal. He was given whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. I cannot say that the same had not been true for Virginia or me, but with Cal, it seemed to have an additional amount of indulgence to give. Because of that, Cal had always been accustomed to that lifestyle and in both of my parent's eyes, he was perfect. He could do no wrong, even when it was extremely wrong. When those situations began to arise father hired a former man of the law, Spicer Lovejoy, to keep Cal in check and to his credit, it was probably one of his better ideas. He did his best with Cal and kept him away from women of ill repute that he had been known to keep in his company before becoming engaged to Rose.

"Taylor?" Mother said noticing my presence and stiffened. She was obviously still angry with me from when I tried to warn her about Cal this morning. Her and Father had yelled at me for making up 'lies' and accused me of being jealous of Cal, "Where have you been?"

I sat down and made myself comfortable in a high backed chair, "Upstairs." I answered.

Mrs. Montgomery looked at me, "Upstairs?"

"Yes, with your granddaughter, the one you keep locked up as if she were an animal."

Father turned to me quickly his face shining with fury, "I told you that the agreement I had with Hailey was called off, you should not even be seen with that girl, let alone talk to her!"

"And yet you allowed Cal."

"I didn't allow him!" he stalked towards me, "I told him to stay away from her as well. He knew that I would never allow him to take her as his wife, but his ignorance was far too great and he went along with his ludicrous plan anyway.

"How foolish could he been to think that this would have actually worked? If he ever gets out of this mess, we will be doing things my way! No more of this egocentricity of his, I'VE HAD IT!" he screamed as close to my face as possible.

"Nathan-"

He pulled away and look at my mother, "No, Eugenia, each and every one of my children has managed to disappoint me in one way or another, whether by illegitimate pregnancy," he said casting a look over to Virginia, who's head fell in shame, "lack of direction," he said with his eyes on me, "or by pure stupidity. This is the last straw, as far as I am concerned Hailey both of your granddaughters were poison to my sons. Do what you will with Sarah, send her Russia, and send her to Africa for all I care, but keep her far away from Taylor and Cal! Eugenia we are leaving. Virginia find that little horror you call your son and let's get out of here!"

He grabbed my mother roughly by the arm and pulled her out of the room. Virginia rushed off to find Nate, while Mrs. Montgomery looked as if she had just been knocked senseless. She clasped her chest in shock in sank down into a chair. I myself was not sure what to do, should I leave, stay, I did not know.

In the end, after I heard the heard my parents and sisters make their final exit from the house, I decided to fetch Mr. Lightoller and leave. I rose from my chair, my presence unnoticed by Mrs. Montgomery, left the room and headed up the stairs the recent events still fresh in my mind. It was a horrible thing to say, but even though I knew my brother was suffering, I was glad he finally got what was coming to him and I hoped that it haunted him for the rest of his life. Because, it seemed, that was the only way he would ever truly learn his lesson.

When I reached Sarah's room, I lifted my hand to knock when the door opened and Mr. Lightoller came out.

"How is she doing?" I asked, stepping out of his way so he could shut the door.

The door clicked shut and he motioned for me to follow him away from the doorway.

"What?" I asked.

"Something isn't sitting right about all of this."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…" he paused, searching for his words, "I mean that I have a wife and we have two children, I know the symptoms."

"Of what?"

"Of…" he dropped his voice to a whisper, "Pregnancy."

Amidst my shock, I managed to ask him if he was sure. He shook his head, "No I'm not, but I am suspicious."

"George is a doctor, well he's a student, and shouldn't he be able to tell?"

"I think he suspects it as well, but he's probably reluctant to examine her. If her grandmother is reacting so harshly to…well, the present circumstances, I hate to think what she would do if she found out Sarah was with child."

"Especially Mr. Lowe's." I added and he nodded in response. There was then an uncomfortable silence between us. There was a question sitting on the tip of my tongue and I was hesitant to ask, but could not help myself, "Should we tell him?"

He shook his head, "I don't think that's wise. We don't know anything for sure yet and until we do, I think its best we just keep it to ourselves."

He was right, but my God, Sarah having a child. To think if Cal had gotten his way and married her "their" first child would not have even been his. The thought was comical, but I quickly found myself going back to reality. I did not want to see any more suffering on anyone's part and found myself hoping that Mr. Lightoller was mistaken in his diagnosis. Things were as bad as they could be already for the two of them and the last thing they needed was a baby to worry about.

**Okay okay, take a breath: ) Go to the forum, I'm going to start a topic on this and you'll see why I did what I did : )**

**Chapter title inspired by 'Where does my heart beat now?" by Celine Dion**


	53. Because of You

**I was only able to proof read about 3/4 of this so I apologize for any errors. On the brightside though I think this is probably the best chapter I've written for the story. It came out A LOT better than I had expected. **

**Hope you guys enjoy it too!**

**And keep the reviews coming I LOVE THEM!**

Chapter 53

May 13, 1912-New York City

_Harry-_

I looked around the crowded restaurant, looking over each table quickly before I saw Lights sitting towards the back and to the right. He waved at me and I acknowledged him and made my way back towards him. He stood up when I was near and extended his hand for me to shake, which I did. The formalities over with I sat down in my chair and opened my mouth to speak to him when a waiter approached,

"Can I get you anything to drink sir?"

I shook my head and the waiter moved away seeing the Lights already had a drink in front of him. My patience close to its limit I quickly asked what I had been dying to ask for days now,

"How is she?"

Lights took a sip of his brandy and set the glass back down on the table as he swallowed. Around me, silverware clinked and pointless conversation was being exchanged, hardly the thing that would drive someone to madness but I could feel my sanity begin to teeter as I waited for him to answer.

"She's…fine."

The breath I had been holding in for over two weeks was finally released and I lost my posture and sank back into the chair, relieved.

"Harry I feel there is something you should know though." He informed with a tone that clearly indicated how serious he was.

"What is it?"

He took another drink, this one longer and more desperate than the last. He set his glass down and looked over at me, "She's not well."

Immediately the dreams that had been plaguing me began to shoot back into my mind as though they were being fired from a cannon. I felt like the center of my being, whatever it was soul or otherwise that defined me to the rest of mankind, had been ripped from my core. My head fell to my side, not allowing Lights to see how much his words had affected me. I could count on one hand the number of times in my life that I had been at a loss for words and it was not something I was familiar with, but now, after hearing what he had just said, I found it to be more a burden now than ever before.

"Harry, it's not an illness that's taken her, it's a combination of many different things."

I looked up at him and shook my head, not understanding.

"Well, the first is obvious; the hearings. The rest is what has happened to her since then. Her grandmother…well from what her brother has said, she has been treating Sarah as if she were a prisoner and forcing her to live as such. Dark sheets over her windows, being locked in her room. He told me that she fell into a depression that he was not even aware of until he arrived the day of the funeral. She fainted twice-"

"Fainted?"

He nodded, "She hasn't been eating. After the second time it happened, when I was there, George finally got her to do so, but the effects were evident. She's lost most of her color, she's thinner-"

I could not hear anymore, "That's it, I'm going to her!" I stood up from the table and reached for my hat, not caring that the people at our neighboring tables had taken interest in my sudden movement and outburst.

Lights pulled on my arm and firmly put me back down in my seat, "No, you're not. We HAVE to leave tomorrow morning and you know that. Sarah will be fine…besides there's something else."

"What else could there be?" I fired back.

"She's being sent to Russia to live with her Aunt and Uncle."

"WHAT-"I looked around me, realizing the volume of my voice, and quickly leaned in closer over the table towards Lights, "What?"

"I don't know all of the details, just what she told me, but its all because of what happened. Her grandmother wants her in place where you will not be able to find her. Obviously she didn't know I was there, but this creates the perfect opportunity for you, after you have given your testimony you can go there and do whatever it is you want to do-"

"Has she already left?"

"I'm assuming so, although she didn't tell me when she was leaving."

"Did you ask?"

"No, I didn't have the chance that was around the time that your friend Hockley was arrested."

I sighed, partially from aggravation and partially from relief. Thank god, that disaster was taken care of, but that bit of good news could not make my anger towards Sarah's grandmother waver. What kind of woman would do this to her own grandchild? I will be the first to admit that I was not the most well behaved child, but my mother never shipped me off to a foreign country as punishment. I silently wondered if things would have been any different if Hockley had not of done what he did at the hearings. Would her grandmother have accepted me? Even though I knew that there was no way to change what had happened, I was beginning to regret what had happened in my cabin that evening.

"Harry, are alright?"

Numbly, I nodded.

"I didn't mean to spring this on you all at once, but I thought you should now before we left tomorrow.

Again, I nodded still lost in my own thoughts and only vaguely aware of what was going on around me, "I think I need some air." I told him.

"Air?"

"Yes, air." I replied coolly and rose my from my seat. I turned and began to make my way through the maze of tables and chairs towards the exit of the restaurant. When I was finally outside, I let the cool night air hit me and bring me out of the lapse that Lights' news had put me in.

I didn't have a coat, not that I really needed one as it was a lot warmer than it normally was back home, but still there was a nip in the air and I covered my head with my hat and stuffed my hands into my pant pockets and began to walk down the street.

Around me there were automobiles and streetcars moving at a quick pace, people bustling every which way going about and caring only for their own lives, the tall buildings of the city loomed high above me, and the lights of everything gathering together in one l bright light that was so large I could barely make out the starry sky above me, but my thoughts were elsewhere. My mind went back to where it had been in the restaurant; to Sarah and that night.

Looking back on it now I realize how wrong it was for me to even think of such a thing, but when I opened the door and saw her standing there; the dim hall lights bringing forth sparkles from her gown and select pieces of her hair falling in elegant curls that stopped at the base of her long neck, I couldn't help myself. I knew that by inviting her into my room I was breaking at least three White Star Line rules and even going against my own conscience and morals, but there was something about that moment, how beautiful she looked and something else that even now I could not explain that drew me to do it. Once that door was closed I knew I had sealed it, some how I knew what was about to happen.

Nothing had ever tasted more enticing than her lips or the soft skin of her neck and collarbone. It did not cross my mind until the very last moment that she had never done anything like that before and I can clearly remember calling myself an idiot for thinking that. Girls like her always waited for marriage; they treated it like a gift that was not to be opened until just the right moment and I took it in one swift moment. Everything else I can remember with great clarity; the way I kissed her, the way I undressed her and then myself, the bed that was altogether too small, but that moment seems to be a blur of salty tears and conflicting emotions.

As I walked along the street, kicking lone pebbles out my way, I thought of how beautiful she looked lying there beneath me and I had to ask one final time if she really wanted it to happen and she told me she did with her sweet breath hitting my face. I had no idea what it would be like for her, of course I had heard things, but every from before woman had not been like her and all I could think to do was to be as gentle as possible. Nevertheless, even as I did that I could see the pain in her face and the tears clinging to her long eyelashes. I remember leaning over and kissing them away and stopped what I was doing when I saw her emerald like eyes open and stare right into my own.

"I love you." She told me in the faintest whisper.

Then I smiled down at her and told her the same. It was hard to believe that such a perfect moment could cause such turmoil, but as much as I wanted to regret it, something inside of me would not allow it. I loved her and knew with a great certainty that I always would. Her grandmother could send her to the moon and I would follow. From the first moment that I saw her in that ridiculous shop in Southampton, I loved her.

My mind quickly recovered the moment and I smiled when I remembered how she had blushed when she saw me looking at her. It wasn't very often that I got a reaction such as that and all the way back to the ship I bragged about it, but Moody had put me in place telling me that she was probably some 16 year old who had never been allowed out on her own before and I was the first man that had ever done that to her. He was close enough, I will give him that, but still I knew that it was more than just that.

As bad as things had gotten I knew that I could not give up. I knew that either way there would be problems even if I did manage to pull her away from the prison term she had been sentenced to there would still be things standing in our way. Her age, for one. Something that did not bother me, but I knew would bother other people. I was determined though, I was going to do as Lights suggested and wait until after my testimony had been given, but after that was over with I was going to be on the first train to Moscow or St. Petersburg, wherever it was that she was be taken to. I was going to let her be taken from me that easily, not now, not ever.

* * *

_Sarah-_

Confined to a room, locked away from the world, sadly it was something I had become used to. It was a different room, this time in New York, at a stranger's house with Nan on one side and Aunt Isabel in the other. I felt more trapped than ever and was beginning to doubt what George had said to me before I left.

"_I promise you I'll get you back here; you won't be there for long. Not if I have anything to say about it."_

He had spoken those words with such sincerity that I felt no need to question him, but as the morning drew closer and closer, the luggage began to pile up around me, and Nan and Aunt Isabel were keeping a constant visual, I was beginning waver in my hope. They where everywhere; my bedroom, my sitting room, wherever I was one or the other was there watching me. The only place I seemed to have even the slightest hint of privacy was the bathroom and I had made the most of that.

We had only arrived in New York the day before, but I had already taken about twenty baths in that time. On top of the warmth and comfort, which it gave me it also relieved the nausea that still plagued me even though I was eating just as George had told me to do. I felt like my body was turning against me. Foods I used to love now made my stomach turn at just their mention, suddenly I was unable to stomach the smell of certain things, like Uncle Serge's aftershave. Thankfully, I was not around him very often, but when I was, I felt as if I was going to explode.

Fortunately, I did not feel that way at the moment and was focusing my attention on an important task. Harry's watch. I had not seen it since before that day at the hearings, but I knew it had been packed up with my other belongings from Grandfather's hotel suite.

It took me a good while, well after the sun had set outside before I finally found it and held up to the dim light in my room. The gold shined brightly and even twinkled slightly as my unsteady hand let it twirl slowly around.

"What is that?"

The harsh words from Nan's mouth startled me and I dropped the watch quickly back into the trunk. How could I have been so ignorant to let myself be caught when I knew what she was capable of?

"Sarah, what was that?" she yelled red-faced in my direction.

"Nothing." I replied,

In a desperate attempt I dipped my hand down into the still opened trunk and attempted to fish the watch back out but she came towards me quickly and pushed the lid down so fast I barely had a chance to move my hand.

"Don't lie to me!" she screamed so loudly I could feel the floor underneath me shake. She kept her eyes firmly fixed on me as she leaned over and opened the trunk herself and I watched with a heavy heart as she pulled the watch out by the end of the chain and dangled it in front of me, "A watch," She said with a sadistic smile that would have made Satan shake in fear, "A man's pocket watch no less. I know it's not George's, and I know that it's not your father's, what other man could it belong to?" her face then contorted into a mocked epiphany, "I know, Mr. Harold Lowe's!"

"GIVE IT BACK!" at that moment, that simple object was all I had left of Harry's and I was not about to let it be taken from me so easily, "GIVE IT BACK TO ME, NOW!"

"How dare you speak to me like that. I am your grandmother and I demand that you treat me with some respect!"

"Damn respect! I want that back this instant!"

Even I was shocked by my audacity. Raising my voice to Nan was still relatively new to me, but I had never dared to use any profanity in front of her, even with that though, it was the silence that followed that was the worst. With no words to be spoken, she looked at me with hard, cruel eyes and clasped the watch tightly in her hand, hiding it from me. I bit my lips trying to stop the cries that wanted so badly to be released.

She moved sharply towards me and took me by the arm and pulled me up the from the floor, "Sit." She said pointing to the desk chair and I involuntarily did so. She paused for a moment, keeping her eyes on me the whole time before she turned away and began to speak,

"I must say this whole situation has matured you far beyond my expectations."

I said nothing and focused on the closed fist that held Harry's watch.

"I'll give your grandfather credit when I say that you are less like your mother than I thought. Even when she did do this she agreed and went along with everything that I told her do. She paid her dues though, George's birth was a long and difficult one and she suffered through three miscarriages before having you."

As mad as I was at my mother, I did not see how losing three babies and having a difficult time giving birth could be considered a mere punishment for what she and my father had done.

"Now you on the other hand, just don't seem to understand that what you did was wrong. I brought you up with morals and I know that your teachers and at Winningham did the same. You went to church every Sunday there, did you not, and yet you still managed to allow the first man who came along to take your innocence as if it was nothing. What will you do on your wedding night now Sarah, that is if any man will have you now?"

She waited patiently for my answer, but I refused to open my mouth. Truth be told I hadn't thought of any of that, because I had had faith that Harry and I would be reunited, of course now that hope was beginning to dim, but I wasn't about to tell her any of that.

She shook her head, pursing her lips tightly together, "You still think that there's a chance don't you? Sarah, darling, there is not. I can tell you right now, that it is best for you to just forget about this man and focus on the new life you are about to begin.

"I was once like you; naïve about the world and thinking that love was something that was unplanned and pure, but it just isn't that way. When I was 16, there was a boy…Benjamin Hawkins…" she looked over at me and I could see the ice around her eyes begin to melt and those sweet and beautiful eyes I had known before, broke through, "…he gave me my first kiss one bright spring afternoon. I looked into his eyes and saw my whole world; past, present and future. I thought I would be with him forever, but then your grandfather came into the picture and my parents were not only insistent about a marriage between us, but also forceful.

She brushed tears away from her eyes and I felt my own heart begin to soften, "We married and I left him. Years later I did see him again, but…" she then stopped and caught my eye, "I just don't want to see the same thing happen to you. Your heart is young and doesn't understand."

"If you don't want me to be unhappy, then let me be with him." I pleaded in a quiet voice that struggled to sound brave and rational.

For a moment she looked as it she was going to relent, but just as quickly as that moment had came it was gone. She opened her hand, glanced down at the watch, then back up at me, and shook her head and my own heart fell.

"I can't do that. You are going to Russia and my sister will do what she can for you. It isn't going to be easy for either one of us, but it's what has to be done."

I shook my head, tears falling from my eyes, "Nan, please-"

Tears were running down her face as well, but she simply shook her head, turned around, and walked out of my room, taking any hope I had for Harry and I and his watch with her. She left me crying and curled up tightly in desperation to comfort myself, but I had no comfort to give. I was better off dead at least then, I would be at peace, as Rose was.


	54. Taking Over Me

**Thank you so much to Kate and Tipper for helping me out with this chapter. I owe a lot to them and hope everyone enjoys it!**

Chapter 54

May 14, 1912

_Sarah-_

The next morning greeted us with bright sunshine and damp cool air that hung in light wisps of fog that had come in off of the river and I made it a point to open my bedroom window and inhale as much of it sweetness as possible. It was one of the rare moments alone that I had that day. Around 8 o'clock, a maid came in to help me dress in a dress that Nan had picked out; a blue twill that fell straight on my body and gold and blue jacket to go over it.

The rest of the morning went by quickly and before I knew it, we were leaving for the pier. The sailing of the Adriatic far less acknowledged than the Titanic had been, but I preferred it that way. There was only a small crowd gathered near the large, but not very opulent, Adriatic.

Nan had ridden with us in the car, but had not said a word to me, nor did I to her, at all that morning. Aunt Isabel, who seemed quite pained to have me as part of her entourage, kept the conversation going with Uncle Serge, who's only response to her words were nods, shakes, and grunts. However, her other traveling companion devoted all of its attention to her, a small powder puff of a dog who's name was Mishka.

She was an interesting animal, who wasn't quite an animal at all. She wore two pink bows in her hair right in front of her ears and was brushed and groomed to perfection. The only person who she seemed to like was Aunt Isabel, who treated her as if she were a newborn child. Every time Uncle Serge would get near her she would growl and her mouth would curl up so that her teeth would show. She even had a problem with Nan, though she didn't react as badly towards her as she did with Uncle Serge.

When the car came to a stop at the first class platform entrance, I somberly got out of the vehicle and adjusted my hat and gloves, not acknowledging any of my surroundings. When Aunt Isabel emerged from the car just after I did, clutching Mishka snuggly in her arms she called to a steward,

"Yoo hoo, you there." She called in such a sweet voice that it actually pained my teeth, "Please see to our luggage…Serge!" she turned to Uncle Serge who had just gotten out of the car. He went to the steward looking annoyed and handed him some money and told him where to take the luggage.

Nan was the last to get out and caught my gaze when she did so, but I quickly turned away and found myself staring up at the huge ship that was taking me to back to England and felt fear grab hold of me. It was sudden and lasted only a moment, but it was enough to shock me. It was not any wonder to me why it had happened; after all, it was only a month ago…had it been that long? Yes, today was the 14th, and tonight at 11:30 it would be exactly, a month since it all happened.

"Sarah." Nan's voice said softly, pulling me out of my trance. I kept my gaze firmly planted on the ship, even though I heard her words as clear as day.

"I can see that you still have not come around." She replied, seeing that I had not responded to her words, "I do not know why I thought that you would, but you should at least have the decency to say good-bye to me." Her voice was barely above a whisper, but I could hear the firmness in it and I reluctantly found myself turning to her.

"Good-bye." I said, feeling rebellious and guilty at the same time.

I could see how much I hurt her, but I kept my face as emotionless as I could and turned back to the ship. She sighed heavily, leaned over, and kissed me on the cheek, but I could not tell if it was for show or if she really cared. After that she got back into the car, I joined Aunt Isabel, Mishka and Uncle Serge, and we all followed the other first class passengers up toward the first class entrance of the ship.

Once on board, Aunt Isabel led the way to the suite that the three of us would be sharing. Suite A-14 had two bedrooms, a sitting room and two washrooms. Aunt Isabel had three maids who had been sent to the ship earlier that day and were there to meet us when we walked in. They took Aunt Isabel's coat, parasol and gloves and Uncle Serge's hat and gloves, while I was left to fend for myself.

"Which is my room?" I asked out loud.

Aunt Isabel turned to me and then looked at one of the maids, "Anya." She called, she then turned back to me, "I don't like this arrangement anymore than you do, but it is what has to be done. Anya will help you with anything that you need. Wherever you go on this ship, she will follow, she doesn't speak English so there will be no use to try and connive her to do otherwise."

"I would never-"

"Sarah, I know everything that you have done and you can trust in the fact that your words mean very little to me. You are spoiled rotten just as your mother was and of course, just as it was with your mother, I have to clean up the mess my sister created. A suite of rooms at our home in St. Petersburg have been made up just for you, and there will be very strict rules that you are expected to follow while you are living with us and I see no reason why we can't start them right here…"

She began to rattle off a list of rules that included me not leaving the house without a proper escort, I would not speak to anyone unless introduced to them first and attending church with them on a daily basis.

"…Of course the most important rule, no men, unless myself or Serge has given our permission and even then you are to go no where alone. Is that clear?"

I nodded my head.

She smiled, "Good, I will not have what happened at my sisters house happen again in mine."

My eyebrows raised, "What?" I asked, visibly confused.

"Please, I saw you with that officer of yours. Right as that poor Hockley boy was being arrested, you were in his arms. I still do not understand how you got him into the house, or why he did not take you away for that matter. At least that way I wouldn't have to deal with you."

Was she talking about Mr. Lightoller? Oh lord, she was, "Aunt Isabel you don't-"

"I told you I didn't want to hear it. Anya…" she began speaking to her in Russian not giving me a chance to tell her that she had been sorely mistaken. I looked over and noticed that Uncle Serge's eyes were on me and he looked at me as if he knew what I wanted to say to his wife, but he kept his mouth closed and went out onto the private promenade deck of our suite.

I sighed heavily, realizing that in the end if I did correct her she would probably only think that I had not one but two men and that there were probably more. I would not put her past to her to think that I had had the whole crew of Titanic. Instead, I followed Anya into my room and sat down on the bed. I leaned back against the headboard and pressed my fingers to my head, feeling a headache coming on.

Outside the ship had started to pull away from the pier and began to my journey to the Russian imprisonment that Nan had sentenced me to.

Not long after I had found a relaxing position on the bed I found myself drifting off into a deep slumber and I awoke several hours later to a dark room and silence. From the movement of the ship underneath me I could tell that we were out in open water and this only confirmed my suspicion that I had been asleep for quite sometime. I sat up in the bed, but immediately found myself lying back down. My limbs felt limp and my headache was worse than it had been before I lay down. I was still in my clothes and realized that it I wanted to stay in bed that I should undress, at least that way I would be more comfortable.

I forced myself up, using the night table as an aid and carefully, on unsteady feet, made my way over to the one of the trunks that had not been unpacked yet and opened it searching for one of my nightgowns. I found one near the bottom and pulled it out. It was difficult but I managed to remove my dress and get my nightgown on all on my own. I then began to walk back to the bed, and then suddenly I felt so awful.

I barely made it to the bathroom and collapsed on the floor when it was over with. I could not understand why this was happening to me. I had eaten, I had tried to be more positive just as George had told me to, but it was not working, the closer and closer I came to Russia and the fate that awaited me there, it seemed the more upset I became. I felt doomed.

The reality of my destiny stabbed hard into my heart and I began to weep again. I had been naïve to think that I had been alone before when I had George, Brigit and even Taylor near me. Now I truly had no one. I had no idea where Harry was and although I had told Mr. Lightoller about what Nan and Aunt Isabel were doing, I had neglected to tell him when I was leaving. So far, all Harry and Grandfather knew I was still in Philadelphia. Through my despondence, I wondered what story Nan would concoct when Grandfather asked where I was.

My tears began to flow faster and my heartbeat picked up its pace when I began to think of what she could tell him. Her sudden softness towards me last night did not my make my anger towards her waver, if anything it gave it more fuel. She was cruel and heartless and I knew that she would only tell him lies about my whereabouts, trying to keep my imprisonment going far as long as possible. I chastised myself for falling victim to her lies all of my life and for her taking me away from the few people in the world that I trusted.

I became so upset with my contemplations and feelings that I found myself becoming sick again. It was worse this time, as if I had my back to the ocean and wave after wave kept hitting me harder and harder causing me to retch forward. I gagged from both it and the tears and could feel myself begin to slip from sanity. The room was spinning and my head was throbbing violently and I thought I was well on my way out of reality when I felt someone pull me back up. My eyes quickly came back into focus and for a moment everything stood still and I could see that, it was Anya. She was speaking me to me, I knew that because I could see her lips moving, but there was no sound. Her face then began to blur and my head pounded with more vengeance, but I struggled to keep her in focus. I thought I had achieved victory when I saw her eyes become clearer and then her mouth, but when all of the pieces had come together it was not Anya's face that I saw. It was Hannah's.

She was gray with blue lips and the icicles that hung from her hair framed her face. Cold and wet hands were digging themselves into my arms and I screamed as she moved closer to me,

"Get away from me!"

I somehow managed to get myself off the floor, but she stopped me before I could get out of the room, putting her arm around me,

"NO!" I cried, followed by another blood-curling scream. I threw all of my weight against her arm and managed to escape her grasp. I fumbled into my dark bedroom, not finding the solace I sought, but more faces; Jack, Mr. Moody, Mr. Andrews and then Rose…she was staring right at me with those piercing eyes of hers.

"No." I repeated, not believing the images before me. I shook my head hoping it would shake away what stood before me, but it only left me more confused and terrified. I did not know what to do; everywhere I turned, it seemed to get worse. Everything began to spin again and I remembered screaming one final time before running back into the wall and sliding to the floor.

_Harry-_

"They're a lot alike aren't they…her and the Titanic." Lights remarked, referring to the Adriatic.

I nodded, out of politeness rather than to continue the conversation. We had just come from dinner and were strolling down a corridor on A-Deck. Lights was doing his best to keep up the conversation, but I was resisting. He knew why, that was not a secret.

"Harry?"

"Hm?"

He sighed, annoyed with my lack of communication, "Look, I'm not asking you to forget about her, but hell, at least pull yourself out of this mood you've seemed fit to be in ever since I told you about her."

I shook my head, "Russia? Of all the bloody places in the world-"a woman in a maid's uniform was coming towards us and we both moved aside to let her pass, and wouldn't you know it, she thanked us in Russian.

Lights stifled a smile, "Seems that Russia isn't as far off as you previously thought."

I shook my head at the maid, who had disappeared into one of the first class suites and then turned back to Lights and shot him a glare, "That was unnecessary."

He smiled openly this time and we continued down the corridor, but I stopped suddenly when I heard the distinctive sound of scream coming from inside one of the rooms. Lights heard it to and we both turned around to the direction it had come from,

"Sounds like someone is scared." He remarked.

I nodded, somehow finding myself thinking that it was more than that.

"Probably some young newlyweds enjoying their first night together." He replied, humor lining his voice.

Somehow, it did not sound that way to me. I had heard that scream before and it had not been over something that trivial. I had heard it that night a month ago, only it was thousands of screams brought together into one. It had echoed off the cold waters of the Atlantic and into my memory and I knew that it had no intention of leaving.

"I need some air." I told him.

"Air again?"

"Yes, again."

I walked away from him and passed from one corridor into the next, making my way out into the dark night. I inhaled the breeze coming in off the water, approached the railing and pressed my hands into it. I looked out at the dark water, my mind wandering back to that corridor.

Something was wrong, I could feel it. It was the same feeling I had been getting after one of those awful dreams I had been having about Sarah. Things did not have to be this way; they could have been so much different.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small box that Mr. Wilkes had given to me before I had left this morning. Inside of it was Sarah's grandmother's wedding ring.

"_Why are you giving this to me?" I asked, looking from the ring back up to him._

"_You never know when it might come in handy." Was all he said. _

I opened the box and examined the contents. I did not know much about jewelry, but I knew that this ring was worth an awful lot. It was silver; at least that is what it looked like, with a large square cut diamond in the center with two smaller ones on either side of it. Something that would look beautiful on Sarah's hand. That was if I ever got the chance to give it to her.

I snapped the box shut and clutched it tightly in my fist, the wind picked up around me and blew across my face sending chills throughout my body. I remembered that night a month ago, when yet again I had not had her near me. Then I had known where she was, now, I had no idea. She could be in Russia already, she could still be back with her grandmother in the states, I just did not know.

I hoped wherever she was though, she knew that I loved her and more than anything, I wanted her with me. Leaning on the railing, I looked straight down at the water and hoped the message would get to her.

May 15, 1912

_Sarah-_

"You are more trouble than your worth do you know that?" Aunt Isabel snapped at me.

It was the next morning and even I had to admit that last night had been an exasperating experience. I remembered exactly what had happened and tried to explain it all to her after Anya had pulled me out of my delirium, but she only looked at me as if I had escaped from the madhouse. I could not understand for the life of me why I had acted so irrationally and why I had seen the things that I had. I did not believe in ghosts or the supernatural, but they had seemed so real to me and I had been so terrified, that I just lost all sagacity and let myself go.

"I have a right mind to have this ship turned around and give you back to your grandmother."

"Oh Belle please, there is no way that could happen." Uncle Serge spoke up in his thick Russian accent as returned his coffee cup to its saucer.

"Well it's worth a try." She sighed heavily, "Seeing ghosts, screaming so loudly that the people below us probably thought a murder was being committed, she'll have the whole ship talking by the end of the day."

I picked up my teacup and sipped some of the fragrant liquid, trying to ignore my Aunt's prattle. I should have just kept quiet about the whole thing, told her I had a nightmare or something like that. That would not have been a lie exactly, it had been a nightmare, I just had not been asleep. In fact, after that I had forced myself to stay awake for the rest of the night. I was too afraid to sleep. It had not helped that my nausea had taken up residence inside of me ever since then. I was even more convinced now that something was wrong with me and after Aunt Isabel had awoken this morning I begged her to call for the doctor but she refused, telling me that he had more important things to do than examine an 'over zealous hypochondriac'.

When breakfast was over Aunt Isabel announced she was going to take a walk.

"Mishka, darling." She called and from the bedroom a high-pitched bark responded and a thump was heard as Mishka jumped off the bed and her little legs carried her quickly into the sitting room. She jumped into my Aunt's arms and lapped at her face with happiness. Uncle Serge approached Aunt Isabel with her coat and gloves and Mishka growled angrily as he neared her.

"Oh my little ray of sunshine, there's no need to be upset. Here…" she thrust the ball of fur towards me so she could put her coat on. Mishka's beady eyes looked at me, as though she was wondering what to make of the new person that was holding her, but Aunt Isabel was done before she could make a conclusion and she was back with her owner, barking and snuggling happily in my Aunt's arms. I shrugged and began to start for my room, but Aunt Isabel stopped me.

"Oh no you don't, you're as pale as a ghost, you need some fresh air, get yourself ready, you're coming with us."

Reluctantly I found a hat, gloves and light coat to match my pale pink dress and joined my Aunt and Uncle (and Mishka) and we made our way out to the promenade deck. The sun was bright and the air was pleasant, but my mood remained foul. The movement of the water under the ship seemed to more noticeable to me as I walked and could actually feel my stomach and head begin to move in accord with it.

"Aunt Isabel, I-"

"What a beautiful day, isn't it my little one." She replied, ignoring me and nuzzling Mishka close to her. Mishka barked in agreement while I staggered behind, feeling more and more ill with each passing step. Finally, she stopped when she saw someone she recognized and I was able to sit down in a deck chair and attempt to regain my composure. Aunt Isabel let Mishka down and she began to sniff around the deck, moving under other passenger's feet and causing some to nearly trip over. If I had felt better, this little duchess of a dog who thought herself to be better than everyone else would have probably amused me, but I was too consumed with how awful I felt to pay her any mind.

To escape the way I was feeling I allowed myself to become lost in a daze, but was yanked out of it abruptly by Aunt Isabel's screams.

"What is it?"

"WHERE IS SHE? MISHKA! MISHKAAAA!" she screamed moving around the deck so frantically you would have thought someone had kidnapped her child. Uncle Serge swooped in quickly and grabbed her,

"Isabel-"

"She's gone, GONE!"

"I'm sure she's around here somewhere."

"Oh Lord, what if-"she raced to the end of the deck and peered over the railing. There were very slight openings between the rail and the deck, and I could understand how Aunt Isabel could think that Mishka could have fit through one of them.

"I doubt that happened." Uncle Serge replied, "Sarah, why don't you go down the deck and see if you can find her. I am sure she just wandered off. We'll meet you back in the suite in 30 minutes."

I nodded and did as I was told. I stayed as far away from the railing as I could, not being able to look at the water underneath me. I am sure to a passerby I must have looked quite silly, possibly even intoxicated. I just felt so unsteady and nauseous. No one else seemed to have trouble moving except for me, or maybe that was just the way I felt. I had been to upset to eat anything at breakfast that morning and George's scolding words came back to me at that moment. I knew he was right, but the thought of eating only to have it make me sick later, was ignorant to me. I assumed to just not eat anything and so far, aside from the fact that I felt a bit woozy, it was working.

I looked for Mishka for what felt like a half hour, before going back to the suite to meet Uncle Serge and Aunt Isabel. However when I entered I found the room empty and decided to take advantage of situation and rest. I took off my hat and gloves and laid my coat over the back of a chair before falling onto the sofa in a relaxing position and it was not long after that I was sound asleep.

_Harry-_

There I was strolling down the deck minding my own business when out of nowhere a small furry thing came running towards me, complete with a silk pink bow in her hair that flapped as she moved. It honestly took me a moment to realize that it was a dog, but I leaned down and held my hand out for it to sniff me before I picked it up. It licked my face and the nuzzled its face into my arm.

I saw that there was a collar on it and turned the gold nametag over to see 'MISHKA' printed elegantly on it. I thought it was an interesting name and began to scan the deck to see if her owner was around anywhere. No one seemed to even notice her, let alone be a possible owner, so I moved down the deck to the direction she had come from and looked for any potential dog owners when suddenly a tall woman, in her sixties I guessed and obviously rich, came running towards me just as the dog had only moments before.

"MISHKA!" she said snatching the dog from my arms. She then proceeded to cover it in kisses and talk to it in sugary gibberish, like I sometimes hear my sister-in-law, Mary, does with my niece, Gwen.

"Oh my darling, you're alright!" she kissed her again, then checked her over, and then finally looked at me. Her well-aged face smiled softly at me and she kissed me on the cheek, "Such a sweet young man, saving my poor little darling. How can I ever repay you?"

"Madame, there's no need for that."

If possible, she smiled even more, "Oh yes there is, a brave fine looking fellow such as yourself should be used to things like this."

It took all I had to not burst out laughing when I heard her say that. I simply shook my head though about to bid her a good day when she looped her free arm through mine and began to walk me down the deck,

"Now, now there must be something that I can do for you." She said to me with a coy look in her eyes.

"No, really, there's no need."

She shook her head, "That's not what I wanted to hear. Now what is your name?" she asked sweetly.

"Harold-"

"Ah, what a lovely name. Harold, a handsome name to go with a handsome man. You're mother made the right choice."

"Uh, thank you. I'll be sure to tell her that."

"How old are you, Harold?"

"Twenty-nine, Madame." I replied, annoyed.

She nodded, still smiling and clutching the dog close to her, "When I was that age I was married with 5 children and one on the way, are you married?"

"No, I'm not."

"What a shame." She said with a pout on her lips, "You know, I have this friend on board, Mrs. Walker, and she has a daughter, Violet, who just turned 20. Oh, you must meet her. She is a very beautiful girl, blonde hair, blue eyes-"

I had been warned about this type of woman; told to avoid them at all costs and to free myself quickly from the web they could create quickly around you…they were matchmakers, and this woman seemed to have honed her skill quite well. I had to get out here and fast, with care I removed my arm from the loop she had created,

"I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm actually engaged."

She looked at me as if I was lying, "Oh? Engaged, anyone that I would know?"

"I highly doubt it."

"Well let me decide that for myself, tell me-"

"There you are." Another voice spoke up.

I turned around, never more glad in my life to see Lights. He walked towards me with Pitman following close behind him,

"We were wondering where-"he stopped when he saw that I had been talking to someone and started to step away kindly when the woman shot him a gaze that was as cold as ice.

"You!" she growled at him.

Lights looked confused, "Pardon?"

She looked enraged beyond reason, turned away from the three of us, and walked away quickly. Leaving the three of us to look at her and each other in mutual confusion.

"What in the world?" Pitman asked.

"Women!" Lights replied shaking his head in aggravation, "I've never even seen her before."

"She seems to know you though; at least she thinks she does." I told him.

He nodded, then stopped and his eyes moved from one side to the other as if he was trying to remember something. After a short bit, though, he gave up. Pitman laughed and began to imitate the old woman,

"YOU!" he said in a voice that cracked and pointed a shaky finger at him.

For the first time in, awhile I found myself amused and began to laugh along with Pitman. Lights glared at us, but we both knew that if the old woman had pointed at one of us he would be doing the same thing right now. We taunted him all the way back inside, where I felt more relaxed and strangely enough felt like I had taken a step closer to Sarah.

_Sarah-_

"…here on this ship, I can't believe it!"

"Will you be quiet; the girl is sleeping in the next room!"

"I don't care! If he finds out…well I just never recover from the shame. You need to make sure he stays away."

"What do you want me to do, follow him?"

I sat up, groggily and looked over the back of the sofa towards Uncle Serge and Aunt Isabel's bedroom. Still half-awake I rubbed my eyes and ran my fingers through hair that had become disheveled in my sleep. I wondered what they were talking about, or rather whom they were talking about.

Shrugging to myself I moved to put my feet on the floor and felt _it _come back. Annoyed, I hurried to the bathroom and did what was becoming a common practice to me. When it was over with, I went to the sink and turned on the faucet. I let the water run between my fingers before deciding it was the right temperature and then splashed some on my face. I reached for a towel and wiped away the water, it was then that I caught my reflection in the mirror and all thoughts about Aunt Isabel, Uncle Serge and my illness went out the window. I brought my fingers to my face, not believing what I saw. I did not even recognize myself; my skin was pale, there were dark circles under my eyes, and my cheeks looked as if they had sunk into my face. I may not have looked like myself, but I did look familiar…I looked just like Rose…just the way she had that night when Jack first came into her life.

I clutched the sink with both hands, staring in disbelief at myself and remembering what I had looked like only a short while ago, when my hair actually had shine and my eyes were bright. My head dropped when I could not stand to look anymore.

_I'm dying…_

I closed my eyes, still bracing myself against the sink, reluctantly accepting the conclusion I had just composed in my mind. Mr. Lightoller was wrong, so was George…no one was going to save me. I looked up again, facing my reflection and knew right then and there Harry would want nothing to do with someone who looked like this. There was no hope, no escape, just a prison sentence that my grandmother called a life.

From where I was standing I could see only one solution; one-way to escape my fate and finally be at peace. It seemed drastic, but Rose had done it and it had worked for her, so why couldn't the same be true for me? It was decided, tonight, when the world slept, I would make my misery vanish forever and find the consolation I had been wanting for so long.


	55. It's Been So Long

**Thanks you guys for the reviews! They really gave me the extra push I needed with this chapter (and trust me every little push helped). Katie, thanks especially for your very detailed review. And of course THANK YOU to Tipper and Kate for helping me once again : ) Every last one of you are great!**

**A/N: So orginally this chapter and chapter 56 were supposed to be one, but when I got to 10 pages I realized it would probably be best if I divided it. Another thing you should know is that the next chapter will be the last chapter…in part I. Scared you guys huh? LoL, well I just thought it would be less complicated for me if I divided the story into two parts; the first part about Harry and Sarah meeting and falling in love, and the second…well I guess you'll just have to wait to see what happens : )**

Chapter 55

May 15, 1912

_Sarah-_

A strong gust of wind hit me as soon as I opened the door, as if it was trying to push me back inside, but my determination was too strong and I pushed myself out the door and onto the deck. Once I was there; outside, under a sky so dark that the moon and stars were not even visible, I could feel the wind blow through the thin material of my dress and whip my loose hair around. I recognized the scent of rain as it passed me and thought it more than fitting. I turned to my left and then to my right, and then to the left again, before deciding to go to the back of the ship just as Rose had done.

I had left no note or letter, nothing to indicate what I was doing. Leave them to think what they want, all that mattered to me was that I was not going to be around for them to torment and punish. There was a small voice inside of me that argued and fought as I slowly made my way towards my destination, telling me that I was going straight to hell for what I was doing, but I was in hell all ready, and I knew nothing would ever hurt me more than being ripped away from Harry, or surviving the Titanic, or living with the knowledge that I had contributed to Rose's death. Things were going to be better this way for everyone.

I kept walking, picking up my pace once I could see the aft in front of me. The wind was blowing harder now, and somewhere faraway, I could hear thunder. It was a cold wind, one slipped easily through the thin fabric of my dress and sent a horrible shiver throughout me, but even as it blew harder, I clung tightly to my purpose, not letting myself waver. Nothing was going to stop me, not even the light raindrops that I felt fall from the sky and onto the uncovered skin of my arms and face.

I reached out with one hand and touched the railing with my fingers, feeling the cool metal on my fingertips. It calmed me and I found my left hand following suit, then I began to do what I imagined Rose had done not so very long ago. I lifted my foot up towards the first rung on the railing, but something stopped me. A voice. A voice that I could barely hear over the rough wind that was causing the water under me to rise in rough white capped waves.

"Miss?"

I didn't answer, because I truthfully did not know if it was coming from my head or from someone else. It was so dark out, it would have been easy for someone to hide in the shadows and go undetected. I could not concern myself with that now though, I had to do this, it was the only way, the only exit that I had. That was when the rain began to fall harder, huge drops that stung as they hit my skin and had my hair drenched after only a few moments.

I lifted my foot again, this time making it to the railing, hoisting myself up, and being able to put my other foot next to it.

"I don't think you want to do that!" the voice called, this time more persistent.

I wanted to scream at them, but I kept my mouth clamped shut, not wanting to break my concentration. I had to do this; it was the only way...

"The only way." I whispered as I began to step up and lift my leg over the side. There was a sudden rush of footsteps behind me and before I knew it, a pair of strong arms were pulling me off and away from the railing.

"LET ME GO!" I screamed, and reached back for the railing. My fingers barely grasped it before they pulled me away again.

"Calm down! What on earth were you doing?" I heard a male voice scream in my ear. His voice sounded familiar, but I was too angry to care why. I fought him hard, trying in vain to break the hold he had on me.

"Let go of me! You don't understand," I nearly cried.

"Don't you know what you were doing is dangerous?" he snapped and jerked me around. "You could have been-"

He stopped when he saw me, his face frozen in shock. Confused, I brushed away the tears the had clouded my eyes and looked back at him and suddenly knew why the stranger had abruptly turned to stone. His grip was still holding tightly to my arms but his face was soft and wavering, just as I remembered it. Oh, could it be true? I longed to reach out and touch it, just to confirm to myself that he was real, but I was lost; lost in the moment, the feeling, but above all, lost in those eyes that I had put all my heart and faith into.

In the end it was he who broke from his statue like cast and reached up with a sturdy hand and brushed away a piece of my wet hair that had matted to my forehead. His touch brought me out of my stone silent and stationary world and I leaned my head in as his hand cupped around it. There was a sigh from both of us and then he moved in quickly and kissed me desperately, passionately, and with a force so strong, it pushed me deeper into his waiting arms.

"Tell me this is real." I pleaded in a whisper, so afraid that at any moment he would disappear.

He smiled at me, his eyes shining, "Yes, it is."

As the rain around us came to a stop, happiness overtook me and I flung my arms around his neck, "Oh Harry!" I wanted to cry, I tried, but the past few weeks without him had brought me to tears on a daily basis and it seemed that there were none left for this moment. I felt helpless, not knowing how to show my emotions, but without hesitation, he kissed me again, allowing me the perfect outlet. It was a magnificent kiss that rekindled the fire that he had started inside of me when we had our first kiss in that library oh so long ago.

I felt alive again, my body was awakening and even as the cold rain fell on me, I was hot all over. My heart was beating fast and I brought my hands up and curled my fingers through his damp hair, thanking God that I was in his arms again, safely away form the hell that I been in.

His lips left mine and he kissed me on each cheek and then my nose, before he looked me dead in the eye and asked,

"What were you thinking doing something like that? Do you have any idea how foolish it is?"

My eyes fell and nodded, knowing that he was exactly right.

"Sarah, look at me." He lifted my chin up and stared me straight in the eye, "What's happened to you? You look like you haven't slept in days, you've lost weight, and there's something else…something different." He stood back and let his eyes look me over, "Sarah, tell me what happened."

"It was horrible…" I began, telling him the way Nan had treated me and how much I had missed him. I told him about Aunt Isabel and how harsh and cruel she had been and just as I began to tell him about how ill I had been, my body turned against me. I fled back to the railing and began throwing up violently over the side of the ship.

"Sarah!"

Harry was at my side in an instant and stayed there patting my back and holding my lose hair back for me. When I was done, I lifted my head back up, anger filling me quickly,

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" I screamed, hearing hysteria in my voice.

He heard it as well and reached for me, pulling me close him, trying his best to give me comfort. I buried my head in his shoulder,

"It's getting worse and worse." I whispered.

He shushed me, rocking me back and forth, pushing the hysterics far away. I closed my eyes and let him do so, I felt like a child; small and frail, needing to be saved from the harsh world around her.

"Come on, let's get you inside." He said pulling away, but still keeping his arms around me.

"I don't want to go back." I told him, but not able to resist the direction he was taking me.

"I'll take you to my room, come on."

And he did just that. It was a nice room, much larger than the one he had had on the Titanic, but then again he was not a ship's officer this time. To my surprise, it was not even 10 doors away from my own room. It was a bittersweet thought to think that all of this time we had been so close and not known it.

He sat me down on the bed and turned on a nearby lamp. That was when he got a good look at me. He stared at my sallow face and dull eyes and looked at me shocked,

"I'm getting you a doctor."

"No!" I reached for his hand and pulled him back to me, "Don't leave me!"

It was utterly absurd, but I was afraid that if he walked out that door I would lose him again, but he leaned down and kissed my hand,

"I'll be back, I promise."

I saw the reassurance in his eyes and released the grip I had on him and nodded. He gave me a handsome smile and kissed me one final time before leaving the room. He returned a few minutes later with an older man, who wore a black suit and carried a brown leather bag with him.

"So, this is my patient." He said with a smile and I nodded back suddenly feeling nervous. However he gave me a reassuring look and turned to Harry, "Would you mind waiting outside?" he asked him.

Harry looked over at me to make sure that I was all right with the idea. I looked from him to the doctor, decided that I would be okay, turned back to Harry, and nodded. He nodded back and gave me one final loving look before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

"Sarah, I'm Walter Banning, I'm the ship's doctor." He said kindly and sat down next to me on the bed, "Now, I hear that you haven't been feeling well," he opened his bag and fished around in it for a moment before pulling out a stethoscope, "Can you tell me about it?" he asked, putting the tips of the instrument in his ears.

I told him about how I had been feeling, the nausea, and even the fainting. He nodded and listened with intent to everything that I had to say.

"How long has this been happening?" he asked pressing the stethoscope to my heart and I waited for him to finish before answering him.

"A week, maybe a week and a half."

He pulled the instrument out of his ears and put it back into the bag, "Have you been eating?"

"When I'm not feeling ill, I do."

Nodding, he pressed his palm to my forehead then pulled it away, "Well your heart sounds good and you don't have any trace of a fever. Your breathing pattern is fine, so I think we can rule out the flu…how long have you and your husband been married?"

Feeling slightly embarrassed I told him that Harry was not my husband.

He sighed, his forehead wrinkling as he did so. That body language alone told me that he was just as suspicious as I had been.

"Ah, well then you might not like what I'm about to ask you. Has your relationship with him or any other man for that matter…not to say that you look like that kind of girl…progressed to a physical stage?"

Now, even more embarrassed, I simply nodded.

He nodded in a knowing way that gave me goose bumps. My heart began pounding hard as he asked me lie back on the bed. I took a breath before I did so, trying my best to appear calm and relaxed, but even then, my body was still ridged as I lay down and let him press his hand into the lower part of my now fluttering stomach.

"All right, Sarah, you may get up now."

I quickly scooted myself up to a sitting position, with my back against the headboard of the bed. He sat down next to me and looked at me with a serious and fixed expression,

"Now Sarah, this is very important. You have to be completely honest with me, do you understand?"

"Yes." I replied with a nod.

"When was your last menstrual flow?"

I swallowed back, trying desperately to remember when it had been. It was wrong, but I had never paid attention to it before. It was always a nuisance and I always tried my best to ignore it. So much had happened over the past month that I had not been paying much attention at all, and it was because of that that I could not tell the doctor when it had been.

"You really don't remember?"

I shook my head, "I'm sorry, I don't."

"Try to; has it been more than say, six weeks?"

I shook my head, "I'm sorry I just can't remember."

His face went soft and he took my hand into his, "Sarah, I don't want to alarm you, but there is a very strong possibility that you could be with child."

My head fell when I realized that deep down in my heart I had suspected the same thing. I felt so foolish for letting this happen. I was seventeen, unmarried and having a baby. Why hadn't I thought of this before when I could have prevented it? Harry loved me and I loved him, there was no doubt about that in my mind, but this was the first time I realized how powerful that love between us was. Not only had it changed me physically, caused turmoil in my family and begat so much upset, but it had also created another life.

I clasped my hands together and pressed them to my middle. I closed my eyes and willed an apology to my unborn child for everything that I had put them through, in particular, tonight. I did not know how to feel about this news, I knew I should be happy, and a part of me was, but there was another part that was worried…very worried.

I looked up and straight into the doctor's eyes, "Are you certain that I am."

He hesitated for a moment and then nodded, "I am, you have all the symptoms."

I nodded, "Right, can you ask him to come back in, please?" I asked in a frighteningly calm voice.

He rose from his place beside me and nodded. He went to the door and opened it, inviting Harry back inside and then excusing himself, taking his bag with him. As soon as the door was shut Harry, whose hands were stuffed in his pockets and wore a worried expression on his face, asked what had happened.

"Are you all right."

I nodded, "Yes, I'm fine."

He gave me a look that reminded me of the one George gives me when I am lying and I shrugged back, realizing that I could not fool him.

"What did he say, Sarah?"

I looked up at him and paused, not sure how to present this life altering news to him. His dark eyes were serious and sincere and offered me every bit of the comfort and love that I desired and I suddenly found myself studying him meticulously from head to toe. From the eyes, that I could not get enough of, to his perfectly chiseled face and soft and lovely lips.

"Sarah, are you going to talk to me?"

My head fell back down, I could not do it. I called myself a coward as Harry to a seat next to me and said my name is his soft accent that made my heart skip a beat. It was now or never…

"I'm going to have a baby."

Silence followed. I do not even think either one of us breathed, I know I did not, and I could not even find the nerve to look at him to see if he was. My looked down and saw that my hands were shaking and I cupped them together, willing them to stop. Suddenly though, I was drawn back to my lower stomach, back to the womb where I knew my baby was growing. I placed a protective unsteady hand over it and prayed. Not that I had any right to pray, but it could not hurt to try. Then to my surprise, I felt Harry's hand on top of mine and I opened my eyes to see him leaning in next to me and kissing me softly.

"A baby?" he asked, when we parted. His voice was a soft whisper and I found myself returning with the same tone when I answered him,

"A baby."

His face burst into a gentle grin and he wrapped his around me and embraced me tightly.


	56. Til the End of Time

**Oh it took me forever to post this because the website was being DUMB...again. So sorry about the delay : )**

**A/N Well I know I said that this was going to be the last chapter in Part I, but I once again over did it (surprised? LoL) and so the NEXT chapter will be the last in Part I. Speaking of this chapter, it's long, and in my opinion, kind of boring. But Tipper and Kate (who I once again owe and big thank you to)both told me that it was great so I'm going to put my faith in them : )**

**Thanks again for all of your reviews, I love you all for them! (btw Afterglow, thank you for your honesty ;) I'll try to do better next time).**

Chapter 56

_Harry-_

An hour later, I sat on the bed, with my back against the headboard and Sarah nestled in my arms, breathing in her sweet fragrance and running my fingers through her soft hair. I loved combing my fingers through it and then letting the long strands fall through my hands like silk.

She sighed softly as I did this, her eyes closed and her hand rested over her stomach. I do not think it had left that spot since she had told me about the baby. She felt bad, horrible really. She knew what she had almost done tonight and the thought of her not only taking her own life but that of our unborn child's had sent her into a high level of guilt.

Right after she told me about the baby, and the happy glow had dimmed slightly she apologized to me for what she had tried to do. I could not forgive her though, there was nothing to forgive. After hearing what she had lived through and what her family had done to her, I was surprised that she had made it as far as she had. Yet, I still was thanking God that I had been there and been able to stop her from doing anything drastic. I knew very well that I easily could have been somewhere else and had no idea that she was about to do, but that voice that had plagued me since the we were separated forced me to go out on the deck. I did not object, I had run into the dog woman again today and she went on about that girl again and how I should dine with them at dinner, so the voice's suggestion was not something I argued with. And as I held Sarah in my arms, I was so relieved that I hadn't.

"Sarah?"

"Hm?" she answered. Her eyes were closed as she leaned up against me, but I knew she was not sleeping.

"Are you all right?" I asked, leaning over her.

She opened her eyes and looked up at me, "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, and then sat up and turned around to face me, "Why, do you not believe me?"

"I believe you, I just worry about you."

"You have no idea how much I love hearing that." She replied and leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. I cupped her head in my hand as we kissed, her long hair still pouring through my fingers. I loved it so much that I did not bother to pull away when she broke the kiss,

"I was so afraid that I would never see you again and it hurt so because there was nothing that I wanted more. Every day that we were apart seemed endless and every night was full of nightmares…promise me," she pleaded, "that will never happen again."

I brushed my thumb across her face, glad to feel her soft skin beneath it, "There isn't anyone in the world that could keep me away." I moved closer to her, "I promise…no, I swear on everything that has any meaning to me, that it will never happen again."

A gentle smile appeared on her sad face, but she pressed on with her words, "I want you to make me another promise."

"Anything."

Her eyes became more serious then and she was trembling as she began to speak, "Promise me that you'll never keep anything from me, no matter how horrible it is or how much it could hurt."

I averted my eyes when I felt them begin to narrow with frustration.

"I know that it is a strange thing, but I cannot stand the thought of anyone else I love lying to me. It hurts far too much; I wouldn't wish it upon anyone…even Cal."

I turned back to her, trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing by saying this, "I could never do that to you."

She smiled and wrapped her arms around me tightly just as there was gentle rapping on the door. We pulled away from one another and Sarah readjusted herself on the bed, sitting up primly while I got up to answer the door,

"Harold, there you are!" the dog woman announced while I shuddered, "We must have missed one another at dinner, I just wanted to come by and say-"her eyes suddenly fixed themselves through my open door and over to where Sarah was sitting on the bed. I looked back and saw that Sarah's face had gone white as if she had just seen some vicious sea monster rise from the ocean.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" the woman roared so loudly the captain must have heard.

Sarah struggled to speak, "Aunt Isabel, I-"

"THIS is your Aunt?" I stammered. I turned back to the woman, "You're her Aunt?"

"Unfortunately." She told me, "What has she done to you to con her way into your room? Something immoral I imagine, excuse me-"she began to push her way through me and the door but I blocked her with my arm.

She looked up at me puzzled, "Harold, kindly remove your hand so that I might apprehend my niece."

"She's staying here!" I fired back, "And if you dare come into this room, I swear I'll throw you back out!"

"What lies has she fed you?" she demanded and then scoffed, "This girl has more than her share of problems, she's had an affair with an older man, a sailor no less-"

"I'm not a sailor; I'm a White Star Line officer!"

"I wasn't-"she cut herself off and her eyes became dark as she looked at me, "What did you just say?"

A light rapping on the door turned my attention away from Sarah and her aunt towards the door where I saw Lights standing. He did not see either one of them and looked straight at me, "Harry, I'm glad you're here, I need to talk to you-"he cut himself off when he saw that I had company.

Sarah's aunt saw Lights standing there and her eyes narrowed in suspicion,

"What are you doing here?"

Suddenly Sarah rose from her place on the bed and strolled over to Lights; she took him by the hand and pulled him into the room, "Aunt Isabel, I don't believe you've been introduced to Mr. Lightoller. You remember him don't you; he was at Rose's memorial service?"

Isabel's face went completely white, "Mr….Lightoller?"

"Yes, Charles Lightoller." Lights said offering his hand, but she did not take it, she just looked over at me,

"And you are?"

"Harold Lowe." I told her through clenched teeth.

She just stared in silence at me, which seemed to present some opportunity to Sarah because she was suddenly all smiles,

"Yes, and Mr. Lightoller, this is my Aunt Isabel, she lives in Russia." She told Lights matter-of-factly.

Lights nodded and seemed to be going along with Sarah's game, "Ah yes, I think I remember you mentioning her. You know this does explain quite a bit…it seems that some Russian fellow has been following me around the ship since before dinner…" he stared at Isabel, "…you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"What is going on here?" I demanded before Isabel could answer.

Lights and Sarah looked over at me with amused expressions.

"May I tell him?" Lights asked her. She nodded and Lights left her side and came over to mine. He put his arm around my shoulder,

"You see Harry, this is Aunt Isabel, and she is Sarah's aunt and is taking her to Russia with her and husband…the one that has been following me. Why was he following me, you ask. Oh a very good question…it seems that dear Auntie here thought that I was YOU." He smiled, "Oh yes, I had a good laugh about it myself, that is after I figured it out.

"Today when we saw Auntie and her dog on the deck I had no idea who she was, but obviously she remembered me, and decided it was best to sick her husband on me. I did not put all of the pieces together until dinner. That is when I realized who the woman was and that Sarah must be on this ship, and I came here to tell you, and all the while, I have been followed. In fact I am sure he is waiting just outside of this door for me…" he turned to Isabel, "Would you mind telling him to heel, or at least sick him on the right man this time?"

Dumbfounded I looked over at Sarah who smiled at me, "You knew about all of this?" I asked.

"I knew that she thought Mr. Lightoller was you." She replied.

Meanwhile Isabel looked as if she had just been hit with a bolt of lightning; her eyes were wide and her face had gone pale. I wanted to punish her even more though, especially after the way she had treated Sarah and-

"Mr. Lowe?"

The three of us turned to the door to see who was there and saw the doctor standing there.

"Ah, Sarah, you're still here. I brought this for you," he said coming into the room and handing her a small bottle, "You had mentioned that you had trouble sleeping…" Sarah took the bottle and looked over at me with worry in her eyes. "…take a spoonful an hour or so before you plan to go to bed and it should help. Don't worry I don't think it will affect-"

He stopped suddenly, realizing and seeing that there were other people in the room.

"Affect? Affect what?" Isabel asked, all ready suspicious.

Sarah and I exchanged anxious and concerned expressions. Isabel saw it and I watched as the flames lit up her eyes. She moved towards the doctor very quickly and tore his eyes off of Sarah,

"Affect what, Doctor?" she challenged.

The doctor looked over at me, "Mr. Lowe-"

"No, don't look at him, LOOK AT ME!" she said moving in front of him, "That girl is my responsibility and I demand that you tell me what is wrong with her."

"Madame, I'm sorry I can't do that."

"Why, because HE said so?" she said flinging her finger in my direction, "Let me tell you something, my husband is a Russian Duke! He has more money in his wallet than you will ever make in a lifetime and-"

"MADAME, no amount of screaming or money is going to make me tell you this girl's private medical business. So I would appreciate it if you would stop screaming at me and-"

"STOP SCREAMING? I will stop screaming when I am good and ready!"

Suddenly she was in front of my face, "You listen here, MR. LOWE, I intend to see that you are severely punished for what you have done to my niece. She was an innocent young girl until you got your filthy hands on her and now she's probably scarred for life, carrying around a social disease that you picked up at some seedy port town and so graciously bestowed upon her!"

My fists and teeth were clenched in fury, never in my life had a woman made me so enraged, I opened my mouth to tell her so, but stopped abruptly when Sarah suddenly moved between her aunt and I,

"That's enough." She said in a calm voice.

"GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU UNGRATEFUL-"

"I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!" Sarah screamed, her face was red and the tension inside of her was unmistakable. I had never seen her like this before and frankly, it frightened me and she showed no intention of stopping,

"Leave him alone, he has done nothing to you! There's no reason to be angry at him when he has done nothing but love me!"

"DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!"

"THEN DON'T SPEAK TO HIM LIKE THAT!"

"HE'S NO GOOD FOR YOU!"

"HE'S THE FATHER OF MY BABY!"

I do not think Sarah had meant to say that, in fact I am sure she had not, because as soon as those words slipped out of her mouth she let out a gasp and her eyes became very large. Not as large as Isabel's though, whose eyes were so wide she was beginning to resemble an owl. Sarah scooted back towards me and I placed a protective arm around her. There was no way I was going to let this woman touch her, or anyone else for that matter.

"Your…what?"

"My baby." Sarah answered in a much more subdued voice.

"Baby?"

Sarah was silent, so I answered, "Yes, our baby."

Isabel grimaced at the sound of my words, "I cannot believe this. If my sister thinks I am going to take you in now, she is far more ignorant that I could have ever perceived. There is no way on God's green earth that I will ever let you into my house carrying some sailor's bastard!"

"It's a not a bastard!" I defended, both Sarah and my child.

"What would you call it then?" she asked with a laugh.

I was not sure how to answer the question, but all she could see was the hesitation and attacked me with it,

"I knew it." she scoffed, "You don't want this child. All you wanted was the thrill of knowing you demoralized this girl-"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

"Isn't it? Prove it then, to both me and yourself and even to Sarah…marry her."

"Marry her?"

It was not that I did not want to, God knows I had been aching to do it since the day I met her, but the fact that a member of her family had suggested it was what shocked me, but yet again, that was not what Isabel saw. She laughed, thinking that the idea appalled me,

"Yes, that's exactly what we'll do. Tomorrow morning, I'll find the ships chaplain and have him marry you two, what do you think of that?"

Sarah turned back and looked at me and all I could do was give her a half smile and then turn back to Isabel and nod,

"Sounds good to me." I said sounding as emotionless as I could.

"Good." She answered with an equally impassive voice. She then reached out and grabbed Sarah's arm, "Now, its bad luck for the bride and groom to be together the night before wedding." she said in a contemptuous tone and did not even give Sarah and me the chance to say good-bye to one another before she dragged her out the room and slammed the door behind her.

* * *

_May 16, 1912_

_Sarah- _

Aunt Isabel's anger towards me didn't diminish over the next 12 hours. She stomped around the suite slamming doors for the rest of the night and most of the next morning. Uncle Serge and I had the same idea about how to avoid her and stayed in our rooms, keeping to ourselves.

However, the solitude was welcome, giving me the opportunity to absorb everything that had happened that night. I was up until midnight scolding myself for what I had nearly done. Harry had told me not to dwell on it, but my mind couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I had. But then my thoughts began to take on a much more optimistic light and it suddenly hit me that Harry and I were getting married. And it was that thought and that thought alone that made me fall into a peaceful sleep, where I could feel myself smiling all through the night.

When I woke up the next morning I was welcomed with beautiful yellow rays of sunshine coming in through my open window, followed with a refreshing sea breeze. There was no trace of the storm from the night before and I threw the blankets off of me, deciding I wasn't going to let anything ruin this perfect day.

I went into the bathroom and splashed my face with warm water and then returned to my bedroom to find something to wear. I had just opened a trunk when Aunt Isabel came into the room, without warning, shutting the door behind her.

"Sit." She ordered, pointing to the bed. I did it, the only reason being that I just didn't feel like arguing with her today.

"I've sent a wire to Hailey, informing her of what might happen today."

"It will happen." I told her defiantly.

She laughed, puffing air up through her nose in the process, "I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you."

"Why not? He told you himself that he was going to marry me."

"Do you expect me to trust the word of a man who clearly has no respect for morals and-"

"Aunt Isabel, if you're going to continue your flood insults on my future husband, I suggest that you do it elsewhere as I am in no mood to hear it. This is my wedding day and I have every intention of making it as perfect as possible, is that clear?"

My rational words were a shock to us both, but it gave me pleasure in knowing that I now had the upper hand in the conversation.

"Clear? The only thing I can see clearly is the fact that this is a mistake."

I rose from the bed and went towards her, "How can you say that? Both you and I are getting exactly what we want. Neither one of us wanted me to come to Russia and now I'm not."

Aunt Isabel fell silent. She looked away from me and moved over to the sofa on the opposite side of the room and perched herself on it.

"Why did you have to do things this way though, Sarah? You realize that you're only making your life more difficult. Marriage is no fairy tale, it takes hard work and dedication and I just don't think that you're old enough to understand that. And then to add to it, there's a child to think of now. You're doing thing the same way your parents did, and look how that turned out for them."

"Aunt Isabel, they're dead I hardly think that-"

"That's not what I mean." She took a breath, "I meant that they were forced to leave their home and had little or no contact with their families. Is that what you want? Your grandmother and even your grandfather and brother not to know your child?"

"Of course that's not what I want."

"Then why did you let this happen when you knew what the consequences could be?"

"I didn't plan this and even if I had, Nan would still be at fault. No matter what had happened she would never have approved of Harry, and I could kick myself for believing that in the beginning, but I know the truth now.

"Aren't you? It seems to me that you have followed the same exact path that they did; having intimate relations before marriage, and getting married because of your delicate condition."

"All right there are some similarities, but Harry and I didn't hurt anyone by falling in love."

"Sarah," she rose from her seat, "For one moment will you stop thinking of yourself. You're going to be a mother, do you understand me? When you're a mother you can't be selfish and that was something your mother never learned.

"She was always like that, before George was born, after George was born, all the way through to when it came time to have you."

My eyebrows rose in question towards her.

"What, did you forget that you were born in my home? I was there, Sarah. I was there the moment that you took your first breath in this world, uttered your first cry and I was there when your mother slipped out of this world."

"You sound like Aunt Ruth." I replied, referring to the obvious contempt in her voice.

"Despite what you make think there is some truth to Ruth's prattle. Your mother hurt her deeply, there is not denying that, but Corynn never felt any remorse for it. She knew she was dying and begged your father not to let Ruth anywhere near you or George. She didn't bother to extend an apology or tell your father to make amends."

"I'm not like her, I haven't hurt anyone."

"What about your grandmother?"

"Do you have any idea what she did to me?" I fired back, angry that she would even think such a thing.

"And do you have any idea what you did to her? She had such high hopes for you! She loved you and cared for you and gave you everything, but you turned around and slapped her in the face when you let that man take advantage of you!"

"That's not the way it happened!"

"Sarah, people never want an explanation, all they care about is the fact that it happened. And all they will hear is that a seventeen year old girl and a thirty year old-"

"He's not thirty."

"He's close enough. Sarah, that's all they'll care about and that's why I'm telling you not to expect sunshine and roses today." She rose from her spot on the sofa and went to the door, "He's a grown man and you're going to be lucky if he even shows up to tell you he won't marry you." She then paused and looked at me with eyes that were so much like my grandmothers. I stared back, holding my ground, not allowing myself to be weakened by her.

"Things could have been much different for you…you know that don't you?"

I didn't answer her and she shook her head and turned away from me, opening the door,

"The chaplain said to meet him in the chapel at noon. Find something to wear…something appropriate." She and then went out the door and shutting it securely behind her. I sunk down on my bed clutching the post as I did so taking in everything that she had just said to me.

As much as I hated to admit it, she had been right about one thing. I had been selfish. Not in a way I ever would have noticed alone, though. Nan had raised me to have respect for myself and others and I basically thrown her teachings into the mud by doing what I had. I couldn't say that I regretted it though, especially when I knew that that simple act had created a life.

Something inside of me told me that of the two times that it had happened, it was the first; the night on the Titanic, that our child was conceived. I could remember clearly that next morning on the Carpathia feeling an odd sensation when Madeline Astor had sat down next to me and I saw her swollen middle. I should have put the pieces together then, but with everything that had happened even I could understand why I hadn't.

And so as much as I wanted to blame Cal for mine and Harry's secret coming out in the open, I realized that it would have come out eventually. Morally, it was wrong for us to do what we did, but in the end it seemed that this baby was the very thing that was bringing us back together.

I put my arms around my middle and hugged it tenderly suddenly filled with the knowledge and excitement that today I was going to become Harry's wife, never having to worry about being separated from him again.


	57. I Love You, Always

**So this chapter took forever to post and I AM SOOOO SORRY (seriously I am, it was killing me, I live for those reviews :)) Since this is the last chapter in Part I, I wanted it to be PERFECT so I was very nit picky about every little detail. Tipper and Kate were there for me once again and I thank them both. Your reviews were as wonderful as always and I hope that you guys enjoy this chapter. **

**Part II will be started within the week (at least I hope) and lastly the end of this chapter is well...ahem...a little BAD, again nothing that deserves an 'M' rating, but I just wanted to warn you ahead of time. **

**Happy reading and as always R/R (like I said, I live for reviews lol) **

Chapter 57

_May 16, 1912_

_Harry-_

I let out a long exhale as I looked at myself in the mirror, amazed at the reflection that stared back at me. A strong and sturdy man stood before me, sure of himself and his position. His demeanor was confident, right down to the steadiness of his hands as he adjusted the gray tie that fell down his chest. It, however, was a far cry from what was happening on the inside.

I was nervous, I don't know why, I don't how, I just was. That alone was enough to confuse me, but the way it had hit me so suddenly was another mystery entirely. Lying in bed last night the thought hit me that exactly twenty-four hours from that moment, Sarah would be with me. That was when it started, just seconds after the thought had finished in my head the apprehension slammed into me like a locomotive.

She was going to be my wife and I was going to be her husband; the person who is supposed to take care of her, put a roof over her head, food on the table. I had never taken care of anyone before; I'd never even had a pet. It had always been me; free and independent from everyone else, but not anymore. I had eluded heavy responsibility for most of my life and now suddenly I had wife…and then another thought came to me…and a child. If it was at all possible, I began to feel even more apprehension after that.

Usually a man has time to adjust to things like this; first, he meets the woman, they court, they become engaged, they marry. That was at least two years right there, then maybe a year or so after marriage the children would come. That certainly wasn't the way that things were happening for me, instead of two years, I had two hours to prepare for my wedding, and instead of a year of marriage before children, it would be somewhere along the line of eight to nine months.

Then a much more frightening thought came to me…my family. In particular, my parents. It was safe to assume that they would be shocked by the fact that I managed to find a girl, marry her, and put in a family way, all within a little over a month. My mother would point out that she did not raise me to be just another hooligan, and then my father would agree and persist with a compilation of every bad decision that I had ever made in my life. They loved me, but they weren't above showing their disappointment in something when the time was right.

Then there was there was old reliable. Something I could always count on to be there to torment me…Rose. Starting my marriage off with a lie, it couldn't get much worse than that. Sarah would hate me if she ever found out that I had lied to her about that. All I could do was pray that she didn't and so far it had worked…so far….

So it was due to these thoughts, along with many others, that I was kept awake all night, unable to sleep and even now, within just hours of the time Sarah's aunt had told me to meet them in chapel, I was still struggling with all of it.

I undid my tie and then redid it again, then straightened the waistcoat of the gray pin striped suit that I was wearing. The jacket was flung over a nearby chair, but I had decided not to put it on until I was ready to leave.

A knock on the door pulled me away from the mirror that I had been standing in front of and, thankful for the interruption, I went to over and opened it.

"There's the blushing groom!" Lights replied when he saw me.

I shook my head, not in the mood for jokes and pushed the door open for him. I went back over the mirror and began to tug at the tie again, which was now starting to feel constricting.

Lights stepped into the room and shut the door behind him, looking at me raised eyebrows,

"Nervous?" he asked, stating the obvious.

"Do you really have to ask?" I asked, turning to him.

He laughed, "I suppose I don't." he sat down on the chair that my jacket was on.

"You know Harry, there's nothing wrong with being nervous, especially when you're in the position that you are. You had quite a night last night."

I nodded, that I had.

He scratched his chin thoughtfully looking as though he was making a big decision in his mind. I turned and leaned up against my dresser, crossing my arms over my chest,

"What?"

He took a deep breath, "I should have said something, but I didn't, simply because I didn't know if it was true or not."

"What?" I asked again.

He clicked his tongue quietly against the top of his mouth and paused, "I suspected that Sarah was…um with child…when I saw her last week."

"What? Why didn't you say anything?" I asked, my shock noticeable.

"I had no way of knowing for sure and I didn't think it would be fair to you if I told you that she was, when she really wasn't."

"You could have at least informed of your suspicions."

He nodded, "You're right, I should have, but frankly I think the mess you two had gotten yourselves into was large enough without adding another problem onto it." he rose from his seat, "It's not like it would have made a bit of difference anyway. You two found one another and you're getting married, what more could you want?"

I scoffed, "My sanity." I muttered.

He heard me loud and clear though and laughed, "That, my boy, is not something you're going to find in marriage."

I laughed too, unable to keep a straight face after a comment like that.

After we calmed down he came over and put his hand on my shoulder, "In all honesty, you have got nothing to worry yourself about. Sarah is a fine young lady; she has a good head on her shoulders, and she clearly cares about you."

"That's not what I'm worried about." I replied, shaking my head.

"Then what is it? You're not worried about the wedding night are you?" he quipped with a grin.

"No." I replied, hiding my amusement.

"Because if that is the issue, I'll give you the birds and the bee's discussion. Granted I'm not very well rehearsed, but I'll give it my best shot-"

"No, that's all right…really." I said, speaking up before he started to divulge in information I would rather not hear from him.

He smiled, "All right, I guess I'll just have to keep it on the backburner until my sons are old enough.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Lights. Last night I was so sure of everything…now…now I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing." I shook my head, "I've got nothing to offer her."

"Now that isn't true. You have a job, incidentally a very good job. You're sensible and mature and there's no reason at all that you should be thinking otherwise."

"I can't give her the life that she's used to." I replied, realizing the fact only as I was saying it.

"If things like that were important to her, you would know it. She's fought just as hard to be with you as you have to be with her and I highly doubt that something as mediocre as how much money you had or didn't have would pull her away."

I heard what he said and it made sense to me, but there was still so much more, so many other questions I needed answers for that they couldn't help but spill out of me,

"And what about our families? What will hers think when they find out she married me? And what will mine think when they find out why we had to marry like this and-"

"Harry, when did you start caring about what others thought?" he asked in a simple, plain tone that made me stop with my questions and ponder the answer.

He was right, usually this kind of thing just slid off my back. I didn't give a damn what others thought and there was no point in my starting to now. There were really only two people that mattered right now and two people only…Sarah and our child.

Lights could see the revelation in my face and smiled, patting me on the back, "There see, all you needed was a little push in the right direction. In time everything will work itself out."

I nodded, "Yes, you're right."

"Of course I am, now is there anything else?"

I thought about telling him about Rose, but decided against it. I didn't need to make the situation even more complicated than it did all ready was. I shook my head,

"No…" then quickly I added, "Thank you."

Accepting my gratitude, he smiled, "Don't mention it. I'll leave you to get ready now." He said and started for the door.

"Wait." I said, stopping him.

He turned around, "What?"

"Will…will you be my best man?"

He smiled, "Well I was planning on it anyway, but since you asked…of course. What time should I meet you down there?"

"Noon." I told him.

"Ship's chapel, right?"

I nodded.

"I'll be there."

* * *

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

_Sarah-_

The sun filtered through the small porthole of my stateroom bringing in a brightness I very much needed to see right now. I sighed as I neared it to look out over the bluish gray waters of the Atlantic on this, my wedding day. I absentmindedly took the pendent from my necklace into my fingers and moved it back and forth across the chain as I my mind began to swim with thoughts.

This really was my wedding day….MY wedding day…the day I had always dreamed of. Only this wasn't exactly the way I had pictured this day to be. I was marrying the man that I loved, and there was no doubt in my mind that I did love Harry, what I struggled with was the thought of how skewed the natural order of things had become for us. Love was supposed to come first, then a proposal, then an engagement followed by marriage and then children. Somewhere towards the end of that plan we had gotten lost, for I was pregnant now, and had been for several weeks, before marriage was anymore than an aspiration we both shared.

My body seemed to have no intention of letting me forget that fact either. All together I had been sick five different times that morning and coincidentally it had started immediately after Aunt Isabel had come in earlier to give me her lecture.

I had tried to her ignore her, really I had. I positively knew that what she had said about Harry wasn't true, but her words about my selfishness and hints at my lack of maturity disturbed me. It brought back flashes of that afternoon at the Waldorf and Harry's disappointed face when my immaturity had shone its ugly side. I felt as if I let Harry down then and according to Aunt Isabel, it was inevitable that it would happen again.

A knock on the door pulled me away from my window where I had become so honest with myself and brought Anya into the room. I assumed Aunt Isabel had sent her, after all the time of the ceremony was only an hour away and coming upon me very quickly. I followed Anya's silent order as she ushered me into the stool of my vanity and proceeded to brush out my hair, rather roughly I might add, and swoop it up into an elegant ribbon band that matched the dress I had chosen to wear that day. She then plucked a few strands of hair out and curled them, letting them fall gracefully down and reminding me of the way I had worn my hair the last night on Titanic.

After my hair was done Anya helped me dress in the rose-colored gown that I had chosen to wear that day. It was made of silk, with the inset and sleeve trim done in beautiful ivory lace. Under the split overskirt, which stopped just under my knee, the longer ivory satin underskirt shown, trimmed in an embroidered floral design. I watched in the mirror as Anya wrapped a bright pink sash around me, just under my breast, completing the outfit while at the same time dashing away any apprehension that I had about what I was wearing. I could not help but be vain and think that I looked quite pretty all dressed up the way I was. Still, lovely as it was, it was no wedding dress. Still, even if it was not a white dress and I wore no veil, there was sparkle in my eye that labeled me a bride, and I decided that was more than enough for me.

After I had been topped off with a string of pearls and matching earrings dangling from my lobes, I slipped a drawstring handbag onto my wrist, took a breath, and with all my bravery, opened my bedroom door and went into the sitting room.

Both Aunt Isabel and Uncle Serge were waiting for me. Aunt Isabel, wearing a garish green suit trimmed in black fur was holding Mishka in her arms and eyed me scrupulously when I entered;

"Well, you look lovely, not that you deserve to, but at least you aren't wearing white," she turned to Uncle Serge and leaned over, "Though I wouldn't be surprised if she did." She said in low whisper, but made sure it was loud enough for me to hear.

"Sarah," she said turning back to me, "I hope our conversation earlier opened your eyes to what is happening today."

"Yea ma'am, it has." Answering with the truth, but indulging it slightly to make her feel more superior.

She nodded, "Good, because this is not some flippant decision that I have made for your happiness. I did it for your soul, both yours and Mr. Lowe's, but most of all I did this for your child. Though I am only distantly related to it, I feel that I must do my best to spare it from any harsh words that the world may utter about such a child conceived out of wedlock.

"You need to right the wrong that you have done and this is only the first step. It will be your responsibility to make sure that this child, who is a product of a sin, grows up to be a mature and religious per-"

"Isabel, I think that's enough." Uncle Serge interrupted, to my great relief.

Aunt Isabel whirled on him, "I just want the best for her child."

"I think Sarah will manage, now let's go, we're going to be late." He said, his voice stiff and agitated.

Aunt Isabel looked back at me and reluctantly nodded, "Yes, it is time…." She motioned to one of the maids who was standing nearby and handed Mishka to her. She then turned to Uncle Serge and then to me,

"Let's be off then."

Aunt Isabel, being the one to take the charge in any situation, led Uncle Serge and I to the chapel, which was located just off the first class dining room. The windows that we followed along the corridor showed me that the peaceful sky I had seen earlier was now brighter and more blue than before, and it renewed my confidence in what I was doing.

When we arrived in the chapel area, Uncle Serge opened the door for Aunt Isabel and I used the opportunity of having me alone for a split second to say,

"I do wonder if Mr. Lowe has decided to grace us with his presence."

I glared at her and started to fire back, when something else did it for me; Harry himself who was sitting in the front row of chairs next to Mr. Lightoller. I smiled to myself and threw a look to Aunt Isabel, who looked positively shocked to see him there.

The door closing alerted Harry to our presence and he stood up, turning around to meet us as we walked towards him. He looked very handsome, dressed in a gray suit and his hair neatly combed. He smiled at me our gazes locked for a moment before Aunt Isabel cut in front of me,

"So you've decided to the responsible thing after all?"she asked him.

"Of course I have, your Imperial Highness, why else would I be here?" he quipped and then winked at me.

I smiled and thought I saw Uncle Serge nearly do the same, luckily Mr. Lightoller broke in and asked where the chaplain was before Aunt Isabel could give any of it a second thought.

"He said he may be a little late." Uncle Serge informed, but a little late was an understatement. It was a full half an hour later before he showed up, which allowed plenty of time for emotions and tensions to stir between the five of us.

It also gave me plenty of time to think about how much my life had changed over the course of a month. The external changes had happened swiftly and without warning, but I seemed to have gone unscathed by them, after all, I did not look any different, but internally my struggle was apparent. My mind was a mess of thoughts, feelings and apprehension. Because of the baby growing inside of me, I was listless, nauseous and even sore and on top of that, there were those pre-wedding jitters I had heard women speak for so many years. Together they all created an amalgam of feelings that did not compliment one another and I hoped that by getting married that some of them would fade away.

Never was I more relieved to see someone than when the chaplain made his entrance.

"This must be the wedding party." He announced upon seeing all of us.

Uncle Serge stood and offered his hand, "Yes, this is the bride, my niece, Sarah Wilkes," he said gesturing towards me after they had shook hands, "and this is the groom, Harold Lowe."

He shifted a pile of papers he carried from one hand to the next and shook hands with both Harry and myself,

"I have some papers that you both need to fill out." He said moving towards a nearby table and scattering the papers he carried on it. Both Harry and I took a pen, filled in the appropriate lines, and handed them back to the chaplain.

He twisted the lids back on them and smiled, "Now that that's over with, will you two follow me and we'll begin the ceremony."

Those words sent my heart beat racing and I looked over at Harry taking in a deep breath as I looked for reassurance in his eyes, which I found and smiled warmly back at him. It all happened rather quickly but before I knew it, Harry and I standing side by side in front of the chaplain, who now held and opened bible in his hand and began to speak.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…"

It was strange to think that words I had heard so many times over the years and thought very little of, could suddenly hold such significance. I listened intently to every word the chaplain said and repeated the vows of loving, honoring and obeying with the strongest parts of my heart and mind.

Then came time for the ring. I began to panic, knowing I did not have a ring to give Harry, nor did he have one to give me, but Harry's face was calm and from beside him Mr. Lightoller stepped up and placed a beautiful diamond ring on the chaplain's bible. I looked up at Harry, amazed that he could afford such a thing. It was only when he began to slip the ring on my finger did I realize how familiar it was and then it came to me. It was Grandmother Wilkes' ring, the same one my grandfather had given to her.

_How?_

I wasn't given time to question him though and soon the ring was on my finger and I was hearing,

"By the power invested in me by the laws of the sea, I now pronounce you man and wife."

Man and wife…oh my, this was it. After all that we had been through, which had seemed so much only moments and now seemed so little, it now came down to this.

"You may now kiss the bride."

Harry, who I envied for being so calm throughout this whole ordeal, began to lean towards me with that handsome smile still resting on his lips. I said a quick prayer and took a deep breath before I let him capture my own lips within his and magically felt all of my worries wash away.

From this moment on and for the rest of my life, I was Harry's wife, Mrs. Harold Lowe…Sarah Lowe. My adolescent fantasy had come true, we were held together by a bond that could never be broken, not even in death.

* * *

Uncle Serge invited Harry and me to have lunch with him and Aunt Isabel after the ceremony. It was not the most comfortable meal I had ever had, but it wasn't the worst either, but I was thankful when it was finally over and Harry and I walked arm in arm back to his stateroom, which was now our stateroom.

Once we were inside and the door was shut, I could feel my body begin to tingle with apprehension. We were alone and it was no secret of what as expected of me now that we were married. Sure enough just as I had finished the thought, Harry moved to me swiftly and began kissing with such intensity that I had to push him away in order to catch my breath.

"Harry…"

He was practically panting, "Do you know how long I've waited for this?" he asked, but didn't give me the chance to answer before he leaned in to kiss me again. I quickly moved out of the way, nearly causing him to press his lips against the wall.

"I uh…may I take a bath?" I asked.

His eyes narrowed in confusion, "A bath?"

I nodded, not quite ready for what he wanted yet, "It's just been such a long morning and…it would relax me."

He looked

"By all means…" he said backing up and gesturing towards the bathroom, but I couldn't help but see that he looked slightly put out.

Ignoring it, I smiled and thanked him before shutting myself up in the bathroom and falling back against the door; desperately seeking an answer for why I was acting this way. I should not be nervous, he was my husband and wasn't a stranger to me, and yet here I was, so nervous that I was shaking, making a simple task like removing my gloves difficult.

However, I did manage, and turned on the water for the bath. I let it fill and after checking the temperature, I undressed and stepped into the warm water, falling gracefully into a lounge position in the porcelain tub.

I laid there for a few moments, longer than I had intended to actually, relaxing and becoming caught up in the feel of the water around me and the damp air over me. It felt so good to inhale the humid air and let it set comfortably in my chest before I slowly exhaled. It was hypnotic and I felt myself slowly slip out of this world and into another.

A tap at my door brought me from my dream world and I sat up, sloshing water over the side. I grabbed the towel I had nearby and strategically placed it over my breasts. The door creaked open and then I saw Harry standing there smiling at me, seemingly amused at my attempts at modesty.

"Harry, I'm not ready for you to see me yet," I exclaimed. He leaned against the door facing me with his arms crossed. He stared at me for a moment and what I saw in his eyes made me forget that I was sitting nude in the bathtub with my hair all askew. What I saw was the love he had for me.

I sat there under the spell he had put on me, frozen in my place with the towel still covering me, watching as he moved from the doorway and slowly made his way towards me. He kneeled down next to the tub and gingerly removed the towel and dropped it on the floor next to him, still not taking his eyes off me.

I opened my mouth to speak to him, but he shushed me, shaking his head. I did as I was told and he leaned over and kissed me sweetly and softly on the cheek, and then moved down to my neck, collarbone and finally my shoulder,

"You're so beautiful." He whispered against my damp skin.

I began to turn towards him, but he stopped me and reached for the sponge that lay on the side of the tub, dipped it into the warm water and then began to slowly wash my back. I tensed up at first, feeling slightly shy because nothing like this had ever happened to me before, but then Harry surprised me by doing something that pushed all of my shyness out the window, he began to follow each of his sponge strokes with tiny fluttering kiss.

Kisses that caused my heart to beat faster and my stomach to flip and then tighten. It was such a nice feeling, one that I couldn't help but react to,

"Harry," my voice began in a hoarse whisper, "I love you."

Harry smiled and then he brought my face up to his and kissed me so intensely that I could feel the tremors of it down to my toes. We became so caught up in the kiss and the caresses that we were exchanging that we didn't even notice that Harry had practically come into the tub with me.

The feeling of his wet shirt between us broke us apart and He pulled back and looked down at it in dismay. For some odd reason it struck me as funny and before I could catch myself, I laughed. Harry looked up at me and cocked an dubious eyebrow at me,

"You think this is funny, do you?"

"Yes," I replied, attempting to smother another laugh, but it did not work and I soon broke out into laughter again, he quickly joined me.

"See what you do to me," he said as he pulled it back from his skin.

"I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about." I replied, hiding a smile.

A strange look came over his face that was a mixture of amusement and mischievousness and he peeled his shirt off before me and let it drop to the floor. I was struck at how handsome and masculine he was and found myself yearning for him to come back to me. Knowing how beautiful he was and that he was my husband and only mine, only increased my feelings to want him close enough to touch. Then he stood and removed his pants kicking them over next to his shirt and I thought I would die with pleasure as my heart beat faster and Harry climbed into the tub with me and pulled me close to him, my back pressing against his chest.

His arms slid somewhat seductively around my waist and rested on my still flat middle. He then began to kiss the shoulder that he had neglected earlier, make a trail of kisses from it, all the way up my neck and then to my ear where he whispered,

"Now this is what I call taking a bath."

I smiled and leaned back against Harry, resting my head on his shoulder enjoying the feeling of being in my husbands arms,

"Harry, tell me this isn't a dream. It is real isn't it?"

"Do you want me to pinch you?" he asked, nuzzling my neck to where it tickled. I smiled, but brought my seriousness back rather quickly,

"I'm serious, Harry," I turned to him, looking him directly in the eyes, "Tell me this is real and not just another dream. It wasn't that long ago that I was so lost and convinced that I was never going to see you again and now I'm here…with you. It just seems too good to be true and I need reassurance. I want to know this will never end…ever."

The playfulness disappeared from Harry's eyes and with all the seriousness in him he replied, "It won't, Sarah. I promise." He pressed his palm into my stomach, indicating the child inside of me that we had created, "There is nothing that could pull me away from you. We're a part of one another now."

I smiled; satisfied with the answer that he had given me, "For better or worse, right?" I asked no longer the naïve child I had been when we had first met, but a married woman who wanted nothing more than to have her husband close to her. With that in mind, I brought my hands up to his chest daring myself to show him how close I wanted him.

"Right." He answered, watching my hands roam over his upper body.

"Then prove it." I told him, boldly.

He did not seem shocked at all by my sudden assertiveness, but instead seized my wrist and pulled me towards him, "Gladly." He whispered gruffly in my ear before he began to passionately kiss me.

There in the confines of that small tub, Harry took me to a place I had never been. He made my body sing with each touch and caress he gave me and I in return gave him back what I received. It was magical, it was passionate, and I know a woman never felt more alive or loved than I did at that moment when we came together. When it was over, Harry lifted me from the tub and dried every part of my body of my body before carrying me back into the bedroom and laying me gently down on the bed.

I kept him there, hovering over me, so I could run my fingers through his damp hair and look deep into his eyes for just a few moments longer. I told him again how much I loved him and he smiled that smile that warmed my heart and pulled me into another kiss.

That night, as Harry lay next to me, sleepy soundly into his pillow, I found I was free of all of the agonizing and nagging thoughts that had been with me for so long. I was finally at peace, finally able to have a clear thought and all though there were still many, there were all of Harry.

"I love you." I whispered into the darkness and then with my hand resting on my middle and my head nestled in the crook of Harry's arms, I fell asleep dreaming of him, of us, of our child, and the life we would all have together.


End file.
